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How to tell him he sounds bad without ruining his confidence?

CuriousGirl94

By CuriousGirl94
in General Relationship Discussion

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CuriousGirl94 New Member

CuriousGirl94

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So my boyfriend is into what he calls "MC music" which is basically an MC at a rave talking over the top of a dance track, sometimes making no sense at all, usually high on drugs. sigh.

 

He totally adores these people and the 'music' they do, and fancies himself as an amateur one too, he doesn't take drugs or anything he just loves the music (if you can call it that lol, it's just men talking over a dance track created by someone else)

 

Tthe thing is he sounds really silly. His raps and stuff, bless his heart, they're a little bit silly. A friend of his who has been talking about how he's got a gig at a local club soon and said my boyfriend could go along and perhaps go on stage with him.

 

He's now talking about it non stop saying he can't wait to do it and he can obviously sense my disapproval though I'm trying to mask it. I have no problem with him doing what he wants to do but having heard it myself it really does sound bad. I love him and I would hate for him to embarrass himself, and I know he will. He's mildly autistic and would be mortified if he didn't get the reception he's convinced himself he would get. I don't want to go along and watch the man I love have the mickey taken out of him.

 

He's saying I don't take an interest in his interests and don't believe in him etc.

 

 

What can I say without upsetting him?

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Diplomacy & tact are key. Avoidance will also help

 

 

Point out well sung songs.

 

 

At most just say you don't care for that type of music.

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CuriousGirl94 New Member

CuriousGirl94

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I've told him I don't like the music as its not my kind of thing, and that upsets him because he thinks I should be taking an interest on the basis that he likes it so much. I can tell he's offended by me saying I don't want to go along to this nightclub thing and now I feel so awkward

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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I have no idea. I still haven't figured out a way to tell my 16yo that she can't sing.

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spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

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Are you sure he sounds bad and it's not just that you don't like the genre of music? It could be that others will think he's great. I really can't imagine why people like some of the rap I've heard but they do. Each to his own! It's all part of the fun as well.

 

I can understand your concern that people might make fun of him if they don't like his performance but if his friend is encouraging him to go on stage, then, unless he's a sadist or something, he must think your boyfriend would appeal to the crowd.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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I'd also take some comfort from the fact that this an an amateur night. There are lots of ordinary performances at amateur nights! It's quite possible that it's also a supportive crowd who will be happy for him just getting up and having a go

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CuriousGirl94 New Member

CuriousGirl94

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To be honest I don't think his friend thought he would go for it, I was there when it was brought up and it seemed like one of those fleeting comments and him trying to make my BF feel good and welcome, but my boyfriend has really latched on to it.

 

I have had a listen to some of the stuff he enjoys, and in comparison to the 'pros' he sounds really different and not in a good way. He just doesn't sound right. I don't want to sound mean because when it comes to singing I sound like a strangled cat but then I would want someone to tell me so if I was about to go up on a stage in front of a rowdy crowd of drunk people, not that I would because I know I can't sing lol.

 

He has been giving me the silent treatment for hours now the atmosphere is awful

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CuriousGirl94 New Member

CuriousGirl94

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I'd also take some comfort from the fact that this an an amateur night. There are lots of ordinary performances at amateur nights! It's quite possible that it's also a supportive crowd who will be happy for him just getting up and having a go

 

That's a good point actually.

 

Though he is keen for me to go along with him to watch and if I'm honest that's the part I'm struggling with the most, at the risk of sounding awful (and I would never tell him this) he kinda makes me cringe when he does it :/

Scarlett.O'hara Established Member

Scarlett.O'hara

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I don't think you should try and talk him out of it, even if you think he is going to make a fool of himself. I think it will mean more to him if you support his dreams. It is clearly very important to him.

 

He needs to learn for himself what his capabilities are. If he flops, well at least he tried. However, if he gets a good reception from the crowd, it might be a memory he treasures, who knows?

 

I know it can be instinctive to protect people we care about from getting hurt, but I think in this case you should just support him as best as you can without getting involved.

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bachdude Established Member

bachdude

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OP, underneath all of the talk about love and not wanting to see him make a fool of himself, etc., it feels a tad controlling to me. One sentence in particular stands out to me,

 

 

...and he can obviously sense my disapproval though I'm trying to mask it.

 

 

It sounds to me at least to have parental overtones. This isn't an ethical choice on his part that you would disapprove of because it conflicts with your values. You "disapprove" of him being himself and doing what he enjoys.

TheArtist Established Member

TheArtist

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Oh cripes, my neighbour plays the exact music you're talking about. Lots of cussing and not much melody.

 

Something I recommend is getting him to record himself 'rapping' over a track. When you hear yourself back you really do notice the flaws in what you're doing.

 

When I was first learning to play guitar I thought I sounded fantastic playing along to music, but when it came to recording myself suddenly I was an amateur again. So many fluffed notes!

 

Get him to record himself and listen back to it, and tell him it's a great way of improving. Some of the big artists actually record their own concerts and listen back as a way of seeing how they can become even better, so there's no excuse not to!

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almond Established Member

almond

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Doing what you love is about doing what you love with the people that you love supporting you - it's not about how you look to other people, and it's not about being "good" at it.

 

Getting up on stage will be an amazing experience for him! Dance club crowds are generally quite forgiving - he won't get booed or anything. They'll be dancing their heads off and having a great time, and so will he! Don't ruin that for him, enjoy his happiness alongside him!

 

You're already driving a wedge between yourself and your boyfriend because you are unable to be happy for him. He's doing something he loves...he's creating something that is special to him, and that he is proud of! It's sad that you're unable to support him, and it's even sadder that you're making your disapproval obvious and trying to stop him from doing something he enjoys :(

 

Support him. He wants your approval more than anyone's. You're hurting him more than you can imagine by doing this.

 

Get your priorities straight, and be there for the man who loves you. If you can't do this, then pretend, or at least keep the negativity to yourself.

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loveweary11 Established Member

loveweary11

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This is the one place in a relationship dishonesty has a place.

 

Be supportive and look for *any* tiny quality that doesn't suck and tell him you like that.

 

Do not crush his dreams or be unsupportive, unless it's impacting your finances.

 

A life well lived is a life where you follow your dreams and take chances. He's comfortable doing so. You appear not to be. That's fine. Let him take the risks, but be supportive of him doing so, at least.

 

You are driving a wedge between both of you by standing in the way of his dream.

 

That will breed resentment.

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jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

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I actually agree w/OP here. All the talk about hopes and dreams is great in theory, but in practice there simply are some ppl - most actually - who just aren't good at a thing. So if OP is to be believed, what we have here isn't a fledgling artist who's getting his feet wet on the way to success or even just decent proficiency, we have a guy who sucks at it, who's unaware of that and thinks otherwise, and who's going to flat out publicly embarrass himself. And that's what she doesn't want to happen. That's caring and considerate IMO. (Tho I do think there may be a hint of fear of going down w/the ship too.)

 

btw, the path for ppl who are on the long road to proficiency at their art is to never let the stuff you produce as you're learning ever see the light of day. When you get good, you'll know it.

 

OP, I think some amount of honesty or 'tough love' is in order here. You don't have to say "you suck at this," but you might want to tell him he needs to "hone his craft" for a while or sth like that.

 

Can you link to any recordings of him if they exist? Might allow us to confirm or deny your suspicions. :)

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bachdude Established Member

bachdude

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. That's caring and considerate IMO.

 

No, it's controlling. A guy with a legitimate gig is offering to share the stage with him. It's not her job to protect an adult from himself.

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jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

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No, it's controlling. A guy with a legitimate gig is offering to share the stage with him. It's not her job to protect an adult from himself.

 

Controlling IYO, caring IMO. And she may actually have a moral responsibility to shield this guy from certain hazards if his autism is hampering his ability to discern social risks. Likewise IMO any partner has a stake in their partner's emotional well-being and should protect their psyche by guiding them around trainwrecks whenever possible. Love isn't always entirely friendly.

loveweary11 Established Member

loveweary11

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Love isn't always entirely friendly.

 

Mine is. :D

jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

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Mine is. :D

 

Then you're an enabler. :p

bachdude Established Member

bachdude

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Controlling IYO, caring IMO. And she may actually have a moral responsibility to shield this guy from certain hazards if his autism is hampering his ability to discern social risks. Likewise IMO any partner has a stake in their partner's emotional well-being and should protect their psyche by guiding them around trainwrecks whenever possible. Love isn't always entirely friendly.

 

I do understand what you are saying, and I can agree to a point, but IMO what you describe can become unhealthy quickly. Being someone who bears the burden of having to protect a grown adult from situations as described in the opening post is taking it too far, I think. And besides, her whole reasoning isn't because of any repercussions on herself. It is motivated by her wanting to protect him from himself. It doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic to me for a romantic relationship. It sounds like parent/child dynamic.

 

And my feeling was reinforced when she wrote, "I disapprove". As I mentioned, it has parental or caregiver overtones. Her "disapproval" isn't a good reason for her to get in the way. He is being invited by someone who has a legitimate gig and it should be his choice, not her choice. I say let him be and wish him fun. Life is a learning process.

jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

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I do understand what you are saying, and I can agree to a point, but IMO what you describe can become unhealthy quickly. Being someone who bears the burden of having to protect a grown adult from situations as described in the opening post is taking it too far, I think. And besides, her whole reasoning isn't because of any repercussions on herself. It is motivated by her wanting to protect him from himself. It doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic to me for a romantic relationship. It sounds like parent/child dynamic.

 

And my feeling was reinforced when she wrote, "I disapprove". As I mentioned, it has parental or caregiver overtones. Her "disapproval" isn't a good reason for her to get in the way. He is being invited by someone who has a legitimate gig and it should be his choice, not her choice. I say let him be and wish him fun. Life is a learning process.

 

There may actually be something of a caregiver dynamic here for the OP due to her partner's mild autism. I don't know if you know any autistic ppl but they do face unique challenges with social situations and socialization in general, and they often have trouble perceiving the behavior of others for what it really is.

 

By OP's own account a negative reaction to his performance would be devastating to this guy. Doesn't sound like a venue for him to be risking his self esteem on and practicing ivory tower philosophy theory about personal choice and all that, especially given his vulnerability.

almond Established Member

almond

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By OP's own account a negative reaction to his performance would be devastating to this guy. Doesn't sound like a venue for him to be risking his self esteem on and practicing ivory tower philosophy theory about personal choice and all that, especially given his vulnerability.

 

He's getting a negative reaction already though, from the person that he is closest to and who is supposed to be in his corner. I doubt that's very good for his self esteem. I don't believe it's up to his girlfriend to decide when he's allowed to make his own choices and when he's not - mild autism doesn't mean he needs his girfriend to tell him what kind of music he can make, and whether he can or cannot perform in front of people.

 

Not sure if anyone has been to the kind of clubs that play this sort of music, but I can absolutely guarantee that the crowd will not stop dancing to the beat because this guy's vocals are a bit off! Even if they hate it, he won't know it.

 

He's an adult. Telling him that he shouldn't make music because OP doesn't like it is not in his best interests in my opinion.

Edited by almond
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bachdude Established Member

bachdude

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By OP's own account a negative reaction to his performance would be devastating to this guy. Doesn't sound like a venue for him to be risking his self esteem on and practicing ivory tower philosophy theory about personal choice and all that, especially given his vulnerability.

 

 

It sounds like you and the OP know what's best for him, which is interesting because you have never even met him! I mean, you have absolutely no idea if he has these supposed vulnerabilities.

 

 

I can just as easily say, speaking as a guy, how important it is for us guys to have the support of our significant others when something is really important to us. The last thing we need is to be undermined. That can be worse than the rejection of complete strangers. And I should point out that he has, in fact, verbalized that her support is important to him right now, so I don't have to even guess if that is what he needs. I'm letting him state for himself what he needs.

 

 

Even with his border line autism, he is an adult and deserves to be treated as such and allowed to express himself the way he desires and to make his own decisions regarding what he needs.

  • Like 1
jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

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^ But according to OP, even the guy who offered wasn't really counting on him taking him up on it.

 

By OP's own account a negative reaction to his performance would be devastating to this guy. Doesn't sound like a venue for him to be risking his self esteem on and practicing ivory tower philosophy theory about personal choice and all that, especially given his vulnerability.

 

It sounds like you and the OP know what's best for him, which is interesting because you have never even met him! I mean, you have absolutely no idea if he has these supposed vulnerabilities.

 

:confused: Did you knowingly post the answer to your own question in the part of my post that already answered it? The OP herself, who does in fact know this guy, said he does, and in fact this was even sth attributable to the guy himself. It has nothing to do w/me.

 

The fact is we have different outlooks on this, fine. OP's asking for input, not for you and I to debate what a hypothetical blended mixture of the two of us should do in a fantasy scenario that's never gonna happen. So why don't we just stick to our own separate advice to her and drop the back and forth.

deckard11 Established Member

deckard11

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Brutal honesty is the way to go. If he sucks then tell him.

Leucine Established Member

Leucine

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I've told him I don't like the music as its not my kind of thing, and that upsets him because he thinks I should be taking an interest on the basis that he likes it so much. I can tell he's offended by me saying I don't want to go along to this nightclub thing and now I feel so awkward

 

He has to understand that you're not obliged to take an interest in something simply because he is. You're still allowed to have your own personal likings and hobbies in a relationship, and if he cannot figure that out, you will run into problems with him sooner or later.

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