On Again, Off Again.

[Scottyd]

So, my ex-girlfriend and I broke up about 2 - 1/2 years ago. After not speaking for 3 months, we started seeing each other again. We did not get back together; we just hung out 3 or 4 times a month. Our usual routine is dinner and drinks, then sex back at her place.

 

At various times, she has told me that she does not want to see me anymore and broken off the arrangement. Usually, her reason is that I am being too needy or expecting too much from her. When this happens, I pull away for a couple of weeks to a month and, inevitably, she ends up calling and asking see me. Rinse and repeat.

 

So, three weeks ago she called me up and said that it would be nice to have a "date night" in a nearby big city. She offered to pay for the hotel room if I would pay for dinner. Well, why not? We had a nice time together and everything seemed fine - in fact, it seemed more than fine. At the end of the night, we were snuggled up next to each other with her head resting on my chest. She kissed my cheek and said, "I love you, [nick name for me]."

 

For the next two weeks, every time that I tried to make plans with her she would tell me that she was "busy." Now, I was not blowing up her phone. I waited 3 days from our last "hang out" to text her, and texted her periodically every 2-3 days after that. In the past, she would say that she was busy but offer an alternative day and time. This time, I just got "busy" with no explanation.

 

After two weeks of this, I lost my temper and called her out. I told her that nobody is THAT busy. I asked her if she was seeing someone else and told her that as much as that would hurt my feelings, I would still want to know the truth. She denied that, and then turned the conversation around on me - going back to the "needy" and "clingy" accusations. She ended the conversation by telling me that she needed "some serious space."

 

Fast forward to last night (Friday). I went on a dinner date with another woman, an acquaintance I have known for a couple of months. The ex saw us together, and so did some of our mutual friends (this is a small town). I got a text at 2:00 in the morning along the lines of, "I was going to contact you on Sunday because I thought you needed some time to calm down, but seeing you parade some other woman around town solidifies my feeling that it is not a good idea for us to see each other. I hope that you are happy with her."

 

I text back that the woman is just a friend and we have never been intimate. I told the ex that I was lonely and just wanted a dinner date. The ex texted back, "Oh, well I don't care if you have dinner with someone. Can I call you tomorrow?"

 

I went to sleep. In the morning I texted, "We need to talk." She called me about half an hour later. I again explained what happened last night and told her that I was not dating this woman; we were just hanging out as friends -- which was true. The ex went into this long ramble about how she cannot give me the kind of relationship that I want, and said that I make it difficult for her to hang out with me because I am too need and ask for too much. She said that "you can't even go 48 hours without texting me. That's too much."

 

So, do you guys see what I am dealing with here? I pursue, she pulls away. I pull away, she is willing to pay $200 for a hotel room to spend the night with me. I start feeling close to her so I pursue again and she ignores me for two weeks. Then she sees me out with someone else and gets jealous and wants to talk but says that she doesn't care anymore. Why take the time and energy to tell me that you don't care unless you really do?

 

Is there anyway to gain the upper hand in this on again, off again relationship? Seems like wants me, but only on her terms. Or would I be better just walking away and finding someone who is truly interested in me? Problem is every time I walk away she comes back like a lost kitten and I'm too weak to say no to her. Argh....

[Zahara]

She doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you. You're a source of comfort and attention for her when SHE needs you and an ego boost. Yes, only on her terms. She's not coming back because she's interested in a relationship but only to get the attention that she needs. And when you provide her with more than what she needs, she draws the line by calling you needy to lower/kill your expectations.

 

Walk away. If you're too weak to say no to her, then accept that you'll remain on the rollercoaster.

[basil67]

Why do you tolerate her shenanigans? Surely it would be wiser to end all contact with her and move on.

 

Find your self respect and just block all contact with her.

[Been]

She hasn't met anyone she deems worthy or better then you yet.

So in the mean time she strings you along-more then likely she doesn't like being alone.Now add to the fact that if she allows too much time to pass you'll more then likely move on so in that regard she keeps contact with you-but under her RULES. If you contact her she's says your being needy or clingy.

I dated a woman like this. One week she was all about me the next week she was distant. Almost like a game to her. And if she got too distant and I was about to break contact she would quickly switch and all of the sudden start showering me with attention. Know why I tell you this?

Because when she finally found a man she felt was like worthy of dating she dropped me like a bad habit. The whole time we were "seeing" eachother she was basically shopping for other men. By keeping me around she was insuring that she could have fun and not be alone all the time. YOURS will do the same.

[Satu]

Re On Again, Off Again:

 

A TV that only works some of the time, is a broken TV.

 

The same principle applies to relationships.