I think he forgot my birthday

February 1, 2016

J0cyln,

Let's get this straight;

You told him that Birthdays were important to you.

Yet he twice made vague plans and then didn't follow through.

Big Red Flags.

Forget about his (apparently) hectic lifestyle, that's his problem.

This is all about building trust and reliability. If he can't be relied on to do small things then how can he be trusted on to do other, more important things?

I would be very wary. Please tread carefully and keep your eyes & ears open.

Good luck.

This is where I'm torn and feel like I couldn't count on him, that he really let me down

Yet, I also feel like it's unfair and selfish to think that how busy and stressed he has been is his problem. That's not love to me, but we can agree to disagree. It's not like it's a lifestyle, like you say, but just how things turned out this month.

I'm still peeved about what happened, but trying to be more understanding at the same time.

February 1, 2016

Oooh, I don't like this. First, he said he has a whole day planned for you (after you asking if anything's gonna happen that day) and then he said said he had to postpone it (after you reminding that something was supposed to happen). A polite and thoughtful thing to do would be to let you know at least the night before, that the plans had changed and need to wait until the next week, then wish you a happy birthday on your actual bday morning (knowing it's important to you). Seems to me, that he had nothing planned and came up with a way to get out of the situation, cause otherwise you wouldn't need to ask again.
Maybe he will redeem himself next week, but I would have this bitter feeling about the whole situation.

Yes, bitter is the word.

I'm trying to stay positive though and give him the benefit of the doubt. Even if he had nothing planned or it slipped his mind or whatever, what matters to me is that he redeems himself. What really happened will come out sooner or later. He's never been able to hide anything from me lol

February 1, 2016

For those asking, there isn't much to update. We didn't get to talk much today since we were both with family. He was still sorry about what happened and said he didn't expect it to get me so down since we were still on for Saturday. He said he did call me at midnight, but it went straight to voicemail and he passed out right after. This is possible since I forgot to plug my phone in, but doesn't matter now, what's done is done.

February 1, 2016

Okay so I'm going to wait it out and see what happens on Saturday.

My question is, do I bring it up during the week or keep quiet and wait? I'm thinking the latter. I'm going to start feeling like a loser if I have to remind him again.

February 1, 2016

Okay so I'm going to wait it out and see what happens on Saturday.

My question is, do I bring it up during the week or keep quiet and wait? I'm thinking the latter. I'm going to start feeling like a loser if I have to remind him again.

I'd say don't even mention it during the week. If last weekend was really just his clumsiness, asking and reminding will just kill his enthusiam, and if he really doesn't care, not reminding him will also benefit you - at least you'll find out if he was bsing you. Has he planned "a day full of surprises" for you, there's no way he'll forget.

February 1, 2016

OK, I'm confused, what has he planned for Saturday?

February 1, 2016

Sorry to be blunt but this guy is a real douche. I wonder why none of the other posters mentioned this. Forgetting your girlfriend's birthday after she mentioned it to you is a real no-go. A short text would have been minimum courtesy. Imagine treating familly members like that. I don't know about yours but mine wouldn't give a crap if I invited them to the maldives to make up for it.

February 1, 2016

I would be really upset if someone told me we had plans for my birthday and then they changed them without even letting me know. And on top didn't say best wishes! I don't need the world to revolve around me on my birthday, but I definitely appreciate a text / call / card whatever.

I think it's ok to be upset OP. Is this a one off slip up or is your boyfriend usually flaky like this?

February 1, 2016

OK, I'm confused, what has he planned for Saturday?

I don't know. He didn't tell me. In my first post he said he'd make it up to me on Saturday, but didn't give me details.

February 1, 2016

Sorry to be blunt but this guy is a real douche. I wonder why none of the other posters mentioned this. Forgetting your girlfriend's birthday after she mentioned it to you is a real no-go. A short text would have been minimum courtesy. Imagine treating familly members like that. I don't know about yours but mine wouldn't give a crap if I invited them to the maldives to make up for it.

Probably because birthdays aren't a big thing for everyone and he said he'd make it up. Not like he outright forgot without so much as an apology.

He's not a real douche. That's a bit of a stretch from this one mistake. He's a great guy in all other respects of our relationship.

Actually my sisters and dad wouldn't care. Birthdays aren't big for them and is just another day. My mom and brother on the other hand.........

Just curious, if the same happened to your family, what does that mean? That they won't forgive you if you forgot? Serious question because that sounds ridiculous to me that they wouldn't at least let you make it up to them. As though you're not allowed to make a mistake.

Edited February 1, 2016 by j0celyn

February 1, 2016

I would be really upset if someone told me we had plans for my birthday and then they changed them without even letting me know. And on top didn't say best wishes! I don't need the world to revolve around me on my birthday, but I definitely appreciate a text / call / card whatever.

I think it's ok to be upset OP. Is this a one off slip up or is your boyfriend usually flaky like this?

Thanks, I was very, very upset over it.

Now I'm starting to kinda get over it, but I'm still a bit down and, frankly, nervous that he won't pull through. I am trying to trust and stay positive.

It is difficult though because it's not about my birthday anymore. It's now about whether he can keep his word about something that is important to me.

February 1, 2016

I'd say don't even mention it during the week. If last weekend was really just his clumsiness, asking and reminding will just kill his enthusiam, and if he really doesn't care, not reminding him will also benefit you - at least you'll find out if he was bsing you. Has he planned "a day full of surprises" for you, there's no way he'll forget.

I agree. It's so hard! It's only Monday and I keep wanting to ask, is it really going to happen? Are you sure? Are you going to forget again?

But there's no way find out if he was BSing or if he can keep his word if I ask him about it.

Now I realize I am kinda testing him. That doesn't make me feel too good, but he kinda asked for it, right?

February 2, 2016

What is important in a relationship is that you guys show each other how you feel. If he cares very deeply and shows you that on an ongoing basis, that's what's important.

With that as the larger context, you could still be bothered by specific things he does on a number of individual occasions, but find it easy to forgive him.

If, on the other hand, he's not very good at showing how much he cares, then this is a reminder of that. But in that case, the real problem isn't the current individual event. The real problem is the general lack of a consistent demonstration of how much he cares.

If he has an erratic job, has to do something as nerve racking as presentations, and has a 5 year old kid, his mind may just be all over the place. If amongst that, he can still make the mental space and time to show you that he cares deeply about you on a regular basis, I would look at that as the bigger picture here.

What he did doesn't seem real good, but it shouldn't distract you from the bigger picture. Either the bigger picture is great and that's what really matters. Or the bigger picture also has problems, and that's what really matters. The individual thing here sucks. But don't dwell on it, use it to take the opportunity to reflect on the bigger picture and put the individual thing in context. If you put this individual thing in context with the bigger picture, that will either help you get over this individual thing. Or, maybe putting the individual thing in context with the bigger picture will draw attention to a lot of similar problems and patterns. Either way, focusing on how you feel about the relationship as a whole will help you figure out how this individual thing fits in, how to deal with it, and how to react to it.

.

February 2, 2016

I agree. It's so hard! It's only Monday and I keep wanting to ask, is it really going to happen? Are you sure? Are you going to forget again?

But there's no way find out if he was BSing or if he can keep his word if I ask him about it.

Now I realize I am kinda testing him. That doesn't make me feel too good, but he kinda asked for it, right?

The beginning of every relationship is one big test anyway. We are all testing our partners in one way or another to find out if they are what we're looking for. So I don't think you should feel bad about it. To wait and see how it's gonna turn out is just a natural thing to do in your situation. Don't ruin a good chance to find out how he's handle this situation by asking questions and giving reminders.

February 2, 2016

Sorry this happened to you. I haven't read all the replies, but you're not overreacting. He should know. Especially since it's your first birthday that you're together. If it was me, I would be planning stuff weeks ahead and often think about it; where to go, things you love, gifts, etc.

My own birthday is not a big deal to me at all, but my girlfriend's would be.

February 3, 2016

Has he said anything about it since? I have a hard time thinking that he honesty forgot about things.

February 3, 2016

Am I overreacting for being upset that my boyfriend didn't do anything for my birthday?

Birthday was yesterday, Saturday. It is our first birthday together after dating for 11 months. Two weeks ago I reminded him that birthdays are really special to me and that I'd really like to spend the day together.

By Wednesday he still hadn't mentioned anything, so I asked what we were doing. He said it was going to be special and that he had a day full of surprises for me.

I think he forgot.

He texted me good morning yesterday but no happy birthday or anything. I asked him where he was, thinking he was on his way to pick me up. He said he was on his way to work.

I asked if we were still celebrating and he said "I'm so sorry, I have to work today. I have something planned for next Saturday, okay?"

I ended up going out with friends (who actually already celebrated with me the night before) but the whole thing kinda killed my day.

I understand that he had to work. He works some Saturday's but promised he would take the day off. Plus he could have let me know ahead of time.

So I really think he just forgot.

I dont feel very special right now and dont feel like he really cares about me. It's not even the whole birthday thing. It's that he knows it's very important to me and it's like he just forgot. I am trying to be understanding and not chew his ass about it but I feel hurt.

What do you guys think? Jerk move or give him a pass and let him make it up to me?

I'm not a big birthday person, but I would be really bothered that my boyfriend of 11 months didn't even acknowledge my birthday.

I mean, let's play this out. He obviously knows when your birthday is, knows most people do something special/buy a gift, etc. for birthdays. And you explicitly told him two weeks prior -- to remind him -- that your birthday was really special to you. And three days prior to your birthday he told you it was going to be special and he had a day full of surprises planned for you.

And he did nothing. Not even a "Happy Birthday" text message. Not a gift. No plans. Nothing.

Ugh.

I would be so hurt. Get ready for a lifetime of this if you stay with him.

And this whole "I have something planned for next Saturday" seems like a total cop out. I'll be hugely curious to see what he does for you, if anything. My guess is nothing.

How is your relationship otherwise?

February 3, 2016

I agree. It's so hard! It's only Monday and I keep wanting to ask, is it really going to happen? Are you sure? Are you going to forget again?

But there's no way find out if he was BSing or if he can keep his word if I ask him about it.

Now I realize I am kinda testing him. That doesn't make me feel too good, but he kinda asked for it, right?

Yes, he asked for it since he told you on Wednesday -- three days before your birthday -- that he had something special planned and a day full of surprises -- and then did absolutely nothing.

It is a test, in my opinion. I'm curious to see if he follows through. Have you seen him this week? Has he given you a birthday gift?

February 3, 2016

I hate that this happened to you as well. It sucks. My first reaction, when I read this, was "how could he have planned a day full of surprises and then forget?" I don't know. I hate to be like this, but something isn't lining up. Ugh. What a horrible feeling. I'm so sorry, OP.

February 3, 2016

I hate that this happened to you as well. It sucks. My first reaction, when I read this, was "how could he have planned a day full of surprises and then forget?" I don't know. I hate to be like this, but something isn't lining up. Ugh. What a horrible feeling. I'm so sorry, OP.

Thanks, this was how I felt too. Now that a few days have gone by, I'm in a more level-headed place. It's not even really whether he forgot, but if he can rectify a big mistake.

February 3, 2016

I'm not a big birthday person, but I would be really bothered that my boyfriend of 11 months didn't even acknowledge my birthday.

I mean, let's play this out. He obviously knows when your birthday is, knows most people do something special/buy a gift, etc. for birthdays. And you explicitly told him two weeks prior -- to remind him -- that your birthday was really special to you. And three days prior to your birthday he told you it was going to be special and he had a day full of surprises planned for you.

And he did nothing. Not even a "Happy Birthday" text message. Not a gift. No plans. Nothing.

Ugh.

I would be so hurt. Get ready for a lifetime of this if you stay with him.

And this whole "I have something planned for next Saturday" seems like a total cop out. I'll be hugely curious to see what he does for you, if anything. My guess is nothing.

How is your relationship otherwise?

Yes I was very hurt. The bold part is a little premature though. In another post I said our relationship is great otherwise, so he gets a pass for this one, especially since he is/has been going through a lot of unexpected stress right now. He has remembered other special events in my and my family and friends' lives without prompting and I can't discount that. I also previously mentioned that he did call at midnight, but my phone had died.

At this point I don't really care if Saturday is a cop out. I'd be more hurt if he didn't even try.

February 3, 2016

What is important in a relationship is that you guys show each other how you feel. If he cares very deeply and shows you that on an ongoing basis, that's what's important.

With that as the larger context, you could still be bothered by specific things he does on a number of individual occasions, but find it easy to forgive him.

If, on the other hand, he's not very good at showing how much he cares, then this is a reminder of that. But in that case, the real problem isn't the current individual event. The real problem is the general lack of a consistent demonstration of how much he cares.

If he has an erratic job, has to do something as nerve racking as presentations, and has a 5 year old kid, his mind may just be all over the place. If amongst that, he can still make the mental space and time to show you that he cares deeply about you on a regular basis, I would look at that as the bigger picture here.

What he did doesn't seem real good, but it shouldn't distract you from the bigger picture. Either the bigger picture is great and that's what really matters. Or the bigger picture also has problems, and that's what really matters. The individual thing here sucks. But don't dwell on it, use it to take the opportunity to reflect on the bigger picture and put the individual thing in context. If you put this individual thing in context with the bigger picture, that will either help you get over this individual thing. Or, maybe putting the individual thing in context with the bigger picture will draw attention to a lot of similar problems and patterns. Either way, focusing on how you feel about the relationship as a whole will help you figure out how this individual thing fits in, how to deal with it, and how to react to it.

.

Thank you for this. I did forget the big picture for a moment because I was so upset, but it also showed me that these are the things I have to remember always and to not dwell on isolated events. Thank you. I am saving your post

February 3, 2016

Has he said anything about it since? I have a hard time thinking that he honesty forgot about things.

Yes, he asked for it since he told you on Wednesday -- three days before your birthday -- that he had something special planned and a day full of surprises -- and then did absolutely nothing.

It is a test, in my opinion. I'm curious to see if he follows through. Have you seen him this week? Has he given you a birthday gift?

No I haven't seen him. I have been out of town on business. We've been talking a lot though and I can tell he feels really bad, especially when he asked about what my friends and I did and how my family and I celebrated.

February 7, 2016

Any update, OP? What happened this Saturday?

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I think he forgot my birthday

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