10 year relationship ended and I am devestated [update 2016-06-21]

February 1, 2016

I was with my boyfriend for 10 years and we were engaged for part of that time and lived together in my house. After we got engaged I was hesitant to make wedding plans and fully commit because I had doubts. I had doubts mainly because he does not want kids ever and I was unsure and thought I may want a kid in the future. Well he got tired of my indecisiveness and moved out and took the ring. We did continue our relationship when he moved out because we still loved each other. He repeatedly asked me to move in with him to his bigger house and rent mine out but again I was afraid to commit because of the kid issue. I did a lot of soul searching and decided I really do want to be with him and can live without having a kid but can't live without him. I noticed he had been distant with me over the past month and then about a week and a half ago he tells me I need to move on and that he met someone else. I cannot get over him and am a complete wreck...can barely eat or sleep and start sobbing like crazy when I am alone. My thoughts are consumed of him and us. I want him back so badly but am afraid I've lost him for good. I don't know what to do.

February 1, 2016

So sorry I know how painful it is. I've been in and out of a toxic 8 year relationship , engaged as well. The pain is the worst no contact is where u find peace and I can't seem to stop allowing this person back into my life.

You have real issues , having children is a deal breaker if your both not on the same page.Hope everything works out

February 1, 2016

I noticed he had been distant with me over the past month and then about a week and a half ago he tells me I need to move on and that he met someone else. I cannot get over him and am a complete wreck...can barely eat or sleep and start sobbing like crazy when I am alone. My thoughts are consumed of him and us. I want him back so badly but am afraid I've lost him for good. I don't know what to do.

I hate it when the situation in bold happens. I really have a huge problems with Branch Swingers. They can't deal with grieving so they let the other half hanging on the relationship until they can drop them off once they get someone else.

Talk about respect and compassion. Let karma deal with him. I don't believe that people who cause pain to others won't get it in any other form.

"Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord." - Romans 12:19

February 1, 2016

I'm sorry you're here, OP.

You can't expect to be over him yet. You've just had a big blow and will need a lot of time to heal. Please be patient with yourself.

And in the end, I think it's better that you two broke up. He is right to end it if he felt you weren't committing, just as you are right to be hesitant about not being on the same page about children. I have a feeling you would have encountered major stumbling blocks in the future if you'd got married. Having children (or not) is something couples really need to see eye-to-eye about. For a very long time, you didn't agree on this.

Ultimately, I don't think this would have worked out well. I know it hurts that he's already found someone else, but that tells me he's been checking out for a while now. Your relationship was already moving in the wrong direction, by him moving out and taking the ring back. I'm not sure what you expected him to do, to be honest. He saw you not wanting to commit. He wouldn't have wanted to keep waiting for you to decide.

Give yourself time and plenty of space and compassion. Remind yourself of the reasons you didn't want to set a wedding date and commit further. You didn't want the same things.

February 1, 2016

Thank you for the replies. I honestly thought love would conquer all. It took me losing him to realize that I truly do want to be with him but now its too late. Trust me I have been agonizing over my decision for quite some time. We had broken up and gotten back several times before and the longest we have gone with no contact was maybe a week. We also had gotten a puppy together and now I probably will never see the dog again either which I loved like a child.

Edited February 1, 2016 by MzMelanie

February 1, 2016

It took me losing him to realize that I truly do want to be with him but now its too late.

Yours is indeed a really sad story, and I am so sorry. I am recovering from a four year relationship and there are a couple of similarities to your story, and it is already incredibly hard. I can't even imagine how it is after ten years. Regardless, we have to move on. It will take a long time, but the important thing is to keep in mind that the ruminating thoughts WILL pass. Don't think it was wasted time, because you learned so much from the experience. You do need to cut all connections with him at this point, so you don't keep poking the wound - it has to heal. NC has been incredibly helpful in my recovery, and it seems to be particularly effective in post long term relationships.

February 1, 2016

Thank you for the replies. I honestly thought love would conquer all. It took me losing him to realize that I truly do want to be with him but now its too late. Trust me I have been agonizing over my decision for quite some time. We had broken up and gotten back several times before and the longest we have gone with no contact was maybe a week. We also had gotten a puppy together and now I probably will never see the dog again either which I loved like a child.

Fresh start, MzMelanie. I know this is extremely hard for you as you've dedicated 10 years of your life for this man. And 10 years is a long one. But everything has to end. There is a reason why this has to end. Treasure the memories, but prepare yourself for your next beginning. It will be a long and hard road, where you'll miss him and you will want to contact him.

But don't.

You really need 100% of your focus on yourself and your well-being. You'll be able to do it, only if you let yourself

February 12, 2016

Well I got a text from my ex the other day saying he is going to be out of town for work a couple days next week and asked if I want to watch the dog. I waited about a day and a 1/2 and replied that I would like to watch the dog (I miss him!). He just sent a reply saying cool. It kills me that my ex is being so cold and business like to me. I am going to try and act strong when I see him but does anyone have any other advice? I know I am probably being stupid agreeing to watch the dog but he was a huge part of my life for three years and I used to walk him every day. It was so selfish of my ex to take him from me.

February 12, 2016

No, he's not going on vacation (its the middle of the week). Only someone who has raised a puppy would understand my bond with that dog (furry human). He knows how much I love that dog and said I could watch him anytime. My situation is unique. Anyone out there with kids could maybe understand.

February 15, 2016

By all means look after the dog, I would certainly ignore any advice to the contrary. I was advised the same and am glad I did not take that particular advice.

BUT, go into this with no expectations on rekindling the relationship. None. The relationship is over. Your relationship with the dog does not have to be if you can be mature.

I see his reaching out as him recognizing you likely are very attached to the dog and he is allowing you to spend some time with the puppy. That will do wonders for you I am telling you.

My ex and I are sharing our dog and cat currently, and she is with someone new. While it is challenging, I'm going to post about it the experience, I am so happy to have the dog 3 to 4 nights per week.

We're being really mature about it, and it's all about the dog. And the cat too, but mostly the dog. I cannot begin to describe how much having our dog helped me get through some very tough times surrounding my breakup. She is awesome, and I am much further along because of her.

I also appreciate the way we are dealing with it. We continue to take walks with her together - just a couple of times per week - and discuss the things we need to discuss - selling our home, her finding a new place and more.

I am sure things won't be like this forever, but for now we are pretty good. Not perfect, but good.

I wish you well.

February 15, 2016

Oh man. First of all ,How old are you and him? If you want to be a mother someday, then you cannot deny yourself that. Is he too young to make that decision of not having a child? My ex boyfriend just broke up over this issue. he wants a child ( he's 54, never had one) and I already have two. As much as I had him be a part of my family, he longs to have his own. He is dating someone now. Its very hurtful as he was supposed to come visit my kids last week but I cancelled when I found out he was dating. I'm doing no contact because I have been so down, cannot eat..losing weight. I guess we just have to take it one day at a time. Ignore the other girl. 10 years you were together, im sure he still cares for you.Just take care of you right now..make sure you are eating, getting some sleep( hard), showing to work and exercising.I'm only on day 7, hasn't gotten better.

February 18, 2016

Thank you for the replies. Its nice to know there is someone else who is sharing pets as well. I decided to watch the dog and I went over to his house the other night and got the dog and we were very cordial with each other. It was hard for me but I stayed strong and am glad I have the dog for a few days. He is the sweetest thing and is so affectionate.

The first few weeks of the break up were very rough and I couldn't eat much but now my appetite is back. I am still having trouble sleeping through the night but am at least getting some sleep. I have been going to work and trying to stay busy getting together with family and friends. I have my good days and bad days. I still find myself crying but not as much as I was. As for our ages, I am 39 and he is 44 so old enough that we should know what we want.

I just keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason.

June 21, 2016

I haven't logged onto this site for a few months and was hoping time would heal me but I still feel very depressed and can't move on. I have been trying to put on a brave face to the outside world but I am really hurting. It's been 5 months since my relationship of 10 years ended. I know it's going to take me a really long time to get over this and am wondering how long is has taken others to heal? I am afraid I am so damaged that I am never going to move on. My ex is still with the person he left me for and it kills me. I have been praying that it doesn't work out for them. I have so many feelings of regret and blame myself for him meeting her because I couldn't commit to him. I have been going to therapy and my counselor assures me that my feelings are normal and I am just going through the stages of grieving. I have been trying to get together with friends and family and stay busy and I do have some brief moments of happiness but I still constantly think of my ex. Everything reminds me of him. I have trouble sleeping and it's a struggle to get out of bed most mornings. I feel like I am in a fog half the time and just don't feel like myself. I feel like my life is empty and a piece of me is missing. I hate feeling like this and want to be happy and feel normal again! Any advice from your experiences or words of encouragement would be appreciated.

June 21, 2016

Well I got a text from my ex the other day saying he is going to be out of town for work a couple days next week and asked if I want to watch the dog. I waited about a day and a 1/2 and replied that I would like to watch the dog (I miss him!). He just sent a reply saying cool. It kills me that my ex is being so cold and business like to me. I am going to try and act strong when I see him but does anyone have any other advice? I know I am probably being stupid agreeing to watch the dog but he was a huge part of my life for three years and I used to walk him every day. It was so selfish of my ex to take him from me.

It'll be very painful going to his house. Suggest watching the dog at your house, so you're not sorrounded by his belongings. This is really a big sacrifice on your part, even though you love the dog, it will be very painful being in his house. I don't know how you're going to manage.

Edited June 21, 2016 by Sunnymae

June 21, 2016

It'll take a year and a half. (With absolutely NC, longer with).

The only mistake you made was giving the dog back

I'm so sorry....

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IMMATURE ABOUT GOING...AND STAYING...NO CONTACT

Edited June 21, 2016 by whatnot
Tried to get larger print

June 21, 2016

My first thought was...

What a tight assed scroate for taking back the ring!

Second was

What the hell was he playing at stringing you along and wasting your time?

I am not impressed by your ex.

Personally, though I know you are hurting, I think you had a lucky escape. Now you can go on and meet a guy with the same wishes as you. You can end up much happier.

But leave this guy alone and cut all contact with him. No facebook or other social media, no calls or texts etc. Buggar knowing if he is still with the other girl or not you have a life to live and it starts today.

So dry your tears and blow your nose. Pop on some make up and paint your nails. Go out for a long walk and soak up some sunshine. Enrol in a class or join a group that interests you. Get drunk with your girl friends, go and sky dive or do that thing you always wanted but didn't have the courage/ time/ inclination to do...

Go and live!

Pretty soon it becomes a habit and you suddenly realise you actually don't give a toss what he is doing because you are having too much fun with out him.

June 21, 2016

My ex wife left me in 2006 for/with another man. They moved to another city.

We were together 12 years...married the last 4. I was fortunate, in that...it happened the way it did. It forced me into a no contact situation.

It was about a year and a half before I began to feel myself again. About 2 and a half to 3 years before I really began to enjoy dating again. 4 years and I was with someone more compatible. I called her up at the 2 year mark just to "catch up". The true motive for calling her was to prove to myself whether or not i was truly over her. (I was). She had broken up with the guy and she acted as if she'd like to call me up. It wasn't encouraged by me. It was over. I was indifferent. The things I used to love about her. Those same things gave me pause. I didn't care about this person any longer.

This stuff is not an event. It's just the fabric of our lives... It's all good. Even the pain...

Change is the only constant. And this will too.

:-)

Edited June 21, 2016 by whatnot

June 21, 2016

I haven't logged onto this site for a few months and was hoping time would heal me but I still feel very depressed and can't move on. I have been trying to put on a brave face to the outside world but I am really hurting. It's been 5 months since my relationship of 10 years ended. I know it's going to take me a really long time to get over this and am wondering how long is has taken others to heal? I am afraid I am so damaged that I am never going to move on. My ex is still with the person he left me for and it kills me. I have been praying that it doesn't work out for them. I have so many feelings of regret and blame myself for him meeting her because I couldn't commit to him. I have been going to therapy and my counselor assures me that my feelings are normal and I am just going through the stages of grieving. I have been trying to get together with friends and family and stay busy and I do have some brief moments of happiness but I still constantly think of my ex. Everything reminds me of him. I have trouble sleeping and it's a struggle to get out of bed most mornings. I feel like I am in a fog half the time and just don't feel like myself. I feel like my life is empty and a piece of me is missing. I hate feeling like this and want to be happy and feel normal again! Any advice from your experiences or words of encouragement would be appreciated.

It took me 2 years to reach indifference after my last relationship. Grief takes awhile. Good that you are going through therapy. It will get better, but you have to ride out the bad times. 5 months is really nothing after a 10 year relationship. You are still in the thick of your grief. It took me an entire year to truly feel better and another year after that before I finally stopped feeling anything for my ex. So it can happen.

Are you still NC? No looking on social media or anything like that?

June 22, 2016

Thank you for the replies. To clarify a few things, I am still in limited contact with him as I still occasionally watch the dog we had gotten together. I didn't let him take the dog...I wanted to keep the dog but technically it is his since he paid for the dog and the vet bills are in his name. We were/are both very attached to the dog so it's like a child. I have stopped going over his house and he just comes by to drop the dog off and pick him up. I also still have him on Facebook but he rarely posts anything. I am just really struggling with the fact that he could replace me after 10 years just like that and I am still hurting. I can't imagine going on a date with another guy let alone start a relationship.

June 22, 2016

I understand your attachment to the dog but unfortunately that requires attachment to your ex. If you can consider it, relinquish the dog to him. He can find a dog sitter. Go adopt a new puppy or dog and make it a part of your clean break from your ex. You'll move on much faster without the constant contact you are subjecting yourself to.

June 22, 2016

Thank you for the replies. To clarify a few things, I am still in limited contact with him as I still occasionally watch the dog we had gotten together. I didn't let him take the dog...I wanted to keep the dog but technically it is his since he paid for the dog and the vet bills are in his name. We were/are both very attached to the dog so it's like a child. I have stopped going over his house and he just comes by to drop the dog off and pick him up. I also still have him on Facebook but he rarely posts anything. I am just really struggling with the fact that he could replace me after 10 years just like that and I am still hurting. I can't imagine going on a date with another guy let alone start a relationship.

You need to drop him as a friend on FB. Even if he never posts anything, social media allows you to have a superficial connection to a person that can hold you back. It's a tie to the past that you need to get rid of.

Regarding the dog, you might have to let the dog go. I'm not saying you need to make that decision today, but just think about it. My pets are like family too, so I understand the attachment. But when it boils down to it, you might need to sacrifice the dog to be able to move on from this. You might have to prioritize moving on over your dog. And nothing about that is fair or easy, but I would think it would be incredibly difficult to move on from this if you see your ex and talk to him in any form. Breaking up a LTR is hard because you do have many things together. A lot of people do have pets together, joint finances, ect. Unless you have kids together, I would recommend that you get rid of all the ties that bind. Also, it might be more difficult to see the dog and then have the dog taken away. It might be easier to simply not see the dog at all.

10 years is a long time. Most relationships don't last that long. People fall out of love because emotions are always changing.

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10 year relationship ended and I am devestated [update 2016-06-21]

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