Bindi Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Hi, this is the first time I'm actually using a forum, but I am seeking unbiased advice here. I dated this guy for 5 months, I am 23 and he is 22. We met at work and instantly clicked, thing is he had just got out of a horrible relationship with a girl that drove him absolutely insane, in the worst way, she was crazy. He seemed mature about this, but was clearly a bit scarred. When our "thing" became a bit more than flirting, he told me he had to be sure he was ready for a relationship. 1 month after we met, he asked me to be his girlfriend, assuring me he knew this was right. This was about 2 months after he had broken up with her, so there was minimal to no cooldown, but he said they didn't even talk months before they broke it off so he didn't need anymore time. Basically it seemed like a perfect relationship, and he was the first to drop the L-word. He always treated me like the best lady on earth and seemed quite emotionally stable and sure he wanted me for a long term. Well, a week ago, out of the blue, he said he was confused, and 2 days ago he broke up with me. The reason? He suddenly realised he's not ready and needs to take the time to be alone, that he should've taken after his last crazy relationship. He just wants to be alone, for some time, also claiming that I did nothing wrong, I was perfect, he just dove in too soon. This makes me mad. I am doubting everything he ever said, did, and who I even fell in love with. Thing is, I did fall in love, but I'm faced with the harsh truth that I was a distraction, a rebound, and it hurts like hell. He never told me this, but it's the only way, right? I want to know your opinion. He always said I was made for him and I honestly felt like I was. Do guys ever go back to the rebound girl for a serious relationship? Or did I get my heart broken on nothing but bad timing? It paaaaaains me to admit, but I want to be with him and I want that person back. Thanks!
d0nnivain Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Whatever he said to you about breaking up was some version of trying to let you down gently. Don't think more about it & do what you have to do to move forward. Don't doubt yourself and your choices. You had no way of knowing what a relative stranger was thinking when he was talking to you. 2
basil67 Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 He confused love with infatuation. And I'm guessing you've done the same. In a relationship this short, it's important to realise that people get swept up in those heady, adrenaline fuelled waves of infatuation. When they confess love, by all means enjoy those words, but you must temper this with the knowledge that it's still infatuation talking. You shouldn't take anything too seriously until the infatuation dies down and the deeper love arrives. The promises of never leaving each other, about being so perfectly suited, etc etc......take it all with a grain of salt if you haven't been together for a year yet. I'm sorry this didn't work out for you. But on the positive, you'll have a bit of knowledge about protecting yourself in future. 1
Author Bindi Posted January 31, 2016 Author Posted January 31, 2016 I think you're right, everyone tells me this, but I guess it's a bit fresh and with time I will accept it wasn't real. Still hurts that it very much felt like it could be something good, I was down, but that is usually the case when you're not the one rebounding. If anything I have learned the damage rebounds can do... I'd be very cautious before ever risking breaking someone's heart.
CDJ Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I think I can offer some perspective on this as recently I've been in a very similar situation to this guy. I suffered a traumatic break-up, hurt very badly, and so of course I did the healthy thing of getting straight onto dating sites and looking up old flames! I suppose the reasons I did it were: - Wanted to get what happened with my ex out of my head. But this of course didn't happen. If anything, trying to be with other girls just made me think of it even more. - Felt lonely and wanted the company/sex - Wanted to meet someone new and move on It may well be that your guy has suddenly realised he's not ready for i; or his just now ready to admit itt. In my case, I knew deep down but was in denial; I thought if I just ploughed on through it, then eventually I would heal and with the added bonus of one or two potential relationships having developed. There was one girl in particular who I liked; although I wasn't ready for it/her, I didn't want to lose the opportunity whilst waiting around to get my head sorted. I suspect your guy was doing the same. I'm sure he liked you a lot, and probably meant everything he said; the only thing he wasn't honest about was his feelings for his ex, or how he was still affected by it all. It's selfish on his part (as it was on mine); I think that often when people are hurt by someone, they may subconsciously start to pass that pain down onto someone else, the next person they meet. So when he says he's realised he dove in too soon and needs time, and that you never did anything wrong, I believe him as I've been going through the same thing. Will he come back to you? Hard to say. It's possible I may get in contact with my rebound girl when I've healed as there was potential there, but I think it will be difficult (not least because I let her down, just as you feel let down by your guy, and damage has been done). My advice would be to just try to move on - as hard as it is - and not contact him, but keep the channels of communication open. If his feelings for you were genuine and if he really did see potential for you both, then in time he will reach out again. But you can't put your life on hold for an if/maybe. 1
Author Bindi Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 Thank you so much, CDJ, I really wanted to know this from someone who was in that same spot he was. As my friends barely knew him, or how traumatic and awful his last relationship was, all I hear from my friends is how he is a lying manipulative bastard who's probably wanting to go back to her right now (friends tend to be a bit biased ) I know that last part isn't the case, but I can't know if he was lying to manipulate me, or if he was genuinely into me and just realised he's not ready. Your post was super enlightening and I agree. He said he just wants to be alone, for many months, I suppose if he genuinely felt about me the way he sai d he did, if he ever wants another chance it'll be his move, I just have to move on. I also liked seeing you understood what you did, and how it hurt the other person, because in the ''anger'' stage I keep imagining he has no idea how much this hurts an innocent person, but maybe he does. Not that I want him to feel bad, just so he never hurts anyone like this again. Thank you so much again, this made me feel some peace I hadn't had in a while =) edit: apologies for any mistakes, english is not my first language
CDJ Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Glad I could help! It should be said that of course this is just my own perspective from my own experience, so someone else might have a different view. If you have any questions though, feel free to ask! But remember one important thing; you can torture yourself trying to guess another person's motives/feelings, and sometimes one answer can create two new questions. It's best to try to accept that you probably will never know the truth.
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