Is it me, or is it normal not to want to meet up again after an online dating meetup?

January 30, 2016

Yesterday I met up with someone from an online dating site and despite having some reasonably good expectations before the date, pretty soon after the date began it became pretty clear that I was not attracted to her and that we did not really have that much in common. Therefore I fairly quickly concluded that I would not be seeing her again and date ended after 50 minutes.

If a date like that was a one off I would have not been that concerned, however I have been doing online dating on and off for a few years now and I would say that at least two thirds of the time I have little or no desire to meet up with them again. Usually the dates do not go that badly, instead it is more a feeling of "Meh". On the dates I generally find that I am not attracted to them and the conversation is a bit strained. I do message girls that I think are attractive and sound like that we have a lot in common, however when we meet up this obviously is not the case.

I do find that the dates where I have higher expectations to begin with do usually go somewhat better, however often in the these cases the date ends up feeling even more of a disappointment when the initial high expectations turn out to be false.

Do others that have done online dating find that they generally too do not want to meet up again after the first meet up? Or is it case that I am rubbish at working out whom I should be messaging in the first place?

January 30, 2016

It's very possible that it's having such high expectations are causing the letdown when you meet women. Just a thought. It's harder to get to know someone if they don't fit the "vision" or "plan" that you have for them.

Perhaps try having little expectations when you meet and you might be pleasantly surprised to find out how better things like conversation and all flow with a new person.

January 31, 2016

It's very possible that it's having such high expectations are causing the letdown when you meet women. Just a thought. It's harder to get to know someone if they don't fit the "vision" or "plan" that you have for them.

Perhaps try having little expectations when you meet and you might be pleasantly surprised to find out how better things like conversation and all flow with a new person.

In general I find that even on the dates where I have low expectations of the date going well, I still find that I do not want to meet up with them again and it does not make the date flow any better. So regardless of whether I have low or high expectations, the result is usually the same. In many cases it is an attraction issue for me, in that I just do not feel any attraction to that person I am meeting and since I have felt it is something that I can't really control, changing my expectations of the date is probably is not going to help much in this respect.

Is it normal not to feel that much attraction when meeting someone off an online dating site?

January 31, 2016

I think it's because it is far easier to write them off when it started from online than it would if you'd experienced them over the course of time, be it in a work/school environment or for a few hours at a bar before you ask them out. You really have nothing tangibly invested when online--it's all in your head until you meet them in person.

Generally speaking, how long is it from the time you initially contact them to when you go for the first meeting?

January 31, 2016

I've done this. I don't see anything wrong with it. We just didn't click. Attraction can usually grow on me, so long as we connect in conversation. But since there isn't usually an emotional investment, I tend to look more towards the physical. Sounds terrible I know, but I guarantee I would feel differently had we met up after months of emails/calls/texts- because something would be established. And there would be the start of a foundation, be it friendship or more.

So OP, I think this is normal, unless you have been communicating for a month or more.

January 31, 2016

Maybe it's time to just go out there and interact with people irl.

January 31, 2016

YES!!! Lol, I thought it was just me. I posted in a thread earlier saying how I just can't do online dating. There's just something about it. Each time I left a date/date ended with a girl online I just felt "meh" I never really left thinking "that was a great time, cant wait to see her again"

It's just not the same as seeing this really cute girl over and over maybe in class, at the gym, the library, where ever or a girl in the mall, walking around campus and just finally going up to her, introducing yourself, and going from there. I just can't feel the same about someone I met online. Best date I've had to this day was with this girl that I had been talking to in the gym for about a month and a half. Finally asked her out and we went out to dinner and since we met in the gym, we had a lot in common (working out, eating healthy, living a healthy lifestyle etc.) and we spent 3-3.5 hours out at dinner but it felt like an hour. Ended the night and went home feeling amazing.

So far my online dating experience has been not so good. 3/4 girls looked nothing like their picture. The first one actually looked better in person. It's the angles they do, maybe pout their lips, filters, only showing a certain side of their face, etc. But I think it creates unrealistic expectations, but those 3 girls that didnt look like their pics I wouldnt have found attractive even if I saw them in person first, one of them maybe, but I doubt it.

January 31, 2016

In general I find that even on the dates where I have low expectations of the date going well, I still find that I do not want to meet up with them again and it does not make the date flow any better. So regardless of whether I have low or high expectations, the result is usually the same. In many cases it is an attraction issue for me, in that I just do not feel any attraction to that person I am meeting and since I have felt it is something that I can't really control, changing my expectations of the date is probably is not going to help much in this respect.

Is it normal not to feel that much attraction when meeting someone off an online dating site?

It's common to project what we want or imagine a person to be like when we meet up with someone from the Internet.

Internet dating has made me realise how important it is to not write a person off after one or two meetings. You have to take into account the fact that you do not in any way know a person you have met online, it can take a few meets to actually feel comfortable around each other and feel like you're getting to know a person.

It's a rarer thing to meet someone 'organically' these days, even if you do, there's a 90% chance they'll have a Tinder/OKC/Eharmony/Match account which is yet another element to contend with. So I would say, don't dismiss too early on. Granted, we have our 'red flag' or 'warning bells' which shouldn't be ignored, but allow yourself to get to know someone.

January 31, 2016

I always give it more than one date but yes, like you I've felt a bit meh about it after discovering how little we have in common or that we aren't connecting. It's nothing to do with looks as I've met up with a few hotties but let's not kid myself and assume that they were necessarily into me. For me I don't get high expectations before a date. I just go through the motions. I wouldn't feel so bad about it if I didn't have to travel for my dates (I live in a rural town). It's not the same as meeting someone in the same city as you. Sometimes I wonder if the whole process of online dating just isn't geared towards me as I need longer to gauge someone than a few dates; but after a few dates, the man will expect you to know if you want to pursue a relationship with him. I end up withdrawing as I don't like to lead people on. However if I met him in real life, I would have gotten to know him over a longer period of time without the pressure of dating.

January 31, 2016

So far my online dating experience has been not so good. 3/4 girls looked nothing like their picture. The first one actually looked better in person. It's the angles they do, maybe pout their lips, filters, only showing a certain side of their face, etc. But I think it creates unrealistic expectations, but those 3 girls that didnt look like their pics I wouldnt have found attractive even if I saw them in person first, one of them maybe, but I doubt it.

I think this is a big part of the problem, frequently people enhance themselves in photos on online dating so they look better then they really do. In my experience this is the case probably about half the time. However even if they do look like they do in their photos, the attraction frequently still is often not there. It could be that mismatching pheromones or some other subconscious signals are to blame in these situations. If meeting in real life you know right from the onset whether you are attracted to them or not, so there is no risk of this problem occurring on the date.

The other thing is that many people write rather generic stuff in their profiles, possibly in an attempt to appeal to the largest audience. However this means it is often hard to get an accurate reflection of what they really are like from their profile so you don't really get to know what they are like until you meet up with them.

January 31, 2016

I'm not sure that "nexting" 2/3 of people you met once is such a bad ratio, since you've been doing it for years. Maybe you're just really intuitive and good at knowing that there's nothing there without going any further. I mean you did want to see 1/3 of them again right?

January 31, 2016

I'm not sure that "nexting" 2/3 of people you met once is such a bad ratio, since you've been doing it for years. Maybe you're just really intuitive and good at knowing that there's nothing there without going any further. I mean you did want to see 1/3 of them again right?

Yes I would say a third of the time I have wanted to see them again. When I first started online dating, there were a few dates in which the date went reasonable well, however I did not really click with her. In these cases I decided to go on another date to see whether some connection would build on the second date, however in all cases that never happened.

Therefore after a while I started going on second dates only if I felt some spark on the first date. That said based on what a few people have said on this thread it seems it may be a good idea in future to meet up again if the date goes fairly well but there is no spark.

January 31, 2016

I think this is a big part of the problem, frequently people enhance themselves in photos on online dating so they look better then they really do. In my experience this is the case probably about half the time. However even if they do look like they do in their photos, the attraction frequently still is often not there. It could be that mismatching pheromones or some other subconscious signals are to blame in these situations. If meeting in real life you know right from the onset whether you are attracted to them or not, so there is no risk of this problem occurring on the date.

The other thing is that many people write rather generic stuff in their profiles, possibly in an attempt to appeal to the largest audience. However this means it is often hard to get an accurate reflection of what they really are like from their profile so you don't really get to know what they are like until you meet up with them.

I have had a ton of OLD experience......

You have a problem.....

You want that instant attraction on 5 minutes otherwise it's over. You talked to married couples...well over 59% will say at first meet they would have said hell no. After meeting them a few times and getting yo know them or dating a 2nd or 3rd time they then started to develop feelings.

Another problem on your end...you are wan tinting someone that doesn't exist....or someone out of your league. You may be a 6 wanting 9-10s but you are dating and rejecting 5/6/7s.

January 31, 2016

I have had a ton of OLD experience......

You have a problem.....

You want that instant attraction on 5 minutes otherwise it's over. You talked to married couples...well over 59% will say at first meet they would have said hell no. After meeting them a few times and getting yo know them or dating a 2nd or 3rd time they then started to develop feelings.

Another problem on your end...you are wan tinting someone that doesn't exist....or someone out of your league. You may be a 6 wanting 9-10s but you are dating and rejecting 5/6/7s.

I have in the past been on second and third dates if the date went well but there was little initial attraction, hoping more attraction would build, however it did not. That said I do agree with others in this thread that I should give it another chance and meet up again in these situations.

When I say there should be some spark on the first date, I am not expecting to fall in love or develop intense feelings by the end of date. Even I am not that naive . However I do think that during the first date there does have to be at least some degree of attraction and you do have to have some common interests so that there is some potential for some deeper feelings to develop later. At the end of day I cannot force myself to be attracted to someone.

January 31, 2016

I think this is a big part of the problem, frequently people enhance themselves in photos on online dating so they look better then they really do. In my experience this is the case probably about half the time. However even if they do look like they do in their photos, the attraction frequently still is often not there. It could be that mismatching pheromones or some other subconscious signals are to blame in these situations. If meeting in real life you know right from the onset whether you are attracted to them or not, so there is no risk of this problem occurring on the date.

The other thing is that many people write rather generic stuff in their profiles, possibly in an attempt to appeal to the largest audience. However this means it is often hard to get an accurate reflection of what they really are like from their profile so you don't really get to know what they are like until you meet up with them.

Yup, that's why in person is so much better. I know I'm attracted to them. Not to how they look in pictures with their lips pouted, the right angle only showing the decent side of their face, with filters and just the right lighting and using the 8th out of 15 attempted selfies. Every single date that I've gone on with a girl that I approached in person has gone better than all of the 9 dates I've gone on with girls I've met online. And I always feel better and I'm more excited towards that person who I met in person first vs. online.

And I don't know how people can say attraction isn't important. Isn't that how pretty much everyone get that first date? Isnt it what makes someone interested in someone else?

Edited January 31, 2016 by Reitteg813

January 31, 2016

I regularly feel nothing at all on a first date from on line dating. In those cases I don't see them again, but I'm honest about it.

Likewise they often feel nothing for me on the first date and they choose not to see me again, which is fine I get that. I just wish they didn't lie about it and say they want to meet up again when they clearly don't which is demonstrated by their actions of disappearing form the face of the earth after date number one.

As a result of a combination of the above I've never been beyond a second date in 2 years. Had way too many first dates now that I've lost count and it's now feeling tedious and pointless.

January 31, 2016

I feel like first dates are always awkward in a way. Yes, the messaging back and forth beforehand went well, and there seemed to be chemistry... But then you're suddenly facing the person in those pictures in a semi-forced environment and forced to talk for who knows how long. Before the awkwardness is gone, time is up.

I always make conversation and try to keep it going. However, when I feel like I have to put most of the effort into the talking, then my interest will slowly fade.

Also, I usually leave a first date with a feeling as if there are so many things we haven't been able to talk about. Unfinished business in a way. It's frustrating...

January 31, 2016

I regularly feel nothing at all on a first date from on line dating. In those cases I don't see them again, but I'm honest about it.

Likewise they often feel nothing for me on the first date and they choose not to see me again, which is fine I get that. I just wish they didn't lie about it and say they want to meet up again when they clearly don't which is demonstrated by their actions of disappearing form the face of the earth after date number one.

As a result of a combination of the above I've never been beyond a second date in 2 years. Had way too many first dates now that I've lost count and it's now feeling tedious and pointless.

Woah.

Read my previous post on this thread and tell me what you think.

If you're a one date wonder (awful phrase, I know!) then you could not be giving things a chance. One date really isn't enough sometimes in order to get to know a person. Are you emotionally available with your dates? Do you take a genuine interest in trying to forge a connection with your date?

January 31, 2016

I always get past a first date with women from online, minimum I've had is 3. But still, all three dates just felt "meh" just whatever. Has me strongly considering giving it up for good. Also cause 3 out of the 4 I met up with looked very different in person. Like OP was saying, and like I said earlier, just don't think its for me. Cold approaches are the way to go.

February 1, 2016

Woah.

Read my previous post on this thread and tell me what you think.

If you're a one date wonder (awful phrase, I know!) then you could not be giving things a chance. One date really isn't enough sometimes in order to get to know a person. Are you emotionally available with your dates? Do you take a genuine interest in trying to forge a connection with your date?

I've read your previous post and I agree with it. It takes a lot more than a first date to get to know someone and get past the awkwardness. I only decide against the ones I know I'm not physically attracted to, that can't be forced it's a natural feeling that is either there or it's not.

If I like the woman in question I am very open yes. I am genuine yes. I'm always willing to see them again and try getting to know them properly face to face. Yet every girl I actually feel like I'm clicking with writes me off after the first date. They may say they want to meet up again, but they then ignore all further communication.

I have to add that out of 20+ women I've been interested in about 4.

February 1, 2016

Absolutely yes and the other way round too.

You can never tell until you meet someone in the flesh.

The irony of it is that those I have been a bit meh about at first on line tend to be much better in real life and those I am excited about meeting on line tend to be a bit meh in real life...

Some guys I think are super hot in their photos but in real life? Absolutely no way I would ever try to chat them up. The whole smile thing is usually a deciding factor there.

February 1, 2016

My guess is that IRL you have a sense whether there is any chemistry. You can't tell that from a profile and a photo IME.

I've been through similar. I've had a lot of awkward meetings from OLD.

I have done two things that have helped improve my results:

1. Don't get carried away from anything on OLD until you have met in person. Who cares about their photo, a hobby, their writing style, etc. It's not real until you meet IRL.

2. I schedule a phone call. If we can talk well on the phone for 15-30 minutes then IME the first date usually goes well unless there isn't chemistry. This has cut down my wasted time dramatically.

For women I would say it might be worth going out again if it was meh but not bad. But with men if it's not there right away it never comes.

February 1, 2016

YES!!! Lol, I thought it was just me. I posted in a thread earlier saying how I just can't do online dating. There's just something about it. Each time I left a date/date ended with a girl online I just felt "meh" I never really left thinking "that was a great time, cant wait to see her again"

It's just not the same as seeing this really cute girl over and over maybe in class, at the gym, the library, where ever or a girl in the mall, walking around campus and just finally going up to her, introducing yourself, and going from there. I just can't feel the same about someone I met online. Best date I've had to this day was with this girl that I had been talking to in the gym for about a month and a half. Finally asked her out and we went out to dinner and since we met in the gym, we had a lot in common (working out, eating healthy, living a healthy lifestyle etc.) and we spent 3-3.5 hours out at dinner but it felt like an hour. Ended the night and went home feeling amazing.

So far my online dating experience has been not so good. 3/4 girls looked nothing like their picture. The first one actually looked better in person. It's the angles they do, maybe pout their lips, filters, only showing a certain side of their face, etc. But I think it creates unrealistic expectations, but those 3 girls that didnt look like their pics I wouldnt have found attractive even if I saw them in person first, one of them maybe, but I doubt it.

I'm with you, man. I like to see someone in person first, feel the attraction then go from there.

BTW, great story about you getting a date with a girl at the gym.

February 1, 2016

Absolutely yes and the other way round too.

You can never tell until you meet someone in the flesh.

The irony of it is that those I have been a bit meh about at first on line tend to be much better in real life and those I am excited about meeting on line tend to be a bit meh in real life....

Yup, same with me. First girl I ever met up with from online I was a bit hesitant. Even considered cancelling last minute, was just kinda okay in pictures (I was swiping right for every single person at the time lol) and in person she looked much better.

Second girl other way around, very excited to finally meet her in person, looked great in pics, in person she didn't look anywhere near as good. Left the date texting a friend that it was just disappointing.

I'm with you, man. I like to see someone in person first, feel the attraction then go from there.

BTW, great story about you getting a date with a girl at the gym.

Yeah. To me it's just strange doing this online thing. I'm much much more excited when it comes to a date with a girl I approached in public. I already know what I'm getting myself into in terms of how she looks, talks, etc.

February 1, 2016

Yeah. To me it's just strange doing this online thing. I'm much much more excited when it comes to a date with a girl I approached in public. I already know what I'm getting myself into in terms of how she looks, talks, etc.

The more I try OLD the more I believe just about everyone on there is damaged. Burned from past relationships, socially awkward, con-artists, scammers... I have met some real nice women but none that made me excited I wanted to see them again.

Only in IRL have I had that excited feeling and experiences with women. It just gets harder as you get older as opportunities begin to dry up meeting someone IRL.

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Is it me, or is it normal not to want to meet up again after an online dating meetup?

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