Trinity7 Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Oh my God, that just made my heart sink.. I'm so sorry for you That is the fear of "reconciliations" or letting them back into our lives in any capacity-- there's always a chance they'll hurt us again. If it means anything, I don't think you were wrong to believe it would be different.. We have so much hope and love, it's easy to get caught up in it and listen to our hearts over our brains. And really, from what you've said, I don't see how you could've known he would turn like this. I don't know your original story, but your current situation is making me think harder about mine... I'm trying to get to a place in my head where I wouldn't take my ex back (if he ever even tries) for this exact reason.. I would say you really can't ever let him into your life again though I know that's going to be super hard. Keep sight of the fact that you're a good person who was willing to open up and trust someone again regardless of the past. I'm sorry he ruined it all
Author nasc88 Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 Thanks Trinity7. There's a lot more too it as with every story. This just ripped me apart. I've been at work crying nonstop. I just feel foolish for letting him hurt me like this again. I'm pretty sure it's going to be completely impossible for me to ever trust anyone again.
Trinity7 Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I know, I was crying to my parents the other day (I'm 35 btw, so it was pretty awkward for us all.. lol) about how in the world I'm ever going to be able to trust again after having my last 3 relationships (over a course of 10 years) end with $hitty breakups/cheating. It's like how many times can we open our hearts only to have them crushed before we aren't able to open them at all anymore? I know it has made me more guarded for sure.. I really hope we don't become bitter or jaded or shut off. But don't focus on that yet.. Baby steps. Unfortunately we've been here before, so know what to expect. For me, the only things that help are talking it to death with friends and family, posting and reading on here, keeping busy with work and trying to distract myself and not think about it at all in the evenings so I don't get too spun up before bed. Try to eat and sleep when you can, I know those are the first things to go for me when I'm grieving.
kidm Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Sorry for the pain you are going through. This man didn't sound like he would ever be invested. When he resurfaced, you should have let him prove himself to you. If he was ready to run when you were closer, the fact that he moved made it even less likely he would commit. He should have been doing the traveling to see you, putting in the effort to show he was back and was serious. Had I known it always at last. Lesson learned. Don't let this sour your ability to trust again because frankly he showed you signs and actually told you where his head was at. When he came back, did he say he wanted a relationship? did he mention he had made a mistake and wanted to be all in? Did he visit you? Doesn't seem from what you've described that he was ever back. Rather, he turned it into casual hang out relationship like he always wanted and did a little bit of future faking. He bailed on you the minute you weren't able to do as he wanted. It was all about him and how you would make yourself accessible to him. Please don't let him back in ever again. He's not worth it.
Author nasc88 Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 Unfortunately we've been here before, so know what to expect. For me, the only things that help are talking it to death with friends and family, posting and reading on here, keeping busy with work and trying to distract myself and not think about it at all in the evenings so I don't get too spun up before bed. Try to eat and sleep when you can, I know those are the first things to go for me when I'm grieving. Well my friends are sick of hearing about it since they all told me not to get involved again. My family kind of feels the same way. Sleeping is out of the question. Eating comes and goes. My last two ended similarly so I was shocked I was able to connect with him so easily and open up. I'm just stunned and hurt. I'm 38 so this sounds silly but the older you get the harder it is to find someone you WANT to hang out with. I'm so heart broken and stunned all at once. UGH. Why? I swear I'm relatively funny, I have a good job, great family and friends, best dog in the world, goes with the flow, not the ugliest person you've seen - so why do I let people keep doing this to me?
Zahara Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I feel like I've been kicked in the gut for letting him do this to me twice now. How can someone go from such one extreme to the next? How can someone be so hurtful over and over again and just not care. I don't even know what advice I am looking for but I am so heartbroken and distraught I figured I'd reach out to you all since you have been so helpful in the past. Thanks for reading. In your last thread, he was clear and admitted to you that he was selfish, that he didn't know if he could love you the way you should be loved and he even told you that he can't share his time even when it comes to his kids. He didn't do this to you. You did this to you. You chose to take a risk regardless of the truth and it has now hurt you. Stay away from him. NC and try to move on. While painful, you'll in time look at this as a valuable lesson for the future. 3
Author nasc88 Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 Sorry for the pain you are going through. This man didn't sound like he would ever be invested. When he resurfaced, you should have let him prove himself to you. If he was ready to run when you were closer, the fact that he moved made it even less likely he would commit. He should have been doing the traveling to see you, putting in the effort to show he was back and was serious. Had I known it always at last. Lesson learned. Don't let this sour your ability to trust again because frankly he showed you signs and actually told you where his head was at. When he came back, did he say he wanted a relationship? did he mention he had made a mistake and wanted to be all in? Did he visit you? Doesn't seem from what you've described that he was ever back. Rather, he turned it into casual hang out relationship like he always wanted and did a little bit of future faking. He bailed on you the minute you weren't able to do as he wanted. It was all about him and how you would make yourself accessible to him. Please don't let him back in ever again. He's not worth it. You are right on all accounts. He did make it seem like he wanted to try to make the relationship work but you are right again, I was too much of a coward to force the conversation. He gave me little crumbs to hold my interest. I hope I can figure out how to value myself more than I value this man. Truthfully that's the biggest issue when I start to peel everything back. Anyone else would have told him to work for it or simply say you screwed me over, no. I couldn't do that.
Author nasc88 Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 (edited) In your last thread, he was clear and admitted to you that he was selfish, that he didn't know if he could love you the way you should be loved and he even told you that he can't share his time even when it comes to his kids. I agree that I allowed this and I did this. However we had conversations about his selfishness and how he had been working on things the past few months. I bought it all, hook line and sinker that he was telling me the truth. That he was working on being a better dad and man. Clearly I was wrong. I know the real challenge and work is figuring out how to see the fact that I'm worth it. I just can't get there and that's the biggest challenge. Edited June 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote formatting ~6
Author nasc88 Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 earlier typo and too late to edit I guess *am 39*
stillafool Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I thought you had blocked this guy from contacting you. I guess you will block him now. Right?
Zahara Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 I agree that I allowed this and I did this. However we had conversations about his selfishness and how he had been working on things the past few months. I bought it all, hook line and sinker that he was telling me the truth. That he was working on being a better dad and man. Clearly I was wrong. I know the real challenge and work is figuring out how to see the fact that I'm worth it. I just can't get there and that's the biggest challenge. People don't become unselfish or even change over a few months. That level of selfishness is deeply ingrained behavior. His treatment of you is not a reflection of your worth but a reflection of his own dysfunction. It's hard to see that right now because rejection is hard to swallow and it's normal that one will define themselves based on that rejection. This has nothing to do with you. 2
Author nasc88 Posted June 22, 2016 Author Posted June 22, 2016 I thought you had blocked this guy from contacting you. I guess you will block him now. Right? Yes, I had blocked him. When he moved apparently he got a new # from the new company. I guess my fault for calling back.
Author nasc88 Posted June 22, 2016 Author Posted June 22, 2016 People don't become unselfish or even change over a few months. That level of selfishness is deeply ingrained behavior. His treatment of you is not a reflection of your worth but a reflection of his own dysfunction. It's hard to see that right now because rejection is hard to swallow and it's normal that one will define themselves based on that rejection. This has nothing to do with you. Thanks Zahara. I can't help thinking though that I should have just put the guards up immediately. You know? I realize I have a lot to work through and will keep at it.
Zahara Posted June 22, 2016 Posted June 22, 2016 Thanks Zahara. I can't help thinking though that I should have just put the guards up immediately. You know? I realize I have a lot to work through and will keep at it. Based on your last thread, you should have shut the door completely on this guy. But our emotions tend to get the best of us and we end up thinking with our heart rather than our brain. Count this as a blessing. Now you know what this guy is all about and you can put this behind you without ever wondering about the what ifs. Keep doing the work and you'll get there in no time. It's going to hurt for awhile but don't devalue yourself just because people choose to act like assclowns. 1
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