thecrucible Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Hello all, I've decided that my online dating isn't working for me so I want to send some initial messages myself rather than deal with what lands in my inbox. So I'm just wondering what your views are on receiving messages from women and what kind of messages do you like? I'm flirty in real life but not very much so over the internet. I would probably just go for something laid back and ask him a question about an interest he listed on his profile. I wouldn't compliment him in a first message as I don't really want to be massaging some guy's ego. I'm interested to hear opinions from men and women alike. Cheers
leafguy Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 I have had lots of experiences with girls simply messaging hey there or hi Please make sure it has substance as those type of messages feel like they are showing interest but are too lazy to actually make a good 1st impression. I typically like a girl to message me simply saying, hi how are you, and make reference to a photo or question a bit about something on my profile. Proves she has read it and at least taken sometime to glance at it.
lilmissjava Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Crucible, how would you approach men IRL? If you can emulate that same communication through the messaging medium, you shouldn't have a problem. And a plus, you won't have a surprising demeanor when you meet.
Author thecrucible Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 Crucible, how would you approach men IRL? If you can emulate that same communication through the messaging medium, you shouldn't have a problem. And a plus, you won't have a surprising demeanor when you meet. I'm very flirty in real life. Well I give them the eye haha . But I am terrible with initiating if I am really into the guy. Most guys I am not into and will talk about anything. I find it easy to talk to men I'm not interested in. I usually tell a joke and eventually get on to asking them questions to get to know them. I am naturally shy and I have approached men before on nights out with little success if I'm being honest. My natural inclination is to make myself look available but not to approach them and this seems to work as there is always someone who seems to like me. I got a tip from a male acquaintance once that holding back is a lot better than making an approach. But seriously if I see a man I like, I'm more likely to blush and avoid looking at him and stumble over my words than to make some smooth move.
Author thecrucible Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 I have had lots of experiences with girls simply messaging hey there or hi Please make sure it has substance as those type of messages feel like they are showing interest but are too lazy to actually make a good 1st impression. I typically like a girl to message me simply saying, hi how are you, and make reference to a photo or question a bit about something on my profile. Proves she has read it and at least taken sometime to glance at it. Okay so it seems like I'm going along the right lines. I would probably say more than just hey or hi . I think I would ask him about a particular place he's visited or a place that features in his photos. Just like in real life, a man will approach me or he won't approach me and I'll think "nah he can't really be into me" haha. Naturally when I see a man I like online, I get too freaked out to do anything about it so I'm trying to put an end to that.
SwordofFlame Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Just ask about something on the guy's profile. I'm sure if the guy's interested he'll reply even if all you say is "hi". Most men don't demand creative first messages.
deckard11 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Well, when I was on online dating sites I never had one women send me a message or ever reply to a message I sent. So I don't know. Maybe just be yourself and make your intentions known to the man right from the start. Don't play games and don't be full of drama. men hate and don't want that. 1
andie1969 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 A year ago I sent a message to a guy on match simply saying, hi, my name is andie1969. He replied and Feb 24 will mark one year since we've met. 5
lilmissjava Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Naturally when I see a man I like online, I get too freaked out to do anything about it so I'm trying to put an end to that. Is there a way for you to express interest without sending a message? Like a wink or a flirt or a favorite you can click? I am the worst person to be advising about sending the first message lol. I did send the initial message once. All I wrote was a hello and mentioned some of the same interests we both had. We talked and then met and clicked but it was just moving too fast that I was spinning. If everything I knew about the dating world up until then was true, it was going to burn out just as quick. But we remained friends anyway. I'm glued in on your thread because I'm thinking of breaking my hiatus and going back to OLD lol.
Author thecrucible Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 Well, when I was on online dating sites I never had one women send me a message or ever reply to a message I sent. So I don't know. Maybe just be yourself and make your intentions known to the man right from the start. Don't play games and don't be full of drama. men hate and don't want that. Well I don't make drama or games. My worse quality is probably my indecisiveness when I'm not sure who to pick/whether I'm into someone. I don't mean to be picky. I just want to meet someone who really gets me and is on the same wavelength. That can be difficult. Some guys who email me have nothing much in common with me. While I don't dislike them, I want to be with a guy I can talk about history and books and general nerd stuff with who also likes climbing mountains. With my last boyfriend, we'd go on great walks in the countryside but he once said to me "I like history but I don't like having conversations about it" so that kind of killed that side of things for me.
tasev1 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 For a man, we send HUNDREDS of messages to women that never get answered. My personal new tactic: set up an amazing profile with good pictures. The women that are REALLY interested and actually looking will (hopefully) message me first. I don't care what they say, as long as they initiate contact. (that's not to say I have completely stopped messaging myself, but I am far pickier). online dating hasn't worked for me in the past, and this is the new way for me to find success. It has worked for the person that gave me this advice. So yes, message away my dear! 1
Author thecrucible Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 I will report back on how successful my new strategy of messaging men myself is. 2
AverageJoe1986 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 "I like history but I don't like having conversations about it" He's just glad that it's there? One of the weirdest things I've ever read.
Toodaloo Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Crucible. What you have to ALWAYS keep in mind is that you simply do not know if guys are attractive or not until you engage them in conversation. Yes they may be pretty to look at but... we have all been there when the good looking guys says something so utterly grim that we just can't wait to get away. So all you are doing is talking to these guys the same way as your brother or father, uncle or cousin. You are just saying hello and hey is that pic taken in such and such a place? Or some other random thing. It doesn't matter what it relates to as long as he is involved. "Hey" messages from anyone are just sloppy in my book. By the way POF has a "send flirt" button all that does is send a "hey" message. So don't use it!!! 1
PegNosePete Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I would probably just go for something laid back and ask him a question about an interest he listed on his profile. Yep, sounds good. Short and sweet. Remember you won't get a response from all. Make sure your own profile and photos are good, and interesting, and attractive. Only message men who you genuinely think are a good match for you based on their profile. 1
TheArtist Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 It is quite unusual for a woman to send the first message so you've already got an advantage there. I have had a couple of messages from women, but if they simply say, (and this is a real one), 'Hey how r u doin', I won't respond. It's lazy and boring. Two to three lines is the best length, mention something in my profile we have in common and try to end on a question to get the conversation started. 'I love books by Vlad the Impaler, he's got some great ideas. What are your thoughts on his blade sharpening techniques?' Or something more romantic, but you see what I mean. 2
Toodaloo Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Yep, sounds good. Short and sweet. Remember you won't get a response from all. Make sure your own profile and photos are good, and interesting, and attractive. Only message men who you genuinely think are a good match for you based on their profile. For example if I were approaching Pete (bearing in mind that I only have that pic to the side to go on and I am pretending that I do not know him at all I could say something along the lines of... Pete - You are my hero! Please tell me that among that sea of tranquility you are blowing up fish! I am terrified of them so you have just made my day! Where was the picture taken? Just so I know where it is safe to go back in the water now! That would probably get a response. When I send messages like that they usually do. 3
Toodaloo Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 'I love books by Vlad the Impaler, he's got some great ideas. What are your thoughts on his blade sharpening techniques?' Or something more romantic, but you see what I mean. Personally I would go by something more neutral... Save Vlad for... well actually no just don't ever use Vlad unless in discussion about History!!! First approach to Artist. Again going just by screen name and picture. Hi - So you are really into your art? I think Banksy is a star. Did you see the piece he did in Paris? I thought it was great, inspired and thoughtful. I am not really into graffiti but he really takes it to the next level. What sort of art are you into? Have you figured out what the Mona Lisa was thinking? 1
Author thecrucible Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 Crucible. What you have to ALWAYS keep in mind is that you simply do not know if guys are attractive or not until you engage them in conversation. Yes they may be pretty to look at but... we have all been there when the good looking guys says something so utterly grim that we just can't wait to get away. You are really good at this, Toodaloo. I will try my best. I think I am just worried about sounding dull. But hey one thing I won't do is ask "what are you up to? How are you?". I find that kind of talk too familiar when I get it from men I hardly know. And you're right, I don't know until I start talking to them as they could be pretty dull. I have really fancied guys who were smart and funny but confident and I liked them for their personality and general vibe I got from them more than what they looked liked, so I definitely don't put too much stock in their outward appearance.
Toodaloo Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I have practiced and got good at it. My responses are still around 40% though. Nope I am not dog ugly either. *Checked that one!* When doing this you have to put in effort and you have to remain pragmatic and optimistic. OLD is really tough and can drag you down. Keep other things in your life to keep your spirits up!
Miss Peach Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Most of the time it's worked for me. I just send something indicating interest like a short, light question about something in their profile. Then I made them lead from that point on. I have run into a few guys who expected me to lead the relationship and when it didn't turn into me asking them out, buying them drinks, easy sex, etc. they were really offended.
losangelena Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I had no problem messaging guys first on OLD. That's a great thing about it, it's such a low-pressure environment. I always thought, "why not?" If I saw someone interesting, I'd rate them highly on OKC, and if he'd rated me highly as well, I'd send him a quick message. Sometimes interesting-looking guys would pop up as having looked at my profile but they didn't say anything. About 50% of the time, they wouldn't reply, but what can a short message hurt? You never know! As far as content, I would usually glean a commonality from their profile—oh, I'm into such-and-such, too; what did you think of that movie? etc. It doesn't have to be much. Just like in real life, you really only have to get the ball going, but it's got to be more than just "what's up," that's so unbelievably lazy. Anyway, good luck!
Author thecrucible Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 I have practiced and got good at it. My responses are still around 40% though. Nope I am not dog ugly either. *Checked that one!* When doing this you have to put in effort and you have to remain pragmatic and optimistic. OLD is really tough and can drag you down. Keep other things in your life to keep your spirits up! Thanks so much Toodaloo and everyone for your advice. If I'm being honest, I do find it drags me down from time to time. I know I'm not unappealing (I even did a bit of modelling last year) but I have quite a curvy figure (think Kim K) so I know not every guy will go for that type of lady. I try and own what I've got and be confident though. I'll try not to let it get me down. A person not interested in me early on by not replying saves me time. I've been out with guys for months who weren't really into me and personally I'd rather they reject me sooner if they are not into me than go for me as some kind of back up choice. I also know that people have spurts of not replying or have other things going on in their life so their lack of reply may not be personal. I have pretty much got a ghost profile on Match as I haven't paid the membership yet. I'm also going to message a couple of guys max at a time as I hate multi-dating. I tried it and I didn't work for me. I want to message for longer before meeting guys as I can't afford to agree quickly to a meet that will involve travel costs for me (likely since I live in the country). I've also found that guys who ask to meet up quickly aren't very into me. I know there is a school of thought that you should meet quicker to determine chemistry and not get overly invested so I won't leave it too long.
Author thecrucible Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 I just logged on and haven't seen anyone who appeals to me greatly but there are a few if I scroll through tonnes of pages. I think I'll go back to it later. There aren't a lot of guys I have much in common with on there. :/
AverageJoe1986 Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Hi - So you are really into your art? I think Banksy is a star. Did you see the piece he did in Paris? I thought it was great, inspired and thoughtful. I am not really into graffiti but he really takes it to the next level. What sort of art are you into? Have you figured out what the Mona Lisa was thinking? Ha, you see it's a complicated beast this. I love art and have the fact on my profile sometimes. If I got that message I wouldn't message back. Banksy would have been a major turn off.
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