smackie9 Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 I agree please move on. You are not compatible in your relationship expectations....and that is more important than liking the same movies and food. 1
AMJ Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 If you private message me your address I'll send you that book. He is textbook commitmentphobic. They pull you in, they throw you away. Pull you back, then create more distance. This cycle just goes on and on. The longer you stay in, the more you get hurt every time. I really don't have more to say other than to echo what everyone else has said. You're actually lucky he can admit this to you. He is self-aware enough to know that he has serious issues with intimacy, and he's warning you about it. Some men never admit they are the problem and they keep deflecting onto the woman- making her think she's the problem. How can someone say they were never in a relationship with their wife? That's a huge problem. It's easier to realize that the relationship you used to have with him, up until now, was a fantasy. From here on out, your time and experience with him will be much different. If you stay, you'll be hoping to get things back to where they were, but he won't let that happen. I was in your position when I decided to stay in it, and I thought I could give him the space he needed to feel safe in a relationship with me. All I did was cause myself six months of extreme frustration, which led to another two years of feeling broken. 1
Author nasc88 Posted February 11, 2016 Author Posted February 11, 2016 Thank you all. Sometimes you know what's in your heart but you need to hear it. I know it seems strange that strangers impact you more but I feel like my friends and family want what s best for me but sometimes it's hard to believe what they are saying is something other than protecting you. If that makes sense. AMJ - thank you. I actually got the book yesterday from Amazon. I hope to start reading it tonight. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else... 3
AMJ Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 I'm sorry you're going through this, truly. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. My friends told me plenty of times that he was a jerk but eventually they just gave up and started hoping it would work out, for my sake. I'm pretty stubborn, once my mind or heart is set on something, there's no point in talking me down. It's been almost four years since my ex and I broke up, and like I said, I spent half of that time being heartbroken but also wanting him back. I thought he'd come back, since he always used to go away, then come back. It's a terrible position to be in. I was on antidepressants for a year, in therapy for a year. All because of him. As good as the good times were- and they were better than anything I'd ever imagined- I truly wish I'd never met him. He completely derailed my life for four years. I haven't had a serious relationship since, or been remotely attracted to anyone I've dated since, which is sad. But I'm hopeful that my situation will change, and I'll fall in love again. We gotta have hope, right? 2
LostOnes05 Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 Not worth the risk and from what you wrote all I could see was... "I'm not emotionally available...I'm actually not available in any form. I'd like to keep you around, but nothing will come of it. I'm also selfish, ask my children. If I don't want to give them time, what do you expect? Don't forget that I feel like my marriage was not a relationship and I probably will end up feeling the same about you. If you've gotten this far, I'm still unavailable but you can still try wasting your time with me...I did warn you." 1
Leigh 87 Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 I feel a bit sorry for you...... That you're willing to accept a guy who sint totally smitten or head over heels for you. How sad. Yes relationships aren't always fairytales..... My bf andI went through a bad stage of arguing that we are thankfully now out of but we were always head over heels and totally crazy about each other. From day 1. Relationships can be fairytales most of the time aside from natural disagreements when two people don't always see eye to eye. Never assume that "well..relationships aren't fairytale so it shouldn't matter of this guy or that guy isn't super into me.......life isn't like that" Because it is. My friend and myself have bfs who are totally enamoured by us and crazy in love with is. My guy friend feels that way about his fiance too. That's just 3 couples in my own life! Please have better standards for yourself. Are you really not enough to attract a man that IS super into you? I am SURE you CAN afford to hold out fora guy who you're really crushing on and who is actually into you back! 2
stillafool Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 You should have asked him what does taking it day by day mean to him. To me it means we'll get together when I call you and let's keep it casual. Why is this guy so important? 1
AMJ Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 Because it is. My friend and myself have bfs who are totally enamoured by us and crazy in love with is. My guy friend feels that way about his fiance too. That's just 3 couples in my own life! Please have better standards for yourself. Are you really not enough to attract a man that IS super into you? I am SURE you CAN afford to hold out fora guy who you're really crushing on and who is actually into you back! This post was mildly condescending and aloof. Why are you rubbing salt in her wound? It's fantastic that finding love has been so easy for you, your best friend, and your other best friend. It's not like OP set out to end up in the situation she's in. There was a much longer story that she posted previously. Her situation began like a fairy tale, and ended like this. Take note of that one day, if your own fairy tale ends. 3
Yankee99 Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 Stuff like this is frustrating for nice guys to hear. When I really like a girl, it is obvious and I wear my heart on my sleeve. Compliments, little gifts, etc. letting them now how much they are valued. Yet women always seem to want a challenge, to be interested in the guy that appears aloof and uninterested. I don't get it. I have experienced this as well. When I have been ambivalent and pull away, it makes women chase harder. Food for thought...... 1
Yankee99 Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 I feel a bit sorry for you...... That you're willing to accept a guy who sint totally smitten or head over heels for you. How sad. Yes relationships aren't always fairytales..... My bf andI went through a bad stage of arguing that we are thankfully now out of but we were always head over heels and totally crazy about each other. From day 1. Relationships can be fairytales most of the time aside from natural disagreements when two people don't always see eye to eye. Never assume that "well..relationships aren't fairytale so it shouldn't matter of this guy or that guy isn't super into me.......life isn't like that" Because it is. My friend and myself have bfs who are totally enamoured by us and crazy in love with is. My guy friend feels that way about his fiance too. That's just 3 couples in my own life! Please have better standards for yourself. Are you really not enough to attract a man that IS super into you? I am SURE you CAN afford to hold out fora guy who you're really crushing on and who is actually into you back! Yep, well said and refreshing to hear.
preraph Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 Hi everyone: I'm back. You all gave me such great advice I wanted to follow up. So I posted on here a while ago about a man I had been dating who thought things were moving too fast. I thought we broke up. After about a week of not talking he called me and we spoke. He explained he was not trying to end things with me but rather trying to slow things down. He is divorced and said when he was in counseling with his ex wife he realized they were never in a relationship and he's not sure he knows how to be. He said he doesn't know if he's the kind of guy that could ever be "head over heels in love with someone" and I deserve that. I told him that life isn't a fairy tale. He also said he has a hard time sharing his time and it is something that has been an issue even with his kids. He admitted to being selfish. He said that these are not excuses but he was trying to get me to understand. We have decided to slow down and take it "day by day." My problem is I have no idea what that means. I don't know if I'm willing to put myself out there to be hurt by him again. We are so compatible and I enjoy every moment I am with him. I feel like he's worth the risk but I'm afraid the outcome isn't going to be a positive one. What do I do?! If he's not ready for a real relationship, then you are NOT compatible. If he is unable to have a real relationship, he's not compatible with anyone. This guy is in counseling with his ex. If he's going to change, which is doubtful, it would probably be to stay with her and the kids. I wouldn't waste a lot of time on this guy.
Author nasc88 Posted February 12, 2016 Author Posted February 12, 2016 You should have asked him what does taking it day by day mean to him. To me it means we'll get together when I call you and let's keep it casual. Why is this guy so important? That is what I'm working on figuring out. If he is worth it. He calls, emails or sends me a handful of text messages every day so it's really confusing. I guess I need to figure out what I want and then move on or not. It seems strange I know to find comfort in what strangers say but sometimes when you hear questions like "why is he important" from someone totally impartial it helps make you think. My friends and family protect me and so when they say something I always think they're saying it just to protect me. I hope that makes sense.
Author nasc88 Posted February 12, 2016 Author Posted February 12, 2016 I feel a bit sorry for you...... That you're willing to accept a guy who sint totally smitten or head over heels for you. He was totally smitten with me. He would send me dozens of long stem roses with notes like "a beautiful girl deserves beautiful flowers." He took me on all these adventures. However it all happened really fast. That was the issue things went too quickly for him and for myself. I even sent out warnings to him along the way. When life caught up to us and reality set in that's when the issue of time and everything else creeped in. He took me for ballroom dance lessons for my brother's wedding and had them play my favorite song from White Christmas while we danced. So it was a fairy tale. That's why it's so confusing.
Author nasc88 Posted February 12, 2016 Author Posted February 12, 2016 If he's not ready for a real relationship, then you are NOT compatible. If he is unable to have a real relationship, he's not compatible with anyone. This guy is in counseling with his ex. If he's going to change, which is doubtful, it would probably be to stay with her and the kids. I wouldn't waste a lot of time on this guy. He was in counseling about 5 years ago. He's been divorced for years. There is no way he is getting back with the ex.
Author nasc88 Posted February 12, 2016 Author Posted February 12, 2016 This post was mildly condescending and aloof. Why are you rubbing salt in her wound? It's fantastic that finding love has been so easy for you, your best friend, and your other best friend. It's not like OP set out to end up in the situation she's in. There was a much longer story that she posted previously. Her situation began like a fairy tale, and ended like this. Take note of that one day, if your own fairy tale ends. Thank you AMJ. I do not take anything on here personally. I know that in their own way people are trying to help. I need to figure out just how to move on. Thank you for your messages and responses. I truly appreciate it.
Author nasc88 Posted February 12, 2016 Author Posted February 12, 2016 Stuff like this is frustrating for nice guys to hear. When I really like a girl, it is obvious and I wear my heart on my sleeve. Compliments, little gifts, etc. letting them now how much they are valued. Yet women always seem to want a challenge, to be interested in the guy that appears aloof and uninterested. I don't get it. I have experienced this as well. When I have been ambivalent and pull away, it makes women chase harder. Food for thought...... The problem is he was one of the nice guys. At least that's what I thought. He showered me with gifts and attention. He was considerate and kind. He would get up take my dog out and bring me coffee in bed. Little things and big things. That is why I thought he was worth my time. At some point he went from nice guy to this. In a matter of days/weeks. So the problem is when do you know if he's a nice guy or it's all an act. Unfortunately now I'm going to be even more cautious when meeting people.
Gaeta Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 He was totally smitten with me. He would send me dozens of long stem roses with notes like "a beautiful girl deserves beautiful flowers." He took me on all these adventures. However it all happened really fast. That was the issue things went too quickly for him and for myself. I even sent out warnings to him along the way. When life caught up to us and reality set in that's when the issue of time and everything else creeped in. He took me for ballroom dance lessons for my brother's wedding and had them play my favorite song from White Christmas while we danced. So it was a fairy tale. That's why it's so confusing. He was in chasing mode. How long did that last? What's the used of being with a man that sweeps you off of your feet if he's not there with you on a deeper level?
Redhead14 Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 The problem is he was one of the nice guys. At least that's what I thought. He showered me with gifts and attention. He was considerate and kind. He would get up take my dog out and bring me coffee in bed. Little things and big things. That is why I thought he was worth my time. At some point he went from nice guy to this. In a matter of days/weeks. So the problem is when do you know if he's a nice guy or it's all an act. Unfortunately now I'm going to be even more cautious when meeting people. It's not that this guy isn't a great guy at all. He's probably terrific. He's not being evil or mean or trying to hurt anyone. He's not being deceitful. He wants and needs the company of a woman, likes(d) her, but can't give her what she wants and he's telling you that. You just don't want to see it/accept it. He not not a nice guy. He is dealing with a ton of overwhelming things. He's feeling deflated because of his divorce, he's realizing his contribution/lack of contribution to that relationship and simply isn't in a good place emotionally to be able to support a new relationship and perhaps any relationship. Sure, be a little cautious when dating. Make sure the person you date is on the same page in terms of dating goals and observe/listen to whether or not they are in a position to advance things toward that common goal. A person who is fresh out of a marriage or long-term relationship is very unlikely to be able to do that quickly. If they do appear to be moving quickly, it's just that they want and need a distraction from their pain. they will throw themselves into it fast because it feels good. They are putting a wall up between that pain and trying to get relief, comfort, support etc. But that wall can't be maintained for long, it comes down when the stress of what they are/have been dealing with gets to be too much and reality hits them again. 1
Zahara Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 The problem is he was one of the nice guys. At least that's what I thought. He showered me with gifts and attention. He was considerate and kind. He would get up take my dog out and bring me coffee in bed. Little things and big things. That is why I thought he was worth my time. At some point he went from nice guy to this. In a matter of days/weeks. So the problem is when do you know if he's a nice guy or it's all an act. Unfortunately now I'm going to be even more cautious when meeting people. At the beginning of the chase, they're on their best, over the top behavior. It's the song and dance to get you interested and committed. The honeymoon period. When it goes from 60 to 0, it isn't real.
Redhead14 Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 I want to point something else out as well. You warned him. He ignored those "warnings" because the experience was feeling good to him. However, you ignored things/your own warnings because it was feeling so good to you as well.
Redhead14 Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 At the beginning of the chase, they're on their best, over the top behavior. It's the song and dance to get you interested and committed. The honeymoon period. When it goes from 60 to 0, it isn't real. The scenario you're point out is more about a player really. Not about men/women who are recovering from/dealing with the end of a previous relationship and/or emotionally unavailable because of their histories, etc. This guy was likely just wanting/seeking comfort from his situation, telling himself he's wants more until the reality sets in . . . he's not able to do it. This guy was honest with her when it got to be too much for him, she didn't want to hear it. Some guys will do what you're talking about as a way to "get in the door" and have no intentions of having a real relationship. You have to observe and listen carefully to "who" you are dating and have good listening/comprehension skills and good communication. This guy may have thought he wanted that at some point. He just realized he couldn't do it.
elaine567 Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 He may be just a damaged man in the throes of divorce, but also consider - Love bombing. Seducing and love bombing | Dating a Sociopath I guess he does have other issues, as he seems to have some insight from his counselling sessions. "he realized they were never in a relationship and he's not sure he knows how to be." Be careful. If he is more of a manipulative type than just a hurt divorcee, then his reconnect will have a purpose.
Gaeta Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 Also, it's been 4 months. On the 3 month mark (or so) it's time for a relationship to change or die. It's a well known phase of dating. It's time for you to let this man go and search for someone emotionally available. What you are experiencing is common in the world of dating. You have to recognize it and move on to someone emotionally available. You will reads hundreds of threads on here of women who 'waited' on men like this and it lead nowhere.
Gaeta Posted February 12, 2016 Posted February 12, 2016 Some guys will do what you're talking about as a way to "get in the door" and have no intentions of having a real relationship. You have to observe and listen carefully to "who" you are dating and have good listening/comprehension skills and good communication. This guy may have thought he wanted that at some point. He just realized he couldn't do it. And some men at first will think they do want a relationship because she makes him feel all soft and fuzzy inside but after a couple months he realizes it's not a real feeling. He did nothing wrong, he did not mislead her. At first he believed in it. Now he doesn't anymore. 1
Author nasc88 Posted June 21, 2016 Author Posted June 21, 2016 Hi everyone: I've told my story on here before and for the most part was helped along by the support and advice provided to me. Long story short I met a guy last fall. We had a whirlwind romance. He was divorced. In January he told me that he felt like it was going too fast and he just couldn't do it. So he ended it with me. I did not speak to him after he ghosted away. At the end of May I got a call out of the blue from him telling me he had gotten promoted and was moving to the next state. Would I be willing to come and have lunch with him and say goodbye to the city we spent so much time in. So I went. Like a complete fool. He moved and then left for work for 2 weeks in another state. We texted every day he was gone. We made plans for the weekend he got back. I spent the weekend with him at his new place hanging out on the water, going for walks, checking out a baseball game. I was the happiest I had been. At one point he even said to me "you could always rent your condo for a profit and live here and take the train into work." So on Monday we were briefly texting and I said I'm going away next week do you have any interest in getting together this weekend before I go. He responded by saying I shouldn't fly back here but rather meet him at a place we had been talking about going to. To which I said it wouldn't be possible. So today he texts me "oh hey by the way, I have too much to get done this weekend to make plans." Ouch. So I being hurt said "should I read into that?" So he said "you have to figure that out." WTF? So I said to him we both agreed we had such a nice weekend, and you've completely confused me and now I have no idea where I stand with you. As you would have guessed...he did not respond. I feel like I've been kicked in the gut for letting him do this to me twice now. How can someone go from such one extreme to the next? How can someone be so hurtful over and over again and just not care. I don't even know what advice I am looking for but I am so heartbroken and distraught I figured I'd reach out to you all since you have been so helpful in the past. Thanks for reading.
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