I treated her like a w***e?

[mr_dave]

So, a little background, I've been dating this beautiful Spanish girl for the past few months, and it has been very plain sailing from the first minute. I'm 27, she's a 23 year old exchange student here in the UK.

There was no game playing, she's very affectionate, we've been on weekends away in my car, trips abroad, it's been so nice and 'easy' so far. Her English is poor, so not only do we communicate solely in Spanish, but I also help her with her studies, rewriting essays in better English, etc..

 

So we went to Italy last weekend, had a great time, but as soon as I got back I was pretty ill. I felt really weak, tired, hot, on the cusp of throwing up, and my face and eyes had swollen to twice their normal size, I looked like I'd been badly beaten up, or had a severe allergic reaction.

 

She was keen to see me all week, I refused, not wanting to make her ill or have her see me in such a mess, but eventually relented on Saturday. She offered to come to my town, but I drove over to hers so as not to bump into my friends I had declined to meet due to my illness. We went out for a meal which I paid for, and then returned to her room.

 

I was yawning constantly and told her how tired I was, I had been up for 19 hours, done a day's work and was still feeling ill, I was shattered. Sex was the last thing on my mind. I was about to fall asleep, when she started playing with my equipment. It felt great, I didn't want to tell her not to, because I have to fight her off most of the time, she has a fondness for groping me in public and likes it outdoors! When I climaxed through oral, we both cleaned up, I gave her a kiss, said goodnight and pretty much went straight to sleep.

 

When I left the next morning I kissed her goodbye several times, told her how beautiful and cute she was and let her carry on sleeping, (I'd been snoring a lot)

 

I later asked if she wanted to meet up, she said she didn't want to do anything. Sensing something was off, I asked if I had done anything wrong, and she said I had treated her like a w***e! When I asked her what made her feel that way, she said it was 'ugly' how I had gone to sleep and ignored her afterwards, and that instead of letting her visit me (I live with my parents, so nothing physical could have happened) I went to hers, suggesting I just wanted sex - I "used" her!

I explained how tired I was feeling, how I didn't want to bump into my friends, how I don't see her as a w***e, but things are still off.

 

Can anybody shed any light as to why she would feel that way?

 

I think I've been a pretty good BF so far. I waited until she practically raped me the first time we had sex, I take her to nice places, help her when I can with her work, pay for pretty much everything, try to encourage and support her, and I end up getting this.

I'm pretty disappointed to be honest!

 

Thoughts anyone? Thanks

[Toodaloo]

No light to shed here...

 

Bit perplexed in all honesty.

 

All I can think is that she wanted or needed some more attention after.

 

Have a chat to her. Tell her it concerns you as you do not want her to feel that way. Ask her what you could do differently so she feels more loved. Then do it.

 

Personally I don't think she realised quite how tired and ill you were.

 

Hope your feeling better.

[mr_dave]

Thanks Toodaloo!

Well I am feeling better, but this has got me fairly down

I'll ask her if she'd like to meet later on..

[Lorenza]

She knew you were sick, didn't she? Did you make it clear how you were feeling the whole week? I'm asking cause you are the one with a language barrier and might have difficulties expressing things.

If you made sure she realizes your situation, then I'm sorry but she's acting pretty immature. I'd have no patience for girls, who, despite you treating them really well on all other occasions, decide to get upset about that one occasion they couldn't have their way (if I was a guy). You had a pretty good reason besides. I think you should remind her of how nicely you treat her and that you did nothing wrong and she was the one initiating sex that night. Tell her it's unacceptable to act this way. This is the moment when you teach her if her behavior is gonna be tolerated or not, will you let this pass and take the blame, expect her to throw tantrums other times things go not the way she imagined again.

[mr_dave]

She knew you were sick, didn't she? Did you make it clear how you were feeling the whole week? I'm asking cause you are the one with a language barrier and might have difficulties expressing things.

If you made sure she realizes your situation, then I'm sorry but she's acting pretty immature. I'd have no patience for girls, who, despite you treating them really well on all other occasions, decide to get upset about that one occasion they couldn't have their way (if I was a guy). You had a pretty good reason besides. I think you should remind her of how nicely you treat her and that you did nothing wrong and she was the one initiating sex that night. Tell her it's unacceptable to act this way. This is the moment when you teach her if her behavior is gonna be tolerated or not, will you let this pass and take the blame, expect her to throw tantrums other times things go not the way she imagined again.

 

Thanks for that post, great advice! She did know I was ill, I told her repeatedly during the week, and said that night how tired I was, my Spanish isn't perfect, I make small grammatical errors here and there, but we have some heavy political/ philosophical discussions, so there's no language barrier as such.

This has annoyed me, you're right, when I see her, I will remind her that I treat her well and see what she says. I can't be bothered with game playing or arguing over nonsensical things, I'd rather be single!

[Gemma1]

She sounds really high maintenance and dramatic. Any girl who would do this is probably fairly over emotional and it will surface at other times in the future. It sounds like youve just gotten lucky that it hasn't come out to this point.

[Toodaloo]

Thanks Toodaloo!

Well I am feeling better, but this has got me fairly down

I'll ask her if she'd like to meet later on..

 

The other thing to bear in mind is how much experience she has.

 

If she has not been in a long term relationship she may be expecting "Disney" style love making each time.

 

Those who have been in long term relationships know better.

 

Personally I don't think you have done anything wrong. So stop feeling down about it. Its not a crime to be human.

[introverted1]

Eh, I'll offer another pov. OP, if you were well enough to enjoy the oral sex that she gave you, then she may well have thought you were well enough to reciprocate. It is probably the fact that you went to sleep immediately after that led to her feeling that she had "serviced" you.

 

Not saying this is necessarily legitimate -- of course when we are not feeling well it is easier to receive than to give -- but she may have thought that your physical response meant that you were well enough to "play" and then felt offended when you didn't.

 

Communicate.

[loveweary11]

That's the spice!!

 

Spanish, Italian, Latin... this is what you get.

 

There is a lot more fire to deal with.

 

Just roll with it and it'll probably be out of her mind in 24 hours. Next time, just make it up to her.

 

In all of these cultures, it's common for women to blow up a little, then completely forget about it hours later.

 

First firey girl you've dated?

Edited February 1, 2016 by loveweary11

[mr_dave]

The other thing to bear in mind is how much experience she has.

 

If she has not been in a long term relationship she may be expecting "Disney" style love making each time.

 

Those who have been in long term relationships know better.

 

Personally I don't think you have done anything wrong. So stop feeling down about it. Its not a crime to be human.

 

Thanks Toodaloo!

With regard to Disney style love-making... well we were on a deserted train in Italy, the toilet was nearby, I tried to say no...but I had absolutely no say in the matter!

I'm not sure she has such romantic expectations of it!

 

Eh, I'll offer another pov. OP, if you were well enough to enjoy the oral sex that she gave you, then she may well have thought you were well enough to reciprocate. It is probably the fact that you went to sleep immediately after that led to her feeling that she had "serviced" you.

 

Not saying this is necessarily legitimate -- of course when we are not feeling well it is easier to receive than to give -- but she may have thought that your physical response meant that you were well enough to "play" and then felt offended when you didn't.

 

Communicate.

 

Hmm, that's plausible. I would love to reciprocate, but she never lets me, I think she has issues regarding her lady parts, despite my repeated reassurances.

 

That's the spice!!

 

Spanish, Italian, Latin... this is what you get.

 

There is a lot more fire to deal with.

 

Just roll with it and it'll probably be out of her mind in 24 hours. Next time, just make it up to her.

 

In all of these cultures, it's common for women to blow up a little, then completely forget about it hours later.

 

First firey girl you've dated?

 

Yeah, she is the first latin girl I've dated!

Well they do have a reputation for being at best - passionate, at worst - nuts, so time will tell I guess!

[Toodaloo]

Passionate and completely nuts sometimes are one and the same...

 

Just saying as I know I am both.

 

The only time this has ever happened and I have felt like I have been truely used was a really long time ago. He had just passed his airline pilots exam and I met him while he was out celebrating. We were chatting and I met up with him, things got frisky and after he was really disengaged and quite rude I felt.

 

I suspect she didn't realise just how tired and poorly you were.

 

Women have hormones... after a big dose of them we can go a bit cray cray with out meaning to. (Do not ever say this to a woman or she will rip your head off... women are only allowed to admit this to other women who "just know" what its like...)

 

Talk to her.

[amaysngrace]

This chick's got issues.

 

Send her flowers.

[AMJ]

I think her reaction has more to do with her age than it does her being Spanish. University students have more energy and don't yet understand how tiring a full-time job can be. So I think in all honesty she didn't really understand how exhausted you were. And she definitely expected some reciprocation and attention on your part. I'm not blaming you, just trying to help you see where she's coming from. She was expecting the oral sex to just be the beginning, not the end, of your night together.

 

And this is tinkering on the edge of that time-old question- does anyone ever really feel satisfied by just giving oral sex? Or do we always, almost always, expect something in return? I know that there are people who are happy to just give, and don't expect to receive, but most people wouldn't exactly turn away the opportunity to receive.