Completely Lost - Speak Up or Shut up?

January 29, 2016

I’ll try to make this as brief as possible.

Met a guy. We hit it off. We begin to really like each other over the course of 1.5 months. Suddenly, someone close to his family is diagnosed with a serious illness and he must step in and help. Obviously, I assume that it’s over, but he assures me that he still wants to explore/develop our relationship, but it’ll just require a bit of patience. So, I back off. Give him space to deal with his situation, while expressing that I’m here whenever he needs me. Communication has definitely waned, but that’s to be expected, considering the circumstances. What little communication we have is usually positive, and he still insists that he’s still interested.

This week, however, I haven’t heard from him at all. I’ve reached out once to see if he was doing okay, and he responded with something brief (but positive) 24 hours later. Last week, he was super flirtatious and communicative. This week, nothing. I respond again, asking how he’s holding up, and he responds, “I guess we’re fading apart.”

Here’s the thing: I understand that he’s going through an incredibly difficult time. When this all happened, I decided it would be best for me to back off and begin that painful, yet oh-so-familiar process of letting go and moving on. However, his reassuring words have kept me hanging on, and I don’t feel that it’s right. I want to express this to him, but I don’t want to seem self-centered/lacking empathy, as I feel like my feelings don’t matter much, compared to his situation. Part of me feels that he’s just having a difficult time processing and dealing with this situation. However, the other part of me is very, very used to guys pulling the slow fade, and I wonder if the current circumstances have very little to do with his behavior, and I just happened to pick the wrong guy to date… again.

Should I just keep my mouth shut and disappear? Or is it okay for me to speak up and express how I’m feeling? Should I speak up or shut up?

January 29, 2016

Hey LL! Nice to see you back.

I think the fact he said "I guess we're fading apart" suggests he's not fading on you, but feels the distance as well. Why don't you let him know you're still interested and would like to talk with him on the phone this week-end if possible? It's tough to keep a connection going when the relationship is so new and you haven't built much of a foundation yet.

But I also think you need to look inside whether this situation is working for you. You had only been dating for a very brief time, and depending on what the health situation is, he may not be available for a while. Are you willing to wait around for him? Or would you rather keep yourself possibly open to him, depending on circumstances, but also date others?

January 29, 2016

What is the event he's dealing with? There is a difference between my mom has terminal cancer and my second aunt died type of thing.

January 29, 2016

At 1.5 months since you know he has a problem / distraction I don't think you can be demanding. However, the next time you talk gently discuss your expectations. The timing may simply be too much for him now.

January 29, 2016

Hey LL! Nice to see you back.

I think the fact he said "I guess we're fading apart" suggests he's not fading on you, but feels the distance as well. Why don't you let him know you're still interested and would like to talk with him on the phone this week-end if possible? It's tough to keep a connection going when the relationship is so new and you haven't built much of a foundation yet.

But I also think you need to look inside whether this situation is working for you. You had only been dating for a very brief time, and depending on what the health situation is, he may not be available for a while. Are you willing to wait around for him? Or would you rather keep yourself possibly open to him, depending on circumstances, but also date others?

Hey, Jejangles! Thank you for the warm welcome back! That's exactly what I want to do. I want to tell him that I can sense the distance as well, but I want him to know that I'm not fading. I just took the "step back" approach, and I think that's the "fading apart" he might be picking up on.

The problem is that I don't know how to process this situation either. I've never dealt with anything like this. Like you said, it's tough to figure these things out when the relationship is so new. I can be there for my close friends during times like these, because I know what they need from me, because I've known them for so long. I don't know what he needs to from me or if he even needs anything from me, if that makes sense. I don't know how to be there for him, but I really want to be, and I'm struggling to find the words to ask him without sound insensitive.

I've also been struggling with whether or not the situation is working for me. I'm not dating anyone else right now, and I don't plan to. I'd like to take a break from dating for a while, so in a way, I'm still kinda open to a relationship with him. Not on purpose, but you know. If he and I are not going to date, I really don't want to put any effort into getting back out on the dating scene.

January 29, 2016

What is the event he's dealing with? There is a difference between my mom has terminal cancer and my second aunt died type of thing.

It's a cancer type of thing, but I don't think it's terminal. This person is scheduled to start treatment soon. I didn't want to go into too much detail, because I swear one of these days, one of these guys that I write about is going to read this forum. Haha! I'll say this, though. He has a small child, and the child is also involved. I should've mentioned that earlier, because that's a pretty big deal.

January 29, 2016

It's a cancer type of thing, but I don't think it's terminal. This person is scheduled to start treatment soon. I didn't want to go into too much detail, because I swear one of these days, one of these guys that I write about is going to read this forum. Haha! I'll say this, though. He has a small child, and the child is also involved. I should've mentioned that earlier, because that's a pretty big deal.

You do like me, you date men that don't speak English lol

So without going into the illness details, how is this preventing him from scheduling time with you?

January 29, 2016

At 1.5 months since you know he has a problem / distraction I don't think you can be demanding. However, the next time you talk gently discuss your expectations. The timing may simply be too much for him now.

Exactly. This is the very definition of "emotionally unavailable right now," but not for personality reasons. I've been trying to step back, move on, let it go, but he insists that he still wants to try at this. Well, up until this week, that is.

I still want to continue my process of stepping back, moving on, and letting it go, but I want to express how I feel. I just hate doing that to a person who's going through something like this. It sounds very, "Hey, what about me over here?" and I'm not that kind of person.

January 29, 2016

You do like me, you date men that don't speak English lol

So without going into the illness details, how is this preventing him from scheduling time with you?

His child is the link. He's going to have to assume more responsibility with his child, once this person's treatment begins. From what I can tell, though, there hasn't been a need for him to do that yet. My assumption is that he's been spending more time with family (they live about an hour and half away) trying to figure out a plan. I'm guessing that's what keeping him so busy, but that's just a guess. I'm totally in the dark on this, and the few times I've asked (delicately) how the situation is progressing, I don't get a response. So, I stopped asking.

January 29, 2016

His child is the link. He's going to have to assume more responsibility with his child, once this person's treatment begins. From what I can tell, though, there hasn't been a need for him to do that yet. My assumption is that he's been spending more time with family (they live about an hour and half away) trying to figure out a plan. I'm guessing that's what keeping him so busy, but that's just a guess. I'm totally in the dark on this, and the few times I've asked (delicately) how the situation is progressing, I don't get a response. So, I stopped asking.

Is this person an ex? Who has custody of his child?

January 29, 2016

It all sounds too secretive to me. So someone who takes care of his son is being diagnosed with a illness that is not life threatening. He has to spend more time being a father and maybe give an extra hand. So l don't see where he cannot answer his text or see you a little. I think another woman is in the picture.

January 29, 2016

I think it's a timing issue. Under these circumstances, I'd speak to him but step all the way back after that.

in your shoes I'd say something along the lines of

I like you & I'd like to see where this could go but you have a lot on your plate right now. I understand that but I need more than you can realistically give me right now. I'

m

trying to do the right thing for everybody here but that has to include me.

So

I'

m

gonna walk away. I wish you & your family the best. I'll say a prayer. When things calm down, seriously give me a call. If I am still free we can revisit this.

You really do have to be true to yourself & his circumstances make it almost impossible for him to start & maintain a relation right now. If you were 1.5 years instead of months in, my answer would be different.

January 29, 2016

It all sounds too secretive to me. So someone who takes care of his son is being diagnosed with a illness that is not life threatening. He has to spend more time being a father and maybe give an extra hand. So l don't see where he cannot answer his text or see you a little. I think another woman is in the picture.

Either that or he's just lost interest and wants to let you down gently.

You have been dating only 1.5 months. Despite a family member being ill, he could still schedule time with you....even if only an hour a week for heaven's sake. And find some time to text or call, even if brief.

My gut tells me this IS the slow fade.... sorry

For me, as soon as I read "I feel like we're fading," that's MY cue to fade permanently.

If this had been a longer, established RL, I would understand your attempts to think more positively and be patient and supportive.

But only 1.5 months? Nah. He's fading out.

My opinion.

January 29, 2016

It all sounds too secretive to me. So someone who takes care of his son is being diagnosed with a illness that is not life threatening. He has to spend more time being a father and maybe give an extra hand. So l don't see where he cannot answer his text or see you a little. I think another woman is in the picture.

I think part of the secrecy is the way that I'm conveying the story. Haha I am super paranoid about someone I know finding this forum and figuring out who I am, so trying to keep some of the details hidden.

But yes, another woman could be a possibility.

January 29, 2016

I think it's a timing issue. Under these circumstances, I'd speak to him but step all the way back after that.

in your shoes I'd say something along the lines of
I like you & I'd like to see where this could go but you have a lot on your plate right now. I understand that but I need more than you can realistically give me right now. I'
m
trying to do the right thing for everybody here but that has to include me.
So
I'
m
gonna walk away. I wish you & your family the best. I'll say a prayer. When things calm down, seriously give me a call. If I am still free we can revisit this.

You really do have to be true to yourself & his circumstances make it almost impossible for him to start & maintain a relation right now. If you were 1.5 years instead of months in, my answer would be different.

Thanks, d0nnivain. I think this is what I was looking for. I just wasn't sure if my feelings "counted" in a situation like this. I wasn't sure if it would be more respectful of me to just bow out without expressing how I felt at all, but you're right. I really do need to be true to myself here.

January 29, 2016

Either that or he's just lost interest and wants to let you down gently.

You have been dating only 1.5 months. Despite a family member being ill, he could still schedule time with you....even if only an hour a week for heaven's sake. And find some time to text or call, even if brief.

My gut tells me this IS the slow fade.... sorry

For me, as soon as I read "I feel like we're fading," that's MY cue to fade permanently.

If this had been a longer, established RL, I would understand your attempts to think more positively and be patient and supportive.

But only 1.5 months? Nah. He's fading out.

My opinion.

Thanks, katiegrl! I think you're right, but at least time I can't really blame myself for it. He's got too much going on right now to be emotionally present for someone else. Fade or no fade, I'm going to go ahead and tell him how I feel.

January 29, 2016

Thanks, katiegrl! I think you're right, but at least time I can't really blame myself for it. He's got too much going on right now to be emotionally present for someone else. Fade or no fade, I'm going to go ahead and tell him how I feel.

I'm wondering though. What are you hoping to accomplish by telling him how you feel? Are you hoping that if he knows how you feel, he'll miraculously become interested again (or "less busy) and want to devote some time to you and the RL?

Or do you mean, tell him how you feel ... and then follow that with you're moving on like D0nnivan suggested?

I hope it's the latter... but if it were me, after only 1.5 months....I would just go ahead and let him fade.

It hasn't happened to me....but from reading this board and listening to friends....when a man starts to fade, there is really nothing you can do but to let him fade. Again, a longer established RL would be different.

But good luck! Keep us posted!!

Edited January 29, 2016 by katiegrl

January 29, 2016

I'm wondering though. What are you hoping to accomplish by telling him how you feel? Are you hoping that if he knows how you feel, he'll miraculously become interested again (or "less busy) and want to devote some time to you and the RL?

Or do you mean, tell him how you feel ... and then follow that with you're moving on like D0nnivan suggested?

I hope it's the latter... but if it were me, after only 1.5 months....I would just go ahead and let him fade.

It hasn't happened to me....but from reading this board and listening to friends....when a man starts to fade, there is really nothing you can do but to let him fade. Again, a longer established RL would be different.

But good luck! Keep us posted!!

Yes, it’s more so the latter. I don’t know if there’s another woman. I don’t know anything. I’m stuck making assumptions and speculating, because I have no idea what’s going on. Me telling him how I feel will be just that. “Hey, I’m picking up on some things, and here’s where I think your “we’re fading” comment is coming from...”

Then end it with an “I’m here if you need a shoulder to cry on” statement and continue my process of moving on. He needs to understand, though – it’s not cool to shamelessly flirt with me one day and then disappear the next, illness or no illness. Someone else’s illness does not give him the license to be an a**hole, and I want to make that clear to him in the most delicate, nicest way possible.

January 29, 2016

Yes, it’s more so the latter. I don’t know if there’s another woman. I don’t know anything. I’m stuck making assumptions and speculating, because I have no idea what’s going on. Me telling him how I feel will be just that. “Hey, I’m picking up on some things, and here’s where I think your “we’re fading” comment is coming from...”

Then end it with an “I’m here if you need a shoulder to cry on” statement and continue my process of moving on. He needs to understand, though – it’s not cool to shamelessly flirt with me one day and then disappear the next, illness or no illness. Someone else’s illness does not give him the license to be an a**hole, and I want to make that clear to him in the most delicate, nicest way possible.

How often did you see each other in that 1.5 month time period? Were you exclusive? Sexually exclusive?

With respect to the bolded...JMO but too much drama.

Plus, don't you think he already knows he's being an a-hole? Or do you want to let him know that YOU know he's an a-hole?

Why so much emotion after only 1.5 months?

Perhaps he changed his mind...or met someone else. Or is just ambivalent for some other reason. Who cares, you've only been dating a short while.... feelings are fluid and anything can happen in those early stages.

JMO again, I don't think him fading has anything to do with this sick family member. As I said, if were interested, he'd be making some time for you, even if an hour a week, and a quick text once in awhile. Sick family member or not.

I also would not recommend saying "I'm here if you need a shoulder to cry on." You don't say that to a man who has lost interest (for whatever reason) and fading... and who you think is an a-hole. Ugh, no.

Just let it go, and going forward ask yourself why you allow yourself to become so emotionally invested in these guys so soon.

That's my $.02 FWIW.

Edited January 29, 2016 by katiegrl

January 29, 2016

I knew I shouldn't have posted this.

January 29, 2016

Lovelorn, there's a lot of negativity in your original post. When his family issues came up, why would you assume it's over? But then he had to reassure you, and you kept asking him how he is and offering to be there for him. This all sounds very one sided. You mentioned more than once that men have faded on you. Try not to relive those things.

It's not a good idea to tell the guy you'll be there for him after only 1.5 months. Probably the family crisis was real, and he intended to resume dating you some time later. But after awhile he got distracted. In these circumstances, the impression you made during those 1.5 months has to stand on its own. The later contacts saying you'd be there for him, don't exactly attract him, because the relationship is too new, you cannot be a shoulder to cry on. You are not that close.

It should be easy to move on because you haven't dated that much. If you tell him it was wrong to keep you hanging on, you come across as a woman who gets too invested too soon. I suggest you simply say nothing, not even a goodbye. Just silence. And go on with your life as if this never happened.

January 29, 2016

Should I just keep my mouth shut and disappear? Or is it okay for me to speak up and express how I’m feeling? Should I speak up or shut up?

What's up, LL? Back again, I see.

I haven't read all the replies, so sorry if someone's already brought this up, but ... what do you WANT to do in this situation? Ideally, in your mind, how does this play out?

January 29, 2016

Lovelorn, there's a lot of negativity in your original post. When his family issues came up, why would you assume it's over? But then he had to reassure you, and you kept asking him how he is and offering to be there for him. This all sounds very one sided. You mentioned more than once that men have faded on you. Try not to relive those things.
It's not a good idea to tell the guy you'll be there for him after only 1.5 months. Probably the family crisis was real, and he intended to resume dating you some time later. But after awhile he got distracted. In these circumstances, the impression you made during those 1.5 months has to stand on its own. The later contacts saying you'd be there for him, don't exactly attract him, because the relationship is too new, you cannot be a shoulder to cry on. You are not that close.
It should be easy to move on because you haven't dated that much. If you tell him it was wrong to keep you hanging on, you come across as a woman who gets too invested too soon. I suggest you simply say nothing, not even a goodbye. Just silence. And go on with your life as if this never happened.

There was a lot of negativity, and I admit that. But I felt as if I was doing the right thing by assuming it was over and beginning my process of moving on. I never asked him to reassure me. He did it on his own by saying (in various ways) that he was still interested.

But I guess my original question is irrelevant. As others have pointed out, it was ridiculous and stupid of me to actually develop feelings for someone so soon. It’s silly of me to actually have feelings about this situation. Guess that’s the lesson I need to learn and move on.

January 29, 2016

But I guess my original question is irrelevant. As others have pointed out, it was ridiculous and stupid of me to actually develop feelings for someone so soon. It’s silly of me to actually have feelings about this situation. Guess that’s the lesson I need to learn and move on.

I don't think that's true. 6 weeks is enough time to develop feelings.

If you want to try to continue your relationship with this guy, I don't think there's anything wrong with you making the attempt. That might mean waiting around a bit to see if he comes around, but if you do want that, I think you owe it to yourself and him to be very clear about it.

January 29, 2016

What's up, LL? Back again, I see.

I haven't read all the replies, so sorry if someone's already brought this up, but ... what do you WANT to do in this situation? Ideally, in your mind, how does this play out?

Hey, LA! What do I WANT to do in this situation? I really just want to tell him what's up, tell him how I feel. I guess the whole point of my post was to say that I feel bad for actually wanting to express my feelings to him. I feel like someone complaining about a broken finger nail to someone who has ebola or something.

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