andie1969 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 If your SO had been contacted by an ex? Or even just someone he/she dated a few times? The reason I'm asking is because I started dating my bf a year ago next month, we dated casually for about 6 weeks, then he got cold feet and kind of retreated. We had no contact for about another 6 weeks during which time I went out with another guy maybe 3 times, but talked/texted a LOT. Long story short, first guy realized how awesome I am and how silly he had been and we've been happily back together since May 2015. The last contact I had with the other guy was back in June, he did send me a text last fall but I ignored it. Yesterday I got an email at work (he did know where I work from before) out of the blue asking how I was, if I want to meet up sometime, etc. I didn't reply, don't know if I will, but my question is, should I tell my boyfriend about it? I'm NOT trying to be secretive by any means, but I also don't want him to just think I'm trying to make him jealous either. We are both in our 40's and this is my first relationship after being with my ex-H for 15 years. Sooo just not sure how everything works these days lol.
d0nnivain Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 I'm your age. Every so often I run into 2 of my EXs. We are in the same professional field & it's unavoidable It's also not something I can plan. I make a point to tell DH I saw them because we usually chat for a few minutes & I don't want it to seem like I'm hiding anything. But I suppose there have been a few times that I saw one of them across a room & didn't mention it. I wouldn't care if somebody DH dated casually reached out because I trust him to keep the boundaries clear. Although it was almost 20 years ago & he hasn't heard from her since I would absolutely want to know if he heard from the woman he was ready to propose to (ring in his pocket) the night she dumped him Before DH I dated a guy who was getting divorced. I didn't need an update every time he had contact with his son's mom. It's a balance & it's about both trust & your own emotional security in the relationship.
Author andie1969 Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 Exactly, I'm not talking about the co-parents of our children, hell unfortunately we have to have contact with them all the time! But this guy is obviously putting out his feelers to see if I'm still interested/available. I guess I would want to know if the situation were reversed and that my bf had made it clear that we are in a relationship. I guess I just don't know how to bring it up.
Miss Peach Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 I've run into guys I've ha a few dates with several times with BF. I just tell him to keep him in the loop. He's been very 'so what' when I mention it but I don't want it to come out later and for him to feel I withheld something from him. I don't tell him about all the random guys who talk to me, type messages on social media, etc. I just ignore those.
smackie9 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Just respond to the email and tell him you have no interest in meeting up, and that you have a BF now and are very happy. That will end it, he will never contact you again. As for telling your BF about it....there is nothing to tell. You handled it, and it really isn't important. I have had exes contact me over the years....I don't go running to my husband to tell him about it or all the times men have hit on me or profess their feelings for me, etc. I really don't see the purpose of that....and I never had anything come back to "haunt" me because I didn't say anything. 2
Maggie4 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 If you're not going to reply, then don't say anything. By telling your bf, you'd make it a bigger deal than it is. It's supposed to be so insignificant, that you forget this email the same day. 1
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 By not replying you are leaving the door open for this guy to write-text you again. Reply to him that you met someone and are happy and are not interested in meeting him. Your boyfriend does not need to know you've rejected an ex. What purpose would that serve? make him jealous? Don't ruin his weekend with this. If ever an ex won't leave you alone and keeps contacting you even though you told them not to, THEN you tell your boyfriend. 2
kendahke Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Exactly, I'm not talking about the co-parents of our children, hell unfortunately we have to have contact with them all the time! But this guy is obviously putting out his feelers to see if I'm still interested/available. I guess I would want to know if the situation were reversed and that my bf had made it clear that we are in a relationship. I guess I just don't know how to bring it up. I think it depends upon the kind of relationship you've got with the guy you are presently with and if you are available to your ex. If I already knew that the relationship I was in was tenuous at best, him not telling me that his ex is putting out feelers to reconnect with him might be one more straw on the camel's straining back. I dont' think I'd see him keeping it from me in a good light. I'd feel he was getting his parachute ready. If our relationship was solid and his feelings for me, as well as his integrity, were clear, then I don't think it would bother me if he kept that from me as I would know he wasn't looking for a way out already. Some guys would want to know. Other guys may not. It depends on the guy you've got and how he feels about such things---and how much you want your relationship with him.
preraph Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 You haven't dated either one of these guys long enough to owe them any explanation. After all, HE is the one who got cold feet. Even if you were exclusive, that's your license to date other guys. If you still feel like dating both of them and haven't made promises to either of them, you could tell both of them you're still dating around. But if you want to stay with the one with cold feet, I doubt he's looking for fidelity anyway (at least coming from his side or he wouldn't have cold feet), so I wouldn't say a word to anyone. If you don't want to go out with the other guy, just tell him you're seeing someone.
Author andie1969 Posted January 30, 2016 Author Posted January 30, 2016 You haven't dated either one of these guys long enough to owe them any explanation. After all, HE is the one who got cold feet. Even if you were exclusive, that's your license to date other guys. If you still feel like dating both of them and haven't made promises to either of them, you could tell both of them you're still dating around. But if you want to stay with the one with cold feet, I doubt he's looking for fidelity anyway (at least coming from his side or he wouldn't have cold feet), so I wouldn't say a word to anyone. If you don't want to go out with the other guy, just tell him you're seeing someone. I've been exclusive and bf/gf with guy one since the end of May 2015. I have no intention of dating the other one again, I was just surprised to get an email for him after all this time.
xcupid Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Tell ex you've moved on and you're now involved with someone. There's nothing to tell your current BF but if you feel you must it's no big deal.
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