Is being friends okay?

[Paradigm]

This is going to be a very long post, I'd understand if you can't be bothered with it here we go..

 

A little over 2 years ago, I met my boyfriend on an online game that we both played. I am now 22 and he is 20. Before meeting him, I had been single for over 5 years. My first relationship ended badly, and I'd pretty much given up on love as funny as that sounds coming from a 15 year old. I've seen how it didn't work out for my mother and my friends, so I decided to stay single and really didn't care that much for guys anymore. I would always reject them, seeing them as thirsty horndogs (I was quite resentful and bitter over my first bf)

 

At first, I also rejected my bf's attempts at flirting with me. But he seemed different than others... and he also lived in another country, which I liked at the time because I hated myself and was not ready to face someone in real life. For the first two months that we met, we did not date. He would constantly be good to me, and compliment me and be really sweet. So after a while, I started to trust him. I felt that he really was different, I couldn't believe that such a person existed because to me that could only happen in fairy tales. So I started to fall in love with him and became his girlfriend, loving him more and more over the months.

 

The other reason I had accepted to date someone over the internet is because he and his family were planning to immigrate to my country (Way before we met) so I thought if it works out between us, it could actually lead to something more serious.

 

About 5 months into the relationship, his mother suddenly changed her mind about immigrating (Mostly because of the weather, she had apparently not bothered to look up anything about my country). I was really upset. I asked him if he would still leave his family for me when he would be out of college, and said that I was worth it. He didn't want to abandon his family if they needed his help, but once things were settled he would come to me.

 

About two months later, he told me he couldn't leave them. He loved them too much and couldn't do it. Being too desperate for him, I said I would come. Even though I love my family and my country, I said I would go, and I meant it.

 

Another 4-5 months later, he said he could not wait for me anymore. It was too hard not being with me. One thing I forgot to mention is that he comes from a very religious family, and because of that he had not been with anyone before me, and was not allowed to date at all.

 

He was still the best thing in my life in my opinion, so I dropped out of school and got a job to save money to go visit him. I promised him I could be there within a few months, so he agreed to wait for me. (Even though we did not know yet if his mother would ever allow me to visit)

 

Two months before I visited, his mother said yes. But I don't think she truly meant it, she just wanted to be the "good mother". Because the very same day that I bought my plane ticket (for a three months visit, as agreed) she blew up on him and told him I could not come anymore. I had JUST spent my savings on the luggage, passport, clothes and plane ticket and suddenly, she did not want me to come anymore. He had to beg her for days before she agreed for ONE month. (Which is very good already, i know that)

 

So I went. And things weren't perfect... Being with him was the most amazing thing in the world for me. But his family drove me crazy. His little 10 year old sister was with us CONSTANTLY if he wasn't at work, because she was her mother's spy. The few times we'd be left alone, you could hear her sneaking around the stairs. I also saw her once leaning over the wall to spy on us. We weren't allowed to be in a room with the door closed, or cuddle too much.

 

Of course, that did not stop us from doing sexual things. (It wasn't fulfilling, and usually cut short because of them coming to "check on us". But we still found a way to). He said that he loved me a lot in real life. Even though he disappointed me sometimes by taking me for granted (Not paying attention to me and playing games all day) I still loved him very very much.

 

A few days before the allowed month was over, his mother started telling me how nice it had been to have me visit. I was devastated, i had really thought she would let me stay longer than she'd said since she "liked me" so much. I started to cry and asked her if I could stay just a little longer.

 

Thats when things went sour.......She became a real harpy. She screamed at her son to make me leave. She said I was a gold digger and ruined her son. She said I was arrogant and threatened me to never talk to her son again, because she knew people back in my country and would talk to them if I ever contacted her son again. She also said if I raised my voice at her again she would call the police and throw me out on the spot. (After she had screamed at me for 30 minutes I lost my cool. But i NEVER yelled at her, all I did was raise my voice because she would not hear me out at all!)

 

In the end, my boyfriend had to pay for us to stay at the hotel for 2 days because she was being that crazy and I was TERRIFIED.....He also paid the 250$ fee for changing the date on my plane ticket.. which made his mother all the more furious. She thought I had been trying to "force" my stay by buying a 3 month ticket, but that was not the case at all. It was what we AGREED on, but she has quite a short memory.

 

Throughout all this, I thought my boyfriend was on my side. Parting ways was the most heartbreaking thing to do, I was not ready to come back home at all.. I was living in a dream. But I told him: "Let's do our best and study hard. And then we can be together again" ..

 

Two days after I came back, he told me he wanted to break up. That his family was right about everything they said. I became very suicidal. I was not trying to manipulate him at all, I was truly suicidal, and I guess I wanted to hurt him by letting him know. I know it sounds like I was being a baby. Maybe I was.. But I really wanted to die, I started planning it out and prepared things so that when my mother would fall asleep, I could leave in the middle of the night and never come back. I feel horrible and terribly selfish about it now, but that is truly what was going on my mind at the time. I came close to doing something very ugly.

 

And I guess he could feel I meant it, so he told me he would stay. He told me to get better. But for months, I only pretended to be better. I acted happy around him, and never acted needy and gave him a lot of space. I pretended I was okay only so that he wouldn't leave me with the excuse that "He didn't make me happy"..... I could not eat or sleep for months, I couldn't even enjoy my hobbies anymore. I was in full blown post traumatic syndrome. I'd spend on average 8-10 hours a day in my bed reliving everything that happened, crying and feeling so lost and empty.

 

One thing that really made me feel pathetic is that for the first 3 months when I came back, I would constantly do "things" for him on webcam, even though I was never aroused or in the mood. I only did them to make him addicted to me, and not leave me. Funny thing is that he was ONLY saying he loved me in those times. So I learned to give him that to get the love I so desperately needed.. It's disgusting I know.. I regret it. I deserve so much better than this... and so does he.

 

I haven't done that for 4 months now. Over the 7 months since my return, he has hurt me very, very deeply. First by wanting to leave me... then by telling me he did not want to have children (which he did before)...then he told me he didn't want to marry me because he saw his mother's marriage turn bad and it scared him. But to me, that was just an excuse. I knew he didn't love me as much anymore. He told me things like "My mom thinks I can do better" "youre disrespectful.." "you need to gain weight" (He even called my butt saggy when I visited, mind you I do have a flat bum but its nowhere saggy.. ) then he told me to do squats. I just felt like I had to become that pornstar he wanted :/ ...

 

It's being so deeply hurt over and over and OVER that made me fall out of love with him. I've cried to the point that I just don't care anymore, and it feels good. I want to end things with him, but not in a fight. I just want to be friends because I care about him, but never want to be in a relationship with him again. And I know that his life is really difficult, and he also suffered a lot. I know that most of this isn't his fault, and I am the one to blame.

 

So I guess my question is, do you think that being friends would be a bad idea? (If he wants to, of course) I really don't see myself wanting him again. Ive seen what a kid he truly is (As I myself am) and he wouldn't keep any promises if he ever made any lol. I also don't want to hurt him too much, because I know how depressed he is, and he does like me. I constantly cheer him up and I'm always there for him, so I know he didn't only stay for me when he chose to.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read all this.

 

PS: If you think I've been a complete moron and selfish b**** (which I know that I have) ... please, say it nicely. I will take any criticism if you're not being heartless about it.

[mightycpa]

If it doesn't bother you to have him around, or to see him with other girls, then I think pals is fine.

 

But you have to ask yourself, why would you do that? So you could continue to be his personal porn wench? So that you could hear him tell you if you're not that anymore, he doesn't want you around at all?

 

Do everybody involved a big favor. Ghost on out of this one.

[Paradigm]

There isn't much chance of him getting a girl any soon, like I said he isn't allowed to date and after my visit I highly doubt his mother will approve of someone again.

 

As I said in my post I have not done anything sexual for him on webcam for about 4 months. I'm not planning to ever again lol

 

I don't want to hear that he doesn't want me around, but if its his wish I will respect it.

 

The funny thing is that ever since I've started to withdraw myself from him, he began to chase me. He can tell I'm not truly his anymore, not in my heart...

 

And because of things that have happened in his life recently, I just can't bring myself to break up with him...... I want to tell him I'll be his friend but I'm scared to be the last straw: the one that would cause him to give up on school and himself. (I dont think I matter enough to him for that, but what if I'm wrong?) Not even sure if I'm finding excuses at this point. :/

[mightycpa]

There isn't much chance of him getting a girl any soon, like I said he isn't allowed to date and after my visit I highly doubt his mother will approve of someone again.

 

As I said in my post I have not done anything sexual for him on webcam for about 4 months. I'm not planning to ever again lol

 

I don't want to hear that he doesn't want me around, but if its his wish I will respect it.

 

The funny thing is that ever since I've started to withdraw myself from him, he began to chase me. He can tell I'm not truly his anymore, not in my heart...

 

And because of things that have happened in his life recently, I just can't bring myself to break up with him...... I want to tell him I'll be his friend but I'm scared to be the last straw: the one that would cause him to give up on school and himself. (I dont think I matter enough to him for that, but what if I'm wrong?) Not even sure if I'm finding excuses at this point. :/

He's got his mother to look out for him, if he's not allowed to date at the age of 20. If you're his only excuse to stay in school, you owe it to him to let him confront his choices. Getting dumped and left behind is a manly thing to do. Looks like he could use that right about now. Be that last straw. It will be good for him in the long run.

 

You're not responsible for how he reacts, but right now, you just might be responsible for him not coming to grips with who he really is, and who he wants to be. That's something that he needs to do alone.

[Paradigm]

You are completely right about this. Thank you for saying that

 

His mother, though, cannot offer him much support. She has the emotional maturity of a 10 years old, and she lost her job 3 days ago. They also found out yesterday that his little sister had been cutting up her arms for a few months.

 

While I know that none of this is my business, I just feel like now (when im finally ready to cut ties) would be the worst time for him. Even if we both need it, should I really be doing it now? I just can't pretend anymore... he can already tell something's up. I dont wan't to lie to him or make him go through what he did to me. I don't know what is best. I loved him too much to simply not care. I want to end it, but not torture him either.

[Simon Phoenix]

If you are writing this long of a novel about it, then no, being friends is not a good idea. In fact, it's a terrible idea.

[Paradigm]

I just wanted to give enough details, after all it's hard to give good advice without even knowing half the story.

 

I've replayed the whole events in my mind enough by now to be pretty much unaffected by it, but I still understand where you're coming from.

 

I just care for him a lot, even if I'm not in love anymore. I might be walking on dangerous grounds though.

[Simon Phoenix]

I just wanted to give enough details, after all it's hard to give good advice without even knowing half the story.

 

I've replayed the whole events in my mind enough by now to be pretty much unaffected by it, but I still understand where you're coming from.

 

I just care for him a lot, even if I'm not in love anymore. I might be walking on dangerous grounds though.

 

Might? More like "are". You gotta let this one go.

[Nightwriter]

Watch this.

 

[Toodaloo]

I don't think you should be friends with this one.

 

Just let him go and move on to live your life.

 

Good luck OP

[Paradigm]

I don't really have a life after I gave up everything for him. Leaving him would allow me to find myself again.. I miss how happy I was.

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't really have a life after I gave up everything for him. Leaving him would allow me to find myself again.. I miss how happy I was.

 

Then leave and find that happiness again. And never allow yourself to mortgage everything for a partner. A partner should be the dessert of a tasty meal, not the main course, the sides, and the dessert.

[Zahara]

I don't really have a life after I gave up everything for him. Leaving him would allow me to find myself again.. I miss how happy I was.

 

Maybe it's time to rescue yourself rather than rescue him. It's fine to care or love someone but not at the expense of damaging your own emotional and mental health.

[Paradigm]

Then leave and find that happiness again. And never allow yourself to mortgage everything for a partner. A partner should be the dessert of a tasty meal, not the main course, the sides, and the dessert.

Yes. That reminds me of a post I saw earlier in another thread:

 

Next girl I commit to will because she adds to my life, not because I need her. I wish the same for you...

 

And both of you are completely right.

[Silver_star]

You are not friends.

 

 

So being "friends" is not okay. You are both toxic for one another.

 

 

Its more caring sometimes to just let people go and grow without us.

One day at a time, let him go, and move on.

[Paradigm]

So I started talking to him about how our relationship is going nowhere....He is acting like a victim, refusing to see his faults (I admitted mines) basically told me I'm "never" happy... The problem is that even though he did things for me, none of them were the ones that truly matter..

 

He tells me he isn't sure I'm "the one" , yet still expects me to wait for him at least 4 years..

 

So why is he hanging onto me like crazy? I thought he would be relieved that I brought up the topic. I thought he just didn't have the balls to break up with me .. and he was crying a lot. I softened up I didn't change my mind, but I feel really guilty..

[Simon Phoenix]

So I started talking to him about how our relationship is going nowhere....He is acting like a victim, refusing to see his faults (I admitted mines) basically told me I'm "never" happy... The problem is that even though he did things for me, none of them were the ones that truly matter..

 

He tells me he isn't sure I'm "the one" , yet still expects me to wait for him at least 4 years..

 

So why is he hanging onto me like crazy? I thought he would be relieved that I brought up the topic. I thought he just didn't have the balls to break up with me .. and he was crying a lot. I softened up I didn't change my mind, but I feel really guilty..

 

Dude, stop talking to him. It's an exercise in futility. Just go. And he's hanging on to you because he knows you are going to fold, cave and do whatever he wants. SO STOP!!!!