Is this...emotional abuse?

[katiegrl]

I was in a relationship with a guy (not for too long, fortunately), who would set all the rules in our relationship. Breaking those rules would mean he'd be very angry, say how nice he is to me and how I need to thank him by doing exactly as he says. Like getting out of bed when he says it's time to get out. I could absolutely not sleep longer than he did and if I'd tell that I need just 30 min more, he would get upset and start yelling. Then he'd give me a cold treatment until I apologize while crying and telling I won't do that again. One of many examples.

 

And you stayed in that relationship because .....?

 

I am sorry you experienced that .....he sound horrible!

 

Live and learn, right?

 

My late mom always said this to me.

[Lorenza]

If he is constantly leaving messes behind and not making an effort--what does she need to do to send him a message?

 

Why does she get to decide how clean is has to be in the house? It is her personal preference and her own obsession. I understand that it's important to keep the house tidy and not disrespect each other by leaving your mess for another person to clean, but for me it would be good enough to know that my partner is trying his best, though isn't as naturally inclined to cleanliness as I am. He said he tries his best, but does she tries her best? No, cause she is the rule setter in the relationship and doesn't compromise.

By the way, unless he is really messy and constantly leaves his stuff scattered all around the house, obsessing over cleaning is a mental illness of some sort.

[katiegrl]

If he is constantly leaving messes behind and not making an effort--what does she need to do to send him a message?

 

Where was it said that he doesn't respond to messages and not making an effort?

 

I missed that!

 

But even assuming that were true, come on you are justifying her making threats and throwing tantrums? Name-calling and other debasing behaviors?

 

Seriously? Is this how you were raised to behave in your romantic relationships?

 

Wow, just wow. And read my earlier post (no. 21) for the answer to your question.

Edited January 31, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lorenza]

And you stayed in that relationship because .....?

 

I am sorry you experienced that .....he sound horrible!

 

Live and learn, right?

 

My late mom always said this to me.

 

I just didn't know better. He was an older man who gave me things my ex couldn't and I fell for it. During the relationship I didn't see that the way he treats me isn't right, but saw that right after he dumped me like I was some trash (and thank god he did!).

Exactly, a good life lesson though!

[dispatch3d]

1. halt the wedding.

2. grow the **** up lady. sometimes life brings serious tones, deal with it.

3. same with criticism. She's going to have to take it.

4. storming out of the house is not acceptable.

5. be respectful.

 

straight up I'd lay down the law with her because that's what needs to be done. You letting her win these tirades is a losing battle.

[introverted1]

Is that what a parent does to get her/his point across?

 

Threaten, storm off, emotionally abuse?

 

My mom and dad never treated me this way when I screwed up...did not "obey" or whatevs.

 

Maybe I got lucky in the parent department?

 

Her behavior is absolutely unacceptable and would be from a parent. I think I said that.

 

We have been together for over 8 years and she is very strict when it comes to cleanliness around the house and to be honest I am not a super clean person myself. We have worked it out that I will try my best to do as she said to keep the house clean; though there would still be times that I forget and leave a mess which makes her pretty upset every time.

 

I would just like to better understand OP's role in this. Without more information, it's hard to know if he's an innocent victim or an enabler.

 

OP, has this been going on for the 8 years you've been together? What sort of messes do you make/leave?

[DreamLost]

You can definitely change it. People who have been married over 50 years, sometimes take turns having the upper hand, as they go through different phases of life, having children, changing jobs and earning power, becoming ill etc. The dynamics do change and tables do turn.

How tidy can she be when one day she has several small children running around? Beat the kids and storm out of the house? I think not.

After 8 years, don't be too quick to throw it all away. Often obsessing about something (in this case, cleanlieness), means she feels her life is out of control, so she tries to control this one thing.

 

Yes, I have actually thought about this. I told myself that maybe the dynamics will change once we have a baby - she loves kids and just maybe this will keep her dark side from coming back again...

[DreamLost]

She can throw hissy fits at will and by her rules you cannot defend yourself or raise any concerns about her behavior.

She gives you scraps of what you want in the relationship while you bend over backwards to please her. Those scraps keep you hanging on for the good old days.

 

I tried 26 years to fix what was irretrievably broken. Lost my self, my self esteem, my friends and almost lost my family. The good old days never came back.

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

You are right, I feel unsure about things and I feel obliged to get permission to make decisions in life. At first I thought this was something I do out of respect for someone I love (I am a yes-man in front of my loved ones) but right now this is starting to affect my relationship with my family and my work. My parents don't feel like they are respected because my fiancee only shows up about half of the time to festive family dinners. I (stupidly) tried to explain to my parents that my fiancee should also have the right to spend time with her loved ones on these special days (i.e. her family). Whenever we fight, I feel very depressed and am on constant alert on my phone because she could shoot through a negative message anytime that completely ruins my day. Usually I will try to work things out when I get off work but that will usually end up with me apologizing.

[Arieswoman]

Dreamlost,

you need to get out of this toxic relationship NOW !

 

 

I was married to a controlling, narcissistic husband who manipulated me in subtle ways, so subtle I didn't see how the dynamics were playing out. After 5 years I realised that it was all about him and nothing about me.

 

 

So I put my foot down and told him it was time he pulled his weight in the marriage as I wasn't going to pick up his lazy slack any more. His response was to cheat. When I found out I divorced him.

 

 

How long is it going to take you to wake up and realise you deserve better than this toxic, abusive relationship that's going nowhere?

 

 

Please do yourself a favour and pack your bags before you are married or worse still, have children together.

[DreamLost]

Everyone has their quirks in what bothers them.

 

One thing you haven't talked about us how big of a mess did you naked? Is she overreacting? Is she jumping on the little things?

 

What about you.....

 

Is there anything you value that she doesn't make the effort that is important to you?

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

Well, I can name a few that really bothers her:

 

1. Leaving food scraps on the kitchen sink scrap stopper without cleaning it after I washed the dishes.

2. Not going straight to the bathroom for a shower after I came back from sports (I am a sporty person and so I can get quite 'dusty')

3. Not wiping my bag or my jacket immediately when I come home. We do live in a pretty dusty area.

4. Cooking greasy food at home (e.g. cooking a steak). She said it makes the walls and the kitchen exhaust fans all greasy.

5. Not cleaning the hair in the bathroom shower sink hole hair stopper right after I shower. I have very short spiky hair and so I didn't know it could be such an issue.

 

To be honest, I only started paying attention to the above after we started living together. I am not the type of person who drinks and throws up all over the place (I don't drink); I like sports and maybe that's why I am more used to things being a bit dirty. I have tried to make things easier for myself by introducing my way of cleaning but she simply disregarded it and said it is not the right way to do it. I joked to her one time that I consider myself to be average when it comes to cleanliness but she told me most guys are much cleaner than I am...

 

As for the things that are important to me, I really want her to hang out with my parents more often so they can get to know each other. My parents feel like they are not being respected as my fiancee only shows up 'selectively' to festive family dinners. I think one key to solve this problem would be for them to hang out more with each other - my fiancee is from a different family with different values and I do not expect her to be able to fit in at the start and so hanging out more often would be the best thing to do. I have asked my fiancee to go with me to have dinner at my parents house more often, but maybe she doesn't know how important I think this is and so she didn't make an effort to do this - she has only been to my parents house for dinner less than 20 times in the past 8 years where I go to her mother's house every 2-3 weeks or so to have dinner and talk about things.

Edited February 1, 2016 by DreamLost
Missed responses

[Arieswoman]

Dreamlost,

 

 

"1. Leaving food scraps on the kitchen sink scrap stopper without cleaning it after I washed the dishes.

2. Not going straight to the bathroom for a shower after I came back from sports (I am a sporty person and so I can get quite 'dusty')

3. Not wiping my bag or my jacket immediately when I come home. We do live in a pretty dusty area.

4. Cooking greasy food at home (e.g. cooking a steak). She said it makes the walls and the kitchen exhaust fans all greasy.

5. Not cleaning the hair in the bathroom shower sink hole hair stopper right after I shower. I have very short spiky hair and so I didn't know it could be such an issue."

 

 

All the above ^^^ would bother me as well, but I would have made that clear from the outset. I wouldn't stay with a guy who wouldn't pick up after himself.

No 2 is just plain unhygienic and would gross me out as well.

 

 

Having said all that I wouldn't let it drag on for 8 years and keep freaking out over it all.

 

 

As I said, time to move on. Sorry.

[DreamLost]

OP, I think the way your financee is handling the situation is uncalled for, but I also wonder about your involvement. What types of messes are you making and leaving for her to clean up?

 

If you are going to assume the role of the child who makes messes he leaves for others to clean up, then it's not so shocking that she has taken on the role of parent. You need to equalize the dynamic, which definitely involves change on her part, but quite possibly on your own, as well.

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

I understand that it is not mature to make a mess for anyone to clean up as an adult. I believe I have tried pretty hard on my part to be aware of the things I need to keep clean, to the point where I create a mental checklist to run through on things in the house that are not in order. I understand that changes start with myself, which is why I create this mental cleaning checklist to run through. But there would still be stuff that I miss from time to time. And that's when my fiancee would get upset because she has told me about 'it' so many times.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I have actually thought about this. I told myself that maybe the dynamics will change once we have a baby - she loves kids and just maybe this will keep her dark side from coming back again...

 

Don't hold your breath for that. Having a baby is enormously stressful and is more likely to emphasize and worsen problems between you, rather than making things better. Babies cannot fix a broken relationship.

 

Imagine what it will be like cleaning up after a baby! The expectations for cleanliness and hygiene will much higher than what they are now.

 

You'd be incredibly foolish to bring a child into the current scenario.

[DreamLost]

If he is constantly leaving messes behind and not making an effort--what does she need to do to send him a message?

 

You could be right. We haven't exactly moved in yet (we will after we are married) but right now I stay to the house 3-4 days a week while she stays 1-2 days a week (the other times she stays at home and takes care of her mother). Before she comes to the house i will usually run through my mental cleaning checklist to make sure things are okay - I know very well leaving a mess would mean an upset fiancee and a ruined day at the house. But again there would be times that I miss something on the list and so you can say I leave messes behind sometimes. However, I can say that I have really tried to do this.

[DreamLost]

Why does she get to decide how clean is has to be in the house? It is her personal preference and her own obsession. I understand that it's important to keep the house tidy and not disrespect each other by leaving your mess for another person to clean, but for me it would be good enough to know that my partner is trying his best, though isn't as naturally inclined to cleanliness as I am. He said he tries his best, but does she tries her best? No, cause she is the rule setter in the relationship and doesn't compromise.

By the way, unless he is really messy and constantly leaves his stuff scattered all around the house, obsessing over cleaning is a mental illness of some sort.

 

I have looked into OCD and have mentioned it to my fiancee that it is possible that this is an illness and that we should look into seeking advise from a psychiatrist. But I was talking in a rather jokey tone and so she didn't really think I was serious.

 

The reason I post is because I need an impartial perspective as I am not sure anymore whether I have been doing things right - I feel like I have tried very hard to do this but am still failing very badly.

[DreamLost]

Her behavior is absolutely unacceptable and would be from a parent. I think I said that.

 

 

 

I would just like to better understand OP's role in this. Without more information, it's hard to know if he's an innocent victim or an enabler.

 

OP, has this been going on for the 8 years you've been together? What sort of messes do you make/leave?

 

As mentioned earlier, I guess I am more of an enabler in this as I have set some bad precedents. This has never been that big of a problem before we started living together but she has always commented on how dirty my apartment was and so I would clean it up before she visits every time. As for the kind of mess I leave behind, I can say, even at this moment, that these messes are not that big of a deal and they are mostly something I overlook.

[DreamLost]

Dreamlost,

 

 

"1. Leaving food scraps on the kitchen sink scrap stopper without cleaning it after I washed the dishes.

2. Not going straight to the bathroom for a shower after I came back from sports (I am a sporty person and so I can get quite 'dusty')

3. Not wiping my bag or my jacket immediately when I come home. We do live in a pretty dusty area.

4. Cooking greasy food at home (e.g. cooking a steak). She said it makes the walls and the kitchen exhaust fans all greasy.

5. Not cleaning the hair in the bathroom shower sink hole hair stopper right after I shower. I have very short spiky hair and so I didn't know it could be such an issue."

 

 

All the above ^^^ would bother me as well, but I would have made that clear from the outset. I wouldn't stay with a guy who wouldn't pick up after himself.

No 2 is just plain unhygienic and would gross me out as well.

 

 

Having said all that I wouldn't let it drag on for 8 years and keep freaking out over it all.

 

 

As I said, time to move on. Sorry.

 

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

I guess maybe I am not that as clean as I though I am after all. Would these be the things that tick you off?

 

For No.2, just want to make it clear that I always shower right after I come back, but to do that I will need to put clean clothes in the bathroom before I go out as I cannot enter the bedroom when I come back from the outside.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for your reply.

 

I guess maybe I am not that as clean as I though I am after all. Would these be the things that tick you off?

 

For No.2, just want to make it clear that I always shower right after I come back, but to do that I will need to put clean clothes in the bathroom before I go out as I cannot enter the bedroom when I come back from the outside.

 

OP, the problem lies in how the problems are being addressed. There's being frustrated and fed up, then there's what she's doing.

 

Generally, how has the relationship been? Has it always been full of drama like this? Why dd you decide to propose?

[smackie9]

I would just hire a hot little Filipino house keeper. It would be a win win. You get some eye candy, she gets a clean house.

 

as for cooking steaks and stuff....buy yourself a nice full on Webber bbq, built-in with a gazebo.

 

Build yourself a man cave with shower included.This can be your area to keep the way you want....this should be about you, and your needs am I right?

[Miss Peach]

I was in a marriage that sounds a lot like what you posted. My BTDT advice is to leave the relationship.

 

Why in the world do *you* tolerate this crap...and are choosing to stay with this controlling, toxic and abusive person.

 

This is something that didn't hit me until the relationship was over. But it was a sign I had to work on my self-esteem.

 

Before anything else - halt the wedding planning.

Agreed.

 

Have you considered pre-marital, couples counseling?

 

I would be very careful with this route. Couples counseling is not recommended in cases of abuse. I DO recommend you get your own counseling.

 

She does this because she knows she can control you. Stop giving her that control.

 

This is exactly what this is IMO. She wants to control you. It will be very difficult or impossible to get her to change this while in the relationship. You can try as a last ditch effort but it often escalates the behavior because they feel they have to do more to keep the control.

[DreamLost]

OP, the problem lies in how the problems are being addressed. There's being frustrated and fed up, then there's what she's doing.

 

Generally, how has the relationship been? Has it always been full of drama like this? Why dd you decide to propose?

 

In general the relationship is great, as long as I don't make a mess or criticize her things are great. The only thing I hope she would do is that she would communicate more with parents.

 

I thought I would be able to work something out (at least on my part) to get this to work, but lately she has been getting upset pretty frequently which makes me question my actions and that if I am really being a slob.

[Lorenza]

In general the relationship is great, as long as I don't make a mess or criticize her things are great. The only thing I hope she would do is that she would communicate more with parents.

 

I thought I would be able to work something out (at least on my part) to get this to work, but lately she has been getting upset pretty frequently which makes me question my actions and that if I am really being a slob.

 

Real partnership shouldn't be based on walking on your toes just not to trigger your partner. For me, respecting my partner means not flipping out when he does something to trigger my irritation, because I realize that even if we try to reach an agreement, my way will never be 100% his way too.

What you describe sounds like: "the relationship is great until I do X - then it's hell". It's like there are various buttons that will set the alarm off if you press them, but you are not even sure where those buttons are placed so you need to be extra careful to not accidently press them. Doesn't sound like you can relax much. I know how it feels. The thing is you will keep on pressing them until she will most likely "run out of patience" and leave you, making sure to let you know that it's you who messed up and you should feel like ****.

[DreamLost]

Real partnership shouldn't be based on walking on your toes just not to trigger your partner. For me, respecting my partner means not flipping out when he does something to trigger my irritation, because I realize that even if we try to reach an agreement, my way will never be 100% his way too.

What you describe sounds like: "the relationship is great until I do X - then it's hell". It's like there are various buttons that will set the alarm off if you press them, but you are not even sure where those buttons are placed so you need to be extra careful to not accidently press them. Doesn't sound like you can relax much. I know how it feels. The thing is you will keep on pressing them until she will most likely "run out of patience" and leave you, making sure to let you know that it's you who messed up and you should feel like ****.

 

I think you have hit the bulls-eye on this one - this is exactly how I feel. I would try to get this message across but I don't think she will listen to me much (I have tried in a softer tone but it didn't work). That's why I was trying to talk to her sister or get counselling; she would be more willing to listen/rethink if the idea comes from an 'outsider'.

[testmeasure]

Hello, I am feeling very depressed now and am totally lost on how I should act in front of my fiancee. We have been together for over 8 years and she is very strict when it comes to cleanliness around the house and to be honest I am not a super clean person myself. We have worked it out that I will try my best to do as she said to keep the house clean; though there would still be times that I forget and leave a mess which makes her pretty upset every time. It all happens last week when she walked away from our home when she got upset at some cleaning that I didn't do. I was working at my desk and she stomped out of the house all of a sudden and said she would be gone for the day - we were supposed to go to look at a wedding venue later in the day. I told her I would clean it up if she told me but she simply said she was tired of repeating herself. She even told me that if this happens again next time she would leave the house immediately. I was pretty upset at that time as I didn't think I did something big enough to make her this upset. I tried calling her after that but she didn't answer. Later she sent me a text message saying she won't be going to my family dinner next week (which everyone was expecting her). I have not contacted her since as this is not the first time this has happened. Whenever she is upset she doesn't care how I feel and can say pretty nasty things that really hurt me: one time she told me to forget about our engagement, another time she told me to sell the house and part ways, the list goes on... I am not sure if she really meant it at the time but it really hurt my feeling. I mean, is this all an engagement meant to you? Something you have agreed to but can call it off so easily? I really want to talk to her about this but she is very touchy when it comes to criticism. She has made this rule that I am not allowed to talk in a serious tone to her and that I should keep anything negative/criticism about her to myself. I am in constant fear because I have no idea when she will be mad at something I say. Even when she does do something wrong and I got upset, she will get mad eventually when I talk to her in a serious tone, and I will always end up to be the one apologizing. I really want to know I am really the bad person because I am not sure anymore; I know I need to give it all for my fiancee, but I feel like my opinion is not being valued and no matter how hard I tried I am always not good enough.

 

I may be able to offer some perspective here. I got to experience a 1 year long dark period. My story may sound way too extreme compared to yours, but that may just be because mine reached a later stage of completion. Please bear with it, it may be a glimpse into your future.

 

We had a daughter. My ex wife was working from home. As our daughter began to sleep less and become more mobile, I to had help take care of her while my ex wife worked. Remember, she's working from home. So, she would find any excuse to get up from her work and come intervene in the child care. She became very hostile, angry, and critical. My response was always to explain why I had done what I had done and ask questions about how to do it better. She still always found something wrong with how I did things. I just tried to explain myself, ask questions, and improve. But she kept getting angrier and angrier. After the fact, I realize that was probably because it was getting harder to find anything wrong with what I was doing. Eventually the things she was finding "wrong" were so ridiculous that it became obvious that she could find something wrong with anything I did.

 

Meanwhile, in parallel with all that happening, she started to characterize it as "arguing" when I would explain why I had done something the way I had and then ask questions about how to do it right. Then she moved on to characterize it as "yelling", sometimes right at the time it was happening. In those cases, I would point out that I was not in fact yelling. She would tell me that I look angry, so it's the same thing as yelling.

 

Over time it came to be the case that any time she got upset, if I talked at all, she accused me of yelling. If I was quiet she accused me of being passive aggressive. If I tried to go work on something and made any noise at all, she accused me of banging stuff around out of anger.

 

At one point, she yelled at me: "Don't act all hen pecked, you're not hen pecked." My response was: "I don't feel hen pecked, I'm not trying to act hen pecked. If anything I feel shell shocked. I never know when I'm going to get in trouble."

 

It turns out I was right. Being in a hostile, unpredictable environment actually re-wires the nervous system to be in a constant state of fear and anxiety. This actually is what "shell shock" or "PTSD" is. It's the nervous system being re-wired by the environment of hostility and uncertainty created in a war.

 

After separation, I was in a constant state of fear and anxiety. At the time I thought it was because of fear and worry over the custody battle. But I can look back now and see that this wasn't normal worry and concern over individual specific things. This was an always on background state of fear and anxiety. It's an alarm bell being re-wired to be constantly on.

 

This faded after a few months. After that, for a long time, any time I would see my ex at a handoff, I would get sick to my stomach with fear and anxiety. Now that only happens occasionally. The only thing that still remains is when we're communicating about coparenting, any hint of a misunderstanding or disagreement, it puts me right back into a state of fear and anxiety.

 

Ok, let's look at you:

 

"I am in constant fear because I have no idea when she will be mad at something I say."

 

That says it all by itself without comment from me.

 

"one time she told me to forget about our engagement, another time she told me to sell the house and part ways, the list goes on..."

 

This creates uncertainty on a bigger more existential level. She's putting the very existence of your future together into a state of uncertainty. My ex had a range of different things she would threaten to do that would destroy our future as a family. That is why I always accepted that it was the way I was doing things that was wrong, not her. I was trying to save the family so I tried to fix whatever she said needed fixing.

 

"She has made this rule that I am not allowed to talk in a serious tone to her and that I should keep anything negative/criticism about her to myself."

 

She's tying your hands behind your back. Mine let me continue to talk in a serious tone, but just started telling me that I was yelling when I did.

 

The shutting down of communication bothered me a lot at the time. It may be the least of your worries. One day you may come to realize that even if she let you talk, it probably wouldn't matter what you said anyway. Has anything you have been able to say about cleaning ever had an effect on anything?

 

"Even when she does do something wrong and I got upset, she will get mad eventually when I talk to her in a serious tone, and I will always end up to be the one apologizing."

 

Her emotions over-rule yours. Just like your words don't matter, your feelings don't either.

 

"I really want to know I am really the bad person because I am not sure anymore;"

 

This level of self doubt could not be created by a healthy process for working out something as simple as household cleaning. No matter how much of a slob you are.

 

"I know I need to give it all for my fiancee, but I feel like my opinion is not being valued and no matter how hard I tried I am always not good enough."

 

No matter how hard you try, it's not good enough and you never know when you're going to get in trouble. I know that feeling well.

 

Your opinion not being valued is another indication that even when you can talk, your words don't matter.

 

"Whenever we fight, I feel very depressed and am on constant alert on my phone because she could shoot through a negative message anytime that completely ruins my day."

 

That could be the alarm bells starting to be wired to be constantly on.

 

You came here asking about emotional abuse. Notice that I haven't used the word abuse even once before now. Yet hopefully I've given you enough to answer that question yourself. I've highlighted the quotes from you that parallel my own experience. But you would be in a better position to evaluate if what I've described applies to your situation and, if so, whether it's doing any damage yet.

 

Did your fiancée have any early childhood trauma or abuse that you know of? Were here parents divorced? If you know her parents, what are they like?

 

 

.

Edited February 2, 2016 by testmeasure

[DreamLost]

Thanks for your reply. I am sorry to hear that you had to go through this.

 

"one time she told me to forget about our engagement, another time she told me to sell the house and part ways, the list goes on..."

 

This creates uncertainty on a bigger more existential level. She's putting the very existence of your future together into a state of uncertainty. My ex had a range of different things she would threaten to do that would destroy our future as a family. That is why I always accepted that it was the way I was doing things that was wrong, not her. I was trying to save the family so I tried to fix whatever she said needed fixing..

 

I wasn't sure that if it was just me not being good or accommodating enough and so I tried very hard to change things on my side.

 

The shutting down of communication bothered me a lot at the time. It may be the least of your worries. One day you may come to realize that even if she let you talk, it probably wouldn't matter what you said anyway. Has anything you have been able to say about cleaning ever had an effect on anything?

 

I would say we are quite well communicated in all other aspects but usually I am quite easygoing on things and maybe that's why she has become used to having her ways. I have tried to introduce my way of cleaning but she said it's not the right way to do it. There is one time I tried to be 'cleaner' and washed the bed sheets but when I told her she was not happy because she was planning to clean the bedroom later in the week and what I did would make the sheets dirty again when she cleaned the room.

 

"Even when she does do something wrong and I got upset, she will get mad eventually when I talk to her in a serious tone, and I will always end up to be the one apologizing."

 

Her emotions over-rule yours. Just like your words don't matter, your feelings don't either.

 

I have this feeling as well but I thought as the guy in the relationship I need to be more of a gentleman and let her win. Also I just want things to be back to normal really bad because if it drags on I will be thrown into another emotion turmoil.

 

 

"I know I need to give it all for my fiancee, but I feel like my opinion is not being valued and no matter how hard I tried I am always not good enough."

 

No matter how hard you try, it's not good enough and you never know when you're going to get in trouble. I know that feeling well.

 

Thanks, it's good to have someone who understands.

 

 

Did your fiancée have any early childhood trauma or abuse that you know of? Were here parents divorced? If you know her parents, what are they like?

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Not that I know of. Her parents are not living together but they are on good terms - somehow their lifestyle differ as they get older as they have decided it would be better to not live together; they would still attend family gathering. Her father is a very stubborn type of person while her mother is quite easygoing and they are both very nice and friendly towards me. The only thing I can think of is that maybe because she has not been in a long committed relationship and from what she told me it has always been guys trying to date her and so she didn't really need to work for anything.