When a guy who is not over his ex

[Serena30]

Hi

 

I'm new here, so I hope you could help me a bit with my situation. I got involved in an online weird friendship/deep connection with a colleague whom I never met but I had occasion to work with a few times.

 

Our jobs are quite unusual and they imply writing about our experiences so I basically know who he is and viceversa (obviously not on a deep level until we acidentally started talking online).

 

He is a VERY reserved person, so reserved that for years none of our colleagues had a clue about whether he had a Girlfriend or not.

 

That said, we started talking around 7 months ago, casually at first until 3 moths ago when he slowly opened up a lot and without realizing it, we got very attached.

 

I know it sounds ridiculous as we didn't even met yet, but these things can happen (it happened to me twice before and when I met the guy we become an item almost immediately for years).

 

That said... I knew he was going through a very rough time in his life, especially because his ex of 4 years broke up with him because he couldn't fully commit.

 

He didn't have to tell me, but It was obvious that he wasn't over her, even if he told me he wished he was.

 

well we decided to meet and for 2 times he retreated. The first time I understood, second time I wished him goodbye for good, even if he didnt want to end things between us as he was very confused.

 

Well, so confused that rather than fly and meet me, he decided to fly to his ex's country telling me that he was there for work (yeah, right).

 

After a few brief messages, he sent me one asking me what I was up to and i replied just saying that I was busy and doing well and asking him how was he (still in his ex's country, probably went back to her or trying to figure things out)

 

It took him 1 week to reply that he was ok and finally starting to realize some good things and heading to the right path. Which I interpreted like "I'm back with my ex"

 

The connection we had was incredible to say the least and he was the one who insisted in seeing me and the second time he bailed on me he wrote me a very long explanation on why he couldn't.

 

Because he had to sort out his life first before jumping into anything new (fair enough, at least he didn't use me physically by promising me the world), and that he didn't want to confuse his life even more by meeting me.

 

So after his last message, I still haven't replied.

I can't say we were together or anything like that, but there was a lot of potential and I'm badly hurt.

 

I don't know for sure if he's back with his ex or not and at this point it doesn't even matter as he's clearly not ready emotionally for anything with me, despite the fact that we have this great connection.

 

I don't even know what to reply to his last message, where he asks me something about my job (very generic).

 

It's clear that after all these months opening up (and for him was a very big deal, I know that for sure) it's hard to let go of our special friendship and I've also invested a lot emotionally.

 

Do you think that acting like I did (distancing myself from the situation before we got really involved) could give me a little hope to have him back in my life and give a real shot to this weird thing we had going on for so many months?

 

I want to totally move on but my mind isn't functioning and my heart is broken.

Mind you, I'm not a teenager, I am 36 with long term relationships on my back, bad break ups I got over in time etc, so when I say that I'm heartbroken it means that this person was quite special to me.

 

Thanks for your honest replies!

[Toodaloo]

You are in a pickle over a guy you have never met?

 

Time to come out of cloud cuckoo land and back to the real world.

 

Time to let this one go an recognise it for what it is.

 

Support the guy, chat to the guy, but this is and will only ever be an on line friendship.

[DarkHorizon]

I want to totally move on but my mind isn't functioning and my heart is broken.

 

Since you've been through breakups before, you know how this works.

Right now, your mind is listening to your heart, but your heart is broken. So the whole point is to do some extra work here and keep reminding yourself that your heart really doesn't have anything substantial to contribute positively at this point - only pain - and the mind is obsessed with suffering. If you are serious about moving on, the goal is to keep your ego under control, and not get attached or react to any of its compulsive, obsessive thoughts. Block, delete all emails, do whatever necessary to actually MOVE ON from him and this situation, otherwise it will always be part of your present.

[Serena30]

You are in a pickle over a guy you have never met?

 

Time to come out of cloud cuckoo land and back to the real world.

 

Time to let this one go an recognise it for what it is.

 

Support the guy, chat to the guy, but this is and will only ever be an on line friendship.

 

Toodaloo thanks for your reply, I understand that from the outside it might seems that I'm on a cloud and i don't know how things in the world work but it's much more than that. Let's just say this: because of our lifestyles if it wasn't for this ex girlfriend, we could have really clicked IN REAL LIFE (we both wanted to make it happen and see how things would have worked out between us).

 

As I said, I had a few similar experiences on my back, one online "friendship" that ended up being my (now ex) boyfriend and... fiancee (I broke up with him after 4 years of living together) so I wouldn't dismiss this as "seeing it for what it is"

 

Yes granted, now it could onl be an online friendship because we didn't meet but we would have if it weren't for the girlfriend.

As a matter of facts we will be in the same city in 2 days but I decided to cut all the contacts for now as I can see that he's not emotionally available and what's the point of meeting him knowing it.

 

He first need to resolve his own issues of course. My question is, since I'm not able to let him go... whether let my silence speak and whilst obviously going on with my life if we will have a chance in the future given that we didn't have a proper relationship but hell, the connection we had was real. I know that much.

 

People can believe it or not but I'm 100% sure about it. Both me and him were surprised about this, we didn't expect it and it's quite hard to just leave it at "what if"...

 

I know it's very hard for people to see what was between us, i get it. But also because we are colleagues, it's VERY hard to keep going like this, and even if I cut all the contacts we will be able to easily know everything about what the other is doing and it makes it super hard.

 

Thanks again for your reply!

[Serena30]

Since you've been through breakups before, you know how this works.

Right now, your mind is listening to your heart, but your heart is broken. So the whole point is to do some extra work here and keep reminding yourself that your heart really doesn't have anything substantial to contribute positively at this point - only pain - and the mind is obsessed with suffering. If you are serious about moving on, the goal is to keep your ego under control, and not get attached or react to any of its compulsive, obsessive thoughts. Block, delete all emails, do whatever necessary to actually MOVE ON from him and this situation, otherwise it will always be part of your present.

 

True that... I am aware that to move on I have to do this, the point is... I still don't want to move on as there is a slight possibility of him finally clearing his mind about his ex and finally decide to meet up and start FROM SCRATCH to see how it goes and if this amazing connection we had online can translate into a real life mature relationship.

 

We are not both teenagers so we are well aware that the online world is different from the real world and we wanted to act on it.

 

But he panicked when it came to actually meet me as (his words) that would mean that he had to definitely close an important chapter of his life and he wasnt ready for that yet.

 

Such a bad timing.

 

Ps: sorry for my English, it is not my first language.

Edited February 1, 2016 by Serena30

[Toodaloo]

Toodaloo thanks for your reply, I understand that from the outside it might seems that I'm on a cloud and i don't know how things in the world work but it's much more than that. Let's just say this: because of our lifestyles if it wasn't for this ex girlfriend, we could have really clicked IN REAL LIFE !

 

Erm no.

 

Been there, done that, met the guy and oh my Lordy no no no no NO!

 

Thankfully we were close enough to say that to each other and not be insulted.

 

I am going to be blunt.

 

Your head IS in the clouds. you have been dreaming and imagining scenarios in your head to make up for the lack of reality. Fact this guy belches, farts, picks his nose... you get to ignore all that because its not there in front of you.

 

Ah yes then we go onto the next little detail that should have made you hold back. The girlfriend/ ex girlfriend/ might still be or might not still be or might be again in the future girlfriend....

 

Oh hang on he is also a work colleague so you could screw up your job prospects by messing about like this too!

 

Lets not even go there. Because you already know where I am going with all this don't you... you just do not want to go there and you want to convince yourself it was more than a pen pal. It wasn't. It really is that simple and blunt.

 

Just stop and please for goodness sake give yourself a reality check. You don't even know if this guys breath stinks or if he has BO!

 

The sooner you accept this for what it REALLY was the easier you will find it to get over.

 

Quit flowering it up and get your feet back on the floor fast or you are in for a whole heap of wasted heart ache over nothing.

[Serena30]

Erm no.

 

Been there, done that, met the guy and oh my Lordy no no no no NO!

 

Thankfully we were close enough to say that to each other and not be insulted.

 

I am going to be blunt.

 

Your head IS in the clouds. you have been dreaming and imagining scenarios in your head to make up for the lack of reality. Fact this guy belches, farts, picks his nose... you get to ignore all that because its not there in front of you.

 

Ah yes then we go onto the next little detail that should have made you hold back. The girlfriend/ ex girlfriend/ might still be or might not still be or might be again in the future girlfriend....

 

Oh hang on he is also a work colleague so you could screw up your job prospects by messing about like this too!

 

Lets not even go there. Because you already know where I am going with all this don't you... you just do not want to go there and you want to convince yourself it was more than a pen pal. It wasn't. It really is that simple and blunt.

 

Just stop and please for goodness sake give yourself a reality check. You don't even know if this guys breath stinks or if he has BO!

 

The sooner you accept this for what it REALLY was the easier you will find it to get over.

 

Quit flowering it up and get your feet back on the floor fast or you are in for a whole heap of wasted heart ache over nothing.

 

I can only say one thing: If it was really that simple... actually us being colleagues is the main issue here but not in the way you might think. We have a job that put us in the spotlight every single day.

 

But I get your point, I dont agree with it mostly because I've been there before (I got engaged and lived together with a guy I met online and talked to for months just as I did with this guy), so I know well the difference between online world and reality.

 

I don't take your comment as an insult or anything, I just understand that not knowing the whole situation and what kind of jobs we have, it's very difficult for external people to understand my situation.

 

Unfortunately, I can't add much more to this. All I know is that I'm not in the clouds and the few people who know about this situation (2 colleagues) that know both me and him, fully understand how tricky, and real, this whole thing is.

 

The fairy tale time it's been over for quite sometime for me, i'm not imagining things. And I know this guy is NOT perfect, he's a human being just like anyone else. But the connection we had was real. That's why we wanted to see how it would have worked out in real life. Exactly for the reason you stated actually.

[Serena30]

Erm no.

 

Been there, done that, met the guy and oh my Lordy no no no no NO!

 

Thankfully we were close enough to say that to each other and not be insulted.

 

 

Ps, I don't know your story of course, but I gather that It didn't go well for whatever reason, whilst mine ended up with an engagement ring, so as I said... I know the difference between idealizing someone and having the real deal offline.

 

I wouldn't generalize too much... that's all.

[Toodaloo]

Ps, I don't know your story of course, but I gather that It didn't go well for whatever reason, whilst mine ended up with an engagement ring, so as I said... I know the difference between idealizing someone and having the real deal offline.

 

I wouldn't generalize too much... that's all.

 

OK so take out the whole On line.

 

You still work with him with would jeopardise your career and he has a girlfriend. Two massive RED FLAGS - The red flags mean stop retreat and go back by the way not oh well lets skip merrily on in there and worry about it later.

 

I know you think I am being mean and I know this is hard for you to hear but LET THIS ONE GO.

 

Quit flowering it up, pull up your big girl pants and get on with it.

 

HE WENT TO SEE HIS EX RATHER THAN SEE YOU...

 

Come on girl have a shred of dignity and self respect. Cut out the romantic crap, get on with your job and meet someone you can actually touch for a change. You will find it liberating.

[DarkHorizon]

I still don't want to move on as there is a slight possibility of him finally clearing his mind

 

Ok, then it is a different story, and of course it is your decision. You just need to be aware and okay with the fact that, during this "waiting" period, you will be in increasing emotional pain. Once you REALLY want to move on for good, NC is the way to go.

[Serena30]

OK so take out the whole On line.

 

You still work with him with would jeopardise your career and he has a girlfriend. Two massive RED FLAGS - The red flags mean stop retreat and go back by the way not oh well lets skip merrily on in there and worry about it later.

 

I know you think I am being mean and I know this is hard for you to hear but LET THIS ONE GO.

 

Quit flowering it up, pull up your big girl pants and get on with it.

 

HE WENT TO SEE HIS EX RATHER THAN SEE YOU...

 

Come on girl have a shred of dignity and self respect. Cut out the romantic crap, get on with your job and meet someone you can actually touch for a change. You will find it liberating.

 

You will find it difficult to believe, but I don't find your replies mean at all. As a matter of fact, if I had to give some advice to someone else I'd say something along the lines of your messages.

 

I know I have to let go, of course I know. As for the dignity department i think I'm good at least in the eyes of the world as i actively wished him good luck with his life and didn't reply to his messages.

 

Of course inside I'm hurt ut mainly because of the potential this thing could have had. Heck I know he had an ex and i know he might be (and he probably is) with her right this moment.

 

But I also know that for some reasons (that I can't mention in here), it's probably going to end up badly with her. She's an ex for a reason after all.

 

When you say

HE WENT TO SEE HIS EX RATHER THAN SEE YOU...

You are totally right. That's the main reason I cut all the contacts. they have 4 years together against an online connection. There is no way in this world I could "win" over her of course. I'm not that idiot.

 

That's why I want to give him the time to do whatever he has to do to clear his mind and if it's meant to be, it will.

 

In the meantime I'm not stopping my life waiting for him. Definitely not. But I am still not able to let him go completely until I see him in real life (and because of our jobs it s going to happen sooner or later even if we don't want to).

 

The job itself wont be IN ANY WAY jeopardized because of that. As when I say that we are "colleagues" it doesn't mean we work for the same company, we are simply in the same fields doing very similar stuff so to speak, and because of this kind of job I know a lot about him and viceversa.

 

Anyway, only time can tell what's going to happen I guess. I was just wondering if my no contact could be good if ever in the future he will be emotionally available, as I know that rebound relationships are definitely almost always doomed (and our wasnt a relationship so to speak), so perhaps given enough time we can first start communicating again as friends and take it from there.

 

Seeing each other is not a big deal, because we travel a lot and we can work from wherever we want in the globe.

 

Let's see what happens. But you are right about going on with my life. My heart is hurting like hell right now but I have no other choice at the moment.

 

Thanks for your honest point of view. I appreciate it.

[Serena30]

Ok, then it is a different story, and of course it is your decision. You just need to be aware and okay with the fact that, during this "waiting" period, you will be in increasing emotional pain. Once you REALLY want to move on for good, NC is the way to go.

 

Unfortunately I know, but when you have that reasonable doubt or hope should I say... it's difficult to let go.

 

I was actually in his same situation once. I decided to go back to my ex to only find out that it wasn't the right decision and I went back to the guy I was really into after a few months of confusion.

 

On a side note, the NC helped me a lot in letting go of a very painful breakup (hell a lot worst than this one!...even if it's not a proper "breakup, I know"), but i really got over him by giving it a second chance and realizing that we were growing apart and now we are actually good friends (it's been 2 years since the break up so I know it takes time to heal), but this is another story...only to say that I'm full aware of the pain I'm putting myself through if I decide to not let go completely.

 

My gut tells me that there was something real in what we had and I'm willing to take the pain and see how it goes.

 

I guess pretending to be his friend whilst he make up his mind is not a brilliant idea and honestly I dont want to be the shoulder he is going to cry on over his insecurities. Enough of that. He has to deal with it by himself.

[Paradigm]

I guess pretending to be his friend whilst he make up his mind is not a brilliant idea and honestly I dont want to be the shoulder he is going to cry on over his insecurities. Enough of that. He has to deal with it by himself.

 

Yes. That is exactly why he talked to you. He needed someone and so did you, of course you would feel the connection. People don't always tell the truth, especially when seeking comfort.

 

I think him going to his ex is proof that you weren't more than a friend. I'd bet anything that if he started talking to you like before, it would be because it didn't turn out well with his ex.

[NoLeafClover]

You are in a pickle over a guy you have never met?

 

Time to come out of cloud cuckoo land and back to the real world.

 

Time to let this one go an recognise it for what it is.

 

Support the guy, chat to the guy, but this is and will only ever be an on line friendship.

..but but...that connection though lol

[mightycpa]

Fact this guy belches, farts, picks his nose...

You say that like it's a bad thing.

[Paradigm]

..but but...that connection though lol

It's not nice to mock OP like that.

 

The "connection" though is not as rare as we think. If it was the only good thing, I don't think its worth hanging onto.

[Toodaloo]

You say that like it's a bad thing.

 

Well they say love comes from within!

 

How you doing today Serena?

 

I know its hard but right now you have got to be tough on yourself so you can get over this.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I don't doubt that your feelings and intentions are genuine, but I don't trust his intentions.

 

He may have felt a connection with you, but if he felt the same depth of feelings as you, he would have come to meet you the first time.

 

Unless he was still involved with her, there was nothing to stop him at least giving it a chance. The fact he said that he would come then changed his mind, not once but twice, makes him untrustworthy and unreliable.

 

You said that he has always been reserved (secretive?) and that he kept his relationship status very quiet at work, which leaves the possibility that he has been in a long distance relationship this whole time. Even his explanations about heading down the right path is vague and ambiguous.

 

You are smart, so you know exactly why he is in her country right now, yet he still plays dumb. This shows the characteristics of weak and untrustworthy man.

 

He may not have used you physically, but he certainly used you emotionally. In some ways that can be more damaging.

 

The reason why I am saying all this is because I think you made a good decision not to reply to him, and I hope that in time you can move on and find someone more deserving of your affection.

[NoLeafClover]

[quote=Paradigmconnectio not nice to mock OP like that.

 

The "connection" thoughot as rare as we think. If it was the only good thing, I don't think its worth hanging onto.

 

The mocking is the situation itself I am not mocking anyone..the fact of the matter is that a grown person is fascinated with someone they never met before and they talk about this person as if they were IT.

 

That's what kids go through when they have crushes because they don't have a concept between love and being fascinated about someone where your mind plays all kinds of sweat dreams on you about a certain someone...someone that have never even met in person.

 

What do you expect people to say...this isn't a connection..they never met in person gee