Tokai Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 (edited) Not sure about where to put this. It's not really a dating thing nor a breakup. I just really need someone to talk to about this. Its been months, and I still feel hurt by what hashappened. The problem is I don’t evenknow why I still continue to feel hurt by his actions when there was no loveinvolved. I guess in a sense that thereason why I care is that I placed a lot of trust. Trust on someone that I haven’t given thatspecific trust to before, and then had it completely abused and disregarded asthough it meant nothing. And it didn’tmean anything to him – I was just being used for one thing only: sex. I’mnot fully certain whether or not he had several people on the go, including me,but I do know that there was at least one other person and to whom it seems asthough meant a great deal more to him than anything I could ever fulfil. And even that hurts. That realisation that I wasn’t good enoughfor a deep, meaningful connection. I wasjust good enough for “booty call”, an notch on his belt or whatever it is thatguy’s do. Of course, I’ve learnt greatly from this experience. Namely, don’t trust. Don’t give all. And if a man says something, he doesn’t meanit. He’s just another liar, and willuse you and throw you away. I guess Iwas seeing this guy for a few months – almost to a year. He was continuously communicating with methrough messages, although couldn’t be bothered to actually go out and dothings (that’s another sign right that he’s just using you for sex?) justwanted to contact me in the evenings whenever he felt like it. Couldn’t or wouldn’t want to go out for acoffee or a movie. I’m not a demandingtype of person either but every time I asked if we could do something he wouldmake up an excuse as to why not. Only,like a mug I believed it. I guess I deserved and deserve what has happened to me. Anyone else would have been able to spot thesigns. But I was young, naive and in thethroes of my first real “relationship”. Only it wasn’t a relationship, was it? He didn’t contact me much in the January, February and march of lastyear (2015) and I guess, deep down I knew why. He had found someone else. Although how long he has “found” that other someone else, I am not suresince there seems to be some evidence that he was “close” to her before Januarybut she was abroad for a year, and then continued to contact me or try tocontact me from April 2015 through to about late July (I guess she came back)with an immediate blocking without any explanation other than “you’ve beenavoiding me for a while”. Why did he do that? But If that’s the case, and from what I feel deepdown, was that then a green light for him to seek something whilst she wasaway? Does that make me the bit on theside? And then cruelly tossed away andaside when he deemed it was enough and she returned? Doesn’t make me feel better. I feel, as I felt back then, sick. I guess the reason for this recent trigger was that I have amutual friend with this girl that he’s dating. I should have blocked all, and I have now but wasn’t really prepared tocome across her smiling close up profile with him. . I thinkthe realisation that he did in fact use me for his own sexual gratificationwhilst she was away …I’ve been told by people that its chalk up to learningexperience. To move on. Have fun andlove yourself. And I’m trying. I really am and I was doing well enough toobefore this happened yesterday. It hasmade me feel again as I did the firsttime around: pathetic. Stupid. Sick. Andthat hurt pit feeling has come back to lodge in a pit in my chest. I can’t forgive him. For betraying my trust. Obviously it meant little or nothing tohim. His words meant nothing. I know that now but that’s with hindsightafter the event. Not before. Please don’ttell me that I need to move on. I reallydo know that its completely over. Ifthere was anything happening at all. Ijust …. I can’t forgive him but worse, I can’t forgive myself. And I think that’s why I hurt still becauseof this. Edited February 1, 2016 by Tokai readability.
basil67 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I'm so sorry Tokai. For what it's worth, I think many of us have been in your shoes - learning the hard way. I remember back 30 years ago when I was under the impression that if a guy wanted to kiss and more, that he was interested in having me as a girlfriend. Sure, some were interested in having a girlfriend, but others weren't. Lesson very hard learned. Please don't think that men can't be trusted and don't stop giving. Just make sure you look to see that his words and actions must match. And match consistently. He has to act in a trustworthy manner if he's to have your trust. Start relationships with a clean slate, but have a tiny bit of secret cynicism reserved until he proves himself. It will get better. Let yourself process this in your own time. And be kind to yourself. Remember that it's OK to make mistakes - and mistakes are all part of growing and learning. If you had a friend who had been in this situation, I bet you'd be kinder to her than you're being to yourself right now.
Robratory Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Of course, I’ve learnt greatly from this experience. Namely, don’t trust. Don’t give all. And if a man says something, he doesn’t meanit. He’s just another liar, and willuse you and throw you away. I guess Iwas seeing this guy for a few months – almost to a year. He was continuously communicating with methrough messages, although couldn’t be bothered to actually go out and dothings (that’s another sign right that he’s just using you for sex?) justwanted to contact me in the evenings whenever he felt like it. Couldn’t or wouldn’t want to go out for acoffee or a movie. I’m not a demandingtype of person either but every time I asked if we could do something he wouldmake up an excuse as to why not. Only,like a mug I believed it. Believing that all men lie comes from a place of bitterness, so I'm sorry to say that you've learned the wrong lesson. I think that instead of learning not to trust, you should have learned to stand for what you want, and not to accept less. He couldn't be bothered to go out and do things? Why did you allow that? He just contacted you in the evenings, when he felt like it? Why did you allow that? Wouldn't even go have coffee with you? Why did you allow that? Kept making excuses? Why did you allow that? This is not a lack of relationship experience. The problem is that we're not taught to be authentic, to be who we are at face value. Had you learned that, within a couple of months of being in a relationship, friendship, or even job, you would tell yourself, "Self, this is not what we want. What we want is A, B, C. Now let's see if we can get A, B, and C from this relationship (or job), and if not, then let's plan a move to where we can get A, B, and C." You cannot change other people, but you don't have to accept their behavior, either. Make every effort to quickly put distance between you and such people.
mortensorchid Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 You're still in the mindset of the recently broken up. Remember, what is active in your brain right now is not love, it's hate. You hate the person for leaving and you want them back because that will give you happiness. I have some news for you : it doesn't. Find other things to do with your time rather than dwell on this person. This person and you are not to be, which is hard to accept, but it's what it is. You'll be ok. I've been dumped so many times I can't even count anymore, but I'm still here. And you will be too.
AMJ Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 I'm so sorry you're hurting. Unfortunately it just takes time to heal from being hurt like this. When you see the pictures of them happy together, remind yourself that she didn't win the prize guy. She ended up with a really selfish and dishonest person, who will likely hurt her at some point in their relationship. What he did to you speaks to the type of person he is, what kind of character he has, and that won't change. He doesn't care about hurting other people. A good man would have never done this to anyone. It took me a few years to heal from the worst breakup of my life, and I hate that it took me so long. But therapy or self-help books really can help you put together why this happened and help you become stronger so it doesn't happen again. Please don't blame yourself so much, we all make mistakes. It's just time to learn from your mistakes and carry on.
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