Ricobano Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Hi guys A year ago after coming out of a bad relationship i posted myself on the pof website with thoughts on getting out there again and if anything happened then it happened if you know what i mean. Anyways after a few dates i met a girl 5 years younger than me. She wasnt my usual type but we got on really well. She told me that she hadnt had a serious relationship for 10 years which i saw as a positive. No baggage and all that. Things progressed quite fast but in a natural way and we talked about marriage and kids at some point. I really want kids. We also looked at houses to buy which we both got excited about. Eventually we visitex both sets of parents who dont live locally and all was good. At xmas she gave me a card saying thanks for the best year of here life. Now 1 month later she says that she doesnt feel the same anymore and wants to split up. When i asked her how long she has said she had been feeling like this since an argument we had at the start of december. This was our one real argument in all our time together. Im so devastated. I really dont know how to handle this. Im 38 and in love with her. I really want a family with her too. She is coming round today to pick up the last of her things and for us to talk as i dont understand why. Do you thibk her lack of relationships means she doesnt realise or understand that all couples argue. She also told me she had got bored of the relationship which upsets me because im not a boring person and also because she never indicated this. Im upset that she couldnt tell me so we could address the issue. Last night she went out drinking with her friends and it killed me to think she may go home with someone. I guess i just need to vent a bit but any suggestions how i can handle this would be appreciated. How can i handle it when she comes round. I want to understand but i also want to see if the relationship can be saved. To me she has given up to easily. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Who's the other guy....? I have a sneaky feeling there may be a third party involved..... 5
Author Ricobano Posted January 30, 2016 Author Posted January 30, 2016 Well i asked her about that but she is adamant she hasnt. To be honest until monday we would text everynight so im not sure how she would get the time to. Also we have just come back from a skiing holiday. 1
Learningtowalkagain Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 When she comes around today to talk/grab her ****, please, for the love of god, do not beg and plead her to stay with you. Talk, listen to her, WATCH her body language. Do not ask if there is someone else, that's needy behavior. Even if there is do you want to know? It'll just hurt that much worse. The more you act like you care she's breaking up with you the worse it will be. Try to show her you still care but that you're fine with the breakup...even if you aren't. Don't be mean, don't say I don't give a ****, just say this caught me off guard but if this is what you want I can't make you feel different. Then go strict NC. All that is easier said then done but when you look back 6 months from now you'll be thankful you acted that way. 2
Author Ricobano Posted January 30, 2016 Author Posted January 30, 2016 Should i say that i dont want to split up and that i dont think she has given it a chance since she decided there was problems. Should i say that im upset thar she didnt talk to me earlier so we could discuss solutions 1
Nickr3023 Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 I'd sadly have to agree with Tara. That famous line of "I don't feel the same, or I fell out of love" is usually a pretty tell-tale sign that there's someone else and it wouldn't be surprising if you found out in a week or 2 that she's with someone else. This is at least my experience in 2 different relationships. Sorry my friend, but if she's still holding on to a fight that happened almost 2 months ago, there's a good chance that even if you stay together this is just going to be more and more challenging for you and you're going to end up on an emotional rollercoaster that will eventually crash. I hope that's not the case for you at all, but most of us have been down this road far too many times. 3
Author Ricobano Posted January 30, 2016 Author Posted January 30, 2016 It has been playing on my mind alot but i just dont see how she could of had the time. We spent every weeekend together and then whatsapp each other when we are not together. When i bought it up the she said no when would i have the time even if i wanted too. When i spoke to my sister she said that she may have commitment issues as she has had many dates and short term relationships but nothing long term. She has also twice moved abroad for work only to return within a month or 2. She also starts alot of things and then gives up at the slightest problem. Bit like our relationship it must be said 1
Nickr3023 Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 It has been playing on my mind alot but i just dont see how she could of had the time. We spent every weeekend together and then whatsapp each other when we are not together. When i bought it up the she said no when would i have the time even if i wanted too. When i spoke to my sister she said that she may have commitment issues as she has had many dates and short term relationships but nothing long term. She has also twice moved abroad for work only to return within a month or 2. She also starts alot of things and then gives up at the slightest problem. Bit like our relationship it must be said I lived with one of my ex's for 7 years....she still found a way to cheat on me with multiple guys over the course of 2 years......so yeah, there's always a way. I'm sorry if I'm putting those thoughts in your head, as I know it's difficult to think like that. All I'm saying is, all these things you're saying means you're in line for a very long roller coaster of a ride and it's going to be emotionally exhausting. 1
Author Ricobano Posted January 30, 2016 Author Posted January 30, 2016 To be honest im not sure i want to know but part of me does. It would devastate me but at least i would know. In fairness our sex life had tailed off 1
LostOnes05 Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Dude listen to me, Tara, and Nickr. Nine times out of 10 there is someone else orbiting. You'd be surprised at how good some people are at hiding things. I understand that you are hurting but you've got to center yourself. When she comes to get her things, just hand them to her at the door and wish her well. There is no need for more conversation. She doesn't want to be with you and that's all you need to know. I personally hate when some women say stuff like I've been unhappy for a while or I'm still upset about something from way back. Use your mouth and communicate your feelings instead of pulling that crap. That's a sign of a poor communicator...something you don't need. Oh, and No Contact is key. That means no talking to her sisters, checking her Facebook, instagram, old messages etc. These are mistakes I've made in the past and you don't have to make them. Delete/block her number and you'll be on your way to healing. Best of luck bro...if we're on here, we've been there! 3
mightycpa Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Tell her something like Well, I guess this is goodbye. I just want to say, I'm going to miss you. You know what I'm going to miss the most about you? The sex. Definitely the sex. You're going to be hard to replace, I might have to go through a couple of girls before I find another one like you. But don't worry about me. I'll find her. Good luck! 1
BC1980 Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 I have to agree with the others. When someone says they don't feel the same, there might be someone else on the fringe that they developed feelings for. On the other hand, maybe she just lost feelings. Either way, when someone loses feelings, it's over. You can't change feelings. You can change a lot of other things if the other party is willing, but you can't change feelings. Feelings can leave as quickly as they came. 1
Satu Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 (edited) Snip Hi guys *she had been feeling like this since an argument we had at the start of december. This was our one real argument in all our time together. Do you think her lack of relationships means she doesnt realise or understand that **all couples argue. A word of very well intentioned advice: *Treat harsh speech as if it is the most deadly of all poisons. Do not speak harshly to anyone. Ever. It is poisonous to the soul and the heart, and those words can never be unsaid. **It is not true to say that all couples argue. Couples can and do disagree, but there are better, kinder, and more gentle ways of dealing with disagreement. Learn to be kind and loving even when you are angry. This will serve you well in life. And if she wants to go, just let her go. No drama. No pointless attempts at persuasion. Take care. Edited January 30, 2016 by Satu 3
Learningtowalkagain Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 It has been playing on my mind alot but i just dont see how she could of had the time. We spent every weeekend together and then whatsapp each other when we are not together. When i bought it up the she said no when would i have the time even if i wanted too. When i spoke to my sister she said that she may have commitment issues as she has had many dates and short term relationships but nothing long term. She has also twice moved abroad for work only to return within a month or 2. She also starts alot of things and then gives up at the slightest problem. Bit like our relationship it must be said I lived with my daughters mom for 3 years, we had a child together, lived together, and she still found time to cheat. Not saying she is but don't rule it out. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck.... Maybe she does have commitment issues, or maybe that's your sisters way of easing the blow of the break up. Women always say stuff "Maybe the timing isn't right for her"..."maybe she likes you too much"..."maybe she's just not ready"...it's all nonsense. The fight from 2 months ago is her excuse. None of us knows her, but we've all been around the block long enough to see the signs. 1
Been Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 If you have sex regularly and then all the sudden not too much-thier is someone else. You be surprised if you think she didn't have "time" to see someone else. Answers?your never going to get the truth. And if you do it will be tailored to make her look not that bad or like she had a reason. She's isn't going to come out and say "hey you didn't do anything wrong but I just started having sex with someone."That would be basically calling herself trash. Only way MAYBE you would have known the truth was to access her cellphone-you would be surprise to see what people text eachother. And you know what?Knowing the truth doesn't make it easier like you think. 1
Itspointless Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 I personally hate when some women say stuff like I've been unhappy for a while or I'm still upset about something from way back. Use your mouth and communicate your feelings instead of pulling that crap. This ^^^ women as well as men should communicate. When i spoke to my sister she said that she may have commitment issues as she has had many dates and short term relationships but nothing long term. She has also twice moved abroad for work only to return within a month or 2. She also starts alot of things and then gives up at the slightest problem. Could be, although it could be many things given these facts or nothing even worth thinking about. If she isn't lying, you should be worried though about the fact that she runs away after only one quarrel. What future would that give to you when your women runs away every time you have a disagreement or words? 1
basil67 Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Snip A word of very well intentioned advice: *Treat harsh speech as if it is the most deadly of all poisons. Do not speak harshly to anyone. Ever. It is poisonous to the soul and the heart, and those words can never be unsaid. **It is not true to say that all couples argue. Couples can and do disagree, but there are better, kinder, and more gentle ways of dealing with disagreement. Learn to be kind and loving even when you are angry. This will serve you well in life. And if she wants to go, just let her go. No drama. No pointless attempts at persuasion. Take care. Agreed. It didn't occur to me that there may be someone else - my thoughts went to wondering what this argument was over and how it was handled. If you said anything which hit her below the belt, it would easily explain why she's lost feelings towards you. Likewise, if you called her any names. Or if the argument happened because the two of you have different life philosophies/morals/ethics. I also agree that not all couples fight. Yes, all couples disagree from time to time - but disagreements can be had without fighting. Tell us more about this fight. 1
The Poster Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Who cares if there's someone else or not? It's meaningless in the big picture. She chose to end the relationship, the reason doesn't matter. I know it common for people to feel extra gutted when someone else is in the picture, but at the end of the day, it doesn't change the result. And if she can easily replace you, you don't want to be with her anyway. You deserve better. Point is, none of her reasons for ending the relationship matter. No matter what they are. Often times people will downplay the real reasons so they don't hurt you even more. Don't get caught up on the why. A girl I had fallen in love with (secretly) walked away two weeks later. I was absolutely gutted but I never begged, or asked any questions. She made her decision and I respected it, and I still don't even know what really happened. We haven't spoken a word since the night we broke up over a year ago now. But...it doesn't matter. She made the call and all we can do is accept it and begin healing. There's some good advice in this thread. Don't beg or plead or ask questions. They'll only lead to more questions you won't get to ask. You have to find closure and peace within yourself. Be polite and let her go. Then begin healing and don't contact her or stalk her on social media. It'll be HARD, but, you can do it. Stay strong and good luck. 2
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Agreed. It didn't occur to me that there may be someone else - my thoughts went to wondering what this argument was over and how it was handled. If you said anything which hit her below the belt, it would easily explain why she's lost feelings towards you. Likewise, if you called her any names. Or if the argument happened because the two of you have different life philosophies/morals/ethics. I also agree that not all couples fight. Yes, all couples disagree from time to time - but disagreements can be had without fighting. Tell us more about this fight. Yes. There have been occasions when a member has outlined an apparent issue with their SO, or ex, and in fact, after a while, there has been more to the situation than first met the eye. Could it be possible that the fight was more serious than at first seems apparent? 1
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