Girlfriend of almost 4 years asked me to wait. I really need good

[Ktbp12]

Hello, here is my dilemma. I have been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years. There is a 16 year age gap between us and I am divorced with 3 children which I know helps contribute to some of the issue we are facing. Here is the situation and I'll try to be as detailed as possible. She is 24 and a college graduate with a full time job and then she coaches 3 sports. I also work full time with more varied hours so we both have really long days. We have had a great relationship so far and we are each other's best friends as well. We are very affectionate and other than a few bumps in the road we have been great. Lately being young she has expressed that she feels like she's missing out on being young and needs a "minute" in her words to do that. That she loves me more than anything and I am her best friend. But she feels like if she doesn't that she will regret it and resent me down the road. She said she still wants to talk to me everyday. She will still see me but obviously it won't be as often. We live together now for the most part. She has told me that she knows you doesn't want to lose me in her life and that she knows that she may lose me. She said that she knows she is risking a lot and that she will never find anyone like me again. We talked yesterday and in the discussion we set out some boundaries for this if it will work. We still want to talk everyday. Say good morning and goodnight as well. We don't want a schedule to see each other but we will when we can. We can tell each other we love each other but no more than once a week so it doesn't get strange. She then in the middle of being emotional told me that she needs to do this. That she knows herself and that if she doesn't we will never be able to move forward. To let her be herself for a minute and to wait for her. That once she figured herself out she hopes to come back and figure us out. This is really what I need the advice about and I guess the rest of it as well. Please only serious responses and if there's anyone with experience in this, please let me know.

[central]

You aren't being clear about what she wants. I'm interpreting that she wants a break to play the field, date, have sex with other men, and party before settling down. If that's something she feels she needs to do, and she needs to do it even at the risk of losing you, then she probably should. Otherwise, she may resent making a commitment, or may cheat later if she doesn't get these experiences behind her.

 

 

Of course, you're not in the same place and space she is. You've probably had your opportunity to explore and party. I suggest you look for other women to date while she does her thing. Eventually, you'll either decide that you're both right for each other and get back together (assuming you can do so without having retroactive jealousy or demeaning her for her explorations), or you will find that you are not right for each other and go your separate ways. Do not see the latter as a negative: see it as learning that there are better options if that's what comes from this.

[Ktbp12]

She stated she has no intention of seeing anyone else. She is not a partier really. We drink maybe 3 times s year and that is like a beer and a half. So I do not think its that after knowing her for as long as I have. She's not your typical 24 year old in that regard. Never was a partier and in a lot of ways more mature than her age. It just seems she is not mature in her emotional self. She is very responsible and always worried about disappointing people and doing the right thing.

[DarkHorizon]

It just seems she is not mature in her emotional self.

 

My ex and I are twenty years apart (47-27). I agree with you on the emotional immaturity. It is obviously not their fault - they can be incredibly smart and accomplished, but it has nothing to do with "intellectual maturity". You simply had more experiences and learned from them, while she didn't have the chance to go through so much.

[Apparition]

I'm sorry but despite not knowing your relationship or her personally I have without a doubt that she will definitely be seeing other guys. I fail to see why she wants you to wait if she's "missing out" - missing out on what exactly? If she means partying, drinking, going out with friends her age, she can still do so while being with you. I don't get it.

[DarkHorizon]

When the age gap is so big, relationships might start in what seems to be a parallel, balanced connection, but slowly the gap starts widening and, after a couple of years, the paths have gone in different directions - The disconnect just becomes pretty clear - usually for the younger partner, at first.

[central]

OP, you're still being obtuse. What is this break about then? What is her goal? Does she just want to live alone and experience independence before commitment, if she doesn't want to date others? Please be clear about what's going on, and what advice - if any - you are seeking.

[Ktbp12]

She states this break is about her being 23 and getting it out of her system. To do things while she is young to not have that regret later. She says it is not about dating other people. She feels like she just has a lot going on and has things she feels like she misses out on. And if we have a chance to succeed she needs to feel like she did that. If you have any questions I will answer them.

[marky00]

She states this break is about her being 23 and getting it out of her system. To do things while she is young to not have that regret later. She says it is not about dating other people. She feels like she just has a lot going on and has things she feels like she misses out on. And if we have a chance to succeed she needs to feel like she did that. If you have any questions I will answer them.

 

It doesn't make sense to be honest. She could easily just start doing those things and just become more unavailable in your relationship without breaking up.

 

If she needs to get things out of her system, then sadly that means she needs to have sexual relations with other guys.

 

Trust me, her words mean nothing at all.... only her actions.

[DarkHorizon]

Trust me, her words mean nothing at all.... only her actions.

 

Most of the times, not even her actions will mean much either.

Only your perceptions of her actions, and your intuitions and feelings towards them.

[Toodaloo]

OP I am going to say what everyone else isn't.

 

She is dumping you.

 

She will slowly cut back contact to make it easier for you to take when it happens...

 

You have done nothing wrong, she has just decided that you are not for her and she wants someone else.

 

There really is no more to it than that.

 

Sorry to be blunt dude but its coming.

[salparadise]

She states this break is about her being 23 and getting it out of her system. To do things while she is young to not have that regret later. She says it is not about dating other people. She feels like she just has a lot going on and has things she feels like she misses out on. And if we have a chance to succeed she needs to feel like she did that. If you have any questions I will answer them.

 

I think you need to ask her straight up if she feels like she needs a variety of sexual experiences/partners before settling down, and if this is why she wants the break. Like others have suggested, I think she's obfuscating the actual motivation. It may not be manifesting as horniness for others... it could feel more like GIGS and she just wants to give alternate paths a chance to choose her. Or in business speak, she's worried about opportunity cost, and has deluded herself into thinking that she can have her cake and eat it too (excuse the cliché).

 

Regardless of what she says about how this is supposed to transpire, it's a no-win for you. She wants to be single again without giving up this relationship, so she's asking you to go on hold while she does whatever it is she has in mind. It's not going to be the same relationship if/when she returns. Even talking about it erodes the sense of commitment and dedication.

 

In my opinion your answer needs to be, "I'll let you go if that's what you choose, but I don't think you'll be back so I don't intend to wait. It's not rational and it's not fair to me."

[Ktbp12]

OP I am going to say what everyone else isn't.

 

She is dumping you.

 

She will slowly cut back contact to make it easier for you to take when it happens...

 

You have done nothing wrong, she has just decided that you are not for her and she wants someone else.

 

There really is no more to it than that.

 

Sorry to be blunt dude but its coming.

 

I mean I came out and asked her that. She is very honest and wouldn't be able to lie to me without me sensing that there was more to what she was saying. She has nothing to gain I don't feel by telling me that I'm important to her and that she will still talk to me everyday. she would just say I don't want that. That's the type of person she is. Maybe you are correct and I can't see the forest through the trees. 2 weeks ago we were talking about buying a new house in the future and we have not felt disconnected until a day or two before we had a talk about what was wrong.

Maybe that's what it is. I don't really know. Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst

[Ktbp12]

I think you need to ask her straight up if she feels like she needs a variety of sexual experiences/partners before settling down, and if this is why she wants the break. Like others have suggested, I think she's obfuscating the actual motivation. It may not be manifesting as horniness for others... it could feel more like GIGS and she just wants to give alternate paths a chance to choose her. Or in business speak, she's worried about opportunity cost, and has deluded herself into thinking that she can have her cake and eat it too (excuse the cliché).

 

Regardless of what she says about how this is supposed to transpire, it's a no-win for you. She wants to be single again without giving up this relationship, so she's asking you to go on hold while she does whatever it is she has in mind. It's not going to be the same relationship if/when she returns. Even talking about it erodes the sense of commitment and dedication.

 

In my opinion your answer needs to be, "I'll let you go if that's what you choose, but I don't think you'll be back so I don't intend to wait. It's not rational and it's not fair to me."

 

 

I did speak to her about that and asked directly she said she has no intentions of even thought about any of that. That she does not want me to see anyone else because it would break her heart as well. I can understand that she wants to be able to be free and not feel like she has to be somewhere every night. However I do not believe this is a productive way to do it.

[DarkHorizon]

I mean I came out and asked her that. She is very honest and wouldn't be able to lie to me without me sensing that there was more to what she was saying. She has nothing to gain I don't feel by telling me that I'm important to her and that she will still talk to me everyday. she would just say I don't want that. That's the type of person she is. Maybe you are correct and I can't see the forest through the trees. 2 weeks ago we were talking about buying a new house in the future and we have not felt disconnected until a day or two before we had a talk about what was wrong. Maybe that's what it is. I don't really know. Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst

 

I agree 100% with Toodaloo.

My perception of my girlfriend after FOUR YEARS was exactly like yours.

The day she left me, she said "didn't you see all the signs?"

[Ktbp12]

I agree 100% with Toodaloo.

My perception of my girlfriend after FOUR YEARS was exactly like yours.

The day she left me, she said "didn't you see all the signs?"

 

 

 

She isn't saying that though. She says she loves what we have but feels like she needs some time

[VeveCakes]

She's lying.

 

She wants permission to meet other people but she doesn't want you to do the same. She wants you there in case the grass really isn't greener.

 

She's young, this is probably unavoidable.

[SoleMate]

I wouldn't say outright she's lying or planning to screw around.....she's just young and doesn't know her own mind. It's to be expected at age 23. (How old are you btw?). This is a typical issue for an age/maturity gap. You can wait for her but I'm not putting any money on her return. Sorry.

[lolablue17]

She stated she has no intention of seeing anyone else.

 

Open your ears and hear me: She will sleep with someone else. it's not "a possibility", it's a fact. probably more than one. She will probably test 1-2 relationships. Then, if she doesn't fall in love with anyone else, she'll come back to you. Will you take her back?

 

I advice you to say good bye. greet her for her romantic\sex journey, tell her that you're definitely going to date other women, and allow her to call you again in 2 years, if none of you will be taken than, you can consider to getting back together.

[JustAnotherLostLove]

Man, I would NOT be willing to play the grey area if I were you. And I too recently got dumped from a relationship, we were 10 years a part. But yeah, if she wants a break, than give her one. But have her move out, and don't talk to her, it will not help, period. If you guys find each other in the future, than great. But until then, be one or the other, and don't wait, that's absolutely ridiculous.

[Hoosfoos]

She wants to leave but is immature and wants to hang onto a piece of you. She can't handle losing you completely, she only wants to leave you partially and "remain best friends" while she sleeps with guys her age.

[basil67]

If she's not going to be having a regular single life (dating, having nobody to answer to), then what is the point of wanting a break? It just doesn't make sense. What is she going to do while on this break which she can't do while actively dating you? My rule of thumb is that if it doesn't make sense, then it's probably not true.

 

Anyway, I wouldn't wait for her. I wouldn't wait for anyone as it so happens. I take a binary approach to relationships - it's either on or it's off. But that's me. If you're happy waiting in the wings for a girl who may or may no come back, then go for it.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

OK, if the OP told us that this woman was raised by two saints, who are wonderful people, and still married as they were from day one, and who raised multiple kids who were encouraged, supported, but not prodded and over-parented... then I would think what is described is a sign of major trouble and reason for him to give up on the relationship.

 

 

But if there is some such thing missing from her life (like, oh, say, a paternal role model in the home while she was growing up)... then I would sense this young woman to just be playing instincts, and wondering out loud... and potentially... realistically... seeming a reasonable bet to return to the relationship with the OP.

 

 

The OP, as described, has a whole lot of "life" documented behind him... and were he merely age 40... with no kids, and no marriages behind him... then it would be one thing, but the young woman is walking into much more than the simple dynamic that is a one-to-one relationship.

 

 

I'd like to learn a bit about how she was raised to go along with this story...

[Poutrew]

Yeah OP, I can really understand her point of view. She feels she needs to be a 20 year old and do the things a 20 year old does without having 'pops' trailing behind her like a boat anchor, judging her for making bad decisions, and tisk tisking her with a waving finger every 3 minutes. Yeah... and what exactly are the things a person in their 20's does whilst alone? Play Xbox and PlayStation games all day long. Drinking so much it pickles their liver. Doing fantasy role playing with the local troupe of historical actors.... you know, stuff like that. But nope, no sex. Never the thought had entered her mind. Nope. No sweaty, grinding, raves, doing drugs with her pals, no chicken head parties at the local fraternity with drunk alumni... So, she is also asking you to refrain from sex with anyone, and just wait for her to get the steam out of her system. Yeah, right. And I have a bridge in London to sell you...

 

Look at her current behavior. Has she been around anyone new? Does she hang with a fresh crop of friends, you know, people who could be whispering into her ears? Just what exactly has changed recently? And yes, something *has* changed. You just have to be Sherlock Holmes enough to see it. And, it doesn't have to be human - for some the catalyst was reading a book. Fifty Shades of Grey has broken up many an otherwise stable relationship. But whether you ever determine the cause of your present condition or not belies the point that yes, your relationship is now dead. All that is left it to bury the thing and plant the flowers.

 

Don't promise anything beyond a dignified burial. Don't promise to stay celibate - if you do, you will experience one of the most painful feelings a man can feel. It will happen when you are seeing her and her new boyfriend having a blast on her Facebook page...

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry OP, but if she didn't have any intentions of seeing other men, she wouldn't be requesting time away from you.

 

Come on, now. What exactly do you think she's going to be doing? You're not that naive.