bluefairy812 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 (edited) Hello Love Shack. I have reached a point of feeling like a desperate fool. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months... Before we got together officially 6 months ago, we had always liked each other for 2 years... but it was the wrong time to get together. So we were friends with benefits for a while. Any way, 6 months together and we barely have sex. It happens once of month, if that. I've brought the topic up so many times already i feel like i'm nagging. The last 3 times we've had sex I have initiated. Today I realized it is January 31st and we had no sex at all this month..... just one time of foreplay.. I sent him a text bringing up the topic and even questioned his libido level. Of course he says there is nothing wrong with it but it's not ok to bring up this topic before bed and by text, then said Goodnight. Now here is the part I say I just became a deperate fool - I asked him for reassurance. His response? "Yes you're a great girlfriend, yes i'm attracted to you and no I do not have complaints." Here is the thing - he hasn't had many relationships. I'm his first girlfriend in about 5-6 years, as opposed to me that i've been in quite a few long term relationships. He has told me he doesn't see sex as a big deal, it's like he doesn't understand that it affects me as a woman! because yes, it has affected my self-esteem. I have never been with a man who doesn't want me all the time. I have always been the one to not be as sexual. I find myself watching porn or reminiscing on my last relationship.... where we were both very sexually connected...he never compliments me either.. and isn't affectionate... he has told me things like "but you always look nice, you know you do". I think I am hit on/receive more compliments by outside men than I have with him. We have even gone as far as discussing our love languages - I am a physical touch and words of affirmation and he is acts of service and quality time. Other than this, we have a very good relationship. I'm 29 and he is 28, so age is not a factor with sex.. he does work long grueling hours. We only see each other on weekends as well. I'm scared this is not going to work out and I don't want to begin feeling that way... how can I continue bringing this up if nothing has changed? I don't know what to do... We are planning on moving in together this summer. I don't want to feel like i'm settling, I love him, but this lack of intimacy really sucks. I shouldn't have to beg or ask my own boyfriend for sex. It shouldn't feel like a job, it should be enjoyable. Again, I don't want to end this and he has told me I always assume the worst, but I can't help but think of the worst right now. Edited February 1, 2016 by bluefairy812
truth_seeker Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 He sleeping with someone else? You two sound like an old married couple...
Author bluefairy812 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 He sleeping with someone else? You two sound like an old married couple... no, he definitely isn't cheating.. but I agree, this sex issue is what you see after many years not 6 months.
xcupid Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 He's not cheating according to you. Presumably he hasn't got any physical or emotional problems. Is he too tired to have sex? What was the sex like before when you were FWB and what has changed since then? What does he think about living together? Is he for it or did he have to be persuaded to agree to it? Moving in together wouldn't solve this problem.
Author bluefairy812 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 He's not cheating according to you. Presumably he hasn't got any physical or emotional problems. Is he too tired to have sex? What was the sex like before when you were FWB and what has changed since then? What does he think about living together? Is he for it or did he have to be persuaded to agree to it? Moving in together wouldn't solve this problem. he never really has an answer for this, most of the time he is exhausted and I understand up to a certain extent, but it's not an excuse... i'm used to men opening up to me and he really hasn't - he's the type to not talk about his feelings much. before when we were FWB it happened more than once a month but it wasn't constantly sex if that makes sense. I know moving in together wouldn't change this problem and I have realized people do not change - but I keep trying to explain to him that relationships are about compromise. It's about nurturing... the beginning of a relationship (correct me if i'm wrong) it's crucial to make it grow, to plant the right seeds, because it is what will help it grow. Like I said, I can't complain about certain things. He's a great provider, he respects me, he makes me laugh, he's responsible and he always makes sure I'm good. He takes care of me. But with this specific part of the relationship, Idk what it is that he doesn't focus too much on it. Maybe we don't click sexually? I don't know...
basil67 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 If your sex life is dead at only 6 months in, it's not going to change. And it's not going to change because he doesn't see a problem. I'd have a different response if he was seeing a doctor to discuss possible causes for his low libido. But he's not. So I can't give you any hope of change. Frankly, if it's this low at 6 months, it will be non-existent at 3 years. Either accept a sexless life or move on. 1
Author bluefairy812 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 If your sex life is dead at only 6 months in, it's not going to change. And it's not going to change because he doesn't see a problem. I'd have a different response if he was seeing a doctor to discuss possible causes for his low libido. But he's not. So I can't give you any hope of change. Frankly, if it's this low at 6 months, it will be non-existent at 3 years. Either accept a sexless life or move on. he says it's not his libido... it's easier said than done to just drop someone and move on
Scarlett.O'hara Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Maybe we don't click sexually? Bingo! Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it because he refuses to take your concerns seriously. He may be a good man, but I suspect that over time it will eat away at your confidence and you will end up resentful. For that reason I would strongly advise you to reconsider moving in with him in the near future, and think very carefully about whether this relationship can make you happy long term. If he is unwilling to talk things out and be completely open and honest with you, he may not be a good match after all. 1
Terry8889 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Is the lack of frequent sex a deal breaker for you? Would you put up living with a partner who doesn't give what you want? If the answer is no then you're wasting your time with the wrong person. Most guys are very sexual some others aren't and unfortunately for you he is one of those. If you already talked to him about the issue and nothing has changed then Idk what you're expecting at this point. You have 2 choices stay with him and suck it up or leave and find someone more active in bed.
Author bluefairy812 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 Bingo! Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it because he refuses to take your concerns seriously. He may be a good man, but I suspect that over time it will eat away at your confidence and you will end up resentful. For that reason I would strongly advise you to reconsider moving in with him in the near future, and think very carefully about whether this relationship can make you happy long term. If he is unwilling to talk things out and be completely open and honest with you, he may not be a good match after all. you're definitely right... but this makes me want to cry.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I'm sorry, I know it must be painful to think about, but you have to do what is right for you. There is only so much you can do in this situation. If he won't meet you halfway, he is backing you into a corner and forcing you to make a tough choice. You don't have to make a decision straight away, just think it over carefully, and don't commit yourself him more until you decide what will make you happiest in the long run.
SpiralOut Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 (edited) Do not move in with him. If you want to keep trying to make it work, go for it, but don't move in together. That won't fix the problem. It is troubling that he does not see this as a problem. I would stop bringing it up with him. Talking about it won't make him care more. There is no guarantee that anything you do will make him care more, but right now he is tuning you out, so it might be best for you to drop the subject. I say this because in my experience, men respond to actions more than they do to words. Start taking care of yourself and stop asking him for sex. Wait for him to initiate. This is for your own self-respect, not to punish him or anything like that. Next time he mentions moving in together you may also want to tell him you don't think it's a good idea anymore. Because really, it's not. Let him think about that. Best case scenario, he will eventually notice how unhappy you are and decide to start making an effort. Worse case scenario....well.... he just won't care and you will have to choose between a sexless relationship or breaking up. Edited February 1, 2016 by SpiralOut
basil67 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 he says it's not his libido... it's easier said than done to just drop someone and move on A person who has a healthy libido wants sex. So if his libido is fine, then he's getting his releases elsewhere. Either with another person or he's whacking off to porn all the time. If it's not the above, then it IS his libido. And there are SO MANY causes which he could work through with a doctor if he wanted to. All sorts of things like health issues, meds and hormones. Yes, it is easier said than done to drop someone. But are you prepared to give up a sex life for someone who refuses to do anything about the problem? 1
Qboro90 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 No matter how much you talk to him, or what you say... Do you really want to have to convince or explain to the person you're with why they should be sleeping with you and being more physically attracted/complimentative towards you? Personally, i would never be able to get past that. I want that spark to be there from the start.. It's one thing if you guys were married and/or a couple that's been together for 10-20 years and your sex life has declined or fallen into a routine that's dull... You are 6 months in! You should be all over each other in the honeymoon stage right now still. If you want to give it one more shot then you should talk to him either after the next time you have sex is, or before you're both getting ready for bed. Tell him that you know he doesn't like having to discuss this, but make sure he realizes that you hate it a million times more. Convincing your BF to be more intimate and attracted to you is not what you want to be discussing on a Thursday night after 6 months. But you've reached a point where you need to see something significant on his part otherwise you cannot continue with the decision to move in together this summer. Don't raise your voice. Or blame Him. Address it in a way so he knows you want your relationship to work and last and be fulfilling on every level. But this is a major level of the relationship in which you're not fulfilling and I want us to communicate and try to address it in a healthy way. Maybe tell him that a random compliment that's given to you would be a great way to ensure a blow job is waiting for him once he gets home.
candie13 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Address it. Do not shove it under the rug, it won't magically get better. You need sex, bonding. Words can only get you so far. Texting is passive agressive. Have a face to face conversation, open up, ask questions in a calm & non judgment am way and make him talk. You Will understand the situation better after making him open up. He is your partner, you should have this conversation with him, not us. Personally, sex once per month is a deal breaker to me. I am honest, i have needs and that's very very basic. I want to build strong, meaningful connections, not cling onto a dude because he's my bf. Go for quality and depth and let him talk. You'll know what the situation is after He opens up. Cheers
ExpatInItaly Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 There's definitely more to it than just being tired. If you were more sexually active before you were in a relationship, and you've only been together 6 months, there's a big problem here. The fact that he's telling you he has no complaints tells me it's not going to get better. He's fine with the way things are. Personally, I would not be fine with sex once a month, if that. I want a boyfriend, not a friend to hang out with. OP, I would sit him down for a talk. Do not have this conversation over text. Explain, in person, how this makes you feel. You already know how he feels. If nothing improves, I'd say you're not meant to be in a relationship together. 1
Lorenza Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Ask yourself clearly - do you want a sexless relationship? Can you live with no affection, no compliments, no intimacy? Won't you look at other couples envying them and constantly thinking what's wrong with you for not being able to have what they have? Are you ready to continue watching porn wishing your man did all those things to you knowing he won't? Your boyfriend's sexual appetite won't magically increase over a night. If he is not cheating, he might need therapy but with the level of responsiveness he's giving I can't see that happening - he seems to be too embarassed to even talk about it and I asure you he will keep avoiding the topic cause it makes him feel like a loser too. I had a relationship like that with my very first boyfriend. We did move in together, but of course, nothing changed. In my case I had some mental problems that pushed him away, but his sex drive didn't come back when I got well. This was the time I questioned if I'm even attractive, felt unloved (though he did give me affection in other ways, like hugs), watched porn excessively, was registered on several dating sites just to open and read their messages - without responding, just to feel manly attention. I also nagged him and he also avoided talking about the lack of sex, feeling really bad and libido sinking even lower. Our relationship faded and it pushed me into hands of a very first man who reeked of sexual power and manliness, but treated me wrong. So 3 sexless years damaged my confidence quite a bit. Now I'm with someone who gets sexually excited by just giving one look at my naked body and tells me 100 times how sexy and beautiful he thinks it is. My libido isn't skyhigh, but it makes me happy to know that he wants me all the time. I know that every girl wants this, admits she or not. I know that you, OP, want it, so please don't waste your precious time, you're still a young woman and sex is still pretty important in your 30's! Sex once a month + no affection doen't satisfy you and it won't! Don't settle for constant unhappiness with this guy, who definitely got some issue and doesn't seem to want to resolve it. It hurts now, but then you'll find a guy who wont be able to get his hand away from and you'll forget this veeery quickly. You're just attached, real love doesnt build on lack of passion and desire, and, most important - lack of basic affection to each other. 1
Erik30 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Maybe he's asexual? I don't know a lot about that, but an inexperienced guy who finally gets a girlfriend would probably want to have sex all the time.
Redhead14 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Texting about this kind of thing is completely inappropriate no matter what. It doesn't give the subject matter not the person you're dealing with the level of respect it deserves. And, you need to think about your approach in the past as well. If you are harping, accusing, etc., he isn't going to want to do it for you because he's being criticized. Since you've addressed this a number of times, try one more time. Simply sit down with him and explain to him what it is you need from him, what you want in a calm, clear, non-confrontational way and then give him a reasonable amount of time to demonstrate whether or not he is going to make the attempt to meet your needs and stick with it. If he doesn't want to accommodate your needs after this time has passed (a couple of months maybe), then you tell him you're moving on. Don't make this an ultimatum. Just keep your timeline in your head and observe. Set a limit for yourself. "Name, I love you and respect our relationship. I am attracted to you sexually and I need to feel that from you as well. It's important to me to have that closeness. I understand you are often tired and I am willing to work with you if you will work with me. If there is anything I can do to help you do that, please let me know." 1
stillafool Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Were you aware of his low sex drive before you got in a relationship with him? If so, why did you get involved?
Author bluefairy812 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 Were you aware of his low sex drive before you got in a relationship with him? If so, why did you get involved? we were FWB so it didn't happen quite frequently - but it happened enough that I was satisfied. I don't ask for much, even if I have sex once a week i'll be happy - I have never been one to constantly have sex that's why it baffles me. I also think I am reaching the age of sexual peak, since I turn 30 this year...
Author bluefairy812 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 Texting about this kind of thing is completely inappropriate no matter what. It doesn't give the subject matter not the person you're dealing with the level of respect it deserves. And, you need to think about your approach in the past as well. If you are harping, accusing, etc., he isn't going to want to do it for you because he's being criticized. Since you've addressed this a number of times, try one more time. Simply sit down with him and explain to him what it is you need from him, what you want in a calm, clear, non-confrontational way and then give him a reasonable amount of time to demonstrate whether or not he is going to make the attempt to meet your needs and stick with it. If he doesn't want to accommodate your needs after this time has passed (a couple of months maybe), then you tell him you're moving on. Don't make this an ultimatum. Just keep your timeline in your head and observe. Set a limit for yourself. "Name, I love you and respect our relationship. I am attracted to you sexually and I need to feel that from you as well. It's important to me to have that closeness. I understand you are often tired and I am willing to work with you if you will work with me. If there is anything I can do to help you do that, please let me know." Thank you very much for your advice. I will try again... but damn. I think the texting came from being desperate - I've questioned my self-respect at this point, am I settling? Am I being too needy? I just want the basic benefits of a relationship. He hates holding hands, fine, okay you hate it so I won't force it, but wow a compliment every now and then, and touch me a little, make me feel like i'm a woman and i'm the only one. I have talked about this topic with him already about 3-4 times already in the last 6 months. both text and in person. his last response in person was "yes I get it - I don't have an answer as to why we haven't done it, we just haven't - it's a mix of i'm tired and also bc you weren't on the pill" those were his words in mid-December. I did give him an ultimatum by text and he told me he doesn't do well with that, and also not to "plant the seed" of breaking up in my head because it will just grow bigger and bigger. I got on the pill 3 weeks ago. still nothing. How can I make a stubborn man who is stuck in his ways and has barely any experience with women (as an adult, because he was supposedly very involved with girls in high school)? How can I break this down for him? I know they say some men are oblivious to what women want but I feel like I've tried. If this truly was an issue I think one time of talking about it should address it. Am I wrong to feel like my self-esteem has suffered? It's like now I understand why people cheat - it is NOT right but i see how people can go looking for that missing piece. I don't know how to talk about this calmly without looking needy, desperate, want to cry or yell. I'm sure to him I'm being a drama queen.
Author bluefairy812 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 Maybe he's asexual? I don't know a lot about that, but an inexperienced guy who finally gets a girlfriend would probably want to have sex all the time. Def not that. I've seen him on social media flirting and liking photos of women (when we weren't together) and to this day I will see every now and then a pic of a model or woman in a bikini or half naked. #annoying but whatever.
Author bluefairy812 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 Ask yourself clearly - do you want a sexless relationship? Can you live with no affection, no compliments, no intimacy? Won't you look at other couples envying them and constantly thinking what's wrong with you for not being able to have what they have? Are you ready to continue watching porn wishing your man did all those things to you knowing he won't? Your boyfriend's sexual appetite won't magically increase over a night. If he is not cheating, he might need therapy but with the level of responsiveness he's giving I can't see that happening - he seems to be too embarassed to even talk about it and I asure you he will keep avoiding the topic cause it makes him feel like a loser too. I had a relationship like that with my very first boyfriend. We did move in together, but of course, nothing changed. In my case I had some mental problems that pushed him away, but his sex drive didn't come back when I got well. This was the time I questioned if I'm even attractive, felt unloved (though he did give me affection in other ways, like hugs), watched porn excessively, was registered on several dating sites just to open and read their messages - without responding, just to feel manly attention. I also nagged him and he also avoided talking about the lack of sex, feeling really bad and libido sinking even lower. Our relationship faded and it pushed me into hands of a very first man who reeked of sexual power and manliness, but treated me wrong. So 3 sexless years damaged my confidence quite a bit. Now I'm with someone who gets sexually excited by just giving one look at my naked body and tells me 100 times how sexy and beautiful he thinks it is. My libido isn't skyhigh, but it makes me happy to know that he wants me all the time. I know that every girl wants this, admits she or not. I know that you, OP, want it, so please don't waste your precious time, you're still a young woman and sex is still pretty important in your 30's! Sex once a month + no affection doen't satisfy you and it won't! Don't settle for constant unhappiness with this guy, who definitely got some issue and doesn't seem to want to resolve it. It hurts now, but then you'll find a guy who wont be able to get his hand away from and you'll forget this veeery quickly. You're just attached, real love doesnt build on lack of passion and desire, and, most important - lack of basic affection to each other. That's the thing, I CANNOT live like this. I feel like it's going to get to a point (now... or in the next few days when we talk) that I will say, "unless you want to lose me. you need to change." Mind you, this may not be the greatest or most effective approach, but I feel like I'm at that point.......... I have been in your position before. Where something is lacking which drives you elsewhere. I don't want to do it again. But you're absolutely right, these are building blocks that love needs to grow upon... I just don't know how to approach this anymore.
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