abby_tx Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 I am almost to month three with a guy. The first few dates were absolutely incredible. Every date felt momentous. I'd leave his place with enormous butterflies and a few minutes later see he'd texted me about how much he likes me. Now...it's normal. It's a relationship. Some nights aren't momentous. Some nights we don't have sex. Some nights are more boring than others. I know this is normal, but I am starting to feel really insecure. You get a lot of confirmation in the beginning stages, but once that wears off you don't have anything to go by other than them not dumping you. It's hard to know he still wants me now that we've got comfort in the relationship. We had a small disagreement yesterday and my instinct was to storm out of his place while he was sleeping so he'd wake up alone. It made no sense. I tried not to be irrational and stayed there and he woke up and cuddled me, but we didn't have sex. I think, "Well maybe if I put EXTRA into how I look today he will like me more." I don't know. I feel the confident self I was in the beginning is disappearing and that alone will turn him off. 1
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 We need more details on what has changed in your relationship that you feel so insecure. 1
Author abby_tx Posted January 30, 2016 Author Posted January 30, 2016 We need more details on what has changed in your relationship that you feel so insecure. Well, for instance.... Last night we went on a date. Before he might put his hand on my thigh while driving or sneak a kiss at a stoplight. He'd look at me and I can see in his eyes he was in awe of me. This doesn't happen now. Or I'd stay at his place on a Friday and he'd wake me up with a kiss and we'd have sex. Then he'd make a big elaborate breakfast and we'd cuddle on the couch talking about life. Now it's like tv with some commentary. We cuddle still. We've been having dates, but they don't seem to be the kind of dates that make a relationship grow. Maybe we need new experiences? All we do is eat out or watch tv or get drinks. In our defense, it's been too cold to want to do much. Edit: I forgot to add that he hasn't told me he liked me in any shape or form in about two weeks. The most complimentary thing he said was that I looked cute. 1
Author abby_tx Posted January 30, 2016 Author Posted January 30, 2016 It sucks because a couple weeks ago we went out for drinks and he was asking topics about marriage like what kind of wedding or ring I'd want almost like he thought of me in this way and now I feel we took a step back. Not saying he WOULD marry me this soon, but at least the possibility was on his mind. 1
Author abby_tx Posted January 30, 2016 Author Posted January 30, 2016 Start the next honeymoon with him... how? how do you keep that alive? 1
katiegrl Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Well, for instance.... Last night we went on a date. Before he might put his hand on my thigh while driving or sneak a kiss at a stoplight. He'd look at me and I can see in his eyes he was in awe of me. This doesn't happen now. Or I'd stay at his place on a Friday and he'd wake me up with a kiss and we'd have sex. Then he'd make a big elaborate breakfast and we'd cuddle on the couch talking about life. Now it's like tv with some commentary. We cuddle still. We've been having dates, but they don't seem to be the kind of dates that make a relationship grow. Maybe we need new experiences? All we do is eat out or watch tv or get drinks. In our defense, it's been too cold to want to do much. Edit: I forgot to add that he hasn't told me he liked me in any shape or form in about two weeks. The most complimentary thing he said was that I looked cute. abby, with respect, what are *you* doing to maintain excitement and passion in your RL? Why is this all on him? It takes two to make, and two to break. HE may be thinking the same exact thing you are! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 OP, do you initiate cuddles and kisses too? Do you give him compliments?Do you ever make a nice breakfast for him? It's important to reciprocate too. One of your comments struck me - why was it your instinct to storm out of his house after a small disagreement and leave him to wake up alone? You're wanting to lash out for some reason; I sense underlying hurt here. You need to think about where that level of resentment is coming from. 1
Popsicle Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 how? how do you keep that alive? Maybe nothing is wrong, darling. 1
Author abby_tx Posted January 30, 2016 Author Posted January 30, 2016 abby, with respect, what are *you* doing to maintain excitement and passion in your RL? Why is this all on him? It takes two to make, and two to break. HE may be thinking the same exact thing you are! Katie, I'm not really doing anything. I expect everything to come from him because if I look needy or too gaga crazy over him, he'll be turned off. I don't know how to get over that thinking so I can start to initiate stuff more? I mean, I have brought homemade food that I know he'd like, but I guess that's the extent of my romance. 1
Author abby_tx Posted January 30, 2016 Author Posted January 30, 2016 OP, do you initiate cuddles and kisses too? Do you give him compliments?Do you ever make a nice breakfast for him? It's important to reciprocate too. One of your comments struck me - why was it your instinct to storm out of his house after a small disagreement and leave him to wake up alone? You're wanting to lash out for some reason; I sense underlying hurt here. You need to think about where that level of resentment is coming from. I had one boyfriend leave me after 7 years. It might stem from that. I don't know. I felt like crying then and I feel like crying now just reading your comment. Like, in my head I know nothing is wrong but I have so much unexplained sadness. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Katie, I'm not really doing anything. I expect everything to come from him because if I look needy or too gaga crazy over him, he'll be turned off. I don't know how to get over that thinking so I can start to initiate stuff more? I mean, I have brought homemade food that I know he'd like, but I guess that's the extent of my romance. Your logic is faulty. It's not all or nothing; if you never initiate or do anything to show your love for him, you're going to appear uninterested. And most men will not continue to shower attention on a woman who isn't returning it in some way. It's not fair to expect him to do all the leg-work. Compliment him. Hug or kiss him spontaneously. Offer to make breakfast for him. Suggest a restaurant you'd like to try with him or a movie you two could catch. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 I had one boyfriend leave me after 7 years. It might stem from that. I don't know. I felt like crying then and I feel like crying now just reading your comment. Like, in my head I know nothing is wrong but I have so much unexplained sadness. I understand feeling hurt, because most of us have been in your shoes. Some of us more than once. When did your last relationship end? Are you sure you're ready for a new one? If you're projecting your hurt from your ex onto your new boyfriend, you're wading into dangerous territory. 2
xxoo Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 how? how do you keep that alive? Tease. Send flirty texts. Makes a double entedre at dinner. Wear something meant to elicit a response from him. I've been married over 20 years, and I know that pulling out a certain pencil skirt will elicit a response every time. As will walking around the house with a tank top and no bra Grab his hand and place it on your thigh when driving. Don't wait for him to do it. Wiggle your butt in front of him, then look over your shoulder with a cheeky grin. 1
kgcolonel Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Abby, stop looking at it as looking all goggy eyed and look at it as taking control....be seductive, create a mood that is meaningful to you. He has no way of knowing what exactly rocks your world unless you show him. Trust me as a guy, we do like to be seduced (not just sexually) and it is a relief to not always have to be the initiator in all things. He'll appreciate your being the instigator occasionally. Show him how much woman you really are! 1
katiegrl Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 It seems like you guys have, or are falling, into a rut. How often do you see him? Maybe it's too much, and you should exercise a bit more independence? Become an interesting and exciting person yourself, and your RL will follow suit. Take up yoga, or another hobby, something you are excited about share your experiences with him. Start doing more things on your own....give him a chance to miss you. Being enthusiastic yourself breeds enthusiasm in your partner. There is so much more, but this for starters. 1
SwordofFlame Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 I've definitely been guilty of taking a great girl for granted and she broke up with me at about the 2.5 month mark. Maybe he feels that you're taking him for granted? 1
Popsicle Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 If he started talking about marriage, I don't think he's having a problem. Maybe it's Abby who is worried there is a problem? First you have to determine who is unhappy with the situation, her or him, or neither. 1
xxoo Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Katie, I'm not really doing anything. I expect everything to come from him because if I look needy or too gaga crazy over him, he'll be turned off. I don't know how to get over that thinking so I can start to initiate stuff more? I mean, I have brought homemade food that I know he'd like, but I guess that's the extent of my romance. Most boyfriends are highly turned on by their girlfriend initiating, being flirty and playful. It's more likely that your reservations in this area are turning him off and/or boring him. 3
katiegrl Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Most boyfriends are highly turned on by their girlfriend initiating, being flirty and playful. Absolutely. He needs to feel you are enthusiastic about him! And combine that with being a genuinly happy person, with a life of your own, your own interests and hobbies... and watch that magic reappear! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Absolutely. He needs to feel you are enthusiastic about him! And combine that with being a genuinly happy person, with a life of your own, your own interests and hobbies... and watch that magic reappear! I agree. A little enthusiasm for the relationship and a generally happy disposition go a long way! 2
Author abby_tx Posted January 30, 2016 Author Posted January 30, 2016 It's tough cause I am naturally a pretty independent person, have a dry sense of humor, and am not very girly (not saying I look like a man, but you get what I mean) He was attracted to these qualities, but now I'm aware I need to maybe put a little more effort into things that don't come naturally. My parents had a very happy marriage (still together), but they were not affectionate. Never saw them kiss or cuddle or say cutesy things to one another. They show their love through acts of service and are each other's best friend. And my dad is really jokey with my mom. I kinda wonder if this is why that stuff doesn't come naturally. 1
Author abby_tx Posted January 30, 2016 Author Posted January 30, 2016 Well, my plan tonight is to initiate sex for the first time. 4
Popsicle Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 It's tough cause I am naturally a pretty independent person, have a dry sense of humor, and am not very girly (not saying I look like a man, but you get what I mean) He was attracted to these qualities, but now I'm aware I need to maybe put a little more effort into things that don't come naturally. My parents had a very happy marriage (still together), but they were not affectionate. Never saw them kiss or cuddle or say cutesy things to one another. They show their love through acts of service and are each other's best friend. And my dad is really jokey with my mom. I kinda wonder if this is why that stuff doesn't come naturally. It's always good to be affectionate, so if you want to improve that side if you, then go for it. It can only help, not hurt. 1
Popsicle Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Well I guess non affectionate people wouldn't like it? 1
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