Should i keep up no contact?

[Mr Man]

So the situation is this.

 

We are both mid 20s. We were together for just over 6 years, we were going to get married this spring, but she left me at the start of December. I can still agree that the decline and fall of our relationship was my fault for the majority, though by the end she gave up and played a large part in it too. I won't go into too much detail on it. In short, she was very busy in life and i felt left out, but i handled it the complete wrong way. I was controlling, borderline abusive at times, continually moody and really didn't show much affection. I took her for granted and imagined she would never ever leave. This was after an amazing summer of real happiness.

 

She left, i did the usual begging and pleading, i decided to try no contact, i screwed up and spoke to her a week later and acted insecure, jealous and needy. I realised how bad i screwed up and went no contact for just over 2 weeks. We had some very limited contact however, just a few back and forth messages with the replies days apart. I started therapy, got a lot of self help books, and really turned myself around, something i am still doing.

 

I decided to begin conversation with her again, this was about 3 1/2 weeks after the split. It was interesting, at first she was very closed off from me, but eventually, over the next week and a bit, she really opened up to me, told me things she had never told me, and we felt quite close. But throughout all of this she was still being very passive aggressive abusive towards me, the way she kept mentioning other men who were interested in her, and baiting me with things that would have annoyed me previous (but don't now). Despite that, i could tell that she was enjoying talking to me and i was enjoying talking to her. These were just text conversations by the way, but they could last 1-3 hours.

 

But eventually it got too much, for me. I felt like she was being too mean to me, and screwing with my head, and i showed my mother some of the conversations, and she got mad and messaged my ex (they always had a great relationship). My ex admitted she was being abusive towards me, and said she wasn't ready to talk to me. She begged me to stop talking to her, saying she couldn't resist it. She also, weirdly, begged me to make a decision about our future, and i told her i already did, that i wanted to be with her, but i guess what she wanted was for me to say its 100% over because perhaps she just couldn't go all the way.

 

Anyway, at this point i decided that i am going to go full and true no contact. I was at a point where i was functional, though still very down and depressed, and i could see the break up and last few weeks with a lot more clarity. Although thinking of her not being in my future makes me feel like dogcrap, i feel like i can survive and cope, and don't feel like messaging her all the time. But before i went NC, i asked her what she wants, she said she doesn't know, she said she isn't going to just try to get over me, but to find herself and love herself. She said she needs to disassociate the new me with the anger she feels for the old me. I told her that she needs to make a decision on us and then tell me, so whatever she decides, whether its to reconcile, or that she's done for good, to let me know when she knows. I know, i could be waiting a long time. I mean how long does it take decide if you want to be with someone or not? Anyway i told her I'm going to live my life, which i am, and to tell me what she decides. The funny thing is, after i said that, about 40 minutes later, she sends me a string of messages saying how she can't imagine her future without me, how she doesn't know what she's feeling or doing, but that I'm also "her person for life". I replied back with what I'd said before, that I'm going to live my life and she should tell me when she makes a decision. No contact after that.

 

The important thing is that the things which caused the break up, on my part at least, aren't an issue anymore. I've had a complete change, i went fully head on into self improvement, and everybody around me says I'm a different person, in a positive way. I've finally killed my demons and it feels great. I proved this to my ex in the time we spoke, and she believed me and said she could see it, and i did convey it to her when we spoke, all the times she was clearly trying to provoke me i kept my cool and acted completely differently to in the past. She said she knows I've changed, but that she still holds on to a lot of old resentment and anger and doesn't know if she can truly trust me not to go back.

 

But then we come to now. 3 weeks into absolute NC and 2 months after splitting up. It was her birthday a few days back, and i sent a small gift and card to her. It wasn't an expensive gift but it was something i knew she would love. I kept the card brief and unemotional but i also included a web address to my blog which when we last spoke she said she wanted to see but she didn't have the link. Many would say its stupid and breaks NC, and they're probably right. But i did it mostly out of respect for the 6 years we spent together, and a little bit out of hoping it might help convince her to be with me. I wasn't sure if she would even thank me, but i did get a reply. She messaged me on Facebook (we aren't friends on it though, I've cut everything), saying "Hello, Not trying to bother you. I checked your blog it is really good. Thank you for the amazing book. I love it and the card."

 

So now, I'm not sure what to do. It's more than i was expecting. If I reply something like "Glad you liked it", there's a chance she will just not even reply and then I've undone all my NC and got ignored which would make me feel terrible. It just seems like she gave me quite a positive response, and maybe she wants to talk? You have to understand she's a very stubborn girl who has trouble swallowing her pride. I'm not sure if its an attempt to begin conversation again, or if it is just a genuine thank you and nothing more. The "Not trying to bother you" part is confusing too, does she feel like I've moved on and she's intruding into my life?

 

I really don't know what to do, this could be the chance to reconcile, or i could just keep up NC and hope that if she does want me, she'll swallow her pride and come and say it. I don't know what to think of the entire situation really, she comes across like she wants to be with me but can't, but maybe since we stopped talking she's gone back to standing by her decision and doesn't want me anymore. I just don't know.

 

If you read all this, thank you.

[Learningtowalkagain]

You were never really NC, more like LC. Go full NC. Stay strong with it. You've made it known by your begging and pleading you want her back, if she wants to reconcile, she'll make it known. For now your best option is to give her space. Let her decide what she wants. Unfortunately you can only do things to push her further from this point on. NC is your friend right now.

[Mr Man]

It's been NC for 3 weeks. I don't really consider the gift contact because there's no conversation. She is the one who contacted me with a thank you but I haven't replied. I have decided not to reply to her, I just can't see any positive outcome from it. I reply and she either ignores it and i feel crap, or went speak for a little but it goes no where and i feel crap, plus NC has to be restarted.

 

No, even if that thank you was her hoping I'd reply and start a conversation, I'm going to need more than that. If she want's to build things back up, which to be honest I don't think she does, then she needs to be more open about it and just start talking.

 

I guess I'd still like more feedback on the whole situation though. I haven't spoken to anyone about it in any depth other than my parents who give me pretty generic responses.

[Simon Phoenix]

It's been NC for 3 weeks. I don't really consider the gift contact because there's no conversation. She is the one who contacted me with a thank you but I haven't replied. I have decided not to reply to her, I just can't see any positive outcome from it. I reply and she either ignores it and i feel crap, or went speak for a little but it goes no where and i feel crap, plus NC has to be restarted.

 

No, even if that thank you was her hoping I'd reply and start a conversation, I'm going to need more than that. If she want's to build things back up, which to be honest I don't think she does, then she needs to be more open about it and just start talking.

 

I guess I'd still like more feedback on the whole situation though. I haven't spoken to anyone about it in any depth other than my parents who give me pretty generic responses.

 

Sending a gift is most definitely not No Contact. No Contact means no interaction of any kind. That means no seeing each other in person, no talking on the phone, no texting, no checking up on social media, no talking to mutual friends about the relationship, and no sending gifts. I won't say you broke No Contact, because you have never gone No Contact in the first place.

 

You sent her a gift (which you shouldn't have done) and she thanked you for it. That's all, that's it. There's nothing further to pursue, so it's time for you to go No Contact for real instead of the half-ass, quasi-No Contact you've been trying.

[mightycpa]

But i did it mostly out of respect for the 6 years we spent together, and a little bit out of hoping it might help convince her to be with me. I wasn't sure if she would even thank me, but i did get a reply. She messaged me on Facebook (we aren't friends on it though, I've cut everything), saying "Hello, Not trying to bother you. I checked your blog it is really good. Thank you for the amazing book. I love it and the card."

 

So now, I'm not sure what to do. It's more than i was expecting. If I reply something like "Glad you liked it", there's a chance she will just not even reply and then I've undone all my NC and got ignored which would make me feel terrible. It just seems like she gave me quite a positive response, and maybe she wants to talk?

It hasn't been all that long, so I'm just going to mention that one of the opportunities that NC affords you is to give you some perspective, and to teach yourself how not to lie to yourself.

 

Let's face it - you didn't send that birthday card out of respect for your relationship. I don't even know what that means. You sent that birthday card to demonstrate your ongoing affection in the face of estrangement, and to send a signal that you're still open to a dialog leading to reconciliation. If you weren't open to it, you wouldn't have sent anything.

 

She did what our social contract demands. She was nice, and she said thank you. That's it. You can certainly try to make more of this, and given your mindset, right now you think you're going to feel regret if you don't, because until you're over her, you'll wonder if you opened a door and didn't follow up to her signal.

 

The trouble with your thinking is this: if it were indeed a signal, it would be a clear signal. There would be an a declaration of some kind, maybe that she misses you or that she's been thinking. There would also be an invitation to talk or to meet. But none of that was there. She was nice, and she said thank you. That's it. If you read it with a clear, dispassionate eye, you'll see that it was very closed-ended, with no indication of regret or desire. The words you're hearing are not there.

 

Apparently you have one more demon to slay - false hope.

[DrMario]

If you want to reply you should reply, no contact is great when it's intended for yourself, in your situation I wouldn't initiate full no contact, rather I would leave the door open for her and let her initiate contact with you, there's no harm in saying "your welcome, glad you liked it" if that's something you want to say, if you want her back you can't completely shut her out but at the same time you can't hound her down, If you want to heal and move on however, you should go complete no contact and forget about her, that's completely your choice but don't be a fool, if she really wants you back she will make it known.

[Mr Man]

It hasn't been all that long, so I'm just going to mention that one of the opportunities that NC affords you is to give you some perspective, and to teach yourself how not to lie to yourself.

 

Let's face it - you didn't send that birthday card out of respect for your relationship. I don't even know what that means. You sent that birthday card to demonstrate your ongoing affection in the face of estrangement, and to send a signal that you're still open to a dialog leading to reconciliation. If you weren't open to it, you wouldn't have sent anything.

 

She did what our social contract demands. She was nice, and she said thank you. That's it. You can certainly try to make more of this, and given your mindset, right now you think you're going to feel regret if you don't, because until you're over her, you'll wonder if you opened a door and didn't follow up to her signal.

 

The trouble with your thinking is this: if it were indeed a signal, it would be a clear signal. There would be an a declaration of some kind, maybe that she misses you or that she's been thinking. There would also be an invitation to talk or to meet. But none of that was there. She was nice, and she said thank you. That's it. If you read it with a clear, dispassionate eye, you'll see that it was very closed-ended, with no indication of regret or desire. The words you're hearing are not there.

 

Apparently you have one more demon to slay - false hope.

 

I do want to reconcile though. I do still want her. She left me. I admitted i partially sent the gift to show my affection but i did also genuinely send it because of the time we had been together, i felt like i owed it to her to give her a birthday present. We had also said we would before we stopped talking. I guess you're right, it was a very blunt message. She sent it on facebook chat though, which is weird, i told her if she had to contact me to use email. With FB chat it's more like a conversation, and she could see if i had seen the message. I can't kill the false hope, she gave me so much hope in the final things we said, all the crap about how she needs to change her perception of me, how she can't imagine her future without me, how im her soulmate. It's all false hope, it's horrible, i just can't convince myself as hard as i try that she isn't coming back, to my subconscious its not if but when. And i hate it, my logical mind says If.

[quattrob]

So you've broken up for about 2 months? And you say you've changed and completely gotten over your demons? I find that doubtful, it takes more than a month or 2 to truly change yourself. If you got back to together with her, bad habits will just return and you'd change back to your old self. And even if that were true, it'll take your ex a long time to get over the resentfulness she has about you. You can't just force it and put pressure on her. Playing the waiting game is stupid too.. this whole "you tell me what you decided and when you know" is foolish, she already decided that she doesn't want to be with you, not right now and she may never know if she ever wants to be, the fact that you're getting those responses/breadcrumbs is because she having a tough time being alone, I mean you guys have been together for 6 years and lived together, who wouldn't? Still it doesn't mean she wants to be with you, it just means she's having a tough time adjusting her lifestyle without you. You should decide what you want and if that includes you wanting her in your life you decide that on your own.

Edited January 31, 2016 by quattrob

[Mr Man]

So you've broken up for about 2 months? And you say you've changed and completely gotten over your demons? I find that doubtful, it takes more than a month or 2 to truly change yourself. If you got back to together with her, bad habits will just return and you'd change back to your old self. And even if that were true, it'll take your ex a long time to get over the resentfulness she has about you. You can't just force it and put pressure on her. Playing the waiting game is stupid too.. this whole "you tell me what you decided and when you know" is foolish, she already decided that she doesn't want to be with you, not right now and she may never know if she ever wants to be, the fact that you're getting those responses/breadcrumbs is because she having a tough time being alone, I mean you guys have been together for 6 years and lived together, who wouldn't? Still it doesn't mean she wants to be with you, it just means she's having a tough time adjusting her lifestyle without you. You should decide what you want and if that includes you wanting her in your life you decide that on your own.

 

Yes I am changed. It's not always true that it takes a very long time to change. Sometimes it can happen very quickly. In my case i had several "Eureka" moments. My problems weren't some inherent genetic problems, i had a screwed up outlook on life and a bad attitude. I don't know how to describe it, I just feel different, i don't get the same problems anymore, things which would make me angry don't at all now, I am not cynical of everything in life and nor do i feel like everyone is out to get me. It's screwed up that it took this break up for me to figure all this out. It happens though, when my Dad got very ill and nearly died, his entire attitude to life changed as well, and that was in 6 weeks. I don't understand what you mean though, I'm not forcing it, i am waiting. How can i not force the issue but not wait either. I can either talk to her or not talk to her, i can't do both. I have decided what i want in life, and i do want her. I don't need her, i figured that out. I just want her as my partner.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yes I am changed. It's not always true that it takes a very long time to change. Sometimes it can happen very quickly. In my case i had several "Eureka" moments. My problems weren't some inherent genetic problems, i had a screwed up outlook on life and a bad attitude. I don't know how to describe it, I just feel different, i don't get the same problems anymore, things which would make me angry don't at all now, I am not cynical of everything in life and nor do i feel like everyone is out to get me. It's screwed up that it took this break up for me to figure all this out. It happens though, when my Dad got very ill and nearly died, his entire attitude to life changed as well, and that was in 6 weeks. I don't understand what you mean though, I'm not forcing it, i am waiting. How can i not force the issue but not wait either. I can either talk to her or not talk to her, i can't do both. I have decided what i want in life, and i do want her. I don't need her, i figured that out. I just want her as my partner.

 

Long-lasting change takes time. Sure, it may seem like you've had a "Eureka" moment, but it's very easy to backslide as the "Eureka" dies down and you become complacent about your changes.

[Mr Man]

It does take time to permanently cement it, but I am fully committed to this new me, and i love it and i love my new view of the world. I never ever want to go back to how i used to be. Although I'm very down about my break up, i am much happier now, at least in regards to myself. I think that when you see those happy couples in their 40s, it's because they've had heartbreaks and break ups and discovered and solved the problems that they had.

[mightycpa]

It does take time to permanently cement it, but I am fully committed to this new me, and i love it and i love my new view of the world. I never ever want to go back to how i used to be. Although I'm very down about my break up, i am much happier now, at least in regards to myself. I think that when you see those happy couples in their 40s, it's because they've had heartbreaks and break ups and discovered and solved the problems that they had.

You forgot the most important part. They're with somebody else, too.

[Simon Phoenix]

It does take time to permanently cement it, but I am fully committed to this new me, and i love it and i love my new view of the world. I never ever want to go back to how i used to be. Although I'm very down about my break up, i am much happier now, at least in regards to myself. I think that when you see those happy couples in their 40s, it's because they've had heartbreaks and break ups and discovered and solved the problems that they had.

 

I absolutely agree that breakups can be a great thing as far as evolving as a person, but two months is way too early to declare that you've changed. Your ex won't buy it either, so please don't try to sell it. What you have to do is continue to make that change settle to the point where you don't have to announce that change, that it'll just be readily apparent to all who look.

 

Either way, you need to actually detach from her and actually go real No Contact. Not the diet quasi No Contact that you've done.

[Mr Man]

I absolutely agree that breakups can be a great thing as far as evolving as a person, but two months is way too early to declare that you've changed. Your ex won't buy it either, so please don't try to sell it. What you have to do is continue to make that change settle to the point where you don't have to announce that change, that it'll just be readily apparent to all who look.

 

Either way, you need to actually detach from her and actually go real No Contact. Not the diet quasi No Contact that you've done.

 

Well maybe changed is too strong, but I'm definitely changing. I will not make the same mistakes i made in the past. But it doesn't matter as i don't get a chance to prove myself. I am not contacting her again, i have no reason to do so, the birthday gift was something we agreed to before i stopped talking to her. I just hate the false hope i can't shake off. Why did she have to tell me all that stuff about how she basically just wants me but needs time. She didn't explicitly say it but heavily implied it. If she had just told me it's over, it's not happening, i could move on, not easily of course, but I'd be able to look forward. Sometimes i feel like just asking her what she is going to do, but i know the answer will just be "I don't know". Because it is "I don't know", i really think she doesn't know if she wants to be with me or not. Even when we spoke before and i was being a needy whiny desperate beggar, she would still say she didn't know, and that was at the height of her disdain for me. I'm stuck on "I don't know" forever, no matter how much NC I do I'll still be wondering and waiting. It's impossible not to wait, even if you're not actively waiting, you're still waiting in the background. Anyway, my gut tells me she was probably expecting at least some sort of reply, so hopefully not replying sends a pretty strong message. I want to tell her that she can't just have me any time, she can't just spend months without me and then swan back into my life. But I have no idea how to convey that to her. I hate feeling like I'm just someones layaway item but I don't think i can ever get out of it because i genuinely want her.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well maybe changed is too strong, but I'm definitely changing. I will not make the same mistakes i made in the past. But it doesn't matter as i don't get a chance to prove myself. I am not contacting her again, i have no reason to do so, the birthday gift was something we agreed to before i stopped talking to her. I just hate the false hope i can't shake off. Why did she have to tell me all that stuff about how she basically just wants me but needs time. She didn't explicitly say it but heavily implied it. If she had just told me it's over, it's not happening, i could move on, not easily of course, but I'd be able to look forward. Sometimes i feel like just asking her what she is going to do, but i know the answer will just be "I don't know". Because it is "I don't know", i really think she doesn't know if she wants to be with me or not. Even when we spoke before and i was being a needy whiny desperate beggar, she would still say she didn't know, and that was at the height of her disdain for me. I'm stuck on "I don't know" forever, no matter how much NC I do I'll still be wondering and waiting. It's impossible not to wait, even if you're not actively waiting, you're still waiting in the background. Anyway, my gut tells me she was probably expecting at least some sort of reply, so hopefully not replying sends a pretty strong message. I want to tell her that she can't just have me any time, she can't just spend months without me and then swan back into my life. But I have no idea how to convey that to her. I hate feeling like I'm just someones layaway item but I don't think i can ever get out of it because i genuinely want her.

 

You tell that to her by telling her nothing. By moving forward. It's your job to move forward, it's her job to chase you down if necessary. And as far as what she said to you, she most likely said that to let you down easy and because it sounds nicer than say "GTFO".

 

I mean, you eventually won't wonder and wait as much, but you ACTUALLY HAVE TO GO NO CONTACT! Don't say that it will always be that way in No Contact, you haven't even been No Contact yet to even have any idea of how it will be!

 

You want to make changes? Then do it. But do it FOR YOU, not for her. Because doing it as a knee-jerk to try to get her back is a great way to sabotage it in the long run.

[Wuku]

It's all false hope, it's horrible, i just can't convince myself as hard as i try that she isn't coming back, to my subconscious its not if but when. And i hate it, my logical mind says If.

 

I know how you feel. I can't get my head round my ex not coming back either, and as the door seems to have been left slightly open, I don't know wether it's slim hope or false hope. But like you, I'll probably take slim hope over nothing. I would advocate LC personally, which is what I'm doing. We haven't had any contact whatsoever for 4 weeks, and Im quite proud I lasted that far. But I know I will contact her in a week or two, to see how she is and try to gauge the lay of the land. I think keeping a line of communication at least open is a good idea if you want a chance at reconciliation. Just give her time and space, don't harrass her, and if she reaches out to you, reply politely and in your own time, trying not to get to emotional. I don't see how ignoring her or completely shutting the door on her will be beneficial if your hoping to reconnect. Of course, if she makes it clear your not welcome anymore and there isn't a chance for you to get back together, or she just wants to be friends and you don't or can't, then go NC to help you heal.

Edited February 1, 2016 by Wuku

[Mr Man]

You tell that to her by telling her nothing. By moving forward. It's your job to move forward, it's her job to chase you down if necessary. And as far as what she said to you, she most likely said that to let you down easy and because it sounds nicer than say "GTFO".

 

I mean, you eventually won't wonder and wait as much, but you ACTUALLY HAVE TO GO NO CONTACT! Don't say that it will always be that way in No Contact, you haven't even been No Contact yet to even have any idea of how it will be!

 

You want to make changes? Then do it. But do it FOR YOU, not for her. Because doing it as a knee-jerk to try to get her back is a great way to sabotage it in the long run.

 

It was NC until the arrival of her gift, which was 3 weeks. And now it is again. So i know how it is. It sucks. I have made changes for me, not for her or us, but for me. And i feel better than ever about myself and who I am.The only thing that gets me is that all these changes would be amazing in a relationship but now i have no chance to demonstrate it.

 

 

 

I know how you feel. I can't get my head round my ex not coming back either, and as the door seems to have been left slightly open, I don't know wether it's slim hope or false hope. But like you, I'll probably take slim hope over nothing. I would advocate LC personally, which is what I'm doing. We haven't had any contact whatsoever for 4 weeks, and Im quite proud I lasted that far. But I know I will contact her in a week or two, to see how she is and try to gauge the lay of the land. I think keeping a line of communication at least open is a good idea if you want a chance at reconciliation. Just give her time and space, don't harrass her, and if she reaches out to you, reply politely and in your own time, trying not to get to emotional. I don't see how ignoring her or completely shutting the door on her will be beneficial if your hoping to reconnect. Of course, if she makes it clear your not welcome anymore and there isn't a chance for you to get back together, or she just wants to be friends and you don't or can't, then go NC to help you heal.

 

I don't see LC going anywhere. I'd probably just annoy her to the point where she stops talking and then the whole process starts over again. I've not even had breadcrumbs from her, just nothing at all. I'm pretty sure she is totally done. She doesn't even stalk my profiles anymore. The only way she's going to come back is if she actually plans to be with me in the future, and then realises I'm slipping away. Which i am to be honest. As hard as all this is, every day that goes by i want her back just a little bit less, and the more i view her with disdain. I mean if she doesn't want me, fine, okay, but at least have the guts to tell it to my face, don't leave me hanging like this. And if she does want me, then how disrespectful to someones feelings is it to just leave them waiting while they swan about having fun single and then think they can just pop back in any time. No. The longer this goes on the less likely I'll be to reconcile. I said before I will always want her, and i will deep down, but the more she continues to hurt me the less I'll be able to be with her.