Dating a mother, toddlers misbehavior highly tolerated

January 31, 2016

So have been dating a girl with 2 kids, one is 3yo boy the other is 1.5yo girl

myself and the mother have been fighting through many arguments about lots of things, we are both defensive and refuse to be vulnerable types of people

we actually had a positive night for a change, was warming and loving and we showed each other that we could be peaceful and not playing banter wars as to who could say the coolest thing

anyways next day a separate issue showed its ugly head, in what is a 3yo boy whos very much every decision is bad behavior. She puts him in time out eventually but most times he is being manipulative, power hungry, rude, argumentative, and quite aggressive to his little sister and generally gets away with sillyness 9 times out of 10.

Im a male and from the old school of strictness, and find it very hard to tolerate little kids or puppies roaming homes trashing all in sight, being ridiculous and obsessive with tantrums and tears when theyre not getting what they want

throughout the relationship ive generally kept quiet about him, but yesterday when he comes along and kicks his little sisters plate of food off the floor, i erupted grabbed him by arm pit and dragged him into time out room, along with my verbal temper

the mother is great, they are well fed, well dressed well loved, but im disturbed how the development of the child's personality is not really cared for. If a child is misbehaving, you take action, you dont tolerate it and turn a blind eye, because all you are doing is permitting more misbehavior which in the long term is creating a little monster.

bringing up a child should also be about raising a little champion, not housing the countrys future biggest w#nker". The ground work for who he becomes must be done now and she dismisses it all saying, he's only 3 theres no need to worry about it just yet

anyways after expressing my disliking for the boys freedom to be a consistent "idiot" i pretty much grabbed my stuff and left. Likely never to return

i dont know what im asking, just venting i guess.... but i appreciate any thoughts

January 31, 2016

Sounds like a contenuous relationship without the kids if one night of peace and love is noteworthy.

I have dated a mother before, so listen up: If you don't like the way she parents, then get out now. You have no say in it right now and even if you become a more stable fixture in her life, you will always defer to her when it comes to her children. Understand what that all entails. I grossly underestimated what that meant and encountered much frustration over the years because we were never true equals when it came to her kids, even as the relationship got more serious.

January 31, 2016

If you are not the father then you have no say so in this matter, those children are too young to understand what they are going thru, not having their father and mother as a unit affects the children and they will normally act out, many times in anger.

It sounds like your GF is handling it correctly, she isn't ignoring the bad behavior but correcting it and showing patients and love... patients and love are the easiest ways to help a child acting out over their parents being broken up.

I say you do nothing and pay attention to why you are arguing with their mother and hopefully you are not doing that within earshot as that could also be why they are acting out.

January 31, 2016

It's so sad that she doesn't have better boundaries with this child. It's equally sad that you'd take out your anger on a child. Poor kid.

Parenting actually needs a great deal of self control if you're to deal with the issues in an effective way. Being too soft or not controlling our anger are equally poor parenting techniques. One of mine can make me furious, but letting my fury fly only results in poor outcomes. A very firm response is far more effective.

Anyway, it's good that you won't see her again. One poor parent is bad, but a poor parent and another poor role model with conflicting ideas is worse.

January 31, 2016

I would also say that tantrums and tears when not getting what they want is better than giving kids all they want. As long as the tantruming child never wins the argument, they will eventually realise that it doesn't work and stop.

January 31, 2016

So have been dating a girl with 2 kids, one is 3yo boy the other is 1.5yo girl

myself and the mother have been fighting through many arguments about lots of things, we are both defensive and refuse to be vulnerable types of people

we actually had a positive night for a change, was warming and loving and we showed each other that we could be peaceful and not playing banter wars as to who could say the coolest thing

anyways next day a separate issue showed its ugly head, in what is a 3yo boy whos very much every decision is bad behavior. She puts him in time out eventually but most times he is being manipulative, power hungry, rude, argumentative, and quite aggressive to his little sister and generally gets away with sillyness 9 times out of 10.

Im a male and from the old school of strictness, and find it very hard to tolerate little kids or puppies roaming homes trashing all in sight, being ridiculous and obsessive with tantrums and tears when theyre not getting what they want

throughout the relationship ive generally kept quiet about him, but yesterday when he comes along and kicks his little sisters plate of food off the floor, i erupted grabbed him by arm pit and dragged him into time out room, along with my verbal temper

the mother is great, they are well fed, well dressed well loved, but im disturbed how the development of the child's personality is not really cared for. If a child is misbehaving, you take action, you dont tolerate it and turn a blind eye, because all you are doing is permitting more misbehavior which in the long term is creating a little monster.

bringing up a child should also be about raising a little champion, not housing the countrys future biggest w#nker". The ground work for who he becomes must be done now and she dismisses it all saying, he's only 3 theres no need to worry about it just yet

anyways after expressing my disliking for the boys freedom to be a consistent "idiot" i pretty much grabbed my stuff and left. Likely never to return

i dont know what im asking, just venting i guess.... but i appreciate any thoughts

Run away and don't look back dude. It ain't worth it.

January 31, 2016

Well i appreciate replies thus far

Ive also copped a hit there and youre right my self control was lost

When u meet a child anywhere u think wow what a great kid or u may walk away thinking eww that kid was not a fun experience, that little 'skippy' was a little bit untamed and disturbing on many occassions

As a role model ive been expressing to 'skippy' hey lets be good boy, naughty boys get in big trouble etc etc ive been coaching & guiding him

But seeing that every decision the child is making each and every 5 seconds is the 'naughty' one i become accumulated with frustration and yesterday blew my lid

Hopefully me highlighting her tolerance for persistent bad behavior will help her to consider making adjustments because essentially this kids future is on the line here with this. Correct disciplines are critical in making any person a quality person and i simply fear this boy with such allowance is being trained to be untame

If i didnt care about him i doubt i would say anything and just laugh about it, such as "haha that kid is hard to like". Which im sure many other parents who meet him would be saying

If this breakup causes mother to tighten the chain a little then my outburst could be positive for the kids development as a person in the long term

January 31, 2016

I would think the fact they are in the process of a divorce is most of the reason for the acting out and by not tolerating the acting out by correcting in a stern fashion is akin to abuse...IMO...

Your GF is doing the correct type of parenting and as a parent myself if I ever was to find myself going thru a divorce and my soon to be ex was to let a BF discipline my child I'd take him out to the wood shed and show him what fer...

The children are not yours and not yours to discipline at all, if you are looking for something different then the best thing you could do for those children is stop dating her and go find someone who is a better fit for you.

I get from your postings that you think you correcting them and not putting up with them acting out is good for them, but you are soooo wrong..

I have been in the step parents role before and can tell you patients and love is the only way to win over this issue rather than stepping up and disciplining them.

Put yourself in their shoes, their family unit was just broken up, their parents are not getting along and Dad no longer lives with them.. pretty rough .. huh ?

January 31, 2016

If this breakup causes mother to tighten the chain a little then my outburst could be positive for the kids development as a person in the long term

I very much doubt this will be the outcome. I just can't see her sitting back and thinking "Bender got angry with my kid, so I'd better change my parenting style". Losing one's **** rarely brings a positive outcome.

January 31, 2016

yep some good thoughts guys

i have previously been through a relationship of children that had ADHD and the mother refused to treat these boys. It was children at there worst, i have seen hell

It is fine to have compassion for the present situation i agree, but the future cannot be forgotten and turning a blind eye to your son breaking the rules is a recipe for disaster

it is allowing a monster in the making, especially at the age of 3, and by the time he turns 4 preschools will be having him evicted

what i see in the home is a boy who thinks he can drag adults around with a leash, a grown up has a right to growl and to be stern because otherwise children go on the merry way and refuse to listen.

it is revolting to watch the development of a beautiful young boy evolving into a pig of an individual

when he decided to firstly punch the hell out of his sister because she got to sit on my lap and he didnt, and then secondly come along and kick all the food on his sisters plate all over the floor (which his mother spent 20 minutes making).... im sorry im gonna blow my lid and put him in time out.

i dont care who's kid he is that is not acceptable and by not coaching him and telling him thats not acceptable allows him to think its ok to do next time

IMO letting it slide is crap & lazy parenting for the development of the child's future personality... youre either raising a decent person or your creating a pig of an individual that everybody hates and dislikes having around.

Edited January 31, 2016 by bender1

January 31, 2016

You can't even control yourself to not fight with the mother and act like an adult so don't chastise them for being toddlers.

Move on...those kids need someone compassionate and mature,

Grumps

January 31, 2016

This kids problem is that he's 3. You can condem him for it, but it doesn't change the fact that this is how 3 year olds behave

January 31, 2016

You can't even control yourself to not fight with the mother and act like an adult so don't chastise them for being toddlers.
Move on...those kids need someone compassionate and mature,
Grumps

Haha true grumps

January 31, 2016

Can't edit my last post, but want to add that it is nearly impossible to set boundaries and consequences for a 3 year old. Many may try; but the fact is, they don't really have the capacity for that yet. That comes in a year or two. Three year olds are the center of their own world and absolutely nothing else matters. Seems like you don't really understand child development, honestly.

January 31, 2016

This kids problem is that he's 3. You can condem him for it, but it doesn't change the fact that this is how 3 year olds behave

Ok so he is 3 so lets not teach him anything at all

My parents arent together and im is 3, so thats a free ticket to do whatever i like whohooo!!

But yes i understand what your saying

January 31, 2016

This is why I'll never date a woman with kids.

January 31, 2016

im sorry im gonna blow my lid and put him in time out.

I think you're forgetting the fact that he's not your kid and you do not have parental rights. Treat you own kids as you want, but it's not OK to "blow your lid" at someone else's child.

I can't help but wonder if you're the guy who special needs mums complain about. The guy who not thinks a tantruming 8yo on the supermarket floor simply needs discipline - and doesn't hesitate to give his opinion on the matter.

January 31, 2016

I think you're forgetting the fact that he's not your kid and you do not have parental rights. Treat you own kids as you want, but it's not OK to "blow your lid" at someone else's child.

I can't help but wonder if you're the guy who special needs mums complain about. The guy who not thinks a tantruming 8yo on the supermarket floor simply needs discipline - and doesn't hesitate to give his opinion on the matter.

Yes well shes free to jump on tinder now to find the next decent guy whos willing to endure her divorce bs. And im sure after 3 months he will also be saying "geeze ur boy is a bit over the top"

But you know, most guys will likely bang her a couple times and run

But yea as u insinuate im the bad guy here because im caring of his personality development more than anyone. #omg

Edited January 31, 2016 by bender1

January 31, 2016

Yes well shes free to jump on tinder now to find the next decent guy whos willing to endure her divorce bs. And im sure after 3 months he will also be saying "geeze ur boy is a bit over the top"

But you know, most guys will likely bang her a couple times and run

But yea as u insinuate im the bad guy here because im caring of his personality development more than anyone. #omg

You got a funny way of showing it.

First of all, if you're going to get involved with mums and young kids, do some child development studying and read up on different stages of education, development and character-forming.

You need to understand how their minds work, in order to affect them positively. If you go in all guns blazing, thinking you're doing the right thing - guess what? It will invariably be the wrong thing, as you have discovered.

Secondly: Get this through your head: YOU HAVE NO RIGHT, EVER, EVER - to discipline another person's child, unless it is an expressed request to do so. And then there has to be prior agreement on levels and ways of discipline.

By the time this status arrives, however, you will have been in the relationship a sufficient amount of time for the children to see you as a fixed feature, and will already be looking to you as a co-adult involved in their lives.

The kid may be only three. He has a lifetime ahead of him for learning.

Sadly - you have much to learn, too...

Good luck.

January 31, 2016

I think you're not very good at this. If all one needs to do to deal with an unruly 3 year old is firm discipline, then the world would be a different place. You assume a firm hand is the answer, you assume there IS one answer. No no no no... there's a lot more to it. I once saw a real "pro" handle a toddler (not her own). She never once "corrected" bad behavior, because he was putty in her hands and well-behaved because he wanted to be. Basically most parenting is making mistakes. Who went to Toddler Wrangling School? Only few people really know what they're doing.

January 31, 2016

You're being so dramatic about the situation. It is just a 3 year old, that's what kids at that age do. That's when you teach them discipline yes but in this case you are nobody to take that role, I bet you and the mom are not even married therefore you have no say in the matter. You think he is a problem now just wait until they become teens. If you have no patience with unruly kids then you shouldn't be dating single mothers. Go find a women who is a better fit that can give you your own childrento disciplineas you please.

January 31, 2016

Blah blah

Bad behavior... time out or naughty chair

If u wanna give em a lollipop because u cant be bothered getting up off your chair for the sake of correcting his personality for the better then i feel sorry for whoever ur raising. Ur too busy watching tv so u haven't got time to correct ur misbehavior. Instead youll give love and patience haha

Just like for you and me if we wanna behave badly we cop the brunt of our correctional services. We soon learn our lesson

Children are so sweet and cute, but they too are very bright and manipulating grown ups is one of their favorite past times.

Isolate them and take away privelages. Children need to know the difference between right and wrong. All this particular child executes is the wrong at present and i assure you the problem is building by the hour

Is that how they create elite soldiers in the military? With love and patience?

January 31, 2016

You are funny, bender1, soldiers in a military now?

I think time-out for you!

January 31, 2016

Blah blah

Bad behavior... time out or naughty chair

If u wanna give em a lollipop because u cant be bothered getting up off your chair for the sake of correcting his personality for the better then i feel sorry for whoever ur raising. Ur too busy watching tv so u haven't got time to correct ur misbehavior. Instead youll give love and patience haha

Just like for you and me if we wanna behave badly we cop the brunt of our correctional services. We soon learn our lesson

Children are so sweet and cute, but they too are very bright and manipulating grown ups is one of their favorite past times.

Isolate them and take away privelages. Children need to know the difference between right and wrong. All this particular child executes is the wrong at present and i assure you the problem is building by the hour

Is that how they create elite soldiers in the military? With love and patience?

How about you start writing properly instead of resorting to 'txt-speak'?

It;s a forum, not a 'phone. You can use long words, you won't get punished for 'text-length'.

If you'd like forum members to contribute, then communicating properly, helps.

And as a parent - and grand-parent - myself, having successfully raised two well-rounded, grounded individuals, I believe myself to be eminently more qualified to speak about raising children, and discipline, than you are.

January 31, 2016

Blah blah

Bad behavior... time out or naughty chair

If u wanna give em a lollipop because u cant be bothered getting up off your chair for the sake of correcting his personality for the better then i feel sorry for whoever ur raising. Ur too busy watching tv so u haven't got time to correct ur misbehavior. Instead youll give love and patience haha

Just like for you and me if we wanna behave badly we cop the brunt of our correctional services. We soon learn our lesson

Children are so sweet and cute, but they too are very bright and manipulating grown ups is one of their favorite past times.

Isolate them and take away privelages. Children need to know the difference between right and wrong. All this particular child executes is the wrong at present and i assure you the problem is building by the hour

Is that how they create elite soldiers in the military? With love and patience?

I don't think that anyone is suggesting that a three year old shouldn't be taught right from wrong. And perhaps his mother is lax on discipline. I've only got your word for it, but for sake of argument I will assume that she doesn't guide him well.

However the fact remains that you have no right to discipline someone else's child. All of us have see poor parenting and probably been frustrated by it. But disagreeing with the parent does not give us the right to intervene.

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Dating a mother, toddlers misbehavior highly tolerated

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