ksol9 Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 (edited) I've been with my bf for about one year. We moved in together a few months after meeting. It didn't seem to fast at the time, but we had a very strong connection and still do. I've pretty much taken on the role of a step mother...a lot of responsibility. My bf is 37. I am a 31 year old with no children, never been married. After graduating college, I found myself in an abusive relationship. Weaseled myself out of that one and when I met my current bf, I felt as though it was the biggest blessing. I still feel that way. I am a becoming a better person because of this relationship. It has influenced my life in such a positive way. There has been something that has been on my mind since day one. I worry that I am wasting my time. I worry that I've just become convenient to him. I worry that this relationship will not lead to marriage and children. I want a family of my own and it seems as though he is just trying move on from his failed relationship and raise his two children. I am trying to start a life. I feel that we are both in two different places in life. The children are 10 and 12. Their mother was in the military states away. She is no longer in the military and has since enrolled herself in school. She has been in a lesbian relationship for the past few years. I am not sure if she plans to come back to take the children once she gets herself together, but it seems that the children are with us indefinitely, which is what we are hoping for. my relationship with him is the first serious relationship he has been in since his breakup with their mother. The way they split has also been something that concerns me. He wanted to save their relationship and she didn't. She cheated and ultimately ended up declaring that she is a lesbian. Though they have been apart for about 4 years, I wonder if he still hopes that she is coming back. They don't talk often. Only regarding the children. She has made it very apparent that she doesn't want anything to do with him. It seems as though she has some resentment and anger toward him. I guess I worry a lot about what he feels. Sorry for rambling. I don't know if my concerns and worries are normal. I think I cause a lot of unnessesary stress between my bf and I. At the same time, I don't know if my intuition is telling me something. I guess I am here to get some insight from others who have walked in my shoes. I'm just afraid that I am making a mistake. As more time passes, I am becoming more and more invested and it scares me. Edited January 30, 2016 by ksol9 1
amaysngrace Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Did you two ever talk about the future and what you want for yours? If you want marriage or children of your own (or both) you need to tell him. He's not a mind reader. 7
Author ksol9 Posted January 30, 2016 Author Posted January 30, 2016 Did you two ever talk about the future and what you want for yours? If you want marriage or children of your own (or both) you need to tell him. He's not a mind reader. I have talked about what I want for the future. His response is that he wants us to grow and build a life together. He has never said in detail that building a life together meant children of our own. I don't know if it was the appropriate time for us to be talking about those things, but as we are approaching a year together, I am thinking more and more about my biological clock. I think I create a lot of silly little problems with him because I don't feel secured. I know we can have a lasting relationship. I know he sees me in his future, but I don't know if he truly values me and thinks about starting a family with me. I am very convenient to him. He is a father raising two children on his own. He works full time and his job is very demanding. I take care of the house and the children and I work. I'm happy to share the responsibility with him. I love him and I love the children. We are all very attached to each other and things are very comfortable. I've taken on this family like it is my own. Prior to meeting him, I was single and enjoying life after my terrible relationship. My lifestyle has made a complete 180. No more nightclubs and fancy dinners..I've traded it all for homemade cooking, band concerts, and homework. It's bittersweet. I think it took my this entire year to fully adjust. I have only recently felt like I've settled into my place within this family. I am not perfect and neither is he. We've had our differences, but I do feel he is someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I look at his history and he is very different than me. I've been very careful not to have children outside of marriage and I want to marry before having children. He and his ex had the 2 children and married in 2010. Divorced in less than a year. I don't know what was the reason for them marrying so many years later but I think it speaks for itself. I am very afraid that it will come to a point where I will feel like the relationship isn't going anywhere and I will have to contemplate moving on. I don't really know of the proper way to talk to him about these things. I guess I'm scared.
amaysngrace Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Do you want children of your own? If you do then that's a conversation you definitely need to be having with him to see if you're on the same page. He said he wants to grow and build the relationship but that's kind of vague. What is holding you back from speaking openly to him about what you want? What are you afraid of that's keeping you from letting your needs be known? 3
Satu Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 snip I don't really know of the proper way to talk to him about these things. I guess I'm scared. Tell him what you've told us. You're doing nobody a favour by being silent. Also consider this: Eventually those kids will deeply bond with you. They need a mother who is physically present, and you will become that mother in their eyes. You need to get things really clear with your man before that deep bonding takes place, because at that point, it would be very hard to walk away from those kids. You might not feel able to walk away. Be very open and honest with him about what you really want. Rise above the fear. 4
smackie9 Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Sister, I get you feel if you really lay it out to him how you feel you will lose him...but you know what, there is nothing to be gained staying if your expectations are not being met....it is worth the risk of having to start over. 5
xcupid Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Better to find out now what his plans are for the future and with you than to find out a few years down the road, don't you think? 3
kendahke Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 I have talked about what I want for the future. His response is that he wants us to grow and build a life together. He has never said in detail that building a life together meant children of our own. I don't know if it was the appropriate time for us to be talking about those things, but as we are approaching a year together, I am thinking more and more about my biological clock. I think I create a lot of silly little problems with him because I don't feel secured. I know we can have a lasting relationship. I know he sees me in his future, but I don't know if he truly values me and thinks about starting a family with me. I am very convenient to him. He is a father raising two children on his own. He works full time and his job is very demanding. I take care of the house and the children and I work. I'm happy to share the responsibility with him. I love him and I love the children. We are all very attached to each other and things are very comfortable. I've taken on this family like it is my own. Prior to meeting him, I was single and enjoying life after my terrible relationship. My lifestyle has made a complete 180. No more nightclubs and fancy dinners..I've traded it all for homemade cooking, band concerts, and homework. It's bittersweet. I think it took my this entire year to fully adjust. I have only recently felt like I've settled into my place within this family. I am not perfect and neither is he. We've had our differences, but I do feel he is someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I look at his history and he is very different than me. I've been very careful not to have children outside of marriage and I want to marry before having children. He and his ex had the 2 children and married in 2010. Divorced in less than a year. I don't know what was the reason for them marrying so many years later but I think it speaks for itself. I am very afraid that it will come to a point where I will feel like the relationship isn't going anywhere and I will have to contemplate moving on. I don't really know of the proper way to talk to him about these things. I guess I'm scared. I think the time has come for you to get some detail about what he means by "building a life together". If he's fine with rearing only his children and not creating any others with anyone else, then he needs to make that plain to you and soon. You've been together long enough for him to spell out what he means by what he says. It's unfair to you to leave it to you to fill in the blanks. It's also unfair to you if you're wanting to bear children of your own instead of raising another woman's children. Unlike him, you've got a finite amount of time to make that happen. If he's not of the mind to create more children, then you have a decision to make. I think it was also unfair of him, having children, to bring someone into their lives so quickly and no talk about marriage with you had taken place. Depending upon what kind of guy he is, he may be thinking of marrying or he may just have been looking for someone to help him with his children so he could do what he needed to do to support them. That can very well be the case with him. I also think that getting clear with him about his expectations and timeframes was sorely needed before you moving into their home. The conversation you need to have now should have been had a year ago. What are you prepared to do if he tells you that he doesn't want any more children or doesn't want to get married? 3
Author ksol9 Posted January 31, 2016 Author Posted January 31, 2016 You all have touched on some very important points. I do fear that my bond with the children will become deeper once more time passes. I also do fear that he does not want the same. I remember asking him earlier on in our relationship if he would consider marrying again or having more children and he said of course..I would definitely want more children. I don't think he would tell me honestly what he feels. It's obvious that this is what I want. He knows I am at a point in life where I am ready to have children. We are just at different points in our life. Is it normal for me to have all of these concerns? Being with someone who has children and has been married previously, I question if this is right for me? He says that he wants us to grow and build a life together and it is true, those are very vague answers. This is just assumption, but I feel he would just continue with things as they are if I wasn't to say anything. It is not important to him as it is to me to have children. Should I be worrying about these things? Should I just allow our relationship to take its natural course and if it results in children better yet? 1
kendahke Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 It's quite normal to have these concerns. But you owe it to yourself to know where your next step is going to be placed and if it'll be placed on solid ground or crumbling rock. You are going to have to overcome your fear of hearing what you don't want to hear in order to know in exactly what direction you're headed. He probably wouldn't rock the boat--this arrangement is working for him, so why upset that? But you never know--he may be fine with the idea of marrying you sooner than later. You have to determine if you are ok with the possibility of having children out of wedlock and foregoing the marriage before children scenario that you've invested in for yourself. Is this relationship worth you giving up on that? 3
smackie9 Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 I don't think you are going to find anyone to agree you should "wait and see" no matter how many times you ask. You need to step up and have a serious talk, and make sure he does agree firmly on your expectations of getting married, when, having children, when and how many. This is a conversation you must have to make sure you both are on the same page....you CANNOT be a weakling about it. 3
Author ksol9 Posted January 31, 2016 Author Posted January 31, 2016 You are correct. I need to grow up. This is my life and it is my future. I need to ask these very important questions. I am prepared to leave this behind, as hard as it may be, but I am not willing to give up having children of my own and getting married to raise someone else's children. I can not continue to dedicate myself, living for him and his children. The longer I prolong talking about this, the longer I will be in confusion about my future. Deep down inside, I think he is open to having more children, if it just happens. I don't think he will plan for that. At least he won't take the initiative plan it. He will leave things as they are as long as I allow it. It is beneficial to him. I'm uncomfortable talking about it with him. I'm not sure as to the reason why I'm uncomfortable, but I do think there are a number of reasons as mentioned in previous responses. As of the other posters said, this is unfair to me to fill in all the blanks, so I understand I need to bring forth the conversation in order for me to make the proper decision about the relationship. I have put it off month after month because I felt it was too soon to speak about the future. I was too occupied with all the other things I had to adapt to, but it has been a year. I think it's time I think about the future. I don't have time to waste. I will be 32 in a couple of months. I need to have some sort of plan in place. That is what I've worked for my entire adult life...to do things in order. I also want to be with someone that WANTS to start a family with me. I want to be with someone who puts in the same effort into our future. I didn't think I would run into this problem, but I am to blame. I rushed into the relationship. He is now comfortable and content. Why would he change things if he has all that needs?
kendahke Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I'm uncomfortable talking about it with him. I'm not sure as to the reason why I'm uncomfortable Because some move will have to be made by you if he doesn't want/say what you want/want to hear. Either staying and being disappointed (and that turning to resentment then bitterness) or you leaving the relationship and him possibly being disappointed that you're upsetting his set up. But the crusher is: he never should have moved someone into his children's lives as quickly as he did and allow them to bond to her. It will be like another mother abandoning them and it will look like it's all your fault for leaving when it's not. Are you in the position to move out and live on your own? That may be your #1 goal right now, more so than pressing him for a decision. Get the funds together so that you can move out on your own and no longer be dependent upon him for a place to lay your head. I think knowing that will take a lot of pressure off of you. Once you have amassed the money, then talk to him about his marriage plans and thoughts on children with you after you marry.
Httm Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I don't understand why you'd wait a year to ask.. and I certainly don't understand why you'd move in with someone with kids before asking and talking frankly about these serious questions.. Sounds like he just wanted help and you were eager to oblige.
zanwalk Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 I also think in line with what others have said, that you need to firmly nail him down on this question of children. Explain that while you love his children, you really, really want some of your own. Don't accept vague promises on this, you have to have a timetable. If he's serious about keeping you, he should welcome you planning for the future. You can say, as it's coming up to a year together now, we ought to discuss our future plans for a family, I need to know because I have a deep longing to have children of my own. If he is evasive or vague about any of this, I'm afraid that is a warning to you. You need not demand an immediate answer, he may well need a few days to think it over, particularly if he has not thought along those lines before. Don't leave it too late! And try and break it to him gently in a non confrontational way. Best wishes. 1
Toodaloo Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 You really need to discuss this with him. You need to be honest and open about these things. Then you need to give him a few days to mull it over and think about it and discuss it again. He may have a different time scale to these things. He may not realise that you do not feel secure in the relationship. What can he do (other than marriage and kids) that would help you feel more secure? Perhaps that is a place to start so you do not have to feel pushed into anything. What I will say is listen very carefully to how he responds. For him it will be the heart break of just you. For you its the heart break of him and leaving those children behind. Trust me that sucks. 1
amaysngrace Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 You aren't being selfish to question "what's in it for me?" You only have one life. If you're afraid to be assertive and to let your needs be known with this man then perhaps he's not the man for you. True intimacy is being able to share all of yourself with another...thoughts and feelings included. You should let him know what you expect for your future clearly and calmly. If he doesn't want the same things as you then be prepared to walk. Your needs matter every bit as much as his do. I'm not sure if you believe that though.
Miss Peach Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Another vote for the you need to have a serious talk. I can tell you from my perspective as a single parent that I wouldn't be open to more kids. Especially with mine getting older. A lot of single parents aren't open to getting re-married. Many think living together is enough. Right now this guy is saying future but you have no idea what that future looks like. It might just be "Let's live together and let the future take care of itself". You need to make sure you are both on the same page as to what a future might look like. I would also address the feeling of insecurity. Is there anything that would help? Or is it the lack of direction that's causing it?
Chi townD Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Girl, you really need to work out your feelings. I mean, you got a guy that steps up to the plate and takes care of his kids. Like it or not, those two kids are the most important people in his life. Now, not to take anything away from you, I'm sure you're very important part of his life as well. But, he's got two kids are that depending on him. But, take this to heart. A lot of single parents WILL NOT introduce their kids to another man or woman unless that they are sure that the relationship is going somewhere. So, you have to look at his actions as well as what he's telling you. He's introduced you to his kids. He wants you to be a part of his life and his children because he trusts you. He trusts you with his kids. He wants to include you as part of his family. So, think about that for a minute. Unless, a ready made family isn't what you signed on for. If this is the case, then you need to cut ties with him as soon as possible to minimize the hurt those kids may feel with you leaving.
Miss Peach Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 Girl, you really need to work out your feelings. I mean, you got a guy that steps up to the plate and takes care of his kids. Like it or not, those two kids are the most important people in his life. Now, not to take anything away from you, I'm sure you're very important part of his life as well. But, he's got two kids are that depending on him. But, take this to heart. A lot of single parents WILL NOT introduce their kids to another man or woman unless that they are sure that the relationship is going somewhere. So, you have to look at his actions as well as what he's telling you. He's introduced you to his kids. He wants you to be a part of his life and his children because he trusts you. He trusts you with his kids. He wants to include you as part of his family. So, think about that for a minute. Unless, a ready made family isn't what you signed on for. If this is the case, then you need to cut ties with him as soon as possible to minimize the hurt those kids may feel with you leaving. I agree with this. The kids will always come first. If this is too much it won't work. Also most single parents only introduce kids to significant relationships. Still it doesn't mean that the future (i.e., marriage and more kids) is what he has on his radar. It makes sense IMO to clarify that's what he wants.
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