mandyxmuffins Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 So, where do I begin? I don't know if I should call him an ex because I'm still not quite sure if we are on a break or breakup because he hasn't answered that or defined it. Anyway, the "ex" and I have been together 8 years. We are both 27, and I am a month and ten days older. Before Christmas of 2015, we ran into issues with our downstairs neighbor. Long story short: downstairs neighbor was engaged to my cousin, he was caught cheating, she left him and he got stuck taking care of her dog. The dog attacked me, my cousin threw a fit because I called animal control, and he made mine and my boyfriends lives a living hell until we could move out because he was "trying to win her back." It took us a few months but we found an apartment in our price range available April of last year. We signed the lease, started moving things in..and then he panicked. We turned down the lease, ended up staying in our old place for a few months (LL was kind enough to let us return) and than miraculously a house that fit our budget fell into our laps. The LL lowered the price to help us out, everything was perfect, we loved it. Then, I messed up. I told him if we couldn't move into the house then I wasn't sure how our relationship would last since I was still frustrated from the first time he backed out. Sure enough, he took that as a key to back out. We signed the lease on the new place, informed the LL again, started moving things in..and then 12 days before our lease is up at our old apartment he breaks up with me on my way to work. Unfortunately, I had to move back home and he moved back home but we reconciled since we had to live together until the lease was up on our old apartment. Everything was great, we worked on communication, worked on being honest, worked on not being harsh or criticizing! Well, more pressures fell on us. My LL at my grandma's house put a restriction on his visitation and would harass him whenever he visited, because my grandmother told him about our break up and LL is a control freak, so it was putting tension on our relationship. My LL took it out on my grandma and told her he was selling the house, so she had to be out by Spring of 2016. We started discussing our options because neither of us are happy being back home, and now was the time to take an opportunity and move out of state which is something we both wanted. We talked about upstate NY near his family or just anywhere. He was fine, seemed fine, excited even. New Years Eve we discussed options, and all I wanted was a yes we are going to move or a no, I should continue living at home. He didn't give me an answer, so three weeks ago I again gave him an ultimatum: Either we are moving, or we aren't, all I needed was a yes or a no answer, no pressure on him, I just needed to know because time goes fast and my grandma is in the search of a new place to live. So, cue the next few days after that. He wouldn't respond to my texts, he was quiet on the phone. I got frustrated and ended up calling him out for ignoring me and he responded that he was busy, but ended up calling me and asking to come over. I knew it. I knew what was coming, so I braced myself for it. He broke down and cried and told me he wanted to break up because he woke up from a deep sleep with anxiety about moving and he needs time on his own to grow up because he has never been on his own, all the usual breakup key words and phrases. He told me he loves me but he is messed up right now and needs time to fix himself, which I could see because he is very immature but has been depressed with his job. He sees I am moving forward in life by trying to get myself together after quite a few years of bad mistakes, and I think it genuinely terrifies him that he is almost 30 and has accomplished nothing besides a steady job with no growth. He also admitted to me that five years ago he kissed another girl we both worked with as volunteers at a Halloween haunted house. I wasn't upset because this girl was promiscuous and it didn't surprise me she would throw herself at him. It was during work, so nothing farther than that happened plus it really scared him and I think that guilt ate at him for a long time. It's been an emotional roller coaster. We can't go more than a week without no contact, due in part because I had a lot of his belongings in storage and because the break up is still fresh but I'm trying. We had "the talk" where we both cried and I tried bargaining, and it got to the point he was physically beating himself up because he wanted to "hug and kiss me" but he couldn't. I asked him if he wanted a relationship, and he said no. I saw him again this past Tuesday when he picked up some of his belongings. He cried when I gave him back his promise ring but he was also overwhelmed with the 8 years of stuff he was collecting. I asked him if he was sure this was a break up and not a break, because he has been so back and forth and it had been a week since we had last seen each other, and he couldn't answer. I helped him bring his things to his car and we stood outside shooting the ****, and he kept telling me how much of a great person I am and he loves me, and he was flirting with me in a way where he was hinting at sex and told me multiple times he wanted to kiss me. I am frustrated and confused. I know his faults, he is my best friend. I want him to be mentally better because I truly believe this is a deep depression, especially because he has admitted all he does is sleep and watch movies to "escape" from reality. He's going to seek a therapist, but then again words don't mean anything unless there is an action behind it. He admitted he was scared I had another man at my house the night he came to pick things up and has reiterated he is not interested in dating other women. I have gone from being apathetic, to completely depressed, to extreme anxiety. I've felt like I'm drowning, I've had nightmares. It's a really big change for me to go from being with someone I love so dearly, to not being able to see or hear from him on a daily basis. I miss him, almost in a way that is similar to the loss of a loved one. I know I'm not emotionally ready to even consider rebound dating, and even at the mention of making an online dating profile he admitted he thought that "was weird." Do you think there is any chance things will recover in time? Or am I wasting my breath? It's very challenging because early into our relationship I had a complete mental breakdown and he was there to help me through it. Now as I see him going through a mental breakdown, he's pushed me away and won't let me return the favor..
Satu Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Snip *Do you think there is any chance things will recover in time? Or am I wasting my breath? It's very challenging because early into our relationship I had a complete mental breakdown and he was there to help me through it. Now as I see him going through a mental breakdown, he's pushed me away and won't let me return the favor.. *It sounds unlikely given what you've said. If you were to move back in together, the relationship would probably pick up were it left off, unless there was some major change on the part of both of you. Wishing and hoping doesn't cut it. Change takes work and commitment. It takes work. I think your best option at the moment is very low contact, while you both get clear about what is practically possible. Practically possible means doable. Take care.
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