Completely Lost - Speak Up or Shut up?

[losangelena]

Hey, LA! What do I WANT to do in this situation? I really just want to tell him what's up, tell him how I feel. I guess the whole point of my post was to say that I feel bad for actually wanting to express my feelings to him. I feel like someone complaining about a broken finger nail to someone who has ebola or something.

 

Well, I don't think you should feel bad about that. It's not a crime to assert yourself (not that it's always easy).

 

If anything else, I think it would do you a bit of good to realize that your wants, needs and opinions are valid, despite what anyone here may say, and that voicing them is allowed. You're allowed to say what you want, you're allowed to want what you want.

[Lovelorn00]

I don't think that's true. 6 weeks is enough time to develop feelings.

 

If you want to try to continue your relationship with this guy, I don't think there's anything wrong with you making the attempt. That might mean waiting around a bit to see if he comes around, but if you do want that, I think you owe it to yourself and him to be very clear about it.

 

Thanks, LA. We’ve been told our entire lives that communication is key, but I’ve never listened to that advice. As a result, things usually end up worse than they started, because I never had the nerve to speak up. So now, I want to speak up, but it sounds like shutting up is the better plan. I dunno. It’s so confusing.

[katiegrl]

I am so sorry LL.... my post was not meant to make you feel bad or offend you.

 

It's just that the title of your thread is "Speak Up or Shup Up," and my post was my way of telling you to "shup up" and why.

 

In my opinion. Again apologies if I offended

 

Of course you always should do what is right for you...so if you want to express your feelings to him and/or tell him you're there for him if he needs a shoulder, go ahead and do that.

 

Whatever works for you.

 

As always wish you the best...and hope it all works out to your satisfaction.

[Jejangles]

Hey, LA! What do I WANT to do in this situation? I really just want to tell him what's up, tell him how I feel. I guess the whole point of my post was to say that I feel bad for actually wanting to express my feelings to him. I feel like someone complaining about a broken finger nail to someone who has ebola or something.

 

I say tell him. In my experience, a guy who is fading on me doesn't actually mention that he is fading... He just does it! So I would talk to him and say you really like him and are willing to be patient during this crisis, but only if he still has interest. Don't be negative or lay blame, just ask for clarity for what's up from his side. It's unclear to me what the crisis is, but I can imagine if his child is directly affected, then he's pretty consumed with it. Unfortunately a new relationship like yours can easily get swiped to the side during a situation like that.

 

I would only do the above if you have hope that he might step up sooner rather than later. Then you give yourself a timeline for how long you are willing to "wait and see".

 

If you are done and feel the situation is done and won't improve, I suggest leaving the door cracked open via the message Redhead (I think?) suggested. Basically, I'm here when you have time and let's see what happens, but in the meantime I'm done.

 

Limbo and fading is the worst. You'll feel a lot better about this situation with some clarity.

[losangelena]

Thanks, LA. We’ve been told our entire lives that communication is key, but I’ve never listened to that advice. As a result, things usually end up worse than they started, because I never had the nerve to speak up. So now, I want to speak up, but it sounds like shutting up is the better plan. I dunno. It’s so confusing.

 

Oh my god, girl. Say something. Don't leave it up to a bunch of anonymous internet commenters to decide for you. This is YOUR life, not ours.

[Lovelorn00]

I am so sorry LL.... my post was not meant to make you feel bad or offend you.

 

It's just that the title of your thread is "Speak Up or Shup Up," and my post was my way of telling you to "shup up" and why.

 

In my opinion. Again apologies if I offended

 

Of course you always should do what is right for you...so if you want to express your feelings to him and/or tell him you're there for him if he needs a shoulder, go ahead and do that.

 

Whatever works for you.

 

As always wish you the best...and hope it all works out to your satisfaction.

 

Thanks, Katiegrl. I do appreciate all of the advice here. I’m just a little sensitive right now, I guess. This situation has really gotten me down, and I can’t talk to my friends about it (again, they’re all married or in LTRs). My friends have always gotten onto me for developing feelings for the people that I date. I’ve never been one to fall after one or two dates, but I usually do feel something for the person after a month or two. My friends have ALWAYS made me feel bad about it, and then I came to the conclusion that it’s who I am, and it’s actually quite normal to feel a sense of loss in these situations. I don’t want to feel bad about it anymore.

 

You advice, Katiegrl, is often similar to the advice of my best friends. I think that’s why it’s a little tough for me to hear it sometimes. Sorry for my little rant there.

[Lovelorn00]

I say tell him. In my experience, a guy who is fading on me doesn't actually mention that he is fading... He just does it!

Good point. Haha! I think the fact that he was saying it might actually show some concern on his end that it might actually be happening. Or maybe he’s hoping that I agree and end it. I’ll only know what he’s thinking if I ask and speak up about it.

 

So I would talk to him and say you really like him and are willing to be patient during this crisis, but only if he still has interest. Don't be negative or lay blame, just ask for clarity for what's up from his side. It's unclear to me what the crisis is, but I can imagine if his child is directly affected, then he's pretty consumed with it. Unfortunately a new relationship like yours can easily get swiped to the side during a situation like that.

 

I would only do the above if you have hope that he might step up sooner rather than later. Then you give yourself a timeline for how long you are willing to "wait and see".

 

If you are done and feel the situation is done and won't improve, I suggest leaving the door cracked open via the message Redhead (I think?) suggested. Basically, I'm here when you have time and let's see what happens, but in the meantime I'm done.

 

He expressed last week that he was still very interested and thought that we had something “unique” and “worth nurturing” (his words). He also asked that I have patience during this time, and I told him I do and that I would. You’re right, though. I really need to put a personal timeline on it. I’m not actively dating anymore, so by default, I’m kind of just waiting and seeing anyway. But yeah, I don’t intend to wait around forever.

 

Limbo and fading is the worst. You'll feel a lot better about this situation with some clarity.

I agree. Thank you, Jejangles!

[Lovelorn00]

Oh my god, girl. Say something. Don't leave it up to a bunch of anonymous internet commenters to decide for you. This is YOUR life, not ours.

 

Haha! I am, I am. I'm going to speak up tonight.

[katiegrl]

LL.... I just wanted to clarify that I DO believe in speaking up when something is troubling you.... always always.

 

It's just that, for ME personally, my purpose for speaking up is to resolve an issue....so he understands I how I feel going forward in our RL.

 

But after just a short while dating if a man starts to fade with a explanation that sounds elusive (and not believable) to me.... tells me he feels things are fading between us and cuts off contact....that is a lousy thing to do.... and again, just me, but it would be a dealbreaker.

 

Therefore, I would have no desire to resolve anything him or with any man who treated me this way.... which is why in case like this, I would choose not to speak up. I would just choose to walk away quietly. Again, just me.

 

I think it's perfectly fine for a man to take space, I have NO problem with that.

 

However, I am of the opinion he should communicate that with me, in an honest and forthright manner....not just come up with an excuse that his family member is sick (or any other excuse) and leave me in limbo wondering if I am ever gonna hear from him again.

Edited January 29, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

I am also telling you being attached to a man you've been dating 6 weeks is not silly. Your feelings are real and you don't want to be disappointed in him and you are ready to wait for him. I totally understand that.

 

But lets be realistic here. If the man wanted to talk to you he would, if he wanted to spend time with you, he would. No matter if he has to have his child more often with him or he needs to give a hand to someone else.

 

I don't believe in telling a man you've dated 6 weeks 'you're neglecting me'. It will only make you feel bad about yourself. Get busy with something else, if he comes back good, if he doesn't come back good too, your mourning will be half done.

[Lovelorn00]

However, I am of the opinion he should communicate that with me, in an honest and forthright manner....not just come up with an excuse that his family member is sick (or any other excuse) and leave me in limbo wondering if I am ever gonna hear from him again.

 

Preach! I totally agree. I guess the major difference between us is that you're more likely to just walk away with nothing said (which is admirable). I can do that with someone I've only been on a date or two with. It's a lot harder for me to do that with someone I’ve been seeing and developing feelings for. I don’t know why, but I just always feel the need to say something. Usually, I keep it in, and it ends up causing all kinds of problems. This time, I want to take a different route and see where it takes me.

[Lovelorn00]

I am also telling you being attached to a man you've been dating 6 weeks is not silly. Your feelings are real and you don't want to be disappointed in him and you are ready to wait for him. I totally understand that.

 

But lets be realistic here. If the man wanted to talk to you he would, if he wanted to spend time with you, he would. No matter if he has to have his child more often with him or he needs to give a hand to someone else.

 

I don't believe in telling a man you've dated 6 weeks 'you're neglecting me'. It will only make you feel bad about yourself. Get busy with something else, if he comes back good, if he doesn't come back good too, your mourning will be half done.

 

Agreed. My convo with him won't come from a "you're neglecting me" place, but more a response to his comment that "we're fading apart" or whatever. I feel like I should respond to that with how I'm feeling and where I think that statement is coming from. It won't be negative. Just my heartfelt analysis of the situation and how I feel about it. This entire time, I've been very busy with other things, but this has been in the back of mine all the while. I need to let it out while remaining sensitive to his situation.

[katiegrl]

Agreed. My convo with him won't come from a "you're neglecting me" place, but more a response to his comment that "we're fading apart" or whatever. I feel like I should respond to that with how I'm feeling and where I think that statement is coming from. It won't be negative. Just my heartfelt analysis of the situation and how I feel about it. This entire time, I've been very busy with other things, but this has been in the back of mine all the while. I need to let it out while remaining sensitive to his situation.

 

What irks me about all this LL .... is he responds to your asking him how HE is holding up with "I guess WE are fading apart," when the fact is.... the reason why you're fading apart is because HE is the one doing the fading!!

[Gaeta]

What irks me about all this LL .... is he responds to your asking him how HE is holding up with "I guess WE are fading apart," when the fact is.... the reason why you're fading apart is because HE is the one doing the fading!!

 

To me that statement I guess we are fading apart is just his way of making it official you are not connected anymore. It's like him saying : Oh well it was good while it lasted.

[katiegrl]

To me that statement I guess we are fading apart is just his way of making it official you are not connected anymore. It's like him saying : Oh well it was good while it lasted.

 

That is exactly how I interpreted it as well...

 

But by phrasing it as "I guess WE are fading apart," it leaves room for LL to wonder if perhaps SHE is doing something that is causing the disconnect. And that she needs to reach out more or something.

 

When the truth is... HE does not feel connected anymore and IMO he should just say that...instead of attempting to partially blame her.

 

LL has done NOTHING wrong. She's not the one with the excuse and pulling back telling him to be patient, and then cutting contact. HE is.

 

That's what irks me. He's not being honest!!

[kendahke]

Hey, LA! What do I WANT to do in this situation? I really just want to tell him what's up, tell him how I feel. I guess the whole point of my post was to say that I feel bad for actually wanting to express my feelings to him. I feel like someone complaining about a broken finger nail to someone who has ebola or something.

 

Feelings aren't right or wrong--they just are. It's the putting the feelings into action that then makes them right or wrong.

 

A safe way to process these feelings is to pour yourself a glass of wine, sit down with either a pen and notebook or an opened Word document and do some free-association writing. Just let what comes out of your head flow through your fingers and onto the page/screen. Let it all out--everything you feel you need to say to him. This will be a document he will never see. This is for you to get this off your chest, out of your head and out of your psyche. When you're done, burn it or delete it. It will really help you to get the turmoil of feelings over this out so you can be far clearer on how you want to proceed.

 

At such a time, you may decide that at 6 weeks, he's not worth you handing over your self by the bucket.

 

There is a quote that I always read when faced with a "Mr. Sea Polyp" (that's an ocean creature which you can see from a distance, but when you get closer to it, it seems to disappear): "never cross an ocean for someone who will not cross a puddle for you". Like others have said, no one is that busy that they can't take :30 to send you a text on a daily basis.

[katiegrl]

Feelings aren't right or wrong--they just are. It's the putting the feelings into action that then makes them right or wrong.

 

A safe way to process these feelings is to pour yourself a glass of wine, sit down with either a pen and notebook or an opened Word document and do some free-association writing. Just let what comes out of your head flow through your fingers and onto the page/screen. Let it all out--everything you feel you need to say to him. This will be a document he will never see. This is for you to get this off your chest, out of your head and out of your psyche. When you're done, burn it or delete it. It will really help you to get the turmoil of feelings over this out so you can be far clearer on how you want to proceed.

 

At such a time, you may decide that at 6 weeks, he's not worth you handing over your self by the bucket.

 

There is a quote that I always read when faced with a "Mr. Sea Polyp" (that's an ocean creature which you can see from a distance, but when you get closer to it, it seems to disappear): "never cross an ocean for someone who will not cross a puddle for you". Like others have said, no one is that busy that they can't take :30 to send you a text on a daily basis.

 

I find that beneficial as well. I am (especially lately since the demise of my long-term RL) constantly writing emails to myself letting it all out so to speak.... but NOT sending them.

 

It is extremely cathartic...and I always feel much better after doing so.

[preraph]

You need to stop bugging him about this. He has told you the situation. I guess you have never been in a similar situation where you are taking on that much stress and a big burden to help someone, because for some reason you still think what YOU want is more important than him taking care of his personal business. He hasn't said anything that indicates he wants to break up or anything, and you've hardly known each other long enough to even call it a breakup anyway.

 

This is much more important than you. He is probably very overwhelmed and just trying to get through this. While he probably hopes there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will not be mad at him, I doubt it's really all that important to him right now since you haven't been together long at all.

 

The best advice I can give you is NOT to unload and dump your emotions and needs on him when he can't think about that right now. My best advice is when he contacts you, to be upbeat and provide some brief comic relief so that he feels like doing it more often, and not whine and complain and ask when and why. Be a joyful source of escape on the occasions he does reach out. Go out with friends or whatever, be the one place he can call that isn't trying to guilt him or ask too much of him but is just being fun so he wants to come back or keep finding time. Otherwise, this is going to fizzle because he's not going to have time to deal with you being disgruntled.

[kendahke]

He hasn't said anything that indicates he wants to break up or anything,.

 

I'd call saying

“I guess we’re fading apart.”

to be indicative of him not wanting the relationship. Doesn't matter the reason why. At the end of the day, he's no longer putting energy or focus into it. Anything neglected dies.

[katiegrl]

You need to stop bugging him about this. He has told you the situation. I guess you have never been in a similar situation where you are taking on that much stress and a big burden to help someone, because for some reason you still think what YOU want is more important than him taking care of his personal business. He hasn't said anything that indicates he wants to break up or anything, and you've hardly known each other long enough to even call it a breakup anyway.

 

This is much more important than you. He is probably very overwhelmed and just trying to get through this. While he probably hopes there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will not be mad at him, I doubt it's really all that important to him right now since you haven't been together long at all.

 

The best advice I can give you is NOT to unload and dump your emotions and needs on him when he can't think about that right now. My best advice is when he contacts you, to be upbeat and provide some brief comic relief so that he feels like doing it more often, and not whine and complain and ask when and why. Be a joyful source of escape on the occasions he does reach out. Go out with friends or whatever, be the one place he can call that isn't trying to guilt him or ask too much of him but is just being fun so he wants to come back or keep finding time. Otherwise, this is going to fizzle because he's not going to have time to deal with you being disgruntled.

 

It already has fizzled.... without her "bugging him," or burdening him with her emotions.

 

Guess you missed the part wherein he told her "I guess we're fading out," and then gone no contact.... in response to her simply asking him how he's holding up.

[Gaeta]

You need to stop bugging him about this. He has told you the situation. I guess you have never been in a similar situation where you are taking on that much stress and a big burden to help someone, because for some reason you still think what YOU want is more important than him taking care of his personal business.

 

His situation is unclear and rather mysterious. He needs to take his son more often because the child's primary care giver has just learned she has an illness. Not something life threatening. Apparently he needs to give her a hand, I understand that but I doubt he is living there and spoon feeding her!

 

IF He had a child or a parent in chemotherapy I would get it but I fail to understand still what it is that keeps him from replying to a text or making a phone call.

[Gaeta]

His child is the link. He's going to have to assume more responsibility with his child, once this person's treatment begins. From what I can tell, though, there hasn't been a need for him to do that yet. My assumption is that he's been spending more time with family (they live about an hour and half away) trying to figure out a plan. I'm guessing that's what keeping him so busy, but that's just a guess. I'm totally in the dark on this, and the few times I've asked (delicately) how the situation is progressing, I don't get a response. So, I stopped asking.

 

I am re-reading your post. In your original post you said:

 

someone close to his family

 

At first I thought this was someone close to HIM like a parent or even his own child that was sick but no, someone close to the family?? That's getting even more fishy.

 

I think there is indeed someone sick and he may have to get his child with him more often but it's not why he's not contacting you. He is using this as an excuse.

[Robratory]

Met a guy. We hit it off. We begin to really like each other over the course of 1.5 months. Suddenly, someone close to his family is diagnosed with a serious illness and he must step in and help. Obviously, I assume that it’s over

 

I respond again, asking how he’s holding up, and he responds, “I guess we’re fading apart.”

 

I don’t want to seem self-centered/lacking empathy, as I feel like my feelings don’t matter much, compared to his situation.

 

Should I just keep my mouth shut and disappear? Or is it okay for me to speak up and express how I’m feeling? Should I speak up or shut up?

 

How do you even know what he said is true? He must step in and help? What, is he a physician? Exactly what does "stepping in" mean? And why would a relative getting sick mean the end of a relationship with someone?

 

Self-centered and lacking empathy? Why is it unreasonable to expect direct, honest communication?

 

I confess your post frustrates and exasperates me. Fifty years of feminism, and women are still asking if it's ok to speak. Seriously?

 

Always be true to what you want and what you feel. You have the right to want what you want and to express what you want!

 

In a later post, you say, "I'm guessing that's what keeping him so busy, but that's just a guess. I'm totally in the dark on this, and the few times I've asked (delicately) how the situation is progressing, I don't get a response. So, I stopped asking."

 

Listen to yourself. You're guessing. You're in the dark. You ask, and get no response. Please don't forget it's the man who's supposed to be the supplicant, not the woman. And even supposing there really is an illness, the truth is that adversity can bring people together or drive them apart. It's a choice, and it looks like he's made his.

 

Even if he's not playing you, do you really want a man who withdraws emotionally and become unresponsive when something goes wrong?

[katiegrl]

I am re-reading your post. In your original post you said:

 

someone close to his family

 

At first I thought this was someone close to HIM like a parent or even his own child that was sick but no, someone close to the family?? That's getting even more fishy.

 

I think there is indeed someone sick and he may have to get his child with him more often but it's not why he's not contacting you. He is using this as an excuse.

 

I dunno.... I am even doubting that. I mean why so secretive and elusive with her about it? Why not just be straight up and tell her what the hell is going on instead of completely ignoring her delicate attempts to reach out and support him?

 

One of the signs of lying is the withholding of information. The more they reveal, the better chance the recipient has of finding holes in the story....and thus determining that something is jiving.

 

So they give the person just enough to justify disappearing (if that's what he needs) and withholds the rest....leaving the person in the dark and wondering what the hell is going on.

 

If this was, in fact, the truth....he'd be more open with her and sharing with her what's happening. Not ignoring her.

[Robratory]

I am re-reading your post. In your original post you said:

 

someone close to his family

 

At first I thought this was someone close to HIM like a parent or even his own child that was sick but no, someone close to the family?? That's getting even more fishy.

 

I think there is indeed someone sick and he may have to get his child with him more often but it's not why he's not contacting you. He is using this as an excuse.

 

Thank you! I just want to tear my hair out when I hear young women acting all timid and walking on eggshells around men who don't deserve them or any woman.

 

But I shave my head, so... instead, I grab my keyboard and hit myself on the head over and over. It sort of works.