donetrying Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Hi, Just wanted to get some opinions on my situation. I was seeing a girl for a year. She lived in Canada and myself Australia. We met while I was doing a snow season over in Canada and we were hooking up for 3 months while I was there. We were both really sad when I left and decided we wanted to see each other again. We ended up going on a trip to asia together which was amazing and we both said we loved each other. I had fallen head over heels for this girl and just wanted to be able to be around her all the time. She is so smart and beautiful and we like a lot of the same things. After this trip we spoke pretty much every day, morning hellos, chats throughout the day and she would always say goodnight when she got into bed whether she took it easy or was out partying all night. We discussed the possibility of being together and ended up giving it a go. Things didn't go so well, as we hadn't really built up the trust we needed and so we went back to just not giving it a label. I flew back to Canada to see her again after a couple of months for a week and again it was amazing and when I got home we kept in touch the same but more lovey this time. I really wanted her to be my girlfriend but I think the fact that it didn't work the first time made her scared of committing. Her and 2 of her girl friends had planned a trip to Aus and she turned up here at the end of last year. This is where things changed. She wasn't speaking to me as much as she was the week before and she wasn't as lovey. I get she is holidaying to a new place and its all exciting but I just expected to be apart of the experience. She has always seemed to keep me at arms length, I guess to protect herself. I think she had a pretty ****ty relationship before. Anyways, things ended up ok once we saw each other. We went away on a nice trip together and things were great as they always are when we are together. she's really caring and affectionate when we're together. About a week after the trip we went for a drink and I said I wanted to talk about us and where it was going. I saw straight away in her eyes and her breathing that she was deeply worried. She asked me what I thought and I told her that I couldn't handle the semi relationship that we had, I wanted her and I wanted to be her boyfriend. Thats when she told me that she didn't want to commit to anything right now. So I said that we should just end in now then if its never going to go anywhere. We said our goodbyes and now I'm here, 4 days later. Did I make the right decision? or should I have just gone with it and been there when she was ready for something more? I'm hurting a lot, all I ever wanted was to be with her. I know things would have been amazing if she just committed and gave me all of her heart. I've been trying the no contact thing, she messaged me today about something unimportant and i wrote back. She replied again but I didn't respond to her last message. Ever since then though I've just been consumed by my own thoughts. I'm finding it really hard to not contact her in some way.
Harry786 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I guess , being the dumper, all you can do is wait now.
PegNosePete Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Thats when she told me that she didn't want to commit to anything right now. "Right now", hmm. She has known you plenty long enough to know whether she wants to make a go of things with you, or not. Unfortunately she decided "not". Chances are she wouldn't change her mind, especially since things had been getting less intense between you. It seems that she was becoming more distant lately. It doesn't make sense for you to put your life on hold, waiting for something that will probably never happen. Yes, I think you did the right thing. There comes a point where you have to say, look, it's time to sh*t or get off the pot. You pushed her to make a choice... and she made it. 3
Author donetrying Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 I was really hoping that some time apart with NC might put it into perspective for her and that maybe she would decide that she didn't want to lose me and that I was worth committing too. Thanks for the straight honesty
mightycpa Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 How, exactly, does a Canada/Australia relationship work? I'm just a geographically illiterate American, but doesn't the most direct route between you go through the center of the earth? Is it even possible for you to have picked someone more distant? Did you ever talk to her about closing the physical distance between you so that it would be measured in kilometers, rather than earth radii? You can't even gaze at the same stars together while you talk on the phone. It's hard to fault her for not being enthusiastic about that. There are plenty of fish is the vast oceans between the both of you. 2
Author donetrying Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 As I mentioned above, she is in Australia at the moment and we had discussed the what ifs it all worked out. She'll be here for 9 months. Not sure your comment was at all helpful but thanks
Paradigm Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 But 9 months is a short time. What happens after? She goes back to Canada and waits another year or two? I don't know how long it takes to immigrate in Australia if you are married, but it's never that fast. Can't blame her for wanting someone with her right now rather than live in a fairy tale. She would also need to be 100% certain that you're never gonna bail out on her. After all, she would be gambling everything for you. I can completely relate to her and why she is being so hesitant. Except that for me, it's my boyfriend's lack of commitment that made me bail out.
Silver_star Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I would agree. Its hard enough being in a LDR, but then to have doubts from it not working out in the past and trust issues on top of that...I wouldn't have been enthusiastic either. I think she is just being realistic and doesn't want to get hurt by something she knows in her heart she can't rely on working out. She probably cares about you, and is not ruling out anything in the future, but right now in her life some significant changes would need to be made in order for her to have a happy secure relationship with you, for example living in the same place. You don't choose who you love, but when you do fall for someone from so far away it does present an obvious challenge. Only the strong will to make it work on both sides will see it through. Changes and compromises would need to be made. Its not the easiest path to love, but it happens.
mightycpa Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 As I mentioned above, she is in Australia at the moment and we had discussed the what ifs it all worked out. She'll be here for 9 months. Not sure your comment was at all helpful but thanks It could be helpful if you think about it. She's here now, gone later and "if" it works out, then you'll bridge the 13,000 mile distance. If I were a woman, I wouldn't like the odds that this isn't a sleep with me now, disappoint me later proposition. How sincere you may actually be has no bearing whatsoever.
Author donetrying Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 We've been seeing each other for a year. We have slept with each other a lot. I was the one looking for her commitment, not the other way around. Maybe I'm taking what you're saying wrong but it seems like you're trying to say she may think that I'm just going to sleep with her and leave. If that were the case why would I bother asking her to commit? We've had a physical relationship since we met so I'm not trying to trick her into sleeping with me and then when she leaves just cut the ties. Did you read the story?
Author donetrying Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 I would agree. Its hard enough being in a LDR, but then to have doubts from it not working out in the past and trust issues on top of that...I wouldn't have been enthusiastic either. I think she is just being realistic and doesn't want to get hurt by something she knows in her heart she can't rely on working out. She probably cares about you, and is not ruling out anything in the future, but right now in her life some significant changes would need to be made in order for her to have a happy secure relationship with you, for example living in the same place. You don't choose who you love, but when you do fall for someone from so far away it does present an obvious challenge. Only the strong will to make it work on both sides will see it through. Changes and compromises would need to be made. Its not the easiest path to love, but it happens. Thank you Silver_star. I can understand that is likely how she feels. What do you suggest from here? Should I just not contact her and try and get on with my life without her?
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