He told me things were going too fast... [update 2016-06-21]

[Saracena]

OP-You're certainly not the first to experience this at the 4-month mark. It sounds to me like the typical freak-out phase that some guys (and some females) experience. This is the point when they try to establish if they wish to take the relationship forward or not. It doesn't necessarily mean the end BUT it's vital you give them a chance to miss you-hence the vital importance of NC whatsoever. I appreciate this is very difficult though so good luck!

[AMJ]

My guess is he will contact you when he doesn't hear from you. When I think of the years of heartache a relationship like this caused me, I certainly wish I had walked away completely, yes. At the time I thought it would work out, but in my case, if I had objectively looked at my own situation, I would have seen it for what it was. Just like all of my friends would tell me to walk away, and I couldn't. I don't want to come off like I'm preaching and have all these answers or even valid opinions....but the way you describe how strongly he pursued the relationship in the beginning, to just end it for no reason right now, is a typical experience for women in a relationship with a man who's terrified of commitment.

 

The best you can do for yourself right now is take care of you. How much of his uncertainty can you handle? When I was in this situation, I felt like I could handle all of his uncertainty. But I was lying to myself. I was hurting all of the time and never told him, until I finally did tell him. I was afraid to tell him that he was hurting me because I knew he'd not be able to handle it, and I knew he'd end it for real. And I was right, that's exactly what happened.

I thought he needed more time, but never cared about my own needs. You should care about your own needs more than his. And that doesn't include your need to get him back. That means your own needs to feel happy, safe, loved, respected.

[nasc88]

Thanks AMJ. I appreciate your words. He did come on very strong and fast. For Christmas he had portraits of my dog made - one for me and one for my mother. This sounds crazy but my mother refers to my dog as her grandpuppy. He was very thoughtful and attentive so this all just confuses me.

 

I ordered that book and hope to start reading it soon.

 

I'm trying to keep busy and work on myself but I can't get him out of my mind. I don't think I will hear from him again. I am doing my best not to respond to his message.

[nasc88]

I'd be lying if I said part of me deep down inside isn't hoping that he's going to change his mind and contact me and say "I made a mistake and miss you." That's not his style and I don't think he will. I know it's unhealthy to think that way but we're all about telling the truth on this forum right?

[AMJ]

Of course you want him back, to change his mind and things to go back the way they were. Things were going great, that's why this is so difficult now. My ex treated me like a queen, was so romantic, so thoughtful in the beginning. He pursued me long-distance over the course of a year and a half, flying me to be with him, then convincing me to move cities to be with him. He was remodeling his house and asked me for input about the decorations- making me feel like I had a say in his home, which made me feel like he wanted me permanently in his life. He'd ask me how I felt about being a stay-at-home mother someday. What woman doesn't interpret that to indicate his interest in the long-run?

 

You can imagine how stupid I felt, to go through the process of finding a job in his city and actually moving there, to then be told that he was terrified of a relationship. Never wanted to get married, never wanted to have children. Didn't feel good enough for me, didn't want to ruin my life. "These are things you should have told me earlier..." Him- "When was I supposed to tell you?!" Me- "Well, basically at any point, this would have been great information to know." But the times when he'd show his vulnerability, those were the most dangerous times for me. Because it made me feel like he was letting me in, bringing me in closer. Telling me about his issues, so of course I thought I could fix them. I thought he needed reassurance, time to feel safe with me, acceptance that I'd never hurt him...the ways I justified this can go on and on. When you mention your ex calling you, leaving you this desperate sounding voicemail...yep. That's the stuff that kept me connected. You'll probably talk to him soon, and he'll probably give you some sad story for ending the relationship. And this is the stuff that keeps women hooked.

 

Were there red flags? Yes, but I didn't see them. I didn't know they were red flags until after I read that book. Then, lots of lightbulbs went on, and at least now I can spot men like this sooner. My problem is, how do I become unattracted to them. They're really charming, and very good at what they do to reel us in.

Edited February 2, 2016 by AMJ

[AMJ]

Case in point, you can read my other post about the very next relationship I ended up in. Two years after this one ended, the first person I'm finally attracted to is just another version of the same. The new guy was a lying narcissist who also has a major commitment problem. I'm giving myself some credit for not letting myself fall so quickly, for not getting in as deep as I was the first time. But believe me, I often feel like an idiot for not being able to spot these jerks sooner. Then I remember that they are typically very dishonest about who they are and what they're looking for. Sometimes they're so screwed up they don't know what they want, which is more the case with my first ex than my second. Clearly I have some issues if I find myself in these situations more than once, which I'm learning is due to my pretty dysfunctional childhood..but this is about you, not me!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/568176-why-why-why-will-he-not-leave-me-alone-scary-narcissist

[nasc88]

I guess I just feel extra confused because we had conversations about relationships and where we wanted to go and his past. We discussed if he'd ever want to get married again etc.

 

Also, I may not have portrayed his call properly because he in no way sounded desperate. Perhaps a bit drunk. He was just calling to tell me I was awesome, he enjoyed our time together, he's glad he had met me and ended it by saying "I'm rooting for you." Which hurt. A lot.

 

So what I'm struggling with is if I should respond. I feel like I might have been slightly irrational on the phone conversation. When I asked if he wanted to end things or take a break and he couldn't answer me I just sort of lost it I felt so hurt and stunned because it really seemed to come out of no where. He was emailing me that morning places to go snowshoeing. So part of me wants to send a message to him that says "I didn't know if I should respond. Your words seemed so final but I'm still confused but the abrupt ending of things." I don't know. I know I will not hear from him again. I have dated people. I have dated people for long periods of time. I have never felt so safe and comfortable with a person as I did with him. That's why it hurts.

[AMJ]

When I was in your shoes, there was no one, no way, no how, could keep me from going after what I wanted. Definitely not strangers on the internet. I didn't even question my own feelings enough to have the kind of doubt to ask advice from other people. But I think I was already involved about ten feet deeper than you are now. At the time, in my mind, him and I were meant to be together, and his fear of a relationship was just one obstacle in the way of that happening.

 

I don't know what you should do, only you can know that. I will say that telling yourself your reaction on the phone was irrational, is the early stages of blaming yourself for his behavior. I know this, because I've done that too. Many times. You felt him slipping away, you didn't know why, and you were upset. That's why you reacted the way you did. If you didn't care about this guy, you wouldn't be upset if he slipped away. That's not irrational, that's the opposite. That's how people react when we lose something we care about keeping.

 

It sounds like he backed away because he's realized he hurt you. He's not ready to be responsible for your feelings yet. Don't blame yourself for caring too much, or having too many feelings, because likely he also wanted you to be in exactly the place you're in now. That's what all the hardcore woo-ing was about. I know you're going to read it, but the book explains this way better than I can, even though I did read it twice. The common thread amongst all men like this is that they suffer from internal conflict. They want closeness, intimacy, a relationship- but once they have it they panic and run in the opposite direction. The quicker they run, the more intense your connection was. Intimacy is threatening. My ex eventually even admitted he felt this way on more than one occasion. Specifically the thought of being responsible for my feelings and well being really frightened him. I think a big reason he was so attracted to me in the first place is that I am an unusually independent woman. I'm not needy, I don't make demands about how often we see each other or when we communicate. I have my own life, and it's already full. I'm not desperate for a man. That made him feel safe, like I didn't need him. But then I fell in love, and I became "needy".

 

During that time I'd also tell my friends, when they questioned why I was putting up with this, "I've never been so sure about anyone or anything in my entire life. I know he loves me, I know he wants to be with me, he's just terrified." It took a long time to make peace with it, but ultimately I did realize that while his feelings for me were real, he also hated having those feelings-period. I've been curious, and probably always will be, if he'll ever end up in a relationship. It's been four years since we broke up, and he's 40 years old. And he is still single. Somehow that is comforting, like he actually meant it when he said he didn't want a relationship, and it wasn't just that he didn't want me.

Edited February 2, 2016 by AMJ

[cichlids]

Relationships that start so intensely and move so fast often burn out for reasons that are beyond the scope of this thread but that appears to be exactly what happened.

 

Next time don't let the guy set the pace, take it slow and let things build gradually.

 

You'll be much less likely to find yourself in this situation.

[nasc88]

Hi everyone:

 

I posted a few days ago about a break up I had with a man I had been dating for 4 months. After everything going great (or I thought) he called me last week and told me that things were moving too fast and his emotions weren't catching up with his expectations for where the relationship was.

 

On Sunday he called and left me a voicemail (I was out with friends and truly didn't hear my phone) telling me how much he treasured our memories, he thought I was awesome and he was "rooting for me."

 

So long story short I couldn't leave it the way it was. I felt I needed closure. So I texted him last night and said that I got his message and wasn't sure if I should respond. I still felt uneasy and confused by the abrupt ending of things.

 

He responded IMMEDIATELY: Hi, I'd like to talk some more. Blah blah work stuff So maybe tomorrow if you're available. To which I responded "yes."

 

Now, here is the question...how do I handle this conversation? I am not naive enough (although hoping deep down I am wrong) that his conversation is one to get back together. What do I say to not scare him off but make sure my feelings are expressed? I am sick to my stomach over this.

 

I know it sounds like "only 4 months?" We really clicked (or I thought) and I know we moved fast but he's 45 and I'm 39. I truly think that the older you get sometimes the faster things move and I guess end.

 

Thoughts?

[Gaeta]

I think first you need to listen to what he has to say, really listen. When he speaks don't work your next reply in your mind, just completely listen to him. If he says something and you are not sure of what he means then ask him to explain. Don't hesitate to ask things like : What does it mean concretely.

 

Then you can take it all and ask for some time to think about it. You don't have to tell him right away yes you want him back or yes you're ok with slowing it down. If on the other hand you know exactly what you want right there and then than speak it. If you scare a man with expressing your relationship needs then he's not the one for you. Especially after 4 months dating you should be able to express hopes, fears, concerns without scaring him away.

[nasc88]

Thank you AMJ. I appreciate your response. It helps to hear other people's views. Especially those who don't know me and aren't saying what I feel they are obligated to say because they are my friends. If that makes sense?

 

I have however broken down and texted him. I simply said I know his words sound final but I felt uneasy and confused at the abrupt ending of things. He said he would like to talk more too. We're suppose to talk tonight. My stomach is in knots. I'm not naive enough to think this will be a pleasant call of "let's try this again" but for my own sanity I needed to have that final call I guess. I just hope I can handle it properly.

[katiegrl]

Hi nasc .....sorry about your break up.

 

But I have a question. Why are you afraid of saying something that will *scare him off*? He is already gone....I mean you are broken up, right?

 

Just speak your mind. Don't worry about how it will affect *him*. You take care of YOU. You say whatever you need to say. Let him worry about himself.

 

Women (and men) need to stop walking on eggshells all the time....for fear of *scaring the other off*.

 

They will sense your fear and THAT will scare them off. Not anything you say. To the contrary, they will respect you more for being so open and honest and standing up for yourself and what YOU want!

 

Good luck and hope you feel better, and get whatever closure you need?

[Erdbeere]

Is maintaining a friendship with him an option?

[nasc88]

Relationships that start so intensely and move so fast often burn out for reasons that are beyond the scope of this thread but that appears to be exactly what happened.

 

Next time don't let the guy set the pace, take it slow and let things build gradually.

 

You'll be much less likely to find yourself in this situation.

 

cichilds this is very true and valuable advice - I guess I need to work on ME and my needs and expressing them rather than giving into someone else for fear that they won't be interested...

[Redhead14]

Hi everyone:

 

I posted a few days ago about a break up I had with a man I had been dating for 4 months. After everything going great (or I thought) he called me last week and told me that things were moving too fast and his emotions weren't catching up with his expectations for where the relationship was.

 

On Sunday he called and left me a voicemail (I was out with friends and truly didn't hear my phone) telling me how much he treasured our memories, he thought I was awesome and he was "rooting for me."

 

So long story short I couldn't leave it the way it was. I felt I needed closure. So I texted him last night and said that I got his message and wasn't sure if I should respond. I still felt uneasy and confused by the abrupt ending of things.

 

He responded IMMEDIATELY: Hi, I'd like to talk some more. Blah blah work stuff So maybe tomorrow if you're available. To which I responded "yes."

 

Now, here is the question...how do I handle this conversation? I am not naive enough (although hoping deep down I am wrong) that his conversation is one to get back together. What do I say to not scare him off but make sure my feelings are expressed? I am sick to my stomach over this.

 

I know it sounds like "only 4 months?" We really clicked (or I thought) and I know we moved fast but he's 45 and I'm 39. I truly think that the older you get sometimes the faster things move and I guess end.

 

Thoughts?

 

Let him talk first and listen. You do not open the conversation. You do not know what he is going to say. He may be wanting to move things forward with you after having taken some time to evaluate, he may, however, possibly be meeting with you to respectfully and personally end it for good.

 

If he wants to move forward, you shouldn't have any trouble with a response. If he's ending it for good, you need to breathe, accept it gracefully and with dignity and wish him well.

[nasc88]

I think first you need to listen to what he has to say, really listen. When he speaks don't work your next reply in your mind, just completely listen to him. If he says something and you are not sure of what he means then ask him to explain. Don't hesitate to ask things like : What does it mean concretely.

 

Then you can take it all and ask for some time to think about it. You don't have to tell him right away yes you want him back or yes you're ok with slowing it down. If on the other hand you know exactly what you want right there and then than speak it. If you scare a man with expressing your relationship needs then he's not the one for you. Especially after 4 months dating you should be able to express hopes, fears, concerns without scaring him away.

 

This is such excellent advice. Thank you. I guess I'm so unsure with myself that it is probably coming through to him as well. You're right. I need to be confident and if I'm afraid to say how I feel than this isn't right.

 

Thank you.

[nasc88]

Is maintaining a friendship with him an option?

 

Unfortunately it is not. I personally would have a very hard time going from where we were to friends.

[nasc88]

Let him talk first and listen. You do not open the conversation. You do not know what he is going to say. He may be wanting to move things forward with you after having taken some time to evaluate, he may, however, possibly be meeting with you to respectfully and personally end it for good.

 

If he wants to move forward, you shouldn't have any trouble with a response. If he's ending it for good, you need to breathe, accept it gracefully and with dignity and wish him well.

 

 

Thank you. You are 100% correct. I guess I just needed to hear this from people outside of my immediate circle who I know are protecting me and I believe are just saying things to make me feel better. As they say prepare for the worst and hope for the best right?

 

I just don't know if I'm setting myself up for more heartbreak but thinking perhaps this is somewhat hopeful he wants to talk.

[Gaeta]

I read something this morning that said:

 

Sometimes, something good needs to end to make room for something much better.

 

Let us know how that goes.

[Erdbeere]

Even if he did want to get back together, I think you cannot just pick up from where you left off. My instinct is you'd need to rebuild something, in order that you don't have trust issues with him. A man cannot have 1 foot in the door and 1 foot out, and that also wouldn't be good for your self esteem. If he wants to get back together, you need to have some breathing space of a few weeks to see if it's really wise to get back together. Otherwise, if he just wants to explain why it hasn't worked for him to be with you, just listen and be accepting of his reasons. You'll then have a chance to say whatever you need to.

[nasc88]

Let him talk first and listen. You do not open the conversation. You do not know what he is going to say. He may be wanting to move things forward with you after having taken some time to evaluate, he may, however, possibly be meeting with you to respectfully and personally end it for good.

 

If he wants to move forward, you shouldn't have any trouble with a response. If he's ending it for good, you need to breathe, accept it gracefully and with dignity and wish him well.

 

Even if he did want to get back together, I think you cannot just pick up from where you left off. My instinct is you'd need to rebuild something, in order that you don't have trust issues with him. A man cannot have 1 foot in the door and 1 foot out, and that also wouldn't be good for your self esteem. If he wants to get back together, you need to have some breathing space of a few weeks to see if it's really wise to get back together. Otherwise, if he just wants to explain why it hasn't worked for him to be with you, just listen and be accepting of his reasons. You'll then have a chance to say whatever you need to.

 

 

Thank you. This is very good advice. He's traveling for work for almost the entire month of February. He is home maybe 3 days total. There would be no choice but to have some breathing space. I just sort of need to understand the abruptness of how and why it all ended. When we originally spoke on the phone I thought we had broken up but I wasn't even sure. I guess I just need closure. Heartbreak is perhaps one of the worst feelings in the world.

[nasc88]

I read something this morning that said:

 

Sometimes, something good needs to end to make room for something much better.

 

Let us know how that goes.

 

That's funny that you say this. I work with a man from China who is so kind but who is still learning what social norms are acceptable (english being his second language." He said to me we have a saying in China that you must get rid of the old to make room for the new. I am not sure why but it made me laugh. I'm usually quite a bubbly person so unfortunately everyone has noticed how down I have been feeling.

[Erdbeere]

It isn't just heartbreak, though. I think you need to be a bit more clear about what has changed for you in real terms. For example, you now feel uncertain, whereas you previously felt you were moving in a direction with him together. You may now feel he's untrustworthy, because he has ended things, rather than work with you to make them better etc. The problem with just calling it all heartbreak is that word, alone, is too vague. Whether with him, or with a new man, it will help you to think about why this has hurt you so much.

[AMJ]

Of course you texted him, I would have too

Good luck! I truly hope it goes well for you.