Author bluefairy812 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 There's definitely more to it than just being tired. If you were more sexually active before you were in a relationship, and you've only been together 6 months, there's a big problem here. The fact that he's telling you he has no complaints tells me it's not going to get better. He's fine with the way things are. Personally, I would not be fine with sex once a month, if that. I want a boyfriend, not a friend to hang out with. OP, I would sit him down for a talk. Do not have this conversation over text. Explain, in person, how this makes you feel. You already know how he feels. If nothing improves, I'd say you're not meant to be in a relationship together. Honestly though, what kind of a woman would want to live like that??? I told him I'm sure there are women but good luck - what I want to try and get through to him is that I have been so patient with this. I am not crazy. This is something that is needed. What else can I tell him??? He has even told me "you and your google searches" because yes- I have googled the topic and done research.
Redhead14 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Thank you very much for your advice. I will try again... but damn. I think the texting came from being desperate - I've questioned my self-respect at this point, am I settling? Am I being too needy? I just want the basic benefits of a relationship. He hates holding hands, fine, okay you hate it so I won't force it, but wow a compliment every now and then, and touch me a little, make me feel like i'm a woman and i'm the only one. I have talked about this topic with him already about 3-4 times already in the last 6 months. both text and in person. his last response in person was "yes I get it - I don't have an answer as to why we haven't done it, we just haven't - it's a mix of i'm tired and also bc you weren't on the pill" those were his words in mid-December. I did give him an ultimatum by text and he told me he doesn't do well with that, and also not to "plant the seed" of breaking up in my head because it will just grow bigger and bigger. I got on the pill 3 weeks ago. still nothing. How can I make a stubborn man who is stuck in his ways and has barely any experience with women (as an adult, because he was supposedly very involved with girls in high school)? How can I break this down for him? I know they say some men are oblivious to what women want but I feel like I've tried. If this truly was an issue I think one time of talking about it should address it. Am I wrong to feel like my self-esteem has suffered? It's like now I understand why people cheat - it is NOT right but i see how people can go looking for that missing piece. I don't know how to talk about this calmly without looking needy, desperate, want to cry or yell. I'm sure to him I'm being a drama queen. Wait a little while and collect yourself. Get focused on YOU for a little while. Stop stressing about it and back off. Then address it with him. If he is emotionally truly invested in you he will notice that you've backed off. He may not say anything. Give him a little time to realize you've stopped being a drama queen and are now being "rational". There is nothing to "break down" for him. It's plain and simple, you need more closeness from him. If he wants to deliver that for you, great. But you need to tell him what you need and give him time to show you he's going to do that. It sounds like he isn't meeting your needs on any level emotionally. He doesn't sound like he's emotionally connected to you. You've become a convenience in some ways. How can I make a stubborn man who is stuck in his ways and has barely any experience with women (as an adult, because he was supposedly very involved with girls in high school)? -- You can't make him do anything, he has to want to do it. 1
Author bluefairy812 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 (edited) Wait a little while and collect yourself. Get focused on YOU for a little while. Stop stressing about it and back off. Then address it with him. If he is emotionally truly invested in you he will notice that you've backed off. He may not say anything. Give him a little time to realize you've stopped being a drama queen and are now being "rational". There is nothing to "break down" for him. It's plain and simple, you need more closeness from him. If he wants to deliver that for you, great. But you need to tell him what you need and give him time to show you he's going to do that. It sounds like he isn't meeting your needs on any level emotionally. He doesn't sound like he's emotionally connected to you. You've become a convenience in some ways. How can I make a stubborn man who is stuck in his ways and has barely any experience with women (as an adult, because he was supposedly very involved with girls in high school)? -- You can't make him do anything, he has to want to do it. I think you're spot on - the emotional part (affection, sex, vulnerability) it's all connected (correct me if i'm wrong?) and no he's not meeting my needs in that part. Everything else he is. Maybe it's an issue for him not wanting to open up to me. I guess you're right, I will back off. Next time he asks me to sleep over I will say no - because if you can't even provide me with affection or sex I might as well sleep alone. Do you know what it is to lay in bed with him and think "another night of no sex/no touching me"? It's frustrating and heartbreaking for me. He says "but i'm with you" - as if that's enough... no it's not. he has such a tough exterior... but a soft inside which I think he's scared to show. Edited February 1, 2016 by bluefairy812
stillafool Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I think you are beating your head against the wall. He is not going to change. Don't move in with him, break up with him and find someone who you are sexually compatible with. I cannot tell you how important sexual compatibility is in a relationship. You will suffer if you stay. 1
Redhead14 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I think you're spot on - the emotional part (affection, sex, vulnerability) it's all connected (correct me if i'm wrong?) and no he's not meeting my needs in that part. Everything else he is. Maybe it's an issue for him not wanting to open up to me. I guess you're right, I will back off. Next time he asks me to sleep over I will say no - because if you can't even provide me with affection or sex I might as well sleep alone. Do you know what it is to lay in bed with him and think "another night of no sex/no touching me"? It's frustrating and heartbreaking for me. He says "but i'm with you" - as if that's enough... no it's not. he has such a tough exterior... but a soft inside which I think he's scared to show. because if you can't even provide me with affection or sex I might as well sleep alone -- No don't say anything like this. This is passive-aggressiveness. I don't mean back off in the sense of not seeing him, just back off of the issue. I do understand that is it actually more lonely to sleep in a bed with a man who is not emotionally connecting with you. You can opt to stay home for a while for the purpose of getting centered and focused for yourself but don't say anything like that. It's probably a good idea to stay home one in a while anyway just to relieve some of the pressure that's been building. Keep in touch with him when you do stay home, it's not about punishing or withholding.
Miss Peach Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I have an ex who stopped touching me once he got me into bed. I really bothered me. I wondered if I wasn't attractive, etc. Plus I really missed the physical affection which is part of the point of being in a relationship IMO. My take on men is they won't do anything they don't want to do. So if lack of sex is a deal breaker you'll need to be prepared to walk. Some ideas to possibly make things better: I've also been the career woman and at times sex felt like another chore. Is there something you can do to help make things easier and less stressful so that it's not a chore? It might be worth a try. There is a famous FMT named Dr. Pat Allen. She has a technique to establish intimacy that might be helpful here. Basically it involves setting aside 2 hours to take a touch and bathe each other. It can lead to sex but it doesn't have to. The idea is to set aside some relaxing time to touch each other and build on the intimacy of that. Afterward she recommends writing a letter to your partner about what you enjoyed from the experience. This is something else that might be worth a try.
Author bluefairy812 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 I have an ex who stopped touching me once he got me into bed. I really bothered me. I wondered if I wasn't attractive, etc. Plus I really missed the physical affection which is part of the point of being in a relationship IMO. My take on men is they won't do anything they don't want to do. So if lack of sex is a deal breaker you'll need to be prepared to walk. This is very true!!!! Some ideas to possibly make things better: I've also been the career woman and at times sex felt like another chore. Is there something you can do to help make things easier and less stressful so that it's not a chore? It might be worth a try. What can I do??? I feel unmotivated... There is a famous FMT named Dr. Pat Allen. She has a technique to establish intimacy that might be helpful here. Basically it involves setting aside 2 hours to take a touch and bathe each other. It can lead to sex but it doesn't have to. The idea is to set aside some relaxing time to touch each other and build on the intimacy of that. Afterward she recommends writing a letter to your partner about what you enjoyed from the experience. This is something else that might be worth a try. I like this idea - the issue is we don't live together - he lives with his family and I have a roommate, so the shower idea is a little out of the question Any ideas on how I can try?
Author bluefairy812 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 okay, if I decide to stick this out once again, regardless of how frustrated i feel:(, I know no relationship is easy.... what is my game plan? move away from this topic and act like everything is fine? focus on myself? (I already go to the gym 5 times a week and I am a graduate student) not initiate? (I haven't been initiating at all since the last time)...
turnera Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 he says it's not his libido... it's easier said than done to just drop someone and move on It's easier to leave him NOW than in five years when you're really not getting any sex because he's fully taking you for granted by then. You can TRY to fix your relationship, but I don't have much hope it will change. Start by reading His Needs Her Needs. It explains how each of you should be meeting the other's needs (and not Love Busting - upsetting - them ) and that, if you do this, they will be more inclined to make sure YOUR needs are met. 1
meowmix9 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 How is the sex when you do have it? Fulfilling? If so, then I wouldn't write him off just yet. Sometimes in my relationship I initiate every time for months, but I don't care. Sometimes for guys it takes more to get them in the mood than waiting for them to do it themselves. I can't count how many times I've started messing around with him and he goes "Stop stop, I'm too tired tonight, I'm sorry I just don't feel like it", but I don't take no for an answer easily so I say "just shh" and keep going and after a few minutes ta-da! He's ready to go and I am left satisfied when if I hadn't pushed, I would have gotten no action. Also the time of day could have an impact, when you're ready is it late at night when he's already exhausted? Maybe try another time. I see a lot of replies on threads here pushing "break up!" on every topic.
Robratory Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I sent him a text bringing up the topic and even questioned his libido level. Of course he says there is nothing wrong with it but it's not ok to bring up this topic before bed and by text, then said Goodnight. Now here is the part I say I just became a deperate fool - I asked him for reassurance. His response? "Yes you're a great girlfriend, yes i'm attracted to you and no I do not have complaints." The issue isn't that he's not initiating sex. The issue is that you've brought this up, and instead of telling you what's up, something he should have done anyway without you asking, he pretends it's perfectly normal for a couple under the age of 30 to have sex only once a month. The thing is, that is crazy-making! You start doubting yourself and wondering if maybe it is normal for a man who works long hours not to want to have sex. It's not! Don't put up with crap like that! Just don't. Practice direct, honest communication and demand nothing less in return. Send this uncommunicative man-child packing and find a man who can express himself and who doesn't pretend there is no problem when there is a problem. 2
Robratory Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I know no relationship is easy.... I know, but relationships are not supposed to be hard this way. Most of the challenges of maintaining a relationship involve the endless negotiating two people must do to live together. But this is not negotiating! He's not acting in good faith here. Bad faith has no room in a relationship.
basil67 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 okay, if I decide to stick this out once again, regardless of how frustrated i feel:(, I know no relationship is easy.... what is my game plan? move away from this topic and act like everything is fine? focus on myself? (I already go to the gym 5 times a week and I am a graduate student) not initiate? (I haven't been initiating at all since the last time)... If you decide to stay, your only option is to accept that your life with him will not involve sex. I have no idea how to make this idea palatable.
Robratory Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I think the texting came from being desperate - I've questioned my self-respect at this point, am I settling? Am I being too needy? I just want the basic benefits of a relationship. He hates holding hands, fine, okay you hate it so I won't force it, but wow a compliment every now and then, and touch me a little, make me feel like i'm a woman and i'm the only one. How can I make a stubborn man who is stuck in his ways and has barely any experience with women (as an adult, because he was supposedly very involved with girls in high school)? How can I break this down for him? He hates holding hands? He never compliments you? Why are you even with this man? Look at how he has harmed you!
ExpatInItaly Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Honestly though, what kind of a woman would want to live like that??? I told him I'm sure there are women but good luck - what I want to try and get through to him is that I have been so patient with this. I am not crazy. This is something that is needed. What else can I tell him??? He has even told me "you and your google searches" because yes- I have googled the topic and done research. What did he want you to google, exactly? I think you're just not sexually compatible. He's happy with this frequency. You're not. It's only been six months and you have had to talk about this a few times. Just as you can't fathom his position on this, he can't fathom yours. It's not something that can be forced out of someone. Sorry, I wouldn't invest in this anymore. It's not just about sex. It's about you trying to accommodate his needs while he doesn't appear to making any effort to accommodate yours. 1
Author bluefairy812 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 He hates holding hands? He never compliments you? Why are you even with this man? Look at how he has harmed you! Do you really think this is harm? From what he tells me, he has never liked holding hands with anyone. Sure, I am putting aside my needs/wants to not cause a fight but yes it sucks. I am with him because he's a great guy - he makes me laugh, he's intelligent, he's responsible, etc. It's just this one area that lacks. Unfortunately, it has affected me more than I thought it would. In the past he has said he is "working" on being more affectionate. I want to ask him WHAT THE HELL are you working on exactly??? He has told me all I want is this prince charming and that he is not that. No, I don't want a prince charming, I want someone who can meet me half way. And yes, sometimes I do feel like he's just a friend basically. It's a crappy situation because I have invested half of a year with him (officially)...
mortensorchid Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Once again, another bad sign. If he (especially if it's the man) doesn't want to have sex, it's a bad sign that he is not as interested in you at all. Men WANT to have sex, that's how they are wired. If the woman is saying she doesn't want to, she may have other things on her mind (work related, personal, etc.). If the man doesn't want to have sex, that means he's not interested in the woman before him. Facts are facts here. I hope you resolve it, if not this could be the end for you. 2
Author bluefairy812 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 (edited) What did he want you to google, exactly? I think you're just not sexually compatible. He's happy with this frequency. You're not. It's only been six months and you have had to talk about this a few times. Just as you can't fathom his position on this, he can't fathom yours. It's not something that can be forced out of someone. Sorry, I wouldn't invest in this anymore. It's not just about sex. It's about you trying to accommodate his needs while he doesn't appear to making any effort to accommodate yours. I told him I searched how men not wanting to have sex is not normal.. and he took it like I was being very silly doing that. I feel like giving up is a crappy option, I basically gave him an ultimatum last time and said "this is why people cheat" and "if something doesn't change this isn't going to work" and he said he didn't do well with that... that i shouldn't think that way of taking the road to breaking up... but again, maybe he isn't cut out to be a boyfriend. he is selfish in some ways still - he is super focused on his career - that is the one thing he puts 100% in. if he could do that with our sex life, then damn i'd be happy, but no... It almost feels like i've had to teach him... he went through a long period of time without reaching me all day at work (before we were official) and i got fed up and blew up.. he realized his mistake and changed it.. he's been a work in process with me trying to show him the ropes in a relationship but my god he is stuck in his ways. I guess this is what happens when you're not only difficult as a person but single for so many years... the selfish tendencies develop. just sucks - because besides this, he's a good, honest, hardworking person who I actually admire. but wow, this part he can't get right. Edited February 1, 2016 by bluefairy812
SwordofFlame Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 This sounds like the typical example of a woman trying to change a man. Men can't be changed. Unless we want to change ourselves. 1
Author bluefairy812 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 This sounds like the typical example of a woman trying to change a man. Men can't be changed. I completely agree with you... I'm just struggling with trying to understand why there is no sex involved when he tells me all is well...and I have had this talk time and time again...
Robratory Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I completely agree with you... I'm just struggling with trying to understand why there is no sex involved when he tells me all is well...and I have had this talk time and time again... But why do you need to understand why? The only people who should be curious about that are him (and he doesn't seem to be) and sex researchers. And yes, his attitude has harmed you. Look at the emotional turmoil you're in. If he laid things out for you honestly and clearly, you wouldn't be in the state you're in. But the no-sex part is just one aspect. He further doesn't seem to respect you very much. He certainly isn't taking your concerns very seriously. 2
turnera Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Do you really think this is harm? From what he tells me, he has never liked holding hands with anyone. Sure, I am putting aside my needs/wants to not cause a fight but yes it sucks. I am with him because he's a great guy - he makes me laugh, he's intelligent, he's responsible, etc. It's just this one area that lacks. Unfortunately, it has affected me more than I thought it would. That's because you are either his best friend or his beard. NOT his lover. You are simply incompatible. And I gotta say it - SIX months in and you're already giving up YOUR needs? WHY? Dating is for trying people on. The truth is, he makes a great best friend. Not a great husband. Husbands should be MORE. Time to move on.
Lorenza Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 "You and your google searches". This phrase tells me everything I need to know about how much your suffering concerns him. What a way to care about something that causes your partner so much inner turmoil. Next!
ExpatInItaly Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 (edited) I told him I searched how men not wanting to have sex is not normal.. and he took it like I was being very silly doing that. I feel like giving up is a crappy option, I basically gave him an ultimatum last time and said "this is why people cheat" and "if something doesn't change this isn't going to work" and he said he didn't do well with that... that i shouldn't think that way of taking the road to breaking up... but again, maybe he isn't cut out to be a boyfriend. he is selfish in some ways still - he is super focused on his career - that is the one thing he puts 100% in. if he could do that with our sex life, then damn i'd be happy, but no... It almost feels like i've had to teach him... he went through a long period of time without reaching me all day at work (before we were official) and i got fed up and blew up.. he realized his mistake and changed it.. he's been a work in process with me trying to show him the ropes in a relationship but my god he is stuck in his ways. I guess this is what happens when you're not only difficult as a person but single for so many years... the selfish tendencies develop. just sucks - because besides this, he's a good, honest, hardworking person who I actually admire. but wow, this part he can't get right. A man who wants to have sex, will. He doesn't want to, for some reason. He can't force or fake sexual desire when it's just not there. You can't teach him to have more desire. This isn't about showing him the ropes. He doesn't want to have sex with you very much, and it doesn't appear he is interested in changing that. Perhaps he has some type of sexual dysfunction. Maybe he is one of those people who's just not sexual. Maybe he's not all that into women. Maybe he's getting it somewhere else. But the bottom line is the same - there's little sexual satisfaction in your relationship with him. And you're the only one trying to make that work. I would seriously reconsider this relationship. At the moment, it sounds more like a friendship, to be honest. Do you want a friend or a boyfriend? Edited February 1, 2016 by ExpatInItaly
neowulf Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 you're definitely right... but this makes me want to cry. I lost a 2 year relationship with a wonderful woman over the same thing. I know it's hard and very sad, but you're only going to make it hurt worse by trying to push on. Sometimes things just don't work. Let it go because the resentment and anger destroy the positive memories you've already built together.
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