Received FB message from dumper, how to respond?

January 31, 2016

Hi everyone. I have been a member of this forum for quite some time now but never posted or shared my story as I felt embarrassed to ask for advice. Long story short my relationship fell apart in 2007 and have been in no contact ever since. It always felt like we were stuck in a checkmate situation where we waited for the other one to make the first move.

I only recently felt like that I am moving on and have accepted the breakup to be permanent, when I foundnd message requests from my ex. The first one was saying that he hopes I am well and that he would like to bury the hatchet before he leaves for New Zealand. I wasn't aware of these messages and the last one was about a week ago and I am not sure if and how to respond to this message.

The FB message:

"What started as a glass of wine and friendly banter among friends, quickly turned into a deep and intimate philosophical discussion about past relationships, and the contribution that we have made that lead to its demise. The retrospection proved to be valuable and many of us have agreed that one should forgive and forget in order to live a humble and content life. I know I have made a lot of mistakes, more than I am willing to admit, but luckily life has given me a few more chances to prove my worth and it has been going great thus far. At first I thought it would be a futile exercise to reach out to people from the past, as I myself rarely would want to be contacted by someone whom I have no intent of being friends with.

However it was good to catch up with some of the exes and to know that we all have reached a certain level of indifference. It felt liberating and good; knowing that those people who formed an integral part in the formation of my being have found happiness and we were able to converse in a mature manner. Looking back at the past and view it as a learning experience as opposed to the bitter trap of resentment and hatred that many people fall into.

I had hoped that you and I would have reached the same level of understanding, but it seems this would be one luxury that life was not willing to bestow upon me. I am perfectly fine with that and know I have done my part in acknowledging my faults and take ownership of my actions. Therefore in closing I would like to wish you a happy and fruitful life, and to enjoy all the little adventures that life has to offer.

So herewith my final goodbye till the end of time."

Any ideas on how to respond? and is he simply reaching out to make amends and move on? or is he trying to get a reaction from me?

January 31, 2016

Do.Not.Respond.

He is trying to assuage guilt. There is no reason to acknowledge the message at all.

January 31, 2016

Holy drama llama.

This is ridiculous and I would not respond.

Keep moving on!

January 31, 2016

To me, that looks like he's doing it to feel better. He can't really be thinking of your feelings by sending you this message. It also seems like he did this on a spur of the moment thing, happy to free his soul of any feelings of guilt.

I had hoped that you and I would have reached the same level of understanding, but it seems this would be one luxury that life was not willing to bestow upon me. This part sounds like he is being passive aggressive and trying to make you feel guilty, as if it was only your fault that you two couldn't reach the "level of understanding"?

January 31, 2016

I had hoped that you and I would have reached the same level of understanding, but it seems this would be one luxury that life was not willing to bestow upon me. I am perfectly fine with that and know I have done my part in acknowledging my faults and take ownership of my actions. Therefore in closing I would like to wish you a happy and fruitful life, and to enjoy all the little adventures that life has to offer.

So herewith my final goodbye till the end of time."

What a pretentious d*uchcanoe, jesus.

I read this as, "I'm such a mature person; if only you could give me the luxury of your indifference, but alas, you're still hung up on the type of petty resentments that I pride myself for having gotten over, so I guess goodbye."

DO NOT reply to this message. There is no response measured or polite enough to convince him that you've moved on. Don't give him the benefit of thinking that he's somehow the bigger person here, because a bigger person wouldn't have written such a message in the first place.

I hope after he goes to New Zealand he finds himself on a rocket ship to Mars.

January 31, 2016

Any ideas on how to respond? and is he simply reaching out to make amends and move on? or is he trying to get a reaction from me?

He is only writing down his thoughts and sending them to you, hoping that you will answer along the same lines, go tive him closure.

If you're on the same page (forgiving a failed relationship) then answer him if you wish. If not, then don't.

January 31, 2016

Not very personal is it? It reads far too much like a well written generic message that he has probably sent to all his exes at once to me.

Give him nothing but the 'Seen at [time]' on his message status.

January 31, 2016

Reply "Lol" and block

Or yea, just ignore. Agree with everyone. Drama llama (lol!), pretentious, douchecanoe and all. He did this for himself and is trying to make you feel bad because he didn't get the response he wanted from you from the first message.

Also doesn't fb tell you when a message has been read? Didn't he see that you didn't even open his other messages? He could have just left it at that.

January 31, 2016

To me, that looks like he's doing it to feel better. He can't really be thinking of your feelings by sending you this message. It also seems like he did this on a spur of the moment thing, happy to free his soul of any feelings of guilt.

I had hoped that you and I would have reached the same level of understanding, but it seems this would be one luxury that life was not willing to bestow upon me. This part sounds like he is being passive aggressive and trying to make you feel guilty, as if it was only your fault that you two couldn't reach the "level of understanding"?

I think that was his response to me not answering his previous messages. I should probably mention that I emotionally cheated on my ex and was the reason why we broke up.

January 31, 2016

Btw does he usually talk like that?

I have an ex who, even after we parted, would always speak/write to me exactly in that manner and tone. It was his way of insinuating that he was far more mature and indifferent than me and to passive aggressively put me down.

Felt like a blast from the past reading that.

January 31, 2016

I think that was his response to me not answering his previous messages. I should probably mention that I emotionally cheated on my ex and was the reason why we broke up.

It's been years so I personally don't think that changes anything, but others might feel differently.

If you feel that you owe him closure, then maybe give him that. But that doesn't necessarily mean he'll get it.

Still, that message is very off-putting and doesn't feel like he was doing it for closure, but to get a reaction.

January 31, 2016

Easy. Don't.

January 31, 2016

Btw does he usually talk like that?

I have an ex who, even after we parted, would always speak/write to me exactly in that manner and tone. It was his way of insinuating that he was far more mature and indifferent than me and to passive aggressively put me down.

Felt like a blast from the past reading that.

He is very well spoken but the passive aggressive is definitely a new for him.

January 31, 2016

I think that was his response to me not answering his previous messages. I should probably mention that I emotionally cheated on my ex and was the reason why we broke up.

Whoa. Everyone on here is blasting your ex, but I don't think it's that simple at all here.

There are relevant details missing, but this is what I am picking up so far:

1. You emotionally cheated on your ex. And so he broke up with you.

2. He has tried several times (maybe more) over the years to reach out to you. You ignored it.

3. Despite 1. and 2. above: You were the one struggling to get past it.

4. Honestly, he seems to me to have been struggling to get over you too. As you ignored all his other efforts for closure, he sends you this message. Rather awkwardly worded perhaps, but am I the only one here who senses sadness on his part for how things turned out?

So I don't feel this guy is all in the wrong by any means. I am actually wondering why you chose to handle things as you did. Meanwhile, missing relevant details include what was your relationship with him before you cheated emotionally, and if you struggled to get over him, why did you cheat on him and then ignore him after.

Edited January 31, 2016 by Imajerk17

January 31, 2016

"What started as a glass of wine and friendly banter among friends, quickly turned into a deep and intimate philosophical discussion about past relationships, and the contribution that we have made that lead to its demise. The retrospection proved to be valuable and many of us have agreed that one should forgive and forget in order to live a humble and content life. I know I have made a lot of mistakes, more than I am willing to admit, but luckily life has given me a few more chances to prove my worth and it has been going great thus far. At first I thought it would be a futile exercise to reach out to people from the past, as I myself rarely would want to be contacted by someone whom I have no intent of being friends with.

However it was good to catch up with some of the exes and to know that we all have reached a certain level of indifference. It felt liberating and good; knowing that those people who formed an integral part in the formation of my being have found happiness and we were able to converse in a mature manner. Looking back at the past and view it as a learning experience as opposed to the bitter trap of resentment and hatred that many people fall into.

I had hoped that you and I would have reached the same level of understanding, but it seems this would be one luxury that life was not willing to bestow upon me. I am perfectly fine with that and know I have done my part in acknowledging my faults and take ownership of my actions. Therefore in closing I would like to wish you a happy and fruitful life, and to enjoy all the little adventures that life has to offer.

So herewith my final goodbye till the end of time."

Sorry but I am all for your ex on this one. He seems to be more in touch with reality and clearly has grown a lot as an individual if he was willing to forgive and forget. I think there is more to this story than you are willing to disclose.

January 31, 2016

I still don't think this warrants a response, unless YOU feel like you need to explain something to him. If you're thinking of a way to respond to him that will sound good to him, don't.

This is so backhanded. First, the overly-formal speak is grating. He could just say, "hey, I acknowledge my part in what happened, thought it'd be nice to try and come to a bit of an understanding, but if you're not into it, that's cool, too."

Instead he's basically saying, "I don't actually think it would do any good to reach out to you, but I've reached out to other exes, and find that they could give two s***s about me anymore, so I feel assuaged of my bad feelings. I've thusly made such herculean efforts to reach out to you, my most hardened foe, in the futile hopes that your blase attitude will also release me from the final vestiges of guilt and regret. However, you're not responding, so I guess you're just not as mature as all the other women I've dated, who are much, much, much more mature, like me. Oh well, I tried, you can't blame me."

I mean, respond if you WANT to, but if I were you I'd probably print it out and look at it whenever I needed a good chuckle.

January 31, 2016

Ha, just reading over the couple of posts previous to mine. It's so interesting how everyone reads this differently.

I dunno, maybe my response is a bit harsh, and I'm not at all saying he's all in the wrong or OP is, I just think the way he's going about it is quite ham-fisted.

Regardless, more details would be nice.

January 31, 2016

Whoa. Everyone on here is blasting your ex, but I don't think it's that simple at all here.

There are relevant details missing, but this is what I am picking up so far:

1. You emotionally cheated on your ex. And so he broke up with you.

2. He has tried several times (maybe more) over the years to reach out to you. You ignored it.

3. Despite 1. and 2. above: You were the one struggling to get past it.

4. Honestly, he seems to me to have been struggling to get over you too. As you ignored all his other efforts for closure, he sends you this message. Rather awkwardly worded perhaps, but am I the only one here who senses sadness on his part for how things turned out?

So I don't feel this guy is all in the wrong by any means. I am actually wondering why you chose to handle things as you did. Meanwhile, missing relevant details include what was your relationship with him before you cheated emotionally, and if you struggled to get over him, why did you cheat on him and then ignore him after.

I moved to Sydney in 2007 with my best friend and we stayed with her half-brother(my ex). Life was amazing and so was the relationship. We got to travel the world, went on cooking lessons, he taught me how to play the piano and everything was just perfect. I then had a falling out with my best friend and things got awkward between everyone and then our relationship took some strain. I then started chatting to a guy from class asking for advice and support. One thing led to another and my ex moved out and never heard from him again.

His first messages was in December 2015. He simply said that he is reaching out to all his exes to simply catch up, no hard feelings from his part.

January 31, 2016

I moved to Sydney in 2007 with my best friend and we stayed with her half-brother(my ex). Life was amazing and so was the relationship. We got to travel the world, went on cooking lessons, he taught me how to play the piano and everything was just perfect. I then had a falling out with my best friend and things got awkward between everyone and then our relationship took some strain. I then started chatting to a guy from class asking for advice and support. One thing led to another and my ex moved out and never heard from him again.

His first messages was in December 2015. He simply said that he is reaching out to all his exes to simply catch up, no hard feelings from his part.

Is he dating someone else at the moment?

January 31, 2016

He is married with kids

January 31, 2016

4. Honestly, he seems to me to have been struggling to get over you too. As you ignored all his other efforts for closure, he sends you this message. Rather awkwardly worded perhaps, but am I the only one here who senses sadness on his part for how things turned out?

I agree. Knowing only a dew details it's impossible to know what's really going on, but off the cuff he just sounds like a bit of a douche who also happens to be sad or regretful or whatever. Thing is, being a douche doesn't mean you forfeit your humanity.

January 31, 2016

I wouldn't respond. That message is very self-serving. He sent it for himself, and it has little to do with you. I agree with the others that the message sounds almost like a template that he sent out to other exes, and he just inserted your name. He is mainly trying to lessen his guilt, bad feelings, regret, or whatever other emotions he has attached to this relationship. He needs you to answer that you don't hate him and are happily moved on, so he can feel okay about himself.

He probably isn't doing all of this maliciously, and it might be completely subconscious. But my, oh my, 9 years later, and he's writing this type of message. He's really trying to use you (and apparently other exes) to remind himself that he's a good guy. If he can be on good terms with all his exes, he must be okay right? A lot of people have that misguided notion.

The truth is that breakups aren't nice, and there are bound to be some residual bad feelings on both sides. That's okay and normal. It's a discomfort that we live with. It usually lessens over time as we move on, but, sometimes, you're just not going to be on really good terms with everyone. You might simply be on no terms with some people, and that's okay too.

January 31, 2016

I wouldn't respond. That message is very self-serving. He sent it for himself, and it has little to do with you. I agree with the others that the message sounds almost like a template that he sent out to other exes, and he just inserted your name. He is mainly trying to lessen his guilt, bad feelings, regret, or whatever other emotions he has attached to this relationship. He needs you to answer that you don't hate him and are happily moved on, so he can feel okay about himself.

He probably isn't doing all of this maliciously, and it might be completely subconscious. But my, oh my, 9 years later, and he's writing this type of message. He's really trying to use you (and apparently other exes) to remind himself that he's a good guy. If he can be on good terms with all his exes, he must be okay right? A lot of people have that misguided notion.

The truth is that breakups aren't nice, and there are bound to be some residual bad feelings on both sides. That's okay and normal. It's a discomfort that we live with. It usually lessens over time as we move on, but, sometimes, you're just not going to be on really good terms with everyone. You might simply be on no terms with some people, and that's okay too.

Especially if he's married with kids. God, at that point you wouldn't expect it to matter all that much anymore. Relationships fail and fall apart. That's life sometimes.

January 31, 2016

I have done the same recently and it was the best decision I have ever made. NC in itself can prohibit you from fully moving on as you are constantly aware of maintaining it. He simply got his closure and moved on just by breaking NC and sending the message.

January 31, 2016

Hi everyone. I have been a member of this forum for quite some time now but never posted or shared my story as I felt embarrassed to ask for advice. Long story short my relationship fell apart in 2007 and have been in no contact ever since. It always felt like we were stuck in a checkmate situation where we waited for the other one to make the first move.

I only recently felt like that I am moving on and have accepted the breakup to be permanent, when I foundnd message requests from my ex. The first one was saying that he hopes I am well and that he would like to bury the hatchet before he leaves for New Zealand. I wasn't aware of these messages and the last one was about a week ago and I am not sure if and how to respond to this message.

The FB message:

"What started as a glass of wine and friendly banter among friends, quickly turned into a deep and intimate philosophical discussion about past relationships, and the contribution that we have made that lead to its demise. The retrospection proved to be valuable and many of us have agreed that one should forgive and forget in order to live a humble and content life. I know I have made a lot of mistakes, more than I am willing to admit, but luckily life has given me a few more chances to prove my worth and it has been going great thus far. At first I thought it would be a futile exercise to reach out to people from the past, as I myself rarely would want to be contacted by someone whom I have no intent of being friends with.

However it was good to catch up with some of the exes and to know that we all have reached a certain level of indifference. It felt liberating and good; knowing that those people who formed an integral part in the formation of my being have found happiness and we were able to converse in a mature manner. Looking back at the past and view it as a learning experience as opposed to the bitter trap of resentment and hatred that many people fall into.

I had hoped that you and I would have reached the same level of understanding, but it seems this would be one luxury that life was not willing to bestow upon me. I am perfectly fine with that and know I have done my part in acknowledging my faults and take ownership of my actions. Therefore in closing I would like to wish you a happy and fruitful life, and to enjoy all the little adventures that life has to offer.

So herewith my final goodbye till the end of time."

Any ideas on how to respond? and is he simply reaching out to make amends and move on? or is he trying to get a reaction from me?

I would actually write back. I'd say this:

Thanks for your note. It sounds like you're working on Step 9. I'm so proud of you, that's a lot of progress. Good luck, I know it's a struggle.

Then block his ass.

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