Girlfriend of almost 4 years asked me to wait. I really need good

February 2, 2016

She's lying.

She wants permission to meet other people but she doesn't want you to do the same. She wants you there in case the grass really isn't greener.

She's young, this is probably unavoidable.

Veve is right.

This one is lying to herself and to you.

She wants to go party. She doesn't want to settle down. This is the end.

This girl also likes you quite a lot and it will hurt her to see you hurt so she is trying to make it easy on herself. When she shags those other blokes it will be ok because you guys are on a "break" and when she gets into a relationship with one of those other guys that will be ok because you are on a "break"...

OP she is gone already. I am sorry but please leave your hope at the door and let us help you get through the break up in one piece. You are only going to do more damage to your head and heart if you do not accept this. Then when we send you back out you can pick your hope up again for a new more rewarding and lasting relationship.

The writing is on the wall, it a neon flashing one and there is a plane flying past with a banner its that obvious.

Personally I think you need to take control of all of this and just say enough is enough and its over. At least then you can keep a shred of dignity and self respect. Good luck.

February 2, 2016

OK, if the OP told us that this woman was raised by two saints, who are wonderful people, and still married as they were from day one, and who raised multiple kids who were encouraged, supported, but not prodded and over-parented... then I would think what is described is a sign of major trouble and reason for him to give up on the relationship.

But if there is some such thing missing from her life (like, oh, say, a paternal role model in the home while she was growing up)... then I would sense this young woman to just be playing instincts, and wondering out loud... and potentially... realistically... seeming a reasonable bet to return to the relationship with the OP.

The OP, as described, has a whole lot of "life" documented behind him... and were he merely age 40... with no kids, and no marriages behind him... then it would be one thing, but the young woman is walking into much more than the simple dynamic that is a one-to-one relationship.

I'd like to learn a bit about how she was raised to go along with this story...

Do you think that plays a role? She grew up and never knew her real father till she was 17. Then she decided really quick that wasn't going to work for her and does not speak to him. Her older siblings have another father who was not good to their mom while they were together. She has a step dad that her mom has been with since she was 5. I think he tried his best to always treat her well but I'm not sure if it was the same. Her mom is her favorite person in the world and they are very close.

February 2, 2016

Do you think that plays a role? She grew up and never knew her real father till she was 17. Then she decided really quick that wasn't going to work for her and does not speak to him. Her older siblings have another father who was not good to their mom while they were together. She has a step dad that her mom has been with since she was 5. I think he tried his best to always treat her well but I'm not sure if it was the same. Her mom is her favorite person in the world and they are very close.

Honestly, I think her request for a break has more to do with her age than anything else.

I broke up with a long-term boyfriend too when I was around her age. I also wanted to date more, meet other men, see what else was out there. You two are in completely different life stages and she's realizing she's not ready for the commitment that truly comes in settling down with a much older man who's got three children. That's a lot for any one to take on, especially someone in their early 20s. You'll probably find a better long-term match in someone closer to your age and with some life experience under her belt. Your girlfriend has barely dipped her toes in the sea of adulthood yet. She wants the freedom to do that now.

Edited February 2, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

February 2, 2016

Do you think that plays a role? She grew up and never knew her real father till she was 17. Then she decided really quick that wasn't going to work for her and does not speak to him. Her older siblings have another father who was not good to their mom while they were together. She has a step dad that her mom has been with since she was 5. I think he tried his best to always treat her well but I'm not sure if it was the same. Her mom is her favorite person in the world and they are very close.

You can analyse this as much as you like but it boils down to simple incomparability.

It has sod all to do with her past - it has everything to do with what she wants in her future and I am sorry to say that you are not part of that picture.

She is trying to be kind but what its actually doing is blurring the lines.

You need to make those lines clear. If not for her then at least for yourself.

February 2, 2016

Honestly, I think her request for a break has more to do with her age than anything else.

I broke up with a long-term boyfriend too when I was around her age. I also wanted to date more, meet other men, see what else was out there. You two are in completely different life stages and she's realizing she's not ready for the commitment that truly comes in settling down with a much older man who's got three children. That's a lot for any one to take on, especially someone in their early 20s. You'll probably find a better long-term match in someone closer to your age and with some life experience under her belt. Your girlfriend has barely dipped her toes in the sea of adulthood yet. She wants the freedom to do that now.

I realize that we are in different stages. I feel like it was just very sudden and for a while we had been speaking about buying a new home together and traveling to different places. We had a conversation not 2 weeks ago about it all and when I asked her if 2 weeks again was she sure about where she wanted to go in life with me she replied that she had no doubts. But that she knows today that she needs to feel like she doesn't miss out on things. Which I feel is natural however my confusion lies in how quickly it happened. She told me to wait for her and that she will figure this out and then figure us out. She told me she was going to wait for me as well. I'm not sure why she would say those things unless she felt like that is what she wanted to do. It's not as if I brought it up. Mind as well just not say anything if she didn't feel that way.

February 2, 2016

When put on the spot people will often say things. Perhaps she does want the travel and the house etc.

But now it has sat and marinade for a while she has realised she doesn't want them with you.

Sorry its brutal but its the way it is.

February 2, 2016

I realize that we are in different stages. I feel like it was just very sudden and for a while we had been speaking about buying a new home together and traveling to different places. We had a conversation not 2 weeks ago about it all and when I asked her if 2 weeks again was she sure about where she wanted to go in life with me she replied that she had no doubts. But that she knows today that she needs to feel like she doesn't miss out on things. Which I feel is natural however my confusion lies in how quickly it happened. She told me to wait for her and that she will figure this out and then figure us out. She told me she was going to wait for me as well. I'm not sure why she would say those things unless she felt like that is what she wanted to do. It's not as if I brought it up. Mind as well just not say anything if she didn't feel that way.

If this all seemed sudden, I wonder if another guy has caught her eye. I know you don't want to hear that, and it may not be the case. But the same happened to me when I broke up with my ex at 23 (we'd been together 5 years) A new guy showed interest and I realized my desire to check that out overwhelmed my desire to stay with my ex. I did not tell my ex that this was a factor in the break-up, though I'd already fallen out of love by that point.

Again, might not be what's going on here, but I don't think it can be totally ruled out either.

February 2, 2016

If this all seemed sudden, I wonder if another guy has caught her eye. I know you don't want to hear that, and it may not be the case. But the same happened to me when I broke up with my ex at 23 (we'd been together 5 years) A new guy showed interest and I realized my desire to check that out overwhelmed my desire to stay with my ex. I did not tell my ex that this was a factor in the break-up, though I'd already fallen out of love by that point.

Again, might not be what's going on here, but I don't think it can be totally ruled out either.

I'm not ruling it out per se but she has said several times that she still is in love with me so I don't really get it all

February 2, 2016

"She said that she knows she is risking a lot and that she will never find anyone like me again. We talked yesterday and in the discussion we set out some boundaries for this if it will work. We still want to talk everyday. Say good morning and goodnight as well. We don't want a schedule to see each other but we will when we can. We can tell each other we love each other but no more than once a week"

I think she has someone already that she wants to see without feeling guilty. Otherwise why is she thinking that she is risking to lose you? why she does not want to hear " I love you" whenever you want to say it? the answer is because there is someone else who is saying the same thing to her.

This is a very tough situation. It is hard to see the truth when someone continues to confess love to you. But what she told you says it all. If she only wants time to do things as a young girl, she could tell you that she will be late, because she will be out with friends, movies, games, clubs, but without asking you to decrease "I love you" messages. I think She is going to date, she will have sex , again, I think she has someone already, she is going to give it a try while you are waiting. If it works she will tell you " listen that time apart helped me to realize we are not meant to be together" If the relationship with the OM does not work or if she miss you, she will come back to you.

You can wait if you want but be prepared to know the response.

February 2, 2016

OP, here is the thing (and I've written about this before).

Read this story about how the frontal cortex of the brain is not fully attached until - say - the 28th or so year.

In short, she doesn't have the proper tools to make ADULT, MATURE decisions. But she is entering that process where she is questioning who she is, what she wants, and where she is going to end up in life.

This whole process often explains why people who marry in their early 20s get divorced in their early 30s. In the 1950s, it explains the Seven Year Itch. Seriously - think back to your early twenties and where you are now. You are a different person, aren't you?

Your girlfriend is starting to go through that and I doubt - when she comes out of it on the other side - that she will want to be in the relationship with you. She may want to start her own family. She may want to hike the world. We just don't know. She doesn't know and you don't know and the best you can do is give her the space to figure it out.

That doesn't mean coddling her - or (seriously!) - letting her live with you while she grows. She should be on her own during this time.

February 2, 2016

First of all, I don't blame her for wanting what she wants. For a 23 year old to walk into a family and be attached to a guy old enough to be her father? That's not for everybody. She may even want hew own kids one day, and OP will be ossifying rapidly into a fossil. OP's willie may go soft in a decade or two, much earlier than she's going to be ready for that. It's a lot to ask of any woman, and many would not hang in there for the long haul. But she probably has no idea.

That said, she wants to get "it" out of her system? What is "it" exactly? What does it mean to be young?

On the one hand, an argument can be made that this is the age where people begin to find out who they really are. Usually, that's done alone, and it is precipitated by something negative - a breakup, a death, a divorce. Something goes wrong, and as part of the healing process, people look within. She could be doing that without the need for a tragic catalyst, but that is really rare. What's more, getting it out of your system isn't how you say the above.

As others have asked, what can't she do while she continues to see you?

Date and bang other guys, obviously. Be open to do whatever adventure life throws her way. Do certain kinds of travel. Move. Hang out with people her own age. Everything I can think of involves not having to explain why to a disapproving boyfriend.

I also agree with an earlier poster. Eventually, you're going to hear some version of :

Didn't you see the signs?
It was bound to happen.
I don't know how it happened. It just did.
I didn't mean to ____________. I just kind of happened while I wasn't paying attention.

I'm sure that every fiber of your 40 year old body wants to believe her 24 year old story. You do so at your own peril. Common sense says she wants to put something in to her system, rather than get something out of it. If anything, I think that "it" represents you.

February 2, 2016

...however my confusion lies in how quickly it happened. She told me to wait for her and that she will figure this out and then figure us out. She told me she was going to wait for me as well. I'm not sure why she would say those things unless she felt like that is what she wanted to do.

Because the unsettled feeling has probably been simmering awhile, and she's just now bringing it into her conscious thoughts. It manifests as discordant feelings and uncertainty, which causes her distress. She's trying to reconcile it by splitting the difference... but the divergent paths are mutually exclusive. Asking you to wait is a naive, immature grasp at following what calls her without giving up the safe and familiar.

Trying to dissuade her is a short-sighted strategy. She's got one foot out the door already. If she were to stay with you (not do the wilding thing) that yearning is likely to increase as she gets older, and she may continue to try and split the difference... which means a half-committed marriage and temptations to sew wild oats without upsetting the status quo.

I know you love her and don't want to lose the hope and dreams you've begun, but I think the best thing would be to let her go as an act of generosity... without any expectation that she will return or that you would be on hold, waiting. If she returns in a week or two of her own accord, then you can ask if she's absolutely certain with full realization of what she cannot also have at the same time.

Your thinking that this isn't about other men or sex is erroneous. Even if that's not her intention, that's what happens because that's what life is about. I'd like to say I hope it resolves in your favor, but I don't think you should plan a future with a woman who has one foot out the door already. You know what that means, and you may have to be the one who gets real and cuts the strings.

February 2, 2016

She states this break is about her being 23 and getting it out of her system. To do things while she is young to not have that regret later. She says it is not about dating other people. She feels like she just has a lot going on and has things she feels like she misses out on. And if we have a chance to succeed she needs to feel like she did that. If you have any questions I will answer them.

Missing out on what exactly? Have you asked her? I agree with the OP who said she can still party and go out with her friends while still in a relationship with you. Unless she plans to date other men what is it she can't do while still in a relationship with you?

February 2, 2016

Personally I think you need to take control of all of this and just say enough is enough and its over. At least then you can keep a shred of dignity and self respect. Good luck.

^^^^THIS^^^^ If you want to knock her back and maintain your dignity tell her you don't want a break but a break up if she wants to stop seeing you. Tell her you both can see other people. Let her know you won't be sitting around twiddling your thumbs while she she's screwing other guys.

February 2, 2016

Missing out on what exactly? Have you asked her? I agree with the OP who said she can still party and go out with her friends while still in a relationship with you. Unless she plans to date other men what is it she can't do while still in a relationship with you?

This is pretty much what she said. I always feel like I'm supposed to be everywhere at the same time. I want to see you but I also want to be able to go out and do things with my friends or maybe just do nothing without feeling like I'm disappointing somebody. I feel like I need time to be me for a bit. This is t about seeing anyone else else. That's the furthest thing I'm thinking of. I know if I saw you with someone else it would break my heart. But I know if I don't do this, I will just feel this way again. And it will be worse and we will have a worse chance of succeeding. If I can just be me for a "minute" (the word she uses a lot) then I know I'll be ok. When I ask her define minute cause obviously this isn't a real thing, she says its not years. Maybe not even a year most likely. But she doesn't know really what a minute means. She said she wants to figure herself out and then come back to figuring out relationship out.

February 2, 2016

This is pretty much what she said. I always feel like I'm supposed to be everywhere at the same time. I want to see you but I also want to be able to go out and do things with my friends or maybe just do nothing without feeling like I'm disappointing somebody. I feel like I need time to be me for a bit. This is t about seeing anyone else else. That's the furthest thing I'm thinking of. I know if I saw you with someone else it would break my heart. But I know if I don't do this, I will just feel this way again. And it will be worse and we will have a worse chance of succeeding. If I can just be me for a "minute" (the word she uses a lot) then I know I'll be ok. When I ask her define minute cause obviously this isn't a real thing, she says its not years. Maybe not even a year most likely. But she doesn't know really what a minute means. She said she wants to figure herself out and then come back to figuring out relationship out.

Do you smother her or something? Try to restrict her from going out with her friends? Always need her attention, and pull guilt trips when she doesn't spend time with you?

If the answer is no, then there's more to this than she's telling you. She might not even know what that is, but she knows she doesn't want to be held accountable for her actions right now in terms of respecting a boyfriend. She wants to be single. Sure, she might be saying she's in love, but her actions don't back that up. I take it you're in love with her..would you dream of letting her go so you can "figure yourself out"? I doubt it. She is either trying to soften the blow or she has no idea what it means to be in love.

Her asking you to wait for her is incredibly unfair and demonstrates her lack of maturity and experience when it comes to relationships. Tell her no. Tell her that if she chooses to walk away, you will consider yourself single and will act accordingly which includes dating other women if the opportunity arises and moving on with your life. Don't allow her to treat you like the Back-up Plan, which is exactly what she's doing.

February 2, 2016

This is pretty much what she said. I always feel like I'm supposed to be everywhere at the same time. I want to see you but I also want to be able to go out and do things with my friends or maybe just do nothing without feeling like I'm disappointing somebody. I feel like I need time to be me for a bit. This is t about seeing anyone else else. That's the furthest thing I'm thinking of. I know if I saw you with someone else it would break my heart. But I know if I don't do this, I will just feel this way again. And it will be worse and we will have a worse chance of succeeding. If I can just be me for a "minute" (the word she uses a lot) then I know I'll be ok. When I ask her define minute cause obviously this isn't a real thing, she says its not years. Maybe not even a year most likely. But she doesn't know really what a minute means. She said she wants to figure herself out and then come back to figuring out relationship out.

I'm sure she means every word she says. But not really. It's like people say: "I don't mean to ever break my diet". Yes they mean it, but sometimes "oops", a creamy cake slips into they're mouth.

I don't know any of you so how do i know it? Very simple. Is she afraid to lose you? She could have offered a better deal for both of you. She could have told you she needs time of her own, IN THE RELATIONSHIP. That way, she could have had both worlds - Her time to herself + not risking anything.

Let's believe that she has no any guy on the hook. What happens if a guy approaches her? Will she say "I'm taken"? If he buys her a drink, will she refuse? If he ask her to dance with him will she say "I have a boyfriend"? If he ask her for lunch, will she not go?

She doesn't need just time to herself. She wants to stay away from you in a significant matter so she can TEST her feelings for you. Well, the test includes... you know what.

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Girlfriend of almost 4 years asked me to wait. I really need good

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