katiegrl Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 (edited) How do you even know what he said is true? He must step in and help? What, is he a physician? Exactly what does "stepping in" mean? And why would a relative getting sick mean the end of a relationship with someone? Self-centered and lacking empathy? Why is it unreasonable to expect direct, honest communication? I confess your post frustrates and exasperates me. Fifty years of feminism, and women are still asking if it's ok to speak. Seriously? Always be true to what you want and what you feel. You have the right to want what you want and to express what you want! In a later post, you say, "I'm guessing that's what keeping him so busy, but that's just a guess. I'm totally in the dark on this, and the few times I've asked (delicately) how the situation is progressing, I don't get a response. So, I stopped asking." Listen to yourself. You're guessing. You're in the dark. You ask, and get no response. Please don't forget it's the man who's supposed to be the supplicant, not the woman. And even supposing there really is an illness, the truth is that adversity can bring people together or drive them apart. It's a choice, and it looks like he's made his. Even if he's not playing you, do you really want a man who withdraws emotionally and become unresponsive when something goes wrong? ^^^This!!! Edited January 30, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Robratory Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 My friends have always gotten onto me for developing feelings for the people that I date. I’ve never been one to fall after one or two dates, but I usually do feel something for the person after a month or two. My friends have ALWAYS made me feel bad about it Well, I'm probably not going to advise what Katie advised (sorry, Katie!). First, I'm going to advise you not to have friends who make you feel bad. I mean, if you need to feel bad, have a stranger do it. Second, I'm going to advise you to ask yourself why should you not feel something for someone after a month or two. Why? Sure, believing yourself in love by a second date is a bit much, but there's no reason why you shouldn't feel warmth and affection towards someone you've dated for a month. I mean, if you don't feel that by the time a month rolls by, why even continue dating the guy? 2
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Well, OP could always check her mobile phone detailed bill and see where he was texting her from. If he was indeed 1h5 away taking care of business than his in-coming text should be from a tower over there.
katiegrl Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Well, I'm probably not going to advise what Katie advised (sorry, Katie!). First, I'm going to advise you not to have friends who make you feel bad. I mean, if you need to feel bad, have a stranger do it. Second, I'm going to advise you to ask yourself why should you not feel something for someone after a month or two. Why? Sure, believing yourself in love by a second date is a bit much, but there's no reason why you shouldn't feel warmth and affection towards someone you've dated for a month. I mean, if you don't feel that by the time a month rolls by, why even continue dating the guy? No worries Robratory... I respect your opinion....and everyone's. Perhaps I did not phrase my earlier post correctly, but sure of course it's okay (more than okay) to have feelings. I practically fell in love with my ex the first night I met him! What I meant was try not to have too many expectations. For me....in those early days (first couple of months)....although my feelings can be strong... I still try to maintain a bit of emotional distance and not have too many expectations....cause I realize in those early days, feelings are fluid and can change on a dime.... along with the RL. That's all. This way if he does fade.... I'm not that upset about it....and can move on relatively easily. I had asked LL earlier how often they saw each other in that 1.5 month period and if they were exclusive. That would make a difference I think with respect to expectations, but even then I try not to have too many in those early days for the reasons I just stated.
Robratory Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 But after just a short while dating if a man starts to fade with a explanation that sounds elusive (and not believable) to me.... tells me he feels things are fading between us and cuts off contact....that is a lousy thing to do.... and again, just me, but it would be a dealbreaker. Therefore, I would have no desire to resolve anything him or with any man who treated me this way.... which is why in case like this, I would choose not to speak up. I would just choose to walk away quietly. Again, just me. There's such a thing as "closure." If someone behaves poorly towards you, and you, without any drama or hysterics, tell them they behaved poorly, you will feel better latter. You'll find yourself going over the events less and maybe not even thinking of them again. Why? Because you achieved closure. And the truth is that, while everyone has the right to decide not to continue a relationship, there's no right to mistreat other people. If you want to stop seeing someone, have the balls to tell them. And if you don't, they have every right to call you on the carpet, not to resolve anything but just to establish that it was them who acted wrongly.
Robratory Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 What I meant was try not to have too many expectations. For me....in those early days (first couple of months)....although my feelings can be strong... I still try to maintain a bit of emotional distance and not have too many expectations....cause I realize in those early days, feelings are fluid and can change on a dime.... along with the RL. Ah, ok, that's a very good point. Agreed 100%.
katiegrl Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 (edited) There's such a thing as "closure." If someone behaves poorly towards you, and you, without any drama or hysterics, tell them they behaved poorly, you will feel better latter. You'll find yourself going over the events less and maybe not even thinking of them again. Why? Because you achieved closure. And the truth is that, while everyone has the right to decide not to continue a relationship, there's no right to mistreat other people. If you want to stop seeing someone, have the balls to tell them. And if you don't, they have every right to call you on the carpet, not to resolve anything but just to establish that it was them who acted wrongly. Again respect your opinion, but in those early days, if a man were to fade on me, I get my own closure. I don't need closure from him. Just me. (And see my above post (#54) in response to yours). Perhaps that might explain my feelings better. 100% agree with your second paragraph (bolded) and stated as such in previous posts. Edited January 30, 2016 by katiegrl
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 . And if you don't, they have every right to call you on the carpet, not to resolve anything but just to establish that it was them who acted wrongly. You make me want to give a call to all those men that flaked or faded on me and tell them off lol 2
katiegrl Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 You make me want to give a call to all those men that flaked or faded on me and tell them off lol LOL @ Gaeta tonight! Thanks for the chuckle.... I needed that! Still at work...ugh!! 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted January 30, 2016 Author Posted January 30, 2016 Hey, guys! I'm getting ready to head to a concert, but I wanted to respond to a few things I've read so far. I'm doing this from my phone, so please forgive typos and whatnot. 1. It's possible that he is lying about the whole thing, but I don't think that he is. Early on, he told me the specifics of the diagnosis, the prognosis, the treatment plan, etc. It was all pretty specific, so it seems unlikely that he's making it up. There's no way I can be 100% sure about this unless I saw the person with the illness, but it seems as though he is telling the truth. 2. Someone mentioned that I needed to stop "bugging" him. While I would normally agree with this, consider the following: last Friday, my city was snowed in. We were texting all day and he was very flirtatious. This took me by surprise, because I figured he was still dealing with this issue and had no desire to be flirtatious with anyone. This was the conversation in which he asked me to have patience and that he wanted to see where this relationship would go. Fast forward to this week, and I've heard nothing. I reached out ONCE (not bugging), and he responded 24 hours later with a "Hey! How are you?" I told him I had been well, but I wanted to see how he was holding up. That's when I got the "we're fading apart" message... another 24 hours later. 3. Another expressed frustration at reading my post, as I am "walking on eggshells" for a man who doesn't deserve all of this. Again, while I would normally agree, this is a slightly different situation. It's not the man I'm walking on eggshells with, it's the situation. Actually, both, I guess. If he's telling the truth about the illness, I don't want to seem as though I'm putting the focus on me and my emotions.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted January 30, 2016 Author Posted January 30, 2016 You make me want to give a call to all those men that flaked or faded on me and tell them off lol Gaeta, I've done this before, and it actually does feel good. I've never regretted it. Katiegrl and I are the opposite, and I consider her approach to me more of a "high road" approach. But I am who I am, and if I feel like something fishy/crazy/weird is going on, I want to say something. I once called out an ex for standing me up on my birthday. We had been dating for 5 months. It took months, but he finally agreed to meet up with me in person one day, and I let it all out. He was very apologetic and owned up to being a huge jerk even going into detailed explanations about how his actions hurt me. It was amazing closure for me.
xcupid Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Whatever his circumstances are now it sounds like he doesn't have the time to date you. I wouldn't hold my breath with this one.
katiegrl Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 (edited) 1. It's possible that he is lying about the whole thing, but I don't think that he is. Early on, he told me the specifics of the diagnosis, the prognosis, the treatment plan, etc. It was all pretty specific, so it seems unlikely that he's making it up. There's no way I can be 100% sure about this unless I saw the person with the illness, but it seems as though he is telling the truth. 2. Someone mentioned that I needed to stop "bugging" him. While I would normally agree with this, consider the following: last Friday, my city was snowed in. We were texting all day and he was very flirtatious. This took me by surprise, because I figured he was still dealing with this issue and had no desire to be flirtatious with anyone. This was the conversation in which he asked me to have patience and that he wanted to see where this relationship would go. Fast forward to this week, and I've heard nothing. I reached out ONCE (not bugging), and he responded 24 hours later with a "Hey! How are you?" I told him I had been well, but I wanted to see how he was holding up. That's when I got the "we're fading apart" message... another 24 hours later. Hey LL.... hope you enjoy yourself at the concert tonight!! Re #1 -- fair enough... Re #2- something isn't jiving. Knowing his situation with the sick relative last Friday, it obviously did not prevent him from flirting and texting with you then, he was doing plenty of that. Not to mention sharing with you what was happening. So what changed....and why the sudden need to withdraw because of the same situation and ignore your attempts to reach out? Does not make sense, nor does him telling you to be patient, and then one week later, without any provocation from you, tells you "I think we're fading apart." But it is what it is I guess. As the saying goes, you do YOU...and if it will make you feel better to speak up and say something, then I think you should. Edited January 30, 2016 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Hey LL....have you spoken to him yet? Wondering how it all went down ..... and if you feel better! I am just getting back into dating myself after six years ...your experience could be a learning experience for me should the same thing happen. Let us know! 1
Lorenza Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 I'd say, tell him if you feel that words and feelings are choking you up. Otherwise it might turn into resentment and you'll bring that resentment to your next love interest. We can't always think about being discrete and mind other people's peace of mind - I think it will do him no harm to hear you out, despite all the stress he's going through. However it might harm you way more if you keep it inside. 1
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 I just read this whole thread and it's frustrating me. OP - I have NO idea what is going on with the guy and tbh your oblique way of putting it here doesn't help though I understand your motives for doing that. Anyway since we have to figure it out for ourselves, his ex is sick so he has to take care of his son more. Anyway, I DO feel like you are walking on eggshells and that you are being encouraged to do it on your thread. You have no "right" to have expectations of the guy after 6 weeks, but it's not "weird" or anything for you to have started to develop feelings and hope. I'm not thinking you developed them from a void, it was a 2 way street. Since he felt ok about telling you that you two were fading apart, what is wrong with just saying to him, "I don't want to fade apart, is there something we can do to NOT fade apart?" or something like that. It's not handing yourself over to him on a platter, even though it IS somewhat risky and you might get your feelings hurt more than if you just let this go away. That said, you do need to be very honest with yourself and really look at this. I mean I'm not sure if I would WANT to pursue a relationship with a guy who was hot and cold, or who would tell me some shreds of information and then leave me in the dark about most of it. 3
Robratory Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 You make me want to give a call to all those men that flaked or faded on me and tell them off lol Yeah, you should! Seriously, not allowing people to get away with treating you poorly does wonders for the self!
Author Lovelorn00 Posted February 1, 2016 Author Posted February 1, 2016 So…. I guess “speaking up” was the winner. I took my time and gathered my words, making sure to leave any negative or accusatory words out of it. I’ve been told that I’m pretty negative in my posts here, so I’m trying to become more aware of that, especially considering the delicate nature of the situation. I basically told him that I really like him, but I’m confused and struggling with how to handle the situation. I didn’t know if I should leave him alone and give him space or if it’s okay to reach out. I told him that I was bothered by the “fading apart” comment and the lack of communication. I laid it ALL out there in the most positive way that I could. His response was extremely positive. He told me that he found my emotional honesty very attractive and that he wants to see more of it – to not hold anything back. His comment was said with sarcasm, and he apologized. He said that he was really glad, however, that it sparked a discussion about how I'm feeling. So, I’m going to continue to speak up about my concerns and needs, which will be a new experience for me. While I’ve given a few guys an earful AFTER the breakup, I’ve NEVER been one to assert myself while IN a relationship. Clearly, that’s part of my problem. It feels really good to know that this one appreciates emotional honesty and isn’t afraid to ask for it. However, I will remain cautious and keep a bit of distance still, only because I know that he’s not exactly “emotionally available” to date right now. I’m getting emotional scraps from him, and I know I deserve better than that. Despite his reassuring words, at the end of the day, actions are still actions, and he’s been acting very hot and cold. I plan on discussing this with him more, but for now, it is what it is. Thanks, everyone, for your input!! 3
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