sweet honeydew Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 My friend could not make up her mind. The amount is very large, because he was highly successful while they were married. He is still a professional but his disposable income is very limited. Also if he's make more in the future, he has to pay more. So he is not very motivated to make more money. Do you think lifetime alimony means a man is unable to fully (financially and emotionally) commit to you? This feel like the modern day version of slavery. A slave can't be committed in a relationship even if he wants to. It is just draining in everyway. Or do you think they can still be happy together if she is willing to pay for everything?
carhill Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Sounds like it's a quantifiable bill, like any other in life. We all have them, in one way or another. If he can't afford to socialize, well, either he figures out a way to do it or he doesn't do it. My bet is he can make lifestyle adjustments to accommodate a social life. It's a choice. Would I date a woman with a similar obligation? Sure, especially at my age, providing it wasn't front and center in our interactions, no differently than my obligations being front and center. We're all adults and take care of our own business.
Els Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 There is no such thing as lifetime alimony in the country I live in (and indeed in most developed countries AFAIK), so the point is moot. 2
smackie9 Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Uggh too ugly for my liking. I'd take a pass on that.
Art_Critic Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 It wouldn't matter to me, however many times someone agrees to this type of alimony if the marriage was a long term one and other assets such as a 401-K or a Business was used to offset this, so he may have agreed to it just the keep all of the 401-K value or to keep her out of the Company...
basil67 Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Is it truly lifetime alimony? What country are you in?
smackie9 Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 It's not about the money....it's the drama that it is tied to.
Author sweet honeydew Posted January 31, 2016 Author Posted January 31, 2016 Is it truly lifetime alimony? What country are you in? It is in US. It is called permanent alimony and not as uncommon as we think. goggle it or see Taking the 'Permanent' Out of Permanent Alimony - US News Very true. Well money is part of it. Not everyone is ready to lower their own lifestyle for a relationship. But it is mostly about how it affect the new relationship. He has to spend most of his time away from you working for another woman. He resents it and it's on his mind and affects his mood sometimes. I agree it is draining like many other potential problems in life, such as ill elder parents, very young or disable children, etc....The difference, however, is that he is "slaving" away for Another Woman. That's kind of hard to take. I wonder if men would accept a woman who has to cook for her ex everyday, even if she doesn't see him at all.
basil67 Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Thanks for the link. No surprise that many US posters are wary of marriage! 2
cichlids Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 There is no such thing as lifetime alimony in the country I live in (and indeed in most developed countries AFAIK), so the point is moot. Then why bother posting? Its like posting on a flowers forum that you don't like flowers. Pointless.
Els Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Then why bother posting? Its like posting on a flowers forum that you don't like flowers. Pointless. But this isn't a forum about lifetime alimony. And the OP's specific question was "Would you date a man who has to pay lifetime alimony?", to which my answer is "No, because such men don't exist here". 3
MidwestUSA Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Then why bother posting? Its like posting on a flowers forum that you don't like flowers. Pointless. Well, someone like me reads it, and thinks 'wow, I didn't know that'. Isn't it just as pointless to spend time nitpicking what you consider to be useless information? 2
carhill Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 In my state, such alimony is generally only granted in the case of long marriages, 20+ years, and with caveats, so a woman who had been married 20+ years and subject to an alimony payment would indicate to me that: 1. She knows how to engage in long-term relationships, a plus in my book. Staying married for 20+ years isn't a cake walk. It takes commitment. 2. She is equally committed to her career and producing income and assets, so much so to sufficiently out earn her former spouse and contribute to such a lifestyle that the courts chose to order her to maintain that lifestyle for her former spouse. This would also be considered a plus because of the intelligence and commitment it takes to succeed to that level. In my state, 'lifetime' orders run with the life of the parties, or until the recipient remarries, unless the parties have agreed differently. There are also motions which can be made to the court regarding employability (for a spouse who is employable but chooses to remain unemployed) and income changes. While it might be vastly different for young folks, people my age are generally pretty independent and settled. Sure, divorce is upsetting and monetary obligations from it can be a thorn in one's side for time. That's part of the risk of marriage, and relationships in general. The person in this case can either accept the curbed lifestyle of the man in question, or not. If they're dating a lifestyle, they are. If a man, that. It's totally their choice and preference. If he's a highly compensated professional, he's attracting similar social strata due to what it takes to become that and those women will have strong preferences about a man's lifestyle, in general, so the hesitancy is normal. If they have to consider his lifestyle as an aspect at the beginning, and view the current circumstances as a negative, then it's better to move on without comment or interaction. It's a miss.
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Could he not go to court and plead change of circumstances and at least get the amount reduced? I'm sure I have heard of such instances occurring.....
carhill Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Yes, in my state one can both motion the court to reduce the amount if income change warrants it as well as petition the court for a Gavron warning to advise an otherwise employable ex-spouse to seek employment. In my case, I dealt with a bit of this from the other side because my exW's alimony from her second husband would run until she got remarried so that factored into her timeline for marrying me. However, I believe it was a seven year deal, not lifetime but would terminate on remarriage.
Author sweet honeydew Posted January 31, 2016 Author Posted January 31, 2016 Could he not go to court and plead change of circumstances and at least get the amount reduced? I'm sure I have heard of such instances occurring..... I don't know about the law, but apparently it is up to the judge with no clear rules on modifying. I am sure everyone in it had tried, but many fail to change it, even lawyers themselves. See some of the stories here: Alimony Hardship Stories I personally know 2 men driven into homeless situation and can't even afford food. (living with elder parents) All their wages go directly to pay alimony. 1
cichlids Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 But this isn't a forum about lifetime alimony. And the OP's specific question was "Would you date a man who has to pay lifetime alimony?", to which my answer is "No, because such men don't exist here". They certainly could exist there. People have been known to move from place to place now and again.
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