Harry786 Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. Me and my girlfriend of about 4 months broke up on Jan 17 after a big fight (over a trivial matter she blew out of proportion) followed by my failed attempts at reconciliation. She had been giving me the cold shoulder for almost a week and I tried talking about it with her as gently as I could. But all she would ever say is "I don't know what I'm doing.". I finally suggested that we part our ways, take our times, and if destiny has it, we'll meet again at a later time. That same evening she pleaded that we remain friends. I didn't want to but I finally agreed. I simply couldn't see her so sad. I soon realized what a big mistake this was. It was quite hard for me to be 'just friend'. What was even harder was that she was taking me for granted. I was still there to listen to her, to support her. But whenever I called her, messaged her, she would simply ignore. I didn't try contacting her for two days, and neither did she. I realized she was completely taking me for granted and I was just disrespecting myself by trying to help her. On Jan 26, I decided I should go No contact to heal myself and also to maker her see my value perhaps. I wrote her a letter that noon telling her that this friend thing isn't working. That I need time for myself. That its better for both of us to simply move on. I also apologized for a few hurtful things from my side. The letter was written in good spirit, without any blaming direct or indirect. She took it well at first and replied in equally good spirit. But that same night, she said tears roll down her cheeks every time she reads the letter. I didn't reply back, sticking to my No Contact plan. What has been going on in the last few days is - she blocked and then unblocked me on whatsapp. Then put a profile pic clearly directed at me (saying something about people who change relations like clothes), The night before the last one , she called me twice. I didn't pick. She msged me then saying she thought I 'too' wanted to talk. I stuck to my no contact plan. Then last night I got an angry message from her saying she is loving the way I'm hurting her. She accused me of removing her pics from my Fb timeline. The truth is the pics are still there. I sent her a screenshot of the my timeline (yup, guilty of breaking the no contact rule) and told her to think before reacting and to understand that I am trying to move on and not ignoring her out of any resentful feelings. This morning she sent two more angry msgs, accusing me of being just like other boys. being selfish. She even accused me of other girls being interested in me (WTF!). I don't know if that's a covert way of her to accuse me of cheating or what. I haven't replied to her. I admit at first I felt hurt a lot that despite having given my everything during the relation, I am being seen this way. I felt a strong urge to clarify things but then I stopped myself as I know anything I say, she will twist it into something else. Some more info. The first two months were quite good but then I began noticing certain weird aspects of her personality. Firstly, she would never use the word 'bf', 'gf', 'love' or any other word that seemed to suggest some sort of commitment. She seemed like a mild commitment phobe. Second, talking about our relation was big no-no. Whenever I wanted to have a discussion of our relation she would simply not show any interest at all. Third, despite claiming that she had moved on from her ex, she did seem to have some sort of feelings for her ex, romantic or otherwise I don't know. Even befriended her when we had the initial big fight. Does all this make any sense to you?
BettyDraper Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Your ex girlfriend seems to have some issues with commitment and intimacy. It doesn't sound like she is ready for a relationship at this point and I think you were right to end it with her. Your ex is being childish and manipulative. Do not respond to her nonsense. Keep on going no contact. Her feelings aren't your responsibility.
d0nnivain Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Way too much drama. You can't be "just friends" with somebody you want to date. After you agreed to that however, abruptly going NC on her after you agreed to be just friends she was probably a bit shocked. For now, just block her. She will eventually calm down. After only 4 months, you need a clean break. 2
Author Harry786 Posted January 31, 2016 Author Posted January 31, 2016 Your ex girlfriend seems to have some issues with commitment and intimacy. It doesn't sound like she is ready for a relationship at this point and I think you were right to end it with her. Your ex is being childish and manipulative. Do not respond to her nonsense. Keep on going no contact. Her feelings aren't your responsibility. Thanks for this. I needed someone to tell me this. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 You need to block her immediately. Why are you giving her an avenue to communicate with you? The No Contact isn't going to be nearly as effective as it's supposed to be if you allow her to text/call you. Even if you don't answer, reading those texts/listening to those voicemails are going to keep you in the muck. You've explained yourself multiple times. Put some real muscle behind those words and start blocking her.
Author Harry786 Posted January 31, 2016 Author Posted January 31, 2016 Way too much drama. You can't be "just friends" with somebody you want to date. After you agreed to that however, abruptly going NC on her after you agreed to be just friends she was probably a bit shocked. For now, just block her. She will eventually calm down. After only 4 months, you need a clean break. We actually stayed 'friends' for almost a week. Didn't talk at all for two days. May be she thought I would come running back to her. Or, that I would send some angry message. I know she was definitely shocked by the calmness and kindness with which I wrote her the letter. She probably wasn't expecting this as I had been guilty of participating in the drama a few times.
Author Harry786 Posted January 31, 2016 Author Posted January 31, 2016 You need to block her immediately. Why are you giving her an avenue to communicate with you? The No Contact isn't going to be nearly as effective as it's supposed to be if you allow her to text/call you. Even if you don't answer, reading those texts/listening to those voicemails are going to keep you in the muck. You've explained yourself multiple times. Put some real muscle behind those words and start blocking her. I'll be honest. A part of me still does not want to do it. I've been contemplating this and I hope I can soon muster the courage to do this.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 I'll be honest. A part of me still does not want to do it. I've been contemplating this and I hope I can soon muster the courage to do this. Well, you have to if you want to move forward. You've tried to reason with her, she's not having it, so this is the step you have to take. Don't think about it, just do it.
Paradigm Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 She is manipulating you, as you said yourself in the title. She's also being really childish. I'm pretty sure that if you came back to her after she manipulated you to do so, it would only make her lose respect for you and that would lead her to resent you more (because in her opinion, its your fault she is suffering, right?) By ignoring her and being the bigger person, she is definitely going to realize what she's lost. Thats why she is doing this. But I'm not sure if she's doing it because she loves you, or just wants to have it her way, or can't stand being rejected, etc. What really matters is that deep down, if you feel like this isn't working, then you're most likely right. I suggest you cut all ties with her for a month. If things are meant to be, they will happen. But right now she needs time to think, and so do you. Best of luck
ExpatInItaly Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 All this after just fourth months? This girl is bad news and sounds like a child. How old is she? Delete her number and really go no contact. When you're still checking to see if you're blocked or not in any form (What's App, FB, etc) you're not No Contact. Take that final step and don't allow toxic behaviour in your life.
mightycpa Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 She's a drama girl, and if you engage with her on this, you'll be a drama boy and both of you will live in back-and-forth land until it blows up, and then you'll be Mr. Sad Sack. She's upset? She's sad? Angry? So what? Let her be those things. You have plenty to worry about just managing your own feelings. Don't try to manage hers, she's not going to give you what you want. Be like all the other boys. Let some other sucker give her what she wants. 1
Author Harry786 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 She is manipulating you, as you said yourself in the title. She's also being really childish. I'm pretty sure that if you came back to her after she manipulated you to do so, it would only make her lose respect for you and that would lead her to resent you more (because in her opinion, its your fault she is suffering, right?) I find this quite insightful. I can see how subconsciously she will lose respect for me If I were to cave in now. And, I am being projected as the culprit. By ignoring her and being the bigger person, she is definitely going to realize what she's lost. That's why she is doing this. But I'm not sure if she's doing it because she loves you, or just wants to have it her way, or can't stand being rejected, etc. What really matters is that deep down, if you feel like this isn't working, then you're most likely right. I suggest you cut all ties with her for a month. If things are meant to be, they will happen. But right now she needs time to think, and so do you. Best of luck That's the confusing part. I think its all three - she loves me, misses, her ego has been battered. Yes, cutting contact seems like the best option.
Author Harry786 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 All this after just fourth months? This girl is bad news and sounds like a child. How old is she? Delete her number and really go no contact. When you're still checking to see if you're blocked or not in any form (What's App, FB, etc) you're not No Contact. Take that final step and don't allow toxic behaviour in your life. She's 27 (So am I) . She seemed like an intelligent and balanced personality when we first met. But as time went by, I began noticing her weird aspects. Haven't checked FB or whatsapp for over a day now. I hope I can keep this up.
Author Harry786 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 She's a drama girl, and if you engage with her on this, you'll be a drama boy and both of you will live in back-and-forth land until it blows up, and then you'll be Mr. Sad Sack. She's upset? She's sad? Angry? So what? Let her be those things. You have plenty to worry about just managing your own feelings. Don't try to manage hers, she's not going to give you what you want. Be like all the other boys. Let some other sucker give her what she wants. The other sucker is already there. Her ex, who was 4 years in LDR with her, then cheated and married another girl. Got divorced by 2011 and managed to convince her he did it for her. She fell in love again. The relationship did not work. She has been trying to move on from her ex for an year now. One aspect of the relation is that I am suffering for what her EX did to her. The trust and commitment issues seem to be from there. In fact, her Ex too has used guilt-trips thus far to prevent her from completely moving on. I also felt at times that she projected some of the bad things her ex did on to me.
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