Should you stay with your spouse

[Just a Guy]

Hi folks, people writing on this topic have all more or less reiterated one has to start with having a spark or being 'In love' with your SO otherwise any union will not work out long term. I am sorry but I disagree with that contention. Speaking from experience I have to say that while that may be the common path to marital happiness, two people can come together without really having known each other and over a period of time, learn to love one another. On my own case my wife and I got married after a year of being introduced to each other in a formal manner after which we maintained contact long distance via telephone and letters. Ours was what is commonly known as an arranged marriage which, however came about because of circumstances beyond our control. When we got married it was based on a commitment to love and honour each other before we were actually in love. Well this seems to have worked for us as, although we have had our ups and downs, we have grown in love and respect for each other. I guess as time has gone by we have seen qualities and traits in each other which has only reconfirmed and reinforced our love for each other. We will be married forty years this October so I guess we have got it right somehow.

My point is that one can learn to love one's SO over a period of time. I think we were lucky in that we were naturally compatible and neither of us has very strong egos which need constant stroking. We did not usually step on each other's toes(we did occasionally) and gave each other space to breathe. I think one of the important things we learnt along the way was to compromise on our on our own needs to accommodate the other and this helped us avoid possible minefields in our relationship. Of course one of the most important things is that both of us are unequivocally monogamous.

By the way I applaud Shattered Lady for having gone through the grinder and remaining committed to her marriage. I think a lesser person would have thrown in the towel a long time ago. Her husband is one lucky guy to have her.

[TornInTwoPieces]

So, I just signed up to this,

 

I have a rather large dilemma that I need some opinions on from people who aren't close,

 

I think I've fallen out of love with my partner, We have a daughter who is nearly one year old, I was madly in love with her, the problem I have now is, some days I wake up and I really love her, then another day I can wake up and just want to leave, we argue a fair bit, we both work full time so don't have a lot of time together, obviously a contributing factor, but this alone would not make me feel the way I do,I feel almost suffocated sometimes, I've been feeling like this for around 3-4 months, and the feeling has gotten stronger over this time, It may sound like I think I'm the best she could get when I say this but that's not what I intend, I know me leaving her is going to crush her, like literally change her life, because as we know, She will have the child for the main part. But this means she can't fully commit to her career that she has worked incredibly hard for, and there are so many things playing on my mind about what happens if I do break up with her, I don't want to be the dad my daughter only see's at weekends, I don't want to be the dad that left you know?

[MissBee]

if you don't love them anymore?

 

Would like to get everyone's opinion on this.

 

My first instinct is to ask what it means when someone says they don't love their spouse? They are not in love? They don't have butterflies? They don't care about their well being? What?

 

For me, I wouldn't just get up and decide I don't love someone and then leave. If I married the person, I loved them, besides love as a romantic feeling, I also married them because of other great ways in which we work as a couple. I have loved people I wouldn't marry, so for me to marry you it would be more than just the romantic love feeling, but other forms of compatibility as well. Not everyone is that intentional so could find themselves married to someone they don't know well, but for me, if I go all the way down the aisle it's because of every man I've met and dated you were a suitable fit in many ways and romantic love was part of it. That for me means that I wouldn't just all of a sudden no longer love you, issues aren't random, or spur of the moment. If we're having problems, and they're leading me to fall out of love, I would attempt to address any issues, speak to him about my feelings, and would get marriage counseling. ALL relationships have their issues, so unless it is something fundamentally wrong, or if he's abusing me or things like that, I'd at least try to see if it was salvageable and reconcilable before I just say "I don't love you anymore, see yah!"

 

In short: I don't believe people should stay together if they're not both invested and want that, as it will be very difficult, if not pointless to be dragging along out of obligation. However, I do believe people should make an attempt to work on things before leaving, esp if they did love this person and chose them at one point. If it is something fundamentally flawed, esp abuse, then sure, high tail it out of there, but if you're just not giddily in love or the sex is waning or things like that, I think it is best to at least try to work on the issues and if after you give it a real try it still seems not fixable, then you can cut ties with a clear conscience. The grass isn't always greener and sometimes you need to water yours, but if after all the watering nothing is growing back, then leave.

Edited February 6, 2016 by MissBee

[basil67]

So, I just signed up to this,

 

I have a rather large dilemma that I need some opinions on from people who aren't close,

 

I think I've fallen out of love with my partner, We have a daughter who is nearly one year old, I was madly in love with her, the problem I have now is, some days I wake up and I really love her, then another day I can wake up and just want to leave, we argue a fair bit, we both work full time so don't have a lot of time together, obviously a contributing factor, but this alone would not make me feel the way I do,I feel almost suffocated sometimes, I've been feeling like this for around 3-4 months, and the feeling has gotten stronger over this time, It may sound like I think I'm the best she could get when I say this but that's not what I intend, I know me leaving her is going to crush her, like literally change her life, because as we know, She will have the child for the main part. But this means she can't fully commit to her career that she has worked incredibly hard for, and there are so many things playing on my mind about what happens if I do break up with her, I don't want to be the dad my daughter only see's at weekends, I don't want to be the dad that left you know?

 

The first question to be asked is what have the two of you done to try and fix this?

 

You're fighting too often? What are you fighting about and what is stopping the problems from being solved?

 

As for the hours you're both working - the first question to ask is if a career is more important than family. If you both value your family, how about both of you reducing some hours so that you can have more quality time together?

 

I'd also suggest you make a new thread so that more people will come to you with advice and thoughts

[OneLov]

I think it depends on who you ask. Although IMO the choice boils down to an individual's beliefs, but there has been a shift in the last 50 years in Western culture where the overall consensus would be 'Yes!'

 

Most of us are a part of what Tom Wolfe referred to as the "Me" generation. if you ask people from previous generations you would probably get a resounding 'No.' The culture of "me" has been brought into most people's idea of what they should expect out of a LTC or marriage. This has contributed significantly to the rise in divorces since 1970.

 

So I guess my answer is it depends on personal philosophy. If you believe that unwavering sacrifice is important even if it is personally causing you great distress -- No. If you believe your personal happiness is paramount -- Yes.

 

I think Gordon Gekko exemplifies why many people would believe in the latter. After all, the 1980's is known as the "Decade of Greed." It's not wrong or right it's just your personal beliefs IMO.

 

"seems to be the survival of the unfittest. Well, in my book, you either do it right or you get eliminated... I am not a destroyer of companies, I am a liberator of them! The point is, ladies and gentlemen, that greed—for lack of a better word—is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all its forms—greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge—has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed—you mark my words—will not only save [this company], but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA!" - Gordon Gekko

[Satu]

From my journal:

 

 

"Falling in love seems much, but is little.

 

The slow discipline of love seems little, but is much."

Edited February 6, 2016 by Satu

[bachdude]

If by falling out of love you mean losing the early, "in love", romantic phase of a relationship, then leaving will become a pattern.

[Just a Guy]

Somebody else said that 'Greed is good' and acted on it. I believe he was the creator of junk bonds. Well he ended up in jail. The Greed is good philosophy is what led the USA into the war in Iraq ( There were no weapons of mass destruction, only oil and the Vice President at the time, Dick Cheney was, or had been, a Boss at a large oil prospecting company. Where did Greed get him or the USA? The only thing that has happened in the interim is that the threat of global terrorism has increased manifold and a number of people including americans, have been killed World Wide because of terrorism. So I guess Greed applied to personal relationships will have much the same result.

I personally think that a large number of relationships which hit the rocks do so because people rush into them for the wrong reasons. A lot of people marry because they fell ' In Lust' rather than 'In Love'. Once the high of Lust wears off the relationship gets beached. People do not do enough ' Due diligence' as they would when buying a car or a house or other material possession. I think a lot of young people believe that their Lust/ Love is so strong that it will carry them safely across the Ocean of Life. However, when the winds drop( intensity of lust/ love dies down) they are left stranded in the middle of the ocean because they forgot to cater for oars! That's when they bail. Fact is marriage is an organic entity and needs constant nurturing and sustenance. If the people in a marriage stop providing the nutrients and oxygen needed to keep it going it will wither away like any other organism. Something like a Hot air balloon which needs constant injections of hot air to keep it afloat. I guess one has to be mentally prepared for the long haul in a marriage. It is an adventure. It requires enthusiasm to keep going. If you dont have the guts for it dont venture into it! Again just a few thoughts.

Edited February 8, 2016 by Just a Guy