Done after 3 months - Overthinking was right

[leafguy]

Pretty simple question. I tend to always over think things and most recently my gf said she was with her best friend, but wanted to get together for a coffee

before my sports tonight.

 

Rather than think hey, she hasn't seen me much this past week and wants to see me, I end up playing the she hasn't asked me to coffee yet and everytime this has happened in the past it has ended badly. Despite having little to no evidence of anything bad in the relationship other than busy schedules, I always drift to the worst case scenario.

 

I don't usually let it come out, but for anyone else that has that issue, how do you change your trait of thought or calm yourself?

[tasev1]

I am no expert, but some ideas I can share that could be interesting:

 

-learn what train of thought you DO need, and practice using it.

-Oversimplify instead.

-Live in the moment, and react to the situation at hand. Take it at face value.

-STOP yourself when you realize you're overthinking....you might push her away.

-Try some freedom of expression exercises.

[LostOnes05]

You can only deal with situations as they arrive. I am similar to you in that regard, but when I begin to worry, I go do something else. Remember as much love as we have for someone, we can not control their actions. If someone is going to cheat, they will. Only at that point can you make a decision on what to do. It can get nerve racking though, so I completely understand where you are coming from.

[Redhead14]

Pretty simple question. I tend to always over think things and most recently my gf said she was with her best friend, but wanted to get together for a coffee

before my sports tonight.

 

Rather than think hey, she hasn't seen me much this past week and wants to see me, I end up playing the she hasn't asked me to coffee yet and everytime this has happened in the past it has ended badly. Despite having little to no evidence of anything bad in the relationship other than busy schedules, I always drift to the worst case scenario.

 

I don't usually let it come out, but for anyone else that has that issue, how do you change your trait of thought or calm yourself?

 

You go with what you actually know and are aware of . . . nothing bad or negative has happened and you have busy schedules. PERIOD.

 

Resolve yourself to focus on what's actually in front of you, what you actually know. Tell yourself that whatever negative feelings and thoughts you're having are not driven by the present experience you're having. It's likely something from the past that's affecting you. Tell yourself that.

 

Focus on the positives and reflect on the good things you have experienced with her.

[leafguy]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

Red head, you are bang on that it is the past that has me overthinking again. Truth is there really hasnt been anything really different from 4 weeks ago to this week when our schedules changed.

 

Communication has been the same. She slept over last weekend. I tell myself these things and it makes sense, but then the negativity creeps in and takes over. Ie the coffee text last night...was just different and not expecting it. She obviously wants to talk about something but said she would see me tonight. Could it have been that important if it can wait? Just the fact she was with her best friend as well. Why does she want coffee with me when she tells me she was with her best friend?

Negative thought was that she is ending it ans her best friend is her emotional support ans ride home. I have 0 basis for that, but that is the thought that enters.

 

Of course she knows none of this as I dont blow up her phone panicking. It just me stress ing myself out. I have yet to find a way to break the thought patterns.

[d0nnivain]

Honestly you are ahead of the game on this one because at least you recognize what you are doing. The only thing my therapist told me when I did this was to stop, acknowledge my faulty thinking then will myself to stop. It's very hard to actually do but when I have been successful it at least saying to myself stop thinking like that, it has been calming.

[carhill]

I focus on something else and the emotions drain away. IME, the key is accepting the emotions as valid, then moving on. Fighting the content, thoughts or emotions, and dwelling on them, simply perpetuates them. Hence, it's OK to feel that way and think that way and we'll come back to it later.

 

I first learned the concept in a more 'outward' fashion when we were in MC and I learned to 'table' discussions or disagreements if either of us felt the interaction was unproductive, with the agreement to revisit later. I took that external partnership-oriented process and internalized it to manage thoughts and emotions. Sure, it's not perfect but rather one tool in a toolbox of dealing with what life throws at us.

[smudge21]

Some good ideas to focus on here. I too overthink the little things and then turn them into big things, which in turn leads to all that panic and worry, doubt and fear. It's hard not to do it, even when one recognises they're doing it. I think a lot of that, for me anyway, comes from my past; the times I've been hurt, lied to, let down and so the slightest, tiniest little hint that something may be going wrong, I allow it to become more by overthinking. It's annoying.

[leafguy]

Smidge,

 

I know mine comes from my previous relationship as well. My ex made me feel worthless and because I took it for so long. Now my first instinct is to let those thoughts in. Im usually a confident guy every where else but relationships have always been my kryptonite.

 

Carhill,

 

I have not had any discussions yet as I felt this way a few weeks ago which ended up just her being tired. These thoughts are all entirely stemming from her catching me off guard wanting to go for coffee when she was with her friend on a night I dont usually see her or talk to her save for morning and before bed. Honestly nothing more than that

I have no idea what it is she wants to talk about and I cant really pinpoint anything different than normal as far as texting and previous time together has gone.

 

This is why I believe it is entirely in my head and I havent acted out on it. For me it is just how to beat it. I still know she wants to talk bit there is no outlier scenario in which I am prepared to be dumped.

[carhill]

Try, instead of 'beating it', to 'accept it', meaning the thought processes in your mind. Let them wash over you. It's OK.

 

Heh, an hour ago, embroiled in my tax return, I wanted to fly an aircraft into an IRS building. Now I've forgotten all about it and laugh at the absurdity of those thoughts and realize how ridiculous they were. Stuff passes and the emotions flow away like water in the gutter. To me, that's the key thing.

 

If your girlfriend dumps you, she does. It's outside of your control. Same when my exW divorced me. That's how it goes! Life goes on.

[Satu]

Who is it that thinks your thoughts?

 

Who is it that observes you thinking those thoughts?

[thecrucible]

I focus on something else and the emotions drain away. IME, the key is accepting the emotions as valid, then moving on. Fighting the content, thoughts or emotions, and dwelling on them, simply perpetuates them. Hence, it's OK to feel that way and think that way and we'll come back to it later.

 

I like this advice. As I've mentioned in previous threads, I have anxiety which I try to manage in various ways. The first thing that helped me is to accept that if I'm not feeling my best, that's perfectly human and I should be kind to myself. I try everything I can to refocus my mind and distract myself as sitting and mulling over it constantly doesn't do anything to change the outcome. Just knowing it's okay for me to worry has actually reduced my anxiety, oddly enough.

[leafguy]

I know it's ok for me to worry. But I wish I could take solace in that.

 

We have plans for the next few weekends and she has plans to go out of town tomorrow to a friends, so we made plans for tonight. Here it is going on 8 and I have not heard a peep out of her with regards to it. I turned down plans because of this and I somehow think I am going to get the run around.

[carhill]

Ha, ha, also, distraction...

 

I was getting wound up about an election related issue and pondering the image of a Clinton/carhill/Palin sandwich () made me forget all about what I had been wound up about. In fact, I can't even remember what it was now to go back to it later. Tools, man, learn them. This little ditty is another ----- humor. Laugh at yourself. Life is too serious to always take seriously.

[preraph]

By using logic. Unless you've done something egregious, she wouldn't dump you right before a game.

[testmeasure]

I'm going to try to suggest something that I'm not sure I can even do a good job explaining.

 

I over think stuff a lot. When I get the sense it's becoming dysfunctional, I bump my thinking up a level and think about the thinking.

 

I'm going to attempt to provide this answer because I already saw you do it some. You seem to have an awareness that jumping to the worst case scenario has the risk of being a self fulfilling prophecy. That's not a conclusion about the coffee shop, that's a conclusion about your thinking.

 

Bump it up to the next level and think about the thinking more. The worst case scenario is a branch on a larger decision tree. What are the characteristics of this branch? Is it knowable whether you're on the worst case branch? If you were on the worst case branch, is there even anything you can do about it? What are the possibilities and outcomes?

 

If you are on that branch there's probably no way to know till she tells you. If you are on that branch, there's probably nothing you can do anyway. If you jump to considering this branch, there is no practical value you could achieve if you were actually in the worst case scenario and she was about to break up with you. If you jump to considering this branch and you're not on it, there is a risk that your emotional reaction to considering the worst case a possibility could be a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

Move the thinking to the next level, use the thinking itself to realize there's no point in worrying about the worst case scenario.

.

Edited January 30, 2016 by testmeasure

[leafguy]

Well, it appears my overthinking ended up being right this time around.

 

Basically I went over, we sat and she brought it up that she can't give me the time I deserve, that she doesn't have time and that I deserved the world, which she can't currently give. Truth is, she is super busy and just started her career, which I understand to a point

 

The whole time, she was so reluctant to let go. This I could see. Basically she said she wanted time to figure it out, break, yada yada yada.

Anything I asked, it was I don't know, I don't know.

 

I am close with her family, especially her sisters who I know are going to be upset with her as they said I was the first one to really treat her right.

 

I think a lot of this stemmed from her being overwhelmed as opposed to her actually wanting to end it. Could this be a decision she quickly regrets?

She stated numerous times she still cared for me as well.

Edited January 30, 2016 by leafguy

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I don't want to give you false hope. In my experience, people don't break up with someone they have strong feelings for because they are starting a new career, not if they truly value it. They would at the very least have to have some strong doubts about the relationship and how they feel about the other person.

 

From my perspective, the career is just an excuse for the real issue, which is her feelings for you. Caring for someone isn't the same as being in love with them.

 

As painful as that is to hear, it is important that you aware that it is unlikely she will regret her decision. There is always a small chance that she will, but the odds aren't worth waiting around for her.

 

You deserve someone who knows how lucky they are to have you, so I would advise you to keep your options open regardless.

[spriggan2]

What helps me is repeating the phrase "They're just thoughts." Because thoughts are just thoughts and they have no power over your feelings unless you let them. You can just let it pass and move on to the tasks you have at hand. Keep in mind that the worst case scenario is just that: a scenario. It's not any more powerful than any other thought, in fact it has no power or control at all, it's not a reality, nor is the best case scenario, nor is any scenario. They are all intangible scenes in your mind.

 

Don't beat yourself up either for imagining the worst case scenario. It appeared, fine, but don't dwell on it. Let it pass like vapor along with your other thoughts.

Edited January 30, 2016 by spriggan2

[testmeasure]

Was it clearly a breakup? Or did she just want space to figure things out?

 

Because it's the very thing you were worried about are you sure you heard it correctly?

 

If it was clearly presented as a break up, then you have to take it seriously and treat it as if things are over.

 

If she put things in limbo while she thinks about it, that's not a good place to be. I think then the advice would be back off, give her space, let her see what it's like to not have you around and if that's what she really wants or not.

.

[leafguy]

testmeasure,

 

She was adamant she didnt know what she wants and wants space. I definitely plan on doing that. There is no doubt what was said.

 

Took a while to set it but there is that kick to the chest feeling

[Ami1uwant]

I don't want to give you false hope. In my experience, people don't break up with someone they have strong feelings for because they are starting a new career, not if they truly value it. They would at the very least have to have some strong doubts about the relationship and how they feel about the other person.

 

From my perspective, the career is just an excuse for the real issue, which is her feelings for you. Caring for someone isn't the same as being in love with them.

 

As painful as that is to hear, it is important that you aware that it is unlikely she will regret her decision. There is always a small chance that she will, but the odds aren't worth waiting around for her.

 

You deserve someone who knows how lucky they are to have you, so I would advise you to keep your options open regardless.

 

There are times when people do regret it....many times.

 

People mis attribute problems in a relationship to the partner, or if they are overwhelmed they think the relationship must go because they need yo focus on their career.

 

A lot of times with relationships it's about timing. You could have a good relationship but are at different points in your life. You both could be 35..one got married young and had children who are teenagers now, the other wants to start a family. One wants together married soon the other wants to wait 3 yrs.

 

Many times people realize they made mistakes. Many never try to go back and correct them...sometimes it's too late.

 

On the flip side when in a relationship many stsy in a relationship because it's safer than going alone. You could be in a good 2 yr relationship with someone. Someone new comes along...you have instant chemistry....something you are current SO didn't have....you aren't going to jump ship for this new person.

[leafguy]

I don't want to hang onto false hope...I really don't. But she basically said she needed time and space to figure things out.

 

I didn't think a 3 month break up would leave me reeling, but after the dust has settled, I feel like throwing up and can't breathe.

 

I do believe you are right Scarlett, as she is going away to friends this weekend, so I feel it was likely just a way of saying the relationship didn't mean as much to her as it did to me. That being said, I agree with you as well that despite the new career, she would make time if she cared for me that much.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I don't want to hang onto false hope...I really don't. But she basically said she needed time and space to figure things out.

 

I didn't think a 3 month break up would leave me reeling, but after the dust has settled, I feel like throwing up and can't breathe.

 

I do believe you are right Scarlett, as she is going away to friends this weekend, so I feel it was likely just a way of saying the relationship didn't mean as much to her as it did to me. That being said, I agree with you as well that despite the new career, she would make time if she cared for me that much.

 

If this time apart makes her realize how lucky she was to have you, and you are able to reconcile, that would be great. However, I would hate to see you wait around in limbo on the off chance. It will only prolong your pain and frustration, which isn't fair on you. That is why I think it is important to keep your options open.

 

I suspect if the situations had been reversed, you would still make time for her, which show how much you value her. I don't think it is unreasonable to want the same consideration from a girlfriend.

 

I understand that my opinion may not be a popular one, but I can only talk from my own experience and other people's relationships that I have seen fail for similar reasons. Seeing people wasting so much time on false hope is very sad, which is why I felt the need to say something.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. I understand that feeling and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I just want to encourage you not to get trapped in the waiting game.

 

You are free to start dating other people whenever you feel ready. If she changes her mind then if she is lucky you might be single, but if not, too bad. She should have appreciated you more while she had the chance.

[smudge21]

Living in "what if" land only ends up hurting more and more each day. As hard as it is (I believe me, I know that pain) you have to let her go and walk away yourself. She's already making other plans and living her life, so you must do the same, whatever that is. Going out to date would probably not work, anymore than it would work for me right now, as these people are still on our minds and in our hearts, and they will be for a long time. You just got to go do whatever it is makes you happy, takes your mind off things. No matter what it is, do it. Live your life.

 

I stand by the line if they want you, they'd be with you, but I know how hard that is to accept into your life as it means walking away from someone and in the back of your mind (that overthinking thing again) you see it as "well I'm walking away, she's going to think I no longer want her, she's going to let me go", whereas in reality, it is them who are already pushing us away or walking away.. we're just reacting from their actions. Plus, if they don't come back, then at least we know the truth... as hard as that is to accept.

 

Good luck and although I know it sucks right now and you will spend a lot of time thinking all those negative thoughts (what you did wrong, how could I have prevented this), you must make yourself believe you did all you could and you simply cannot change someone's mind or force them to love you as you love them. I know with my current heart breaker, I did all I could to make this work and have no regrets of my actions. I only regret it never worked out between us, but that was all her decision.