Nightwriter Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 I had an almost three year relationship with a woman and while we had our ups and downs, we always made a point to talk through things and communicate. But at the end, she met someone behind my back and left me for him. Months later. we hadn't had much communication but I did write to her late last year basically telling her, not in an emotional way, that what she did was everything she ever stood against. She stressed the importance of trust and and openness and yet she broke it. I asked her, again not in a mean way, "Is this who you are? It's not the person I knew. I think that ethical person I knew is still there." Her reply to the letter was very cold, saying don't ever communicate with me again and basically blocked me from everything, not willing to acknowledge her faults or show any remorse. It's like she suddenly became some movie villain. When we were together, she used to feel guilt about different things she did, but this big thing she did against me, nothing. It's not the woman I thought I knew. Maybe she is feeling guilty internally but needs to justify continuing her relationship with the guy so she is suppressing it. I don't know. As I look back, it almost seems like I entered some sort of Twilight Zone after the break-up. This cold, unremorseful side of her never showed up when we were together, at least to me. Has anyone else felt that way about their ex? That even after years of knowing a person, they either changed or showed their true colors after a break-up? People have told me, "Be glad you didn't marry her" (I was ready to propose to her before this guy popped in the picture). But then I say, if it took almost three years, that's still too long to find this dark side of a person. I've started recently to see someone new. She seems very sweet and nice, but I am now extra cautious that she isn't some maniac inside too. But I don't want to wait years to find out. And I have to say, it sucks to even think this way. I want to believe in the best of people, but when someone you trusted for years broke it and remains unrepentant, it makes you much more cynical.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 I also had an ex who had an affair. He and I were together for 7.5 years, lived together for 6.5. We were growing in different directions, in retrospect. But I still was floored when I discovered my suspicions of him stepping out were correct. I can honestly say he feels like a stranger to me now, not only because we aren't in contact at all anymore but also because it seemed so out of character for him too. Discovering his infidelity changed my perception of him and certainly tainted the history we'd shared. Of course, we had some good times but knowing what I know now, it seems like he was a different person then. The silver lining is that I used that knowledge to propel me forward in healing. I was determined not to let that dark chapter steal my happiness; no way was i about to give him that much power! It's now been 4 years since that break-up and we have zero contact today. I live on the other side of the world, though I heard through a mutual friend that my ex has since married and had a child with his affair partner. And you know what? It doesn't faze me. He's someone I used to know, not someone who holds any importance in my life today. You'll get there too, OP.
jen1447 Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 That's a fairly unique insight of sth that's ultimately not that uncommon, imo. Even if exes don't change outwardly, the fact that one minute they were trusted and the next minute they're not (usually with good reason) can make them seem like imposters, or even 'monsters,' or just plain someone you don't - and didn't - even know. That's alarming bc at one point you trusted them and they were about as close as a person can get. So someone you didn't really know was as close as a person can get - major disconnect and disillusion and disorientation. The ppl who have real courage do go on to trust others despite having gone thru that btw. They take the lesson that life is full of risks that can't be avoided if you want to live it fully, not that playing it safe is the only option. So in your case, if you're that guy, deliberately set aside your caution and trust your new GF anyway. The worst thing than can happen will be something that you already survived once before, and the best will be that she enriches your life in a way that only love and companionship can.
smudge21 Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 A line I read here many years ago always summed up my ex from back then: I don't miss her, I miss the person I thought she was Seriously I look back on that whole situation and can't believe that I fell for her, loved her, wanted to be with her forever. I guess when we're love we change ourselves or hide away some of our darker sides. Come a break up, all that comes out and the truth is revealed.
DrMario Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 I have been cheated on in most of my relationships, I take pride in the fact that I have never and could never cheat on anybody let alone look at anybody else while I'm with somebody, my last ex didn't cheat on me or leave with the motive of being with another person but it's definitely a struggle to see her as the person she once was, I have to look at her twice through hazy eyes to make sure I'm stood in front of the same woman. This was a woman who once told me I was her world and tightly wrapped me up in her arms as she told me she could never let me go ,but now she's the woman who pushed me away and cut me off without so much as a goodbye, I don't hold that against her but that's how it ended unfortunately and it honestly scares me that somebody may do this to me again one day.
mightycpa Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 I once dated someone for a little over three years. She was really great, and we were even talking about marriage. Then I met someone and within a few weeks, I left her. I notice you didn't say you got cheated on...others have leapt to that conclusion, and maybe it's true, but you didn't say that. You said that she met someone behind your back and she left you. My experience with people is that if they get cheated on, they say it very forthrightly. I'm not sure how you meet someone behind somebody's back, unless she was set up on a date, or went looking for your replacement online. But if she just met someone and there was a spark and she left you to be with him, then I have to object to your interpretation that she did something wrong. The unethical thing to do is to stick with one person when you have strong feelings for another. The stand up thing to do is to let the old one go. So which is it? Did she just find someone else, and you think this is treachery? Or did she get involved with the new one, and then dumped you? I think it makes a difference, and that's why she had that response. So I thought I'd ask.
Author Nightwriter Posted January 31, 2016 Author Posted January 31, 2016 She did cheat on me. They met at an event, he asked her number, and she dated him behind my back until she finally confessed and left me for him. I had my own opportunities, but never went down that road with any woman. If you believe in monogamy, and I know not everyone does, but if you do, then you know you will always find attraction with other people to some degree even without looking, but it's how you deal with it that defines who you are. 1
mightycpa Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 She did cheat on me. They met at an event, he asked her number, and she dated him behind my back until she finally confessed and left me for him. I had my own opportunities, but never went down that road with any woman. If you believe in monogamy, and I know not everyone does, but if you do, then you know you will always find attraction with other people to some degree even without looking, but it's how you deal with it that defines who you are. Had it been a while ago, that other guy could have been me. If it is any consolation at all, I ended up marrying her, and she's living happily ever after. If you really love her, then you probably want that for her, even if it's not with you. That said, I've been you too. I know, it sucks.
Author Nightwriter Posted January 31, 2016 Author Posted January 31, 2016 That's a fairly unique insight of sth that's ultimately not that uncommon, imo. Even if exes don't change outwardly, the fact that one minute they were trusted and the next minute they're not (usually with good reason) can make them seem like imposters, or even 'monsters,' or just plain someone you don't - and didn't - even know. That's alarming bc at one point you trusted them and they were about as close as a person can get. So someone you didn't really know was as close as a person can get - major disconnect and disillusion and disorientation. The ppl who have real courage do go on to trust others despite having gone thru that btw. They take the lesson that life is full of risks that can't be avoided if you want to live it fully, not that playing it safe is the only option. So in your case, if you're that guy, deliberately set aside your caution and trust your new GF anyway. The worst thing than can happen will be something that you already survived once before, and the best will be that she enriches your life in a way that only love and companionship can. Some level of caution is appropriate to a start of a new relationship. I am not being antagonistic to her and questioning her every move, but will be somewhat slow to open up until trust is built. But one thing you said, "The worst thing than can happen will be something that you already survived once before". Just because a person survives this does not mean it's something we ever want to experience again. When it happened, that was literally the lowest and most hopeless point in my life. There are some people who are natural cynics and some who become bitter because of things other people did to them. We can say, just dust yourself up and move on, but this type of damage is deep and having gone through it, I can empathize with others who are in the midst of it.
mg4514 Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 My friend, I don't have the answer WHY this phenomenon happens, but I can tell you it's not all that unusual. I'm 44 years old, and through the years I have had my share of relationships. What you have described has happened to me exactly three times. I know what you're feeling, right down to the tee. You feel like, no matter how long you knew someone, no matter how much intimacy you shared, you NEVER truly know someone. People have a way of turning into something you never thought possible. I call it the chameleon effect-but that's just me. In any event, I bet what you're feeling now is best described as betrayed. Not because she cheated (which in this case is not a stretch) you feel betrayed because she garnered your trust by using all the magical words/phrases that made you believe she was something she was not. In my experience, the way I cope, I simply have to tell myself: Fool me once shame on you - Fool me twice shame on me.
jen1447 Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Some level of caution is appropriate to a start of a new relationship. I am not being antagonistic to her and questioning her every move, but will be somewhat slow to open up until trust is built. But one thing you said, "The worst thing than can happen will be something that you already survived once before". Just because a person survives this does not mean it's something we ever want to experience again. When it happened, that was literally the lowest and most hopeless point in my life. There are some people who are natural cynics and some who become bitter because of things other people did to them. We can say, just dust yourself up and move on, but this type of damage is deep and having gone through it, I can empathize with others who are in the midst of it. No one's had it worse than me, and I'm still coming from that perspective.
RandomTraveller Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 This was a woman who once told me I was her world and tightly wrapped me up in her arms as she told me she could never let me go ,but now she's the woman who pushed me away and cut me off without so much as a goodbye, I don't hold that against her but that's how it ended unfortunately and it honestly scares me that somebody may do this to me again one day. Exactly that's the worst part. I feel the same and she told me the same exact things when we were still together. Anyway if you think twice in that "I could never let you go" you will understand that is kinda childish. I honestly don't think that a RS can last forever.
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