Ex showed true colors after breakup and it hurts

[JJhon]

I was in a 4 year long distance relationship. Although far and living hours away, we saw each other every holiday, and we would spend every day together when we saw each other. We always looked forward to the day when we no longer had to do long distance. We got engaged 12 months before she was due to finish university and move to my city in Denver. Her family lived in my city, so she had other reason (bonuses) for moving here, but our relationship was the main reason.

 

Four months before she was due to come, she broke things off with me. She said she needed space, and she needed to know who she was, she said I was controlling as well, and she hadn't been happy in our relationship for a while. She said she was overwhelmed with her other problems (money, insecurities, child trauma and studies). I saw this slowly coming, but i respected her decision, and we ended our relationship without any yelling, or fighting. Interestingly enough, she was still moving to Denver, she said she had nothing back home, at least in Denver she had some family. I was surprised by this.

 

She said she wanted to see how things were once she arrived in four months. I said I was going to move on and not wait for her, I wanted to solve our problems as a couple. I wasn't going to spend the next 4 or 5 months hoping things would work out. This was the END of us. However, she still said that when she arrived she wanted to give us another chance, she thought there was a good chance we could be very happy in the future. As much as I loved her, I wanted to solve this as a couple. She said we could still be in a relationship, but just not contact each other at all until she came over to Denver. I did not agree to this, I said we are either a couple or we are not. I am not going to play your games. I love you with all my heart, you were always the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It hurts my heart so much, but I cant let her toy with me.

 

So the only option she had was to end things. We ended things well. HOWEVER, it didn't take long after the break up that she started sending me angry texts, she wanted me to return to her some plates she had given me as a gift years ago. I was not coping well, so I ignored all her texts, and her four phone calls. Besides, I know she didn't really want those plates, they were worth about $30 dollars only, and she had not mentioned them in years. I think she just wanted to annoy me, or contact me, or something else, the plates were just an excuse.

 

After 2 weeks of ignoring her, she had enough, when I wasn't home, she broke into my house and stole the plates and took with her some of my own belongings. In total she stole about $3000 worth of my belongings.

 

I was so shocked at what she had done, I didn't contact the police. I was devastated she would do this to hurt me. But at the same time, it made things better for me, in my mind I could confirm that this girl is mentally unstable, she is not well. I was about to marry her! This was INCREDIBLY out of character for her, she never ever displayed this type of behaviour during our 4 year relationship. She was always so genuine, so caring, so loving, she loved helping out people, she had the sweetest heart, thats why I wanted to marry her.

 

Now here I am, still thinking about her, I still love her. I still haven't seen here, or spoken to her spoken to her since the brake up 6 months ago, aside from 2 text messages. One message saying that I couldn't believe she had stolen from me and I didn't want her contacting me, i told her to move on. And the second message was just a genuine message wishing her merry christmas.

 

I don't hate this girl, in honesty, I am fairly well off, so the stuff she stole is not financially significant to me. I never asked for it back, I didn't want to give her the joy of having something I wanted. But I am so shocked still, that she would do such a thing. I never ever would have expected this from her.

 

My heart still aches, I still think about us getting back together. A couple of weeks ago she moved to Denver, a friend told me. For some sick reason, I still want to be back with her, my heart is still attached. But I know it is wrong, she is sick in the head. I cant imagine what she would be like married to me, can you imagine going through a divorce with this beast? she would try wipe me clean. As sad as this sounds, deep down I think what I really want is for her to want me back, and then for me to reject her. It sounds sick, but that would give me joy and peace. I just want to be validated by her, even today, im doing things that I know she would be happy that I am doing. I am doing things, so that if she sees me again, she will look at me and regret leaving me. I know I am good guy, I am not a pushover, I am genuinely caring, I earn decent money, I am no model, but I am decently good looking. I lacked a social life, but not anymore, I have many friends now that she is gone. I am also working out and advancing my studies. I know exactly what she looks for in a guy, so I am improving myself, in the hopes that she will regret what she did. but I know getting back with her is the wrong thing to do. but at the same time I cant see myself with anyone else.

 

I also wonder if she loves me still, does she think about me. Does she wonder how I am doing. But she hasn't contacted me since I texted her saying don't contact me. She unfriend me from Facebook. I still don't understand why she hates me, we ended the relationship well, she said I was a great guy most of the time, she said she didnt know if she wanted to be with me in the future, and that she needed this time for herself. She said she was better off having known me than not had known me. All I did was fully ignore her after the brake up, i never chased her, and then she started hating me. What did I ****ing do?

 

This hurts me. She went through some really really difficult times, I was always there for her, I was the only person in her life that was there for her during those tough moments. I wasn't a saint during our relationship, but I have peace of mind knowing I never intended to hurt her, I never premeditated anything to hurt her. I know i hurt her during our relationship, but it was never done by me intentionally. I genuinely always wanted the best for her.

 

What do I do? She just arrived in Denver, do I keep my hopes up, I think sooner or later she will contact me. But what is the point, do I really want to take her back? Do I really want to be with this crazy bitch?

Edited January 30, 2016 by JJhon

[smudge21]

Just my opinion, but I reckon you in some ways acted like the dumper - she was sort of keen to keep in contact, keep close, but you (quite rightly) said no, it was a relationship or nothing. Now don't think for one second I'm saying that was wrong, I commend it. You had something strong and didn't want to play games. Many people would've just agreed to her demands and accepted defeat, you stood true to what you wanted. However, because of that, maybe deep down you feel it was you who forced this to end, you kicked her away and therefore you feel like the dumper, the one who controlled and brought about the end. With this in mind, many dumpers get second thoughts, not because they want the ex back, but because they miss that ego stroke and attention when their dumpee suddenly heals and moves on.

 

Obviously I can only give my opinion on this, but the fact you know all her bad traits but still want her back just points me in that direction. Plus, it isn't really her you want back (you say she's totally wrong for you) but what she meant to you; how she made you feel. That's what you want back - the attention, the love, the closeness, the connection. You remember all the good feelings and link them directly to her, without realising that you can have those exact same feelings again with someone new, someone better.

[JJhon]

Thanks for your reply.

 

I don think I dumped her. I loved her so much, I never wanted to brake up with her. I know she didn't exactly wanted to brake up, she just wanted a long brake. But I couldn't agree to that, she was only thinking about her, perhaps even just keeping me on the line in case things didn't work out for her in the future.

 

I wonder if she has moved on? She just moved to Denver, she doesn't know anyone, aside from her 3 much older family members she is all alone. She is starting her life again. She has no friends here, I know that for a fact. Its hard to understand why she hates me so much after the brake up. What did I do. Did she really just expect me to chase her and beg her, even after I told her I was going to move on, I couldn't wait for her if she ended the relationship. She must still have strong feelings for me, even if its just hate. It was only 4 months ago that she broke into my house.

[smudge21]

I didn't mean you dumped her but you did control the end of it. She wanted space (yawn) and you couldn't handle that. You didn't want it. Good on you. Her ego was bruised because you weren't prepared to jump through her hoops. Your feeling partly regretful due to your decisions. You have to step back from this and work out are you truly wanting her or just wanting how she made you feel?

I know its hard not to overthink about an ex or even anyone you have feelings for. Even now I'm doing similar over someone who doesn't feel the same way about me as I do her. It sucks but you can never ever make someone feel for you. You can only do what is best for you. You know this girl is wrong for you and I think youjust need to let go and understand that the emotional connectiom you had with her, you can get from someone else.