Guest Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Hi everyone, I am seeking some advice. I've been lurking here for a bit and could use a little help. Bear with me this is a little long, but worthy of a soap opera I'm sure! My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about a month and a half ago. A few weeks into the breakup, he brought up the idea of reconciling, not right away but at some point in the future. Neither of us felt ready to re-enter the relationship right now, but we both agreed that it's something we would consider for longer term. After much discussion, we made an "agreement." The agreement was, that in order to put our past relationship in perspective and decide if a reconciliation is what we really wanted, we would not see anyone else (nor have sex with, nor date, nor fool around with, etc etc) for two months. We could interact with each other in that time if we wanted, without any sexual contact, but the point was that, until we came to a decision regarding wether or not to continue with each other, we would not introduce "other people" into the equation. If after two months we decided there was no longer any future for us, we would part ways amicably. If we decided at that time that we were on a good track, we would continue for another two months, and so on. I thought that this was smart and sensible. Since, we made this agreement, we had talked about our sex life during our relationship and how compatible we were, and during that conversation, he said some things (that I won't go into here) that made me stand up and take notice.... nothing outright bad mind you, but just piqued my interest, for these were things that he didn't need to say -- it seemed like he was trying to cover his behind about something, I just didn't know what at the time. Well, I did a little digging, because what he said really had me on edge. Nothing too bad, I didn't get into his email or anything, but I did go online to a few dating sites and started running searches for men of his description. One of these was a sex and swingers site. On each site I found a few men who could have been him, some were a closer match than others. I picked a few whose descriptions closely matched his and started corresponding with them (yes this meant that I had to create a profile, which I did - but made it so that my "description" didn't resemble me at all). I know this sounds crazy, but by this point, I just had a burning "feeling" that I was onto something. As a background, our relationship had dissolved over trust issues in the first place, so I wasn't just taking a shot in the dark, I just KNEW, but I had no definite proof. And it turns out I was right, I got my proof. One of the correspondences on the sex site sounded more and more like him (I was posing as a woman who was interested in hooking up with him and asked him some personal questions to see if there were similarities). The clincher came when he sent his sex interest - aka "me" - his photo. It was definitely him. So he has been corresponding with his "mystery woman" about how he wants to meet her at a local hotel, have a drink, and then go to a room and have sex all night. He described in detail what he wanted to do to "her." I'm no prude people, in fact our sex life, when we had one, was amazing and adventurous. I understand men's sex drive because I honestly have a similar sex drive as most men I know.... But, I've put myself through enough punishment ferreting out his deception. I have to admit I felt sickened reading about all the things he was planning on doing to this woman who, as far as he knew, was a stranger to him. I think if he knew it was me all along he'd crap his pants. I don't know, maybe somehow he knew it was me? I doubt it though, he was definitely talking to me as if I was the "someone else." I'm ready to call it quits to the "agreement" and to him. My question to all you good follks is.... how do I do it? Do I confess that it was me all along that he was corresponding with? Do I lie and say I've found someone else, and I no longer want to be bound by our agreement? Do I just say I've lost interest, and say so long (in which case, knowing him, he will hound me for a reason)? Anything else?? Please do NOT tell me to stick it to him and stick it to him good. I'm not out for revenge, I do not wish he would die a horrible death. This is someone that I loved for a long time, and will continue to love in some capacity probably for the rest of my life. But, there is quite obviously no hope for us. I'm not angry, I'm not bitter. I just want out in the least harmful and most loving way possible, under the circumstances. What is the best way to I extricate myself from this mess? If I am fully honest I have to admit that I'm scared to admit it was me. Maybe because I feel like a complete weasel for doing such "detective work." But then, if I hadn't done it, I might have decided to give my heart back to a man who cannot care for it. I also have to admit that I'm having a really hard time processing this whole thing. He is so attentive and "interested" in rebuilding a relationship to my face, but then this... It's hard for me to understand everything right now. Thanks everyone, sorry that was kind of long... Any help is appreciated.
JanieQP Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Originally posted by Guest I'm ready to call it quits to the "agreement" and to him. My question to all you good follks is.... how do I do it? Do I confess that it was me all along that he was corresponding with? Do I lie and say I've found someone else, and I no longer want to be bound by our agreement? Do I just say I've lost interest, and say so long (in which case, knowing him, he will hound me for a reason)? Anything else?? Hi Guest! Just end it. No explanation required, just say that you feel in your stomach that it can't work and you have to honor that feeling. Don't give any other reason, because this opens you up for him to debate you. Don't mention the detective work you did. And don't feel bad about it, either. You knew, you just had to get proof. You did that for yourself, found what you knew you would find, and now you can move on without regret. I highly recommend "no contact" with him. He's not good for you, and you need to be free from him so you'll be available for friends and new acquaintances who =are= good for you. You deserve so much more.
not_myself Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 I had a very similar situation with my recent EX - came across his profile on a dating site while we were trying to sort things out. I knew he had one up from a while ago - but when I came across it - it said 'active within 2 hours' - so busted. I knew another girl on the site and had her 'bait' him and he fell for it - flirting, etc. It wasn't sexual - but still hurt b/c it was so sneaky. The thing was - and I believe this - some guys never have intentions of following through with this stuff. It somehow boosts their pathetic egos and is exciting b/c it is a stranger. While we may think it absurd, men are silly like that. Now, wether your man had actual intentions of following through or not - that is almost besides the point. The question is - do you want to be with someone that gets off on that stuff? Its the same for porn, magazines, etc. I personally find it weak and of bad character The best way to end things - and what I did - Just end it...exit your agreement with no explination of your detective work. But it is kind of fun to make some vague and elusive reference to something concerning it - without revealing yourself - that way you leave him crazy wondering how you knew, if you knew, and what the hell happened. It does hurt and I'm sorry - but just keep in mind how ridiculous a man like that is - and that will help you to move on
miss-gonewest Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Yep, I agree... just end it as simply as possible... The more you stress about how to do it, or the more eloborate a plan you come up with, the more you open yourself up to telling the truth. Don't get me wrong - I'm a total fan of truth telling, but this is a difficult situation. You really need to be straight to the point and end things, and not get involved in big stories and covering your tracks. Just tell him that you feel in your heart he's not right, and you want to move on. You wish him the best and to take care. Honey - at least you know now and at least you found out NOW. You have enough on your plate as it is, so don't beat yourself up about your methods of finding out about him... And don't be READY (or think you are ready), be REAL and be firm. End it and open up to someone that can, and will treat you good.
Guest Posted June 8, 2005 Posted June 8, 2005 Thank you for your responses. Wow, everyone is in agreement here on how to do this! not_myself - I am pretty carefree when it comes to what "gets a person off," lol - so it's not so much "what" gets him off that bothers me... It is the fact that he looked me in the eyes and promised to abide by this agreement - we even shook on it - but it was a lie. It's the fact that he is lying to me that I can't take. You are all right. I think that's what I will do. So I know "what" to do. Honestly, I'm having such a hard time reconciling his behavior to my face, vs his behavior behind my back, that I feel almost stuck in a way. Like, if I could understand why he did this, I could move on more easily. Of course, I know that isn't going to happen. Even if I asked him why, I doubt I would get an answer that would satisfy me. I just can't help but wonder, why would he bother even entertaining the idea of getting back together with me, why would he go through the bother of meeting me, having conversations about us, and making this agreement, if what he really wants is to play around? I just don't get it. It's probably not for me to understand. Ugh. Thank you all. It helps to have people who are outside the situation give me their input.
lilmoma1973 Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 Hey Guest , I think you should play his game and pretend you are a stranger pass yourself off as someone else tell him you want to meet him at a local hotel and disguise yourself then bust his ass make sure you have the lights off and then cut them on and say its over you are a cheater surprize!! he won't know what hit him!! men think women are so stupid wre figure it out eventually!!! Good luck!!
Guest Posted June 10, 2005 Posted June 10, 2005 lilmoma1973, believe me I have thought about doing something like that, lol! I don't think I'd have the nerve, though. But it has crossed my mind, many times!
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