Is it me, or is it normal not to want to meet up again after an online dating meetup?

[SwordofFlame]

It's impossible to determine chemistry just by looking at someone's photos, reading their profile, and messaging online. I also go on a fair number of first dates were there's not any chemistry at all. It's just one of the problems with online dating.

[Larryville]

I do find that the dates where I have higher expectations to begin with do usually go somewhat better, however often in the these cases the date ends up feeling even more of a disappointment when the initial high expectations turn out to be false.

Do others that have done online dating find that they generally too do not want to meet up again after the first meet up? Or is it case that I am rubbish at working out whom I should be messaging in the first place?

This is where I have this mental quagmire about online dating…

Been a semi active participant of OLD for 6 years since my last divorce. I can honestly say that I have never met up with someone via a site that upon meeting where I was “disappointed’ with their looks, personality, expectations. I will however note, I went thru a stage where I was frustrated with OLD and just went out with frankly whoever… but the women in which I invested the time before first date, in terms of thoroughly reading profiles, messaging or emailing, phone conversations and meeting time frame after initial site conversation (her responding to my initial inquiry) There were women with I knew I wanted to actively pursue. I feel I have good initial instincts, and I thoroughly vet so I don’t waste my time and more importantly money, those coffee dates add up... yes I know not recommended but I always try to pay, just me.

 

 

 

Having said all of that, you find out other things and other issues why it did not work out and that was mostly “time.” Nicer, attractive, smart, successful women… the issue will almost always be time, why things did not work out.

Why I do get frustrated but at the same time I try to remain positive and force myself to hang in there.

[Redhead14]

Yesterday I met up with someone from an online dating site and despite having some reasonably good expectations before the date, pretty soon after the date began it became pretty clear that I was not attracted to her and that we did not really have that much in common. Therefore I fairly quickly concluded that I would not be seeing her again and date ended after 50 minutes.

 

If a date like that was a one off I would have not been that concerned, however I have been doing online dating on and off for a few years now and I would say that at least two thirds of the time I have little or no desire to meet up with them again. Usually the dates do not go that badly, instead it is more a feeling of "Meh". On the dates I generally find that I am not attracted to them and the conversation is a bit strained. I do message girls that I think are attractive and sound like that we have a lot in common, however when we meet up this obviously is not the case.

 

I do find that the dates where I have higher expectations to begin with do usually go somewhat better, however often in the these cases the date ends up feeling even more of a disappointment when the initial high expectations turn out to be false.

 

Do others that have done online dating find that they generally too do not want to meet up again after the first meet up? Or is it case that I am rubbish at working out whom I should be messaging in the first place?

 

I agree with the posters who are saying that sometimes it's about the vision you've created about them in your head that is maybe somewhat blown out of proportion, hyped. When you meet them for the first time in person, go in with a clean slate. Put that "vision" aside and tune into the here and now. Give some of them more of a chance. If the date went pretty well and had some high points, ask her out again. One more date won't hurt anything. If you're still feeling "meh", move on.

[AMJ]

I can completely relate! I think it's healthy to take breaks from online dating every now and then, because it's exhausting to feel like you're going on a job interview all the time. I also think dates are more successful when more effort is put into it beforehand. More effort meaning, take the time to get to know each other a little bit before meeting in person. I also think dates are more successful when you're either in a very casual environment or doing some type of fun activity. Online dating is sometimes such a chore for all of us, but lately it feels like men are putting less and less effort into the date itself. Which kind of sets yourself up for failure.

 

But there's only so much chemistry that can happen at a Starbucks, for example. It's more convenient to meet at Starbucks, have a quick coffee, see if there's chemistry, and move on. But if the date itself isn't interesting, it's going to be difficult for the people on the date to remain interested. Idk. Of course there are exceptions. I have friends who have met their husbands and wives online.

 

I completely understand why people feel less inclined to put lots of effort into your first date with someone you met online. You think, well there's a pretty huge chance that this date will be horrible, so why waste my time/money. But as a woman, I'll respond much more strongly to a guy who puts in effort versus one who does not. And that could impact how the date turns out overall.

 

You seem burned out, so go for quality over quantity. Even if you only go on one or two dates this month, make them special. See if that makes a difference.

[Reitteg813]

The more I try OLD the more I believe just about everyone on there is damaged. Burned from past relationships, socially awkward, con-artists, scammers... I have met some real nice women but none that made me excited I wanted to see them again.

 

Only in IRL have I had that excited feeling and experiences with women. It just gets harder as you get older as opportunities begin to dry up meeting someone IRL.

 

I agree. I've always viewed OLD as desperate and pathetic. Like you could be out anywhere, going out and meeting new people, going to social events, etc. and striking up conversations and networking and making connections, yet people are sitting with their phone in their hand or at a computer looking for people. Just wtf lol.

 

I told myself I'd never do it, and I downloaded Tinder, I had for about 9 months before I ever actually met up with someone cause I refused to do it but I finally gave in and said I'll give it a shot.

 

And exactly, none of them I was excited about, maybe prior to meeting a little, but again, just not the same as seeing an really good looking girl in public and starting up conversation and getting her number and going from there. Whole different experience It's exciting, u know what she looks like, you've already had a short conversation with her. Or maybe you've even already been talking to her for a month or so cause you go to the same gym or have class together so you have even a better idea what shes like. the first date with these online girls I didnt feel much either.

 

First girl I met up with had absolutely zero self confidence, she was in a rough relationship where she got cheated on 3 times, yes 3, and the first 2 times she actually got back with him...weird. So she just seemed a little...off

 

Second girl had a young mom, let her drink, do drugs, and party at a very young age, divorced parents so no dad growing up, lives in the middle of no where so every one does drugs and drinks for fun, low class area, not enough money to go to a 4 year college, tattoos on her hips and seemed a tad trashy. She was just a bit strange cause she showed zero intimacy, excitement or emotion. Couldn't really connect or relate to a girl like that. Seems like her future relationships will be screwed due to her past.

 

Forget OLD lol

Edited February 1, 2016 by Reitteg813

[Philosopher]

 

2. I schedule a phone call. If we can talk well on the phone for 15-30 minutes then IME the first date usually goes well unless there isn't chemistry. This has cut down my wasted time dramatically.

 

I do agree a chat on the phone does definitely help. Dates almost always seem to go considerably better if you have actually spoken to them first. At the very least you get an idea of what they are like. Though I have tended to find that it can frequently be quite hard to get that phone conversation as usually phone calls in my experience aren't answered or returned. I get the impression that due to texting most people these days are not that into phone conversations.

 

I can completely relate! I think it's healthy to take breaks from online dating every now and then, because it's exhausting to feel like you're going on a job interview all the time. I also think dates are more successful when more effort is put into it beforehand. More effort meaning, take the time to get to know each other a little bit before meeting in person. I also think dates are more successful when you're either in a very casual environment or doing some type of fun activity. Online dating is sometimes such a chore for all of us, but lately it feels like men are putting less and less effort into the date itself. Which kind of sets yourself up for failure.

 

I completely agree about some of the dates being a bit like job interviews, particularly if the conversation does not flow naturally, with the two of you exchanging questions to each other but not really having a proper flowing conversation. I must admit too that I have started to become a bit lazy with dates, by tending to stick to tried and trusted venues and usually arranging them after work in a place close to where both of us work, so if they do not go that well at least you have not spent to much time on the date.

[thecrucible]

I'm basically the female version of you, Philosopher...

 

Ah I wish it'd stop. I just find OLD overwhelming because of the amount of 'go nowhere' dating scenarios. It's okay at the beginning when you're fresh and eager but eventually it starts to grate. Like me, I don't think you're overly picky, it's just wanting to feel enough chemistry to make a go at things.