Anyone who's abruptly lost their feelings towards someone? [update]

[FTM042014]

New here. I am looking for feedback from anyone who found themselves really really liking someone and then without much warning suddenly losing that feeling and could not pinpoint why.

 

It happened to me. After the second date she was dialed in. Totally in to me. At times I was concerned she liked me more than I liked her. Casually met her mom. Jumped into a relationship fast. She wanted me there every weekend. Texted me good morning every day and throughout each day. Made plans. Said stuff that pointed to a long term deal. On a Sunday she was jokingly upset that I wanted to go him and chill before the work week started. By that Thursday she dumped me citing, "I don't have that giddy feeling anymore." Whole thing lasted 2 months.

 

A month later she admitted she still wasn't over the guy before me which she totally downplayed while we were together. She said she thought we hd something different and she hooed we'd find each other again. Still maintained even until very recently that she does not know why her feelings for me were lost.

 

Anyone been through this? Preferably someone who was in her shoes?

 

As an aside we reconnected at my insistence 3 months later. She was feeling it again, said she wanted me there. A week and a half later her feings were again magically gone and she was now seeing an old ex she never mentioned and categorized everything she'd said to me as "before this person came into my life"

[Been]

You were a rebound.

If your with a woman and she's always talking about her ex two things come to mind:she's still in contact with him. 2.She looking for an excuse to get back with him.

I bet money that he's either a drunk or a screw up. And that's why she left him.

But she holds out hope he'll change for her. And more then likely he tells her about all the improvements he made so she runs back to him. And she's sees he lied so she runs back to her security blanket-YOU.

If somebody breaks up with you multiple times for an ex you need to move on-unless you want to keep going back and forth.

Remember at best your her second choice and she's shown you that multiple times. You yourself should want more then that.

[Satu]

Rebound.

 

Bestow your affections where they may bear fruit.

[Gemma1]

This happens to emotionally immature people. Most people grow out of it, but some don't. I remember going through this with guys when I was younger. I grew out of it by the time I was 20 or so.

[Been]

Here I give you an example.

Started dating this woman. 2 months into it she basically tells me she isn't over her ex and she feels she has to give him one more chance to truly move on. At this point im not too much invested in her so it didn't really bother me.

Fast forward 2 months latter. She contacts me and wants to talk. I agree.

We meet up and she tells me her ex still can't stop drinking and she no longer wants that in her life. She states she thought of me and since her ex is truly out of her system she would like a chance to "really" date me. I agree.

For eight months everything is good. Then all of a sudden she starts pulling back so to speak. I talk with her. She says her ex has stopped drinking and for the last 2 months she's been "stopping by" his place. I'm floored. We break up.

Fast forward 3 months. She contacts me again. Tells me she feels she never "gave me a chance and didn't know what she had until I was gone".

I eat it up. We get back together.

Fast forward 5 months. She was going through changing jobs. So I figured I would help out-be the good boyfriend. Take her out and buy Christmas presents for her whole family. Pay her electric bill.

3 days after Christmas she's acting distant again. We have are "talk" again.

She says he contacted her and wished her happy holidays. And he sounded sober and now she can't get him off her mind. Never mind that I've been paying for EVERYTHING. He's all the sudden "sober". We break up. AGAIN.

Your situation is the same-trust me. You really want to go thru that then you keep letting contact you.

[mightycpa]

Here I give you an example.

Started dating this woman. 2 months into it she basically tells me she isn't over her ex and she feels she has to give him one more chance to truly move on. At this point im not too much invested in her so it didn't really bother me.

Fast forward 2 months latter. She contacts me and wants to talk. I agree.

We meet up and she tells me her ex still can't stop drinking and she no longer wants that in her life. She states she thought of me and since her ex is truly out of her system she would like a chance to "really" date me. I agree.

For eight months everything is good. Then all of a sudden she starts pulling back so to speak. I talk with her. She says her ex has stopped drinking and for the last 2 months she's been "stopping by" his place. I'm floored. We break up.

Fast forward 3 months. She contacts me again. Tells me she feels she never "gave me a chance and didn't know what she had until I was gone".

I eat it up. We get back together.

Fast forward 5 months. She was going through changing jobs. So I figured I would help out-be the good boyfriend. Take her out and buy Christmas presents for her whole family. Pay her electric bill.

3 days after Christmas she's acting distant again. We have are "talk" again.

She says he contacted her and wished her happy holidays. And he sounded sober and now she can't get him off her mind. Never mind that I've been paying for EVERYTHING. He's all the sudden "sober". We break up. AGAIN.

Your situation is the same-trust me. You really want to go thru that then you keep letting contact you.

Next time she comes back, you should ask if it would be ok to just bang her until the boyfriend sobers up again. Tell her you don't mind.

 

OP, let that be a lesson to you. Ex's really love it when you call them on their ****. They act angry at first, but they put up with it, because it's better than being alone.

Edited January 30, 2016 by mightycpa

[FTM042014]

She's 27 so immaturity is not going to go away with her if it hasn't yet. I don't think she set out to make me a rebound. I believe she probably started dating again just looking for fun and she ended up really liking me. But then she was forced to deal with the mess she created. It would even make more sense if she was now with the guy right before me that she said she wasnt over but she is with an ex from some time ago. So three different dudes she's claimed to "care for" in something like a nine month span or so.

 

This one is tough because of the things she said AFTER she dumped me. That totally was unnecessary you know? And then to basically dismiss it all once you randomly reconnect with some guy it already didn't work out with comes around. And she's willing to move back home for this guy, 10 hours away. That fast. She makes sudden major decisions on a whim.

 

One of those girls that is forever chasing that honeymoon phase. Women are so good at that Mr. Right Now thing. I mean she made it seem like I was the best thing ever to her. Now she's telling this dude that no doubt she even told me when we were together that it had been a long time since a guy made her feel like a giddy school girl the way I did.

 

Karma's a beast and it all has to catch up with her. The guy in her life may change but she doesn't and that's the bottom line. Just don't waste my time.

[FTM042014]

Relapsed huge and emailed her. First time since November. I'm pretty sure she's still with the ex bf she got with 2 months after dumping me out of the blue. I am so tired of this pain. I am in hell constantly. I've been in therapy since she dumped me. I'm on medication again. Nothing helps. My friends and family have heard it all over and over again and they've been great. But I feel so alone. I feel so defeated and unwanted and I can't stand myself for being so weak. Does it ever end? All I did was make her happy and treat her right but she left me suddenly. And I am stuck. How do you drag yourself out of this? It's been too long with the pain.

[coolheadal]

My Ex cheated on me so the NC lasted for 5 years and then one day she had knocked on my door. I was shocked she was there. Told me she was worried about me she had her new BF in the SUV and wanted him inside my house nope he's not coming in here. I don't have any feelings for her I could see she still does for me but it's over 5 years and now 6 years.

 

You have to let them go you're still have anchor on your ex drop that anchor and sail away. Friends and family don't want to hear about it again. Like a broken record that keeps on looping around and around. Again if you want to stay friends with the NC you can, if not then get away from her. She'll never be what you want and you can't change her into what you want from her.

 

More on, because what you had is over and done. Mine wants to be friends. To me how can we just odd feeling to talk to her like everything was normal but it's not. So I keep my distance and don't bother with her at all.

[SixxChick]

The way I am "coping" is finally coming to terms with the fact that the person I loved did not exist. Think about if there were warning signs. I my case, they were littered all over the place. But the heart wants what it wants and it took over the rational side of me. Finally, I had to succumb to the fact that I knew where each chapter would end. I know this does not diminish the pain. But it will subside given time. You're not alone. And, yeah. It sucks. Wish I had a magic cure I could offer you.

[FTM042014]

I'm totally stuck in this. Way too long for what it was. Thanks guys.

[preraph]

I'm glad you asked how to drag yourself out of this, because that is exactly what you have to do. No one or nothing can do it for you. This is where you have to make a conscious decision to stop focusing on the situation. This is where every time you think of her, you stop and make yourself ONLY think of two bad things about her and not lapse into longing. You have control over yourself, but you're probably not used to exercising it. It's self-discipline, pure and simple.

 

You're getting it out in therapy, and that's great. Outside therapy, now stop letting yourself think about her. If dreams take over, then give yourself 2 minutes before you go to sleep to go over in your mind mostly just Is there anything I can do to fix this, and then shut it out and go to sleep. Making that short deliberate stab at troubleshooting it before sleep should keep your dreams from going into it.

 

From now on, don't talk about her at all when with friends or family. If they ask, give a brief comment, like "I'm just trying to move on to other things," and change the subject. Don't watch stuff that reminds you of her unless you are with someone who can distract you from that fact or it's a new potential love interest who can diffuse the association you have for that movie or music by creating a new memory and association with it. Don't let her ruin things for you. It's within your power. You just have to decide you are tired of being miserable and take steps to make yourself stop punishing yourself over it.

 

And the best thing is to stay very socially busy right now. If there's not too many friends around to keep you busy, then go on vacation alone or go do something you love alone that will bring you joy. Staying busy is important not only because it will give you a distraction from it but because it also makes you a more interesting person who has something to talk about besides being heartbroken -- plus it's the best way to meet new friends and new girlfriends. Good luck.

[Satu]

A snip from my journal:

 

 

"When you were with her, you chose to have her as the exact centre of your universe.

 

You were in orbit around her.

 

Then she was gone, and you had nothing to orbit.

 

Now you have to place the centre of your universe inside yourself.

 

Once you have done that, the empty place inside you will no longer be empty, and you will begin to enjoy life again."

 

 

 

Your life is about you, not her.

 

 

Don't ever let your whole existence pivot on the presence or absence of one person again.

 

 

Take care.

[FTM042014]

My problem is EVERYTHING everywhere reminds me of her. I know I have to let go I just don't know how if that makes sense. I think the abrubt way she went from adoring me to dumping me and fast forwarding a relationship with an old ex f**ks with my head. I'm still dumbfounded. But I am trying.

[Satu]

Life is never about just one person.

 

Life isn't meant to be about just one person.

 

 

Take care.

[spiderowl]

My problem is EVERYTHING everywhere reminds me of her. I know I have to let go I just don't know how if that makes sense. I think the abrubt way she went from adoring me to dumping me and fast forwarding a relationship with an old ex f**ks with my head. I'm still dumbfounded. But I am trying.

 

I'm sorry and I know how much it hurts.

 

She was not the person you thought she was. She may be someone who totally adores one person then flips and adores another. She may well go on to do this to a series of others. It's hard to take in and it's painful.

 

But you are now free of someone who is so unpredictable, who can adore someone and then not the next minute. What does that say about her? Is that the kind of person you admire? You bonded with her so it hurts. It does not mean she was the right one. Someone better will come along, when you are ready, when you have untangled the threads that are still attached to her. You can make a conscious effort to picture them and untangle them, one by one, until they are gone. You don't need such tiresome threads.

 

Freedom lies ahead when you are ready.

 

xxxx

[CDJ]

Your experience sounds a lot like my own, OP (although different time scales perhaps).

 

My ex hooked up with someone two weeks after break-up back in August (and engineered a scenario whereby I went to her flat to give her bday presents and found them together). All those feelings and issues you've described - medication therapy, feeling that you're trapped in all of this - are exactly what I went through, as have many others here.

 

I believe there are certain checkpoints you have to get through - their first photo together, anniversaries, other reminders etc. - but the more of these you pass through, the easier it gets each time and those horrible feelings start to subside. For me, once xmas was out the way I felt like a huge weight lifted.

 

You're just going through the grieving process. I can't tell you how long it will take for these feelings to subside, but I can say that they will eventually. Just keep doing what you're doing - stick with the meds, the therapy, and share on this forum (and read other people's threads, too). And set yourself no contact goals: day without e-mail/checking social media, then a week, and so on.

 

Hang in there!

[privategal]

Relapsed huge and emailed her. First time since November. I'm pretty sure she's still with the ex bf she got with 2 months after dumping me out of the blue. I am so tired of this pain. I am in hell constantly. I've been in therapy since she dumped me. I'm on medication again. Nothing helps. My friends and family have heard it all over and over again and they've been great. But I feel so alone. I feel so defeated and unwanted and I can't stand myself for being so weak. Does it ever end? All I did was make her happy and treat her right but she left me suddenly. And I am stuck. How do you drag yourself out of this? It's been too long with the pain.

 

Its ok. SO many people break NC and its because your human and want answers.

When you are going through hell...keep going. It truly takes awhile before the sharper pains end.

She didn't answer cause shes guilty and can't face giving answers and being truthful. Let Karma do its work.

Don't EVEN sweat breaking NC...it makes you a good guy not a bad guy.

You weren't weak in doing so you just wanted justice. Its cool your gonna heal...its gonna be ok...the meds dont work over night. The pain doesn't end real quick but if you don't go through the pain you never heal.

Just know you aren't alone.

I bet one day even if many months or years later she reaches out and you will write to share with us all how you blocked her, ignored her, how you are proud you moved on.

Your cool!! Keep your chin up!!

[FTM042014]

Your experience sounds a lot like my own, OP (although different time scales perhaps).

 

My ex hooked up with someone two weeks after break-up back in August (and engineered a scenario whereby I went to her flat to give her bday presents and found them together). All those feelings and issues you've described - medication therapy, feeling that you're trapped in all of this - are exactly what I went through, as have many others here.

 

I believe there are certain checkpoints you have to get through - their first photo together, anniversaries, other reminders etc. - but the more of these you pass through, the easier it gets each time and those horrible feelings start to subside. For me, once xmas was out the way I felt like a huge weight lifted.

 

You're just going through the grieving process. I can't tell you how long it will take for these feelings to subside, but I can say that they will eventually. Just keep doing what you're doing - stick with the meds, the therapy, and share on this forum (and read other people's threads, too). And set yourself no contact goals: day without e-mail/checking social media, then a week, and so on.

 

Hang in there!

 

Thank you. I don't know what he looks like or his name she never said. I did some Facebook snooping when she first told me and I suspect who it is but no concrete evidence at all. That helps but hurts too because my OCD mind (diagnosed) fills in the blanks. I defriended her the day she dumped me and she has her profile set to private. I got through the holidays though it was hard. Next is Valentine's Day but I have plans with friends.

[FTM042014]

Its ok. SO many people break NC and its because your human and want answers.

When you are going through hell...keep going. It truly takes awhile before the sharper pains end.

She didn't answer cause shes guilty and can't face giving answers and being truthful. Let Karma do its work.

Don't EVEN sweat breaking NC...it makes you a good guy not a bad guy.

You weren't weak in doing so you just wanted justice. Its cool your gonna heal...its gonna be ok...the meds dont work over night. The pain doesn't end real quick but if you don't go through the pain you never heal.

Just know you aren't alone.

I bet one day even if many months or years later she reaches out and you will write to share with us all how you blocked her, ignored her, how you are proud you moved on.

Your cool!! Keep your chin up!!

 

Thanks! I feel alot better since I posted that. Meds may be kicking in lol. I think I finally got to the point where you wake up one day and realize you're thinking of it but its not killing you as much. I feel like I don't want her anymore but I'm still hurt and I still have feelings for her. I can finally say she is not the kind of woman I want. So that helps. My ego can't tolerate her being with him. That's the next hurdle to jump. But she is a bag of issues and he is now her problem not mine. I will take this situation as an example of how I do not want to treat a woman.

[privategal]

Really proud of your attitude. The ego takes a huge hit and alot of the pain is the self esteem lost.

None of us feel normal in the grieving process.

It gave me some control to delete my fb page and block everywhere...that way thdre was no way to online stalk and since phone and email are blocked it stops you from checking anymore so even if your cheating gigs ex DOES ever try to reach you or even if she doesn't...either way you wont know...and soon you wont care either.

Spring is around the corner, I know the sunshine helps me, I cant wait.

[acoustic]

I'm in the same situation as you, to an extent, except she's not seeing anyone else. I dated a girl for about 3 months, everything was fantastic, she was always saying she misses me, and texting me daily, seeing me like 3-4 times a week. But then, out of nowhere, she needed space and was confused about getting into a serious relationship. After that moment, she turned completely cold, said she wasnt 'ready for this' and I've never heard from her again. I've reached out, tried to ask what happened, what changed, nothing, no response. Even just said please I want to move on, I want to understand, - nope - just ignores me. It's cruel, very unusual, and wish I could make sense of it and of what happened. I think about her and the situation all the time - I feel your pain, it is horrible and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I don't understand how someone could do this to someone they care/d about. - it's been 3 months for me since I've seen her, or since she's responded. Even leaving a 2 month NC gap in there, she still didnt respond.

[FTM042014]

I'm in the same situation as you, to an extent, except she's not seeing anyone else. I dated a girl for about 3 months, everything was fantastic, she was always saying she misses me, and texting me daily, seeing me like 3-4 times a week. But then, out of nowhere, she needed space and was confused about getting into a serious relationship. After that moment, she turned completely cold, said she wasnt 'ready for this' and I've never heard from her again. I've reached out, tried to ask what happened, what changed, nothing, no response. Even just said please I want to move on, I want to understand, - nope - just ignores me. It's cruel, very unusual, and wish I could make sense of it and of what happened. I think about her and the situation all the time - I feel your pain, it is horrible and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I don't understand how someone could do this to someone they care/d about. - it's been 3 months for me since I've seen her, or since she's responded. Even leaving a 2 month NC gap in there, she still didnt respond.

 

Dude, my heart goes out to you. It is by far one of the hardest things I've ever been through. It leaves a sudden abrubt hole where there was something that made you feel alive and happy. What I've learned these past months is it has absolutely everything to do with her. These are people who have a hard time with intimacy. They need someone to want them and they love the feeling of that honeymoon phase but they are insecure and have been through alot and that prevents them from being able to show up at the end. It's really sad to be honest. I now feel kind of bad for my ex. She will never let anyone get close to her.

 

People like that truly believe they are opening up and you can tell by the instant connection, the texts, phonecalls, spending time, the things they say. But that is not real intimacy. The high wears off and you realize you didn't take the proper time to get to know someone and cultivate a real relationship. That's when the S**T hits the fan for them.

 

I promise you, you will be OK. She has tons of work to do on herself. But if she's like my ex she knows this and won't do anything about it. Know that it has nothing to do with you and you did make her happy for those 3 months. It wasn't a lie or fake. She genuinely liked you and meant what she said. She's just not emotionally mature enough to give her all. It's unfair to you. It's very misleading at best. Use this to recognize next time that a girl who speeds into it is a huge red flag. That comes from needing something rather than a desire to have a good relationship.

 

Hang in there!

[acoustic]

Thanks for the words, I know exactly what you mean. It's definitely on them, and something inside their own psychy (sp?). It still sucks so bad though because you see the amazing potential you would have had with the person, how truly great it would have ended up had they just knew how to let you in. It's one of those situations where the connection is perfect, but the timing for that person is completely wrong, and no matter how amazing it could have been... unfortunately it doesn't matter. It's a huge loss for both parties involved, but unlike them, you and myself have the lucky displeasure of actually feeling that loss forever.

[FTM042014]

Thanks for the words, I know exactly what you mean. It's definitely on them, and something inside their own psychy (sp?). It still sucks so bad though because you see the amazing potential you would have had with the person, how truly great it would have ended up had they just knew how to let you in. It's one of those situations where the connection is perfect, but the timing for that person is completely wrong, and no matter how amazing it could have been... unfortunately it doesn't matter. It's a huge loss for both parties involved, but unlike them, you and myself have the lucky displeasure of actually feeling that loss forever.

 

Yes, but you and I will heal and use this as a way to improve for the right girl. Our exes have to live with who they are constantly. And they will continue to make the same mistakes until they wise up. I'd say we have the better hand.

 

Be careful not to get bogged down by what it could've or should've been. It wasn't. And that's hard but accepting it is the first step to moving past it. I am now thankful that she dumped me after 2 months instead of a year. Or 2 years. She saved me from so much more devastation.

 

A girl that is worth your time and effort will value you and what you have to bring to the table. Think about it. What kind of person just walks away like that? The right girl would talk to you and slow things down to ensure that it does work because although she may be having conflicting feelings she deems you and the relationship important enough to salvage it. People who have feelings that can be turned on and off like a switch are not to be trusted. You seem like a good guy. Find a girl that will give as much as you do.