Horrible life story

[piyu]

I am posting a very personal and weird story of my life as I am fed up of keeping it to myself and it's killing me inside.

just after a family person's sudden loss, I pushed myself into an arranged marriage because that's what my family wanted and I wasn't dating anyone at that time. To tell you the truth, only reason we both said yes to each other because we both look good physically . After one month of marriage, we found out that the relationship is not working, we would fight everyday and wont spend time with each other, it was supposed to be our honeymoon period, I could see what the future would hold right after a month. Fast forwarding, one year in marriage all other aspects completely stopped working, like no intimacy for 6 months, we started drinking almost daily and would pass out at night then go back to office the next day.

 

A very very bad day at office when I almost suddenly developed feelings for a guy who used to sit in front of my cubicle. I stared at him for quite sometime and after a month I gave in and kind of proposed him. I was so attracted to him that I couldn't keep it to myself. We started dating behind my husband's back. Life started to make more sense to me. For the first time in years I was actually happy.

 

After few months I moved to a western country with my husband, my bf also moved there in different city. I chose to study in the city my bf was working. My husband did not even come to drop me there. He didn't mind that I was moving out for a year and note it, he never visited me once that entire year. My bf took care of me, he found out house for me, would drop and pick me up from school, would ask me if I ate anything. He cared a lot. After 3 months I finally decided to move in with him in his house.

 

I lived with him for almost one and a half years, I got a job there and started helping him out. Life was so good and I never missed my husband. I started hoping that one day this guy would marry me except he never wanted to. He is a single guy and would have arranged marriage according to his family's wishes.

After sometime my husband got transferred to another country and because of society and family pressure I had to be with him. I could have given him divorce but that's not an option until this guy says yes to marry me. I am financially dependent on my husband and there is almost no one in my family I can go to because all live abroad and I don't have visa to live anywhere permanently plus they wont accept me if I ever divorce my current husband.

So, here I am, in a new country with my husband, he is a changed person now, says he loves me, takes care of me, gives me whatever I want but it's kind of too late. I don't hate him, I am out of love. My heart belongs to that one person who showed me how wonderful life could be when I was dead inside.

I love him deeply and I told my husband about this illicit relationship, he forgave me and asked me to forget about it except I can't.

Now, my bf has gone back to his family and going for an arranged marriage and it breaks my heart. I can't imagine him sharing those quality moments with someone else. I have become depressed, I won't get out of my bed, won't cook and house is a mess. My husband and I no longer fight with each other and he let me cope with my feelings. I am dying inside, getting up is really a task for me. I keep crying in the bathroom privately. My eyes are swollen almost all the time. I don't know how to cope with this. Please advice what to do.

[Satu]

Get a divorce.

 

Until you do that nothing will change for the better.

[piyu]

As I told you divorce is not an option until I have someone on my side to take care of me. I am heart broken but at least someone is taking care of me, If I move out and live alone I would probably go crazy and die.

I had no intention to give divorce when my marriage wasn't working, I thought all marriages are same until I met my bf. If I can't spend rest of my life with my bf then I guess I can be with anyone and it really doesn't matter who.

[Satu]

You are an adult.

 

That means you're fully capable of taking care of yourself.

[TaraMaiden2]

I entirely agree with satu.

If you're old enough to marry, if you're old enough to work, if you're old enough to embark upon an affair, if you're old enough to travel to and from any locations unsupervised, if you're old enough to deal with your own money - then you're old enough to be independent.

 

You can never hang your reliance on the shoulders of someone else and expect them to support you and take care of you.

You're a free-thinking adult, faced with choices you make, every day.

 

Why should they carry you?

What makes you believe they should?

Why do you feel entitled to be carried and cared for by someone else?

 

Take control of your life and deal with things as you should.

[piyu]

I agree with both of you, I am old enough to be independent. But my problem is not that. If I can't spend rest of my life with that one person I love then divorced from this marriage or not, I will suffer both ways. independent or not it's all same as of now.

FYI, divorce is not an option right now, we just moved to different country and according to laws here we can only apply for divorce after a year of stay.

 

My problem is not my marriage I guess, my problem is this broken relationship. I shouldn't have gotten myself into this mess. I just wish my Bf marries me. I don't really know what I can do to make him want me.

[piyu]

I would like to add that I am unemployed at the moment and financially & visa wise dependent on my husband. My dad lives with my brother in other country not in my home land and my mom passed away, so there is noone from family to be with in my home country. I had saved 20 K $ which I gave to my husband to pay credit bills.

[TaraMaiden2]

I would like to add that I am unemployed at the moment and financially & visa wise dependent on my husband. My dad lives with my brother in other country not in my home land and my mom passed away, so there is noone from family to be with in my home country. I had saved 20 K $ which I gave to my husband to pay credit bills.

 

Well that was dumb.

Who accrued the debt?

 

 

Find a job, start earning money and gaining independence.

 

And if the debts were his, or divisible, get him to pay his share back.

[TaraMaiden2]

I agree with both of you, I am old enough to be independent. But my problem is not that. If I can't spend rest of my life with that one person I love then divorced from this marriage or not, I will suffer both ways. independent or not it's all same as of now.

FYI, divorce is not an option right now, we just moved to different country and according to laws here we can only apply for divorce after a year of stay.

 

My problem is not my marriage I guess, my problem is this broken relationship. I shouldn't have gotten myself into this mess. I just wish my Bf marries me. I don't really know what I can do to make him want me.

 

Your problem is that you are mixing an emotional issue up with a practical one.

Emotionally, you have a problem with a bf who apparently won't marry you.

 

For whatever reasons he has, he doesn't want to get married.

 

But of course, the other issue is that he can't marry you - while you're still married to your husband!

 

Your happiness should not be dependent on what someone else does for you, or with you.

Other people cannot make you happy.

Only you can make you happy.

 

You can't make your bf do anything.

And he's hardly in any position to be able to, anyway.

 

So seek independence by finding a job, and setting the divorce wheels in motion.

If you can't divorce for a year, there's nothing to say you can't separate.

 

It sounds like you're living in a Westwern country. Possibly Canada? I don't know.

 

But investigate your legal situation, and right now, put your bf on a back burner.

Learn to understand that happiness is your responsibility, not his.

 

But one thing's for sure - if you do nothing - then nothing will change.

[DarkHorizon]

Sounds like there is a strong cultural factor playing a major role in this whole story. To most of us, the situation sounds quite unique and confusing. I think we are having a hard time understanding it mainly because, being raised in the West, we are used to more freedom of choice, independency, and control over our decisions, than you seem to be. Maybe I am totally wrong, but that's the impression I got since reading the first post.

[BluEyeL]

Sounds like there is a strong cultural factor playing a major role in this whole story. To most of us, the situation sounds quite unique and confusing. I think we are having a hard time understanding it mainly because, being raised in the West, we are used to more freedom of choice, independency, and control over our decisions, than you seem to be. Maybe I am totally wrong, but that's the impression I got since reading the first post.

 

I have the same impression and that's why my advice is not the same one I'd give to a western person.

 

I think, if possible, ask your husband to take you to a psychologist to help you get over the ex-boyfriend. If your ex-boyfriend is from the same culture, he'll probably not marry you because his family won't approve of him marrying a divorced woman.

 

All you can do is work on yourself to get over the boyfriend and start taking care of yourself, your house, husband. Make friends there where you are at, get out. Maybe you need medication for depression. The first thing is getting over the boyfriend and taking care of your depression. After that you can decide if you want to divorce your husband. But I don't think you'll do that, given the cultural issue of an indian (or pakistani etc.) woman being divorced and totally independent is not really acceptable.

[Satu]

I think the difference between what the East considers admirable in a woman, and what the West considers admirable, are very far apart.

 

In the West we admire an independent minded woman who makes her own decisions.

 

In general, I don't get the feeling that the East shares in that admiration.

 

I'd go as far as to say that the East tends to infantilise women and encourages dependency and passivity.

Edited January 30, 2016 by Satu

[piyu]

wow SATU, what a judgemental comment. How can you be so sure about what eastern people love. Everyone is different.

Regardless of culture everyone loves the trait of independence. My husband wants me to be independent. If he wasn't

open minded, he wouldn't have sent me to some other state to study. It's just me, I am taking things slowly. I don't want

to do things in rush and then regret all my life, maybe that's what eastern people do.

My husband has no problem with me. I have problems with myself. I am an independent woman and I said it again and again

I am not in right mind to do anything right now. Kindly don't judge an entire group of people based on my thread.

 

and your comment "I'd go as far as to say that the East tends to infantilise women and encourages dependency and passivity."

My jaw dropped and I couldn't stop laughing. Thanks for making me laugh, I laughed after such a long time.

But with due respect, you are totally wrong and I can't explain you how things are with eastern people

because you are too judgmental and I can't change the way you think. Anyway, I request all the readers please do

not reply if you are going to judge my thread coz we as a human beings do not understand things unless we are in same shoe.

 

Anyways, Thanks all of you for your comments, I really appreciate that you took time and replied me.

[piyu]

and one more thing Satu, your status :" Occupation

Don't work. Don't need to."

I feel you are more dependent than me, I am not sure if you are western or eastern or from mars but I don't really judge you like you just did. coz if you don't need to work and unless you are president of some country you too are dependent!!!

[TaraMaiden2]

wow SATU, what a judgemental comment. How can you be so sure about what eastern people love. Everyone is different.

Regardless of culture everyone loves the trait of independence. My husband wants me to be independent. If he wasn't

open minded, he wouldn't have sent me to some other state to study.

Ok, well, on this basis alone, you have to understand that - Regardless of cultural influences or differences - your husband is at least this way. There are many, many women, from many different backgrounds, who do not enjoy this privilege. Even in Western society, you will find some guys who apparently seem to support their wives in their ambitions - but still expect the house to be clean, dinner to be ready and the bed to be warm...

 

It's just me, I am taking things slowly. I don't want

to do things in rush and then regret all my life, maybe that's what eastern people do.

It sounds by what you say that you don't entirely live a typical eastern life. But it also sounds as if you prevaricate. It's not so much that you want to make the right decision.

The problem is - and please consider whether this might be the case (given your first comments about wishing to be taken care of, it's a distinct possibility...)

 

You're putting off making a decision about your own future because frankly - you want the best of both worlds.

You feel comfortable and secure in your present condition because you have a roof over your head, an agreeable lifestyle and food on the plate. But you also want the love, passion and relative excitement of the affair and the intimacy. So you are reluctant to consider giving one up for the other, which is not guaranteed anyway.

In brief, you don't want to step into the unknown, because you're relatively comfortable where you are. It's just emotionally that you are not fulfilled.

 

My husband has no problem with me. I have problems with myself. I am an independent woman and I said it again and again.

So:

Knowing now, what you know now: What practical measures can you take to start seeing a solution to the problems?

You have choices. You ALWAYS have choices. What you will also have, are consequences.

Instead of saying "I have problems" consider "I have different solutions. What are the associated risks?"

 

I am not in right mind to do anything right now.

What would it take to put you in your right mind?

 

and your comment "I'd go as far as to say that the East tends to infantilise women and encourages dependency and passivity."

My jaw dropped and I couldn't stop laughing. Thanks for making me laugh, I laughed after such a long time.

But with due respect, you are totally wrong and I can't explain you how things are with eastern people.

Perception is often deception. But when you are 'fed' certain information about cultural mores, naturally, it's difficult to discount them and consider them false. The perception is not ENTIRELY false. Eastern cultures DO still consider women inferior. This is an undeniable fact, but the "worm is turning" this is evident. Women in such cultures are most certainly breaking the mould, of that, there is no doubt. But just as with the caste system in India, it's hard to go against centuries of conditioning, and change peoples' minds overnight.

 

because you are too judgmental and I can't change the way you think.

That's a ridiculous comment.

If you teach, people with open minds will learn. Of course you can change the way people think. If we couldn't change the way people thing, all types of discrimination would still be acceptable.

Satu may have rubbed you up the wrong way, but there is a willingness there to absorb new informnation, just as there is with you.

Don't be intolerant of people you don't know.

In one way or another, all words teach.

 

Anyway, I request all the readers please do not reply if you are going to judge my thread coz we as a human beings do not understand things unless we are in same shoe.

The same could go for you. Being judgmental of someone else's attitude and so dismissive, is not tolerant, is it...?

People are people. You will encounter all manner of different views, and some will be pleasant, and others less so. Just take what is of value, but as I said: Everything teaches us something. Particularly about ourselves.....

 

Anyways, Thanks all of you for your comments, I really appreciate that you took time and replied me.

I would advise you to write your dilemmas down, and use each one as a heading to a column... write down the practical and emotional implications.

Do not let your emotions rule your head when making decisions which require a practical remedy.

 

Good luck....With Much Metta.

 

Namaste.

[piyu]

"Perception is often deception. But when you are 'fed' certain information about cultural mores, naturally,it's difficult to discount them and consider them false. The perception is not ENTIRELY false. Eastern cultures DO still consider women inferior. This is an undeniable fact, but the "worm is turning" this is evident. Women in such cultures are most certainly breaking th mould, of that, there is no doubt. But just as with the caste system in India, it's hard to go against centuries of conditioning, and change peoples' minds overnight. "

 

Are you Indian? or Pakistani? or Chinese? or from any eastern country? If the answer is no it's most probably you read things

from news paper which always highlight incidents of particular people, you can't judge the whole community based on some

ridiculous news, can you? For instance, Western rate of rape is as high as any of the eastern country, Western rate of killing is as high as

any eastern country because it's legal to have pistols here. Divorce rate is highest in western countries and it has become a major concern.

People wonder why arranged marriages work? There are several scientific reasons why they do and why western people should implement these

techniques. When I said I can't divorce you asked If I live in Canada? Why are you putting particular countries in your comment??

When I am trying to not disclose any information here?

BTW it wasn't Canada and it isn't India. Keep guessing and keep mentioning China, India, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran and whatever

comes in your mind

 

"You're putting off making a decision about your own future because frankly - you want the best of both worlds."

 

Yes I do, what is wrong with that? Everyone is selfish, if you ever had a relationship and if anyone ever broke you heart it was because they were selfish. they were thinking about

themselves. Even you did all of your life except if you were Mother Teresa.

You eat non-veg , why? because you like it's taste. I would say it kills poor animals but you won't think about it coz you are selfish, your taste and stomach comes first.

You want to eat it no matter what the poor chicken or poor cow or poor pig has to suffer. No matter what, you need to eat it!! your cravings

make you go to all non-veg restaurants, right? Can you stop it? Probably no. I am a vegetarian, I can be judgmental here and ask you

to stop it and give 10000 reasons to do so but I am not. So it just proves my point that you should be in my shoe then I will see how you judge.

 

"People are people. You will encounter all manner of different views, and some will be pleasant, and others less so. Just take what is of value, but as I said: Everything teaches us something. Particularly about ourselves....."

 

Exactly my above point, Thanks for pointing it out, I hope the people who are pointing fingers at eastern culture learn something!

 

 

"Good luck....With Much Metta. Namaste."

 

looks like you are Indian, That's why your comment about Indian people, living in Canada coz first one to pointing out. One suggestion, do not mention countries, places or anything in your posts coz none of the places you mentioned about me were true. Anyways thank for writing me. God bless you.

[TaraMaiden2]

Are you Indian? or Pakistani? or Chinese? or from any eastern country? If the answer is no it's most probably you read things

from news paper which always highlight incidents of particular people, you can't judge the whole community based on some

ridiculous news, can you?

I think you'll find that's the point I was trying to make.

 

For instance, Western rate of rape is as high as any of the eastern country, Western rate of killing is as high as

any eastern country because it's legal to have pistols here. Divorce rate is highest in western countries and it has become a major concern.

People wonder why arranged marriages work? There are several scientific reasons why they do and why western people should implement these

techniques.

Is this based on what you know for yourself, or what you have read somewhere?

You see how perception can be influenced?

When I said I can't divorce you asked If I live in Canada? Why are you putting particular countries in your comment??

Because I believe being resident for a year, is a prerequisite in Canada that I know of.

 

When I am trying to not disclose any information here?

BTW it wasn't Canada and it isn't India. Keep guessing and keep mentioning China, India, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran and whatever

comes in your mind

Ok, look: I am merely contributing to your thread to try to help.

Unless certain information IS given, we cannot provide relevant information to that point. Divorce and marital laws are different everywhere, so unless we can help more specifically, our assistance is merely paying lip service.

 

You're being very prickly and defensive, here. As stated, I'm just trying to help. It's not productive to attack those whose intentions are benevolent. Why are you being so hostile?

 

Yes I do, what is wrong with that? Everyone is selfish, if you ever had a relationship and if anyone ever broke you heart it was because they were selfish.

Unfortunately 'selfish' isn't going to provide you with the solutions you'd like. You may have to re-examine what you really want, decide how feasible it is, and make compromises. No matter HOW 'selfish' anyone is, it will never, ever always go all their way.

they were thinking about

themselves. Even you did all of your life except if you were Mother Teresa.

Mother Teresa was one of the most selfish people going. Have you any idea how manipulative and controlling she was?

You eat non-veg , why? because you like it's taste. I would say it kills poor animals but you won't think about it coz you are selfish, your taste and stomach comes first.

You want to eat it no matter what the poor chicken or poor cow or poor pig has to suffer. No matter what, you need to eat it!! your cravings

make you go to all non-veg restaurants, right? Can you stop it? Probably no. I am a vegetarian, I can be judgmental here and ask you

to stop it and give 10000 reasons to do so but I am not. So it just proves my point that you should be in my shoe then I will see how you judge.

Actually, I've been vegetarian for quite a long time. Maybe longer even than when you were born.... I await your apology for this presumptuous and insulting accusation.

 

Exactly my above point, Thanks for pointing it out, I hope the people who are pointing fingers at eastern culture learn something!

I have not pointed fingers, at all. So why you are being so hostile towards me, I don't know. Everything I have put here has been to try to support you in a difficult time.

 

 

looks like you are Indian,

Nope. Not even close.

That's why your comment about Indian people, living in Canada coz first one to pointing out.

Now who's making assumptions?

 

One suggestion, do not mention countries, places or anything in your posts coz none of the places you mentioned about me were true.

Then practical advice cannot be offered, because if we can't know whst country or continent you live in, then we can only provide placatory advice, and stuff it seems you'd like to hear, rather than anything practical to follow.

 

Anyways thank for writing me. God bless you.

 

I wish I could take that in a sincere way. Unfortunately, I think you have said it to be dismissive, not with any benevolent intention, and I'm going by the body of your post.

A pity.

I'm sure if you were a little less hostile and defensive, and more open to genuine support when it is offered, we could help you more.

[piyu]

Hi tara, I really appreciate your help. Sorry for being so defensive. Sorry if my comments hurt you, I am genuinely sorry. I take my words back. When I said thanks for helping me, I meant it.