Ex Girlfriend called to ask if everything was ok, and more...

[DoritoLover]

Hi again guys

 

This is just a quick one really, but I do need a bit of advice here.

 

My Ex-Girlfriend called me again tonight, she contacts me at least every other day. For those of you who haven't read my other threads - we were together for 6 years and split up in December 2015...

 

She told me about her day, asked me what I'd been up to, I told her I'd been to dinner with some friends... all of a sudden her toned changed and she asked worriedly ''who have you been to dinner with?'' Again, I said just some friends and name dropped someone we used to know mutually as well as some new people I've met socially.

 

She seemed very concerned as to who I'd been to dinner with, then she said ''is everything ok?'' I said ''in what way?'' Then she continued asking if we could be friends... I said I needed to talk to her face to face and invited her for coffee later this week... she agreed and we set a day and time at a local coffee shop.

 

She then said, ''is this because you're going to tell me we can't be friends and I have to cry in public?'' I said I think it's just better if we meet somewhere quiet and neutral, she agreed.

 

My question is, why did she seem worriedly concerned about who I'd been to dinner with when she herself has been on a few dates since we broke up, also I think she already knows that I can't be friends with her, so why does she keep asking the question and keep in contact with me (daily texts, numerous phone calls, some of which I don't answer because the conversation always head towards me being ok with being friends)

 

Any advice on weather I should go for the coffee or just call her back tomorrow and say something's come up then go back into no contact (well as no contact as possible, we've had to stay in touch because of a financial matter)....

 

 

Thanks!

[lauri]

This is such cookie cutter ex girlfriend behaviour. You clearly have not been in no contact if you're answering her phone calls and letting her suck you into this.

 

From my understanding, she is looking to constantly contact you to get one thing - your friendship. Friendship and friendship only. My gut tells me you're not willing to be her friend. No man would want to be friends with someone they love.

 

Friendship does not mean anything but friendship. Friendship means no sex, no kisses and no romantic interactions. Friendship means making her feel better while she dates other men but keeps you around as a plan B or C. Friendship also means helping reduce her guilt she feels about hurting you.

 

To top it off, as soon as she has finally gotten over her guilt and accepts that you are "okay" with the breakup (this occurs when you become her "friend"), she will cut you off and you will be left licking your wounds again. This normally occurs once she finds a new man.

 

You accept her friendship, this is what you get.

 

My advice would be to not even see her. Call her and tell her you wish her the best but you're not interested in talking to her anymore. Tell her in the future when you move on, maybe you two could be friends.

 

She won't react well to this but it's what is best for you. Trust me on this.

[DrMario]

Grin and bare with your situation for a while and see where it goes, go no contact if you want to heal up and move on from her, the choice is yours, I know I would rather be in your shoes right now, I prefer to keep the lines of communication open, that's not to say you should chase her around, but I wouldn't reject the contact if it comes from her side.

[Paradigm]

She just can't deal with the fact that you might be moving on. She doesn't want you to stop being hurt over her because that makes her feel special and loved. It's clear she is assuming that you're interested in new girls.

 

She can't control you or your feelings. If you become her "friend" it means she can still get her way, once she gets that satisfaction she will probably hurt you again. The only reason she want it so much is probably because you don't want it.

[Wewon]

In scenarios like this, the only way that I've seen them go down, the friendship is always lop-sided and self-serving.

 

The only reason she's concerned with who you are going to dinner with is because she knows that will hamper the type of friendship that she wants if you have real romantic prospects. Most girlfriends would not be too receptive to their boyfriends being someone elses shoulder to cry on.

[DoritoLover]

I just spoke to her for 10 minutes on the phone and told her that I can't be friends right now, that I need some space and time to myself.

 

She said she keeps wanting to call me when she has good news, or for example one of her friends is working on a project where I work this week. Or she thinks about me when she's had a bad day, clearly meaning she's still missing that part of our relationship.

 

I said that I can't be there like that anymore, I left the conversation wishing her the best.

 

Now I feel upset all over again and want to call her back to say let's try and be friends.

 

Help!

[RandomTraveller]

Hi again guys

 

This is just a quick one really, but I do need a bit of advice here.

 

My Ex-Girlfriend called me again tonight, she contacts me at least every other day. For those of you who haven't read my other threads - we were together for 6 years and split up in December 2015...

 

She told me about her day, asked me what I'd been up to, I told her I'd been to dinner with some friends... all of a sudden her toned changed and she asked worriedly ''who have you been to dinner with?'' Again, I said just some friends and name dropped someone we used to know mutually as well as some new people I've met socially.

 

She seemed very concerned as to who I'd been to dinner with, then she said ''is everything ok?'' I said ''in what way?'' Then she continued asking if we could be friends... I said I needed to talk to her face to face and invited her for coffee later this week... she agreed and we set a day and time at a local coffee shop.

 

She then said, ''is this because you're going to tell me we can't be friends and I have to cry in public?'' I said I think it's just better if we meet somewhere quiet and neutral, she agreed.

 

My question is, why did she seem worriedly concerned about who I'd been to dinner with when she herself has been on a few dates since we broke up, also I think she already knows that I can't be friends with her, so why does she keep asking the question and keep in contact with me (daily texts, numerous phone calls, some of which I don't answer because the conversation always head towards me being ok with being friends)

 

Any advice on weather I should go for the coffee or just call her back tomorrow and say something's come up then go back into no contact (well as no contact as possible, we've had to stay in touch because of a financial matter)....

 

 

Thanks!

 

I read your first post man, and basically back in december it looks like she stubbed you.

Is not clear if you were the dumper or if you both agree to broke up.

 

Anyway I don't think I can say much since I'm no expert on relationships at all... just my 2 cents:

 

I believe that, no matter 6 years or more, you both need time apart if you want to hope to be in a solid friendship in future.

 

She can't require you to be friend with her absolutely right now. She is the one who hurt you and she can't make requests. Especially a heartbreaking one like this...

 

Are you ready to see her hitting on other guys?

Are you ready to hearing her about who is dating and all her complains and stories about it?

Are you ready to endure her flaws, now that love and sex are not anymore in the picture? Maybe before this, love and sex were able to put the balance towards positivity in your bond

 

It's kind humiliating staying friends right now right after break up (imo!). And painful.

 

In my specific case, together with my psychologist, I decided to not contact my ex for at least 6 months. Absolutely zero contact. At least this amount of time. Maybe more if in 6 months I'm still in this emotional state.

Cause I'm sure I don't want her back as a lover and I'm sure that right now it's impossible to just stay friends. Damn even writing about it makes my stomach turn upside down cause I hate her stupid behavior and she was so dumb... I say these things even if I still miss her a lot and think about her all day long.

 

But I'm thinking also to finally focus on myself and improve my life without ignoring my dating life.. cause honestly I want to know new people.

 

But I dunno that's my case. Our stories are different a lot. Maybe you two guys left each other without a horrible break up. And somehow she respected you besides that specific episode. And maybe you 2 want to try your relationship again?

 

It will be up to you... maybe doing the inventory of the relationship could help you in taking your decision

[ChickiePops]

Don't let her guilt you. You definitely need to tell her that you cannot be friends. If she wants to try again and not cheat, that's different. But friends is a terrible idea.

[Qboro90]

First of all who broke up with who? Was she the one who ended the relationship or was it you? Did she cheat ? You said she's been out with a few dates already.. You broke up in December so it sounds like she had options immediately.

 

I completely disagree with the replies who are telling you she wants to have you as a friend going forward.

 

This girl is clearly trying to toy with you and have you tell her that you miss her the ways she says she misses you and think about her when you have good news because you just wanna tell her! Ugh what a load of bs.

 

How do I know? When you told her you went out to dinner with friends... She absolutely needed to know who you went out with because she was scared you went on a date. That what the entire point of her asking about it.

 

If she broke up with you, then you are basically being a doormat by continuing to contact her and let her contact you at all. Let alone daily and this in depth. If you talk nearly every day... Then you are still her boyfriend, you're just not getting any of the perks anymore. She's going on dates with other guys, hooking up most likely, maybe having sex as well.. Then she can just text or call you, knowing you'll pick up or text back and discuss the bff details of her life that she cares about.

 

When you told her you went out with friends... Did she ask you if you had a good time with them? If the place you went to was fun? Or did she only ask a it who you were with until she was confident that there wasn't another girl there so she can feel better about herself knowing you still haven't moved on and are there when she needs you.

 

If this girl broke your heart or she ended things, the best thing you can do is mind**** the **** outta her until she crawls back to you.

 

Next time she calls or texts saying "what's up" or "what r u doing?" Or anything .

Reply with :

"Hey sorry, I'm kinda busy tn.. about to head out to dinner.. Text/hit me up tomorrow "

 

"Can we stay friends please? And can j call you tomorrow?"

 

- How many ex boyfriends do you still hang out with as pals? No you can't call me. We can't be friends right now. That's common sense. Needs to be a solid

 

Something to the degree of "Who did you go out with last night?"

"We didn't use names, I just called her "Rebound #1" ... That'll do the trick lol.

 

Would really bell knowing if she was the one who ended it or you.

[DoritoLover]

I found out she had been texting another guy who she was working with and had told her friend she had a huge crush on the guy. I asked her about it, she denied it so I told her i was out.

[Qboro90]

I found out she had been texting another guy who she was working with and had told her friend she had a huge crush on the guy. I asked her about it, she denied it so I told her i was out.

 

Has she gone out with that guy she had a crush on in the time you've been broken up? And do you know for sure that she's gone on dates with other guys since the break up? Have you gone on any dates yet or slept with anyone?

 

If you haven't gone out with or slept with any other women since the breakup then j really can't understand why you are letting this girl treat you like a doormat and not face any consequences for betraying you and your relationship.

 

You broke up with her because she was texting and interested in another guy who she worked with.... And she loved you so much that she let you walk away... Then went out on some dates with 1 or a bunch of guys, meanwhile she's still been able to talk to you and get you on the phone or not let you stray too far away while she has her fun and plays without anything being done as a consequence?

 

Dude wow... Have some more respect for yourself and have higher standards for goodness sake. I can't believe you're even letting her ask you who you're going out with after she's been doing whatever she wants. You need to delete or block her number ASAP and really be conscious of how disrespectful she's been treating you and if that's what you're willing to wait around for until she's played around enough and decides she wants the BF back which you come running

[ExtraSpice]

Very typical behavior. I have noticed that almost always after a breakup one party wants to try to be friends while the other doesn't. Or both want to try but really it is not possible.

 

You can't switch from gf/bf to friends like that. I met an ex of mine after 3 years, and I can tell you even then I was not able to be friends with her. Feelings resurface and it is difficult because the only way you know how to interact with them is as a bf/gf.

 

She wants friendship as a way to feel better, has nothing to do with actually being friends. A friendship like that will not last because when she moves on to a new guy, he is not going to be fond of his gf hanging out with her most recent ex.

 

Once you say no definitely you realize that this is it. It is very final and instantly after that you wan't to go back on your decision but give yourself a few days and you will realize that it is the right decision.

 

Ask her nicely to stop contact and give you space and if she refuses then you can resort to blocking her.

[Chi townD]

 

She seemed very concerned as to who I'd been to dinner with, then she said ''is everything ok?'' I said ''in what way?'' Then she continued asking if we could be friends... I said I needed to talk to her face to face and invited her for coffee later this week... she agreed and we set a day and time at a local coffee shop.

 

My question is, why did she seem worriedly concerned about who I'd been to dinner with when she herself has been on a few dates since we broke up, also I think she already knows that I can't be friends with her, so why does she keep asking the question and keep in contact with me (daily texts, numerous phone calls, some of which I don't answer because the conversation always head towards me being ok with being friends)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, sorry to tell you this because I think all her phonecalls are guilt driven and the reason why she's freaking out is because she slept with one of your friends. She waiting for the day that you find out.

 

 

That's probably why she was freaking out about who you went to dinner with. She was concerned that you went to dinner with the guy she slept with and he spilt the beans to you or said something. So, she's flipping out.

[ChickiePops]

Sorry it worked out this way. Walking away and blocking are the right things to do.

[triple-s]

Hi again guys

 

This is just a quick one really, but I do need a bit of advice here.

 

My Ex-Girlfriend called me again tonight, she contacts me at least every other day. For those of you who haven't read my other threads - we were together for 6 years and split up in December 2015...

 

She told me about her day, asked me what I'd been up to, I told her I'd been to dinner with some friends... all of a sudden her toned changed and she asked worriedly ''who have you been to dinner with?'' Again, I said just some friends and name dropped someone we used to know mutually as well as some new people I've met socially.

 

She seemed very concerned as to who I'd been to dinner with, then she said ''is everything ok?'' I said ''in what way?'' Then she continued asking if we could be friends... I said I needed to talk to her face to face and invited her for coffee later this week... she agreed and we set a day and time at a local coffee shop.

 

She then said, ''is this because you're going to tell me we can't be friends and I have to cry in public?'' I said I think it's just better if we meet somewhere quiet and neutral, she agreed.

 

My question is, why did she seem worriedly concerned about who I'd been to dinner with when she herself has been on a few dates since we broke up, also I think she already knows that I can't be friends with her, so why does she keep asking the question and keep in contact with me (daily texts, numerous phone calls, some of which I don't answer because the conversation always head towards me being ok with being friends)

 

Any advice on weather I should go for the coffee or just call her back tomorrow and say something's come up then go back into no contact (well as no contact as possible, we've had to stay in touch because of a financial matter)....

 

 

Thanks!

 

DO NOT BE FRIENDS WITH HER .... Thats such a selfish reasoning for her to keep you in the backburner to ease her guilt .

 

If you ask me ; No contact all the way sir .

 

Ask yourself Whats going for coffee going to do for you ? You know its ghonna end up in some kind of drama .

 

Shes making it seem like shes concerned so she makes you think she does ... and from the looks of it its working !

 

do you want her back ; the DRAMA back in your life ?

[Survivor12]

I just spoke to her for 10 minutes on the phone and told her that I can't be friends right now, that I need some space and time to myself.

 

She said she keeps wanting to call me when she has good news, or for example one of her friends is working on a project where I work this week. Or she thinks about me when she's had a bad day, clearly meaning she's still missing that part of our relationship.

 

I said that I can't be there like that anymore, I left the conversation wishing her the best.

 

Now I feel upset all over again and want to call her back to say let's try and be friends.

 

Help!

 

She doesn't want to be friends! She wants your attention. Read what you just said she told you....every reason is about what SHE wants. No mention of caring how you are or offering an ear when you've had a bad day.

 

Forget about being friends. Sure, it may be hard to walk away, but continuing to interact with her will only delay you moving on.

[BC1980]

I found out she had been texting another guy who she was working with and had told her friend she had a huge crush on the guy. I asked her about it, she denied it so I told her i was out.

 

I'm not surprised. I read the rest of your thread, and my breakup was so similar. My ex would contact me about twice a week. When my contact dropped off, he said he was worried I had been dating someone else. He also wanted to be friends, wanted to call and chat about his day, wanted to meet up from time to time, wanted to call and tell me when something big happened. I think that's all part of the process of letting go. Dumpers go through it too.

 

It's also an ego thing if you are dating someone else. They don't want you, but they don't want anyone else to have you either. My ex was also dating another woman during the end of all of this. It's amazing what people will do.