Need Some Me Time

January 29, 2016

I've been seeing my BF for the last 9 months. I'm a single parent and BF is childless so I've been seeing him 2-4 times per week. I told him when we got more serious that I will still need some me time. Both of us are introverts so he said he understood. I explained he gets half a week or more without me as me time. I don't get the same as I have to be a parent when he's not with me. I need some time outside of both of them to recharge from time to time.

As the holidays came up we started spending more time together. I didn't mind for the short term because we had a lot going on for the holidays to do together. But since it's over I don't want to keep up this pattern. I want 2-4 days per month as kid-free alone time where I can get a massage, go a girls lunch, run errands, etc. This would leave me seeing him still 2-3 days per week so nothing inappropriate IMO.

The concern I have is that BF had an incident recently where he was a little insecure lately. It was the first time I had seen him insecure. There was one activity we went to right by my house that ended late. I suggested that I just head home afterward rather than going to his place per the original plan. I have a roommate who doesn't like unplanned guests and BF is aware of this so I didn't invite him over. This hurt his feelings.

I'm concerned I'll hurt his feelings again if I don't do this just right. But I also don't want to continue like this because it's causing me to let things important to me to slip or not get enough attention.

Any advice about how to approach this with BF so I don't hurt his feelings? I tried bringing this up with some male friends but they thought he would probably feel hurt by this if he was hurt I didn't want to spend one night with him.

January 29, 2016

This is all on him, not you. You have been honest and up front about boundaries and expectations. It's his problem not yours to deal with it. He needs to suck it up and stop being so clingy.

January 29, 2016

I think forewarning makes the difference. Your boyfriend was hurt when you changed plans in the moment, and I can see why. You went from heading home with him (an entire night together) to heading home alone (a short evening together). Not saying you were wrong, but changing plans while they are happening is a sure way to hurt feelings.

So it's totally ok to need your time alone. You just need to inform him ahead of time that you are going to be taking more "me" time. Let him know you love your time together, but you want it to be quality time, and recently you have felt like things are slipping because you are either with the kids or him. So you need around one day a week to do the things you need to do.

You could also soften it by double booking things - so you get a massage earlier in the evening or go on a girl's night, then meet him after and sleep over. A friend of mine does that, she does a great job of balancing her boyfriend along with her need for friend time.

January 29, 2016

I have this same problem. Young(ish) kids in sports means practice almost every night,games on weekends,visitation times,so even my "Me time" is spent doing something with kids or SO. Very little time to myself.

I'm not sure how you can go about telling him. He doesn't have kids,so I'm not sure he'll completely get it.

Not any help,but I feel your pain!

January 29, 2016

I'm not sure how you can go about telling him. He doesn't have kids,so I'm not sure he'll completely get it.

Yeah, I think this is a really big part of the problem. It's hard for a single person to date someone with kids - obviously the kids are top priority, but then that can leave the single person feeling neglected and unloved. My friend dated a guy for a while with kids and a weird custody schedule (one day on, one day off) and it was incredibly difficult. Factor in emergencies that resulted in last minute cancellations and in the end she had to end it because she just couldn't cope.

I'm childless and I definitely would prefer someone without young kids, not because I don't like them, but just because it presents some big challenges.

January 29, 2016

I think forewarning makes the difference. Your boyfriend was hurt when you changed plans in the moment, and I can see why. You went from heading home with him (an entire night together) to heading home alone (a short evening together). Not saying you were wrong, but changing plans while they are happening is a sure way to hurt feelings.

I didn't change the plans at the last minute. The day of the event I told him I was going to stay at my place. The only time he really missed from me was sleep time and I would have woken him up way earlier than he needed to be woken up to get me back home so I could go to work.

His side was more that he was worried it was a bad sign that I didn't want to be with him.

I have this same problem. Young(ish) kids in sports means practice almost every night,games on weekends,visitation times,so even my "Me time" is spent doing something with kids or SO. Very little time to myself.
I'm not sure how you can go about telling him. He doesn't have kids,so I'm not sure he'll completely get it.
Not any help,but I feel your pain!

Yep... you get it. Luckily I have a XH who takes on equal parenting and my kid doesn't like organized activities. So I can keep a pretty reasonable dating schedule as long as I plan things ahead.

I'm an introvert though so I REALLY need some me time here and there.

January 29, 2016

Peach, it seems to me it's not a feelings issue but a security issue, specifically sexual security and his place w/you romantically. He's sensitive to feeling hedged out for whatever reason.

Easy fix (theoretically anyway) - tell him what you need/want going forward while giving him a blowjob. Seriously. (Or right before/after.) What he'll be hurt about w/this is the notion that you're not into him enough anymore to want to protect your time w/him, and that will manifest as fear of a lessening sexual attraction. Having sex w/him while you put up the new terms will reassure him you're not starting a perma-drift that'll ultimately end up w/you leaving and never coming back.

January 29, 2016

He's sensitive to feeling hedged out for whatever reason.

Yes, I believe this is his fear. I don't know why. I have given him ALL my free time the last month and I've invited him to pretty much everything I do socially. Most than he has invited me. He knows I am slow to bring someone in my life this far so if anything I would have thought it would make him more secure.

Never thought about it during sex though. He does like to talk during it a lot. And he already gets lot of BJs. And while I'm skilled in BJs I'm not skilled enough to talk and do them at the same time. j/k

I had read somewhere guys are most receptive to changes right before sex so perhaps that would be a time to bring it up... before we head upstairs for the night type of thing.

January 29, 2016

A "2 birds with one stone" idea comes to mind...

He'd still feel involved in your private time if you made hom watch the kids while you were off getting massages...

Seriously. He would feel close to you and useful to you, while you were able to get away even more often.

January 29, 2016

Easy fix (theoretically anyway) - tell him what you need/want going forward while giving him a blowjob. Seriously. (Or right before/after.) What he'll be hurt about w/this is the notion that you're not into him enough anymore to want to protect your time w/him, and that will manifest as fear of a lessening sexual attraction. Having sex w/him while you put up the new terms will reassure him you're not starting a perma-drift that'll ultimately end up w/you leaving and never coming back.

This works.

Had an ex who I fell for hard too soon after her divorce do this.

F'd the sh#t out of me while saying we were just friends. Totally worked.

January 30, 2016

Sounds like he needs a lot of reassurance about the relationship and how you feel about him. Maybe he needs to get a life so he's not dependent on you so much.

January 30, 2016

Yes, I believe this is his fear. I don't know why. I have given him ALL my free time the last month and I've invited him to pretty much everything I do socially. Most than he has invited me. He knows I am slow to bring someone in my life this far so if anything I would have thought it would make him more secure.

Never thought about it during sex though. He does like to talk during it a lot. And he already gets lot of BJs. And while I'm skilled in BJs I'm not skilled enough to talk and do them at the same time. j/k

I had read somewhere guys are most receptive to changes right before sex so perhaps that would be a time to bring it up... before we head upstairs for the night type of thing.

Those details are flexible, the important thing is just that you don't say you want more you time in a meeting where he gets dismissed afterward. That'll rattle him, but if he gets the news and then gets to have an orgasm w/you smiling up at him, he'll feel all safe and secure.

January 30, 2016

It looks like I won't even be able to have the conversation. He contacted me today that he wanted me to call him so I figured it was something serious. I told him I was out running errands and that I would call in an hour. He told me never mind. It went back and forth like that for awhile. It was obvious he wanted to talk but every time I asked when he wanted to talk he told me never mind. I asked if we were still getting together today and he told me he wasn't sure that he wanted to talk about it.

I called him a few hours later and he was upset I didn't drop everything right away and call him. He was more emotional than I had had ever seen him. He started to get quite upset. I stayed calm the entire time and apologized if my actions made him feel that way and I had no idea. He was also upset that I didn't take some time with him he was available. He doesn't feel I'm doing enough to show progression, that I care, etc. Not sure why because I see him several times per week, invite him to most of the things I do, bring him small gifts, we have sex at least once each time I see him, etc. He wanted to talk in person and tried to get me to come over. I asked when, he told me anytime after X, time so I suggest another time about an hour later. He didn't like I didn't drop everything and come over but eventually agreed to come over in a few hours like I asked.

I'm going to talk to him in person but he's showing a sharp-tongued, insecure side that I am seeing for the first time and it's making me wonder if this is a good match.

One of my previous relationships I spent a long time trying to make the guy feel secure and it never happened. I also don't react well to people being condescending or rude. Some insecurity is triggering for me and not something I do well with. I don't want to paint him with the same brush of my exes but this is very concerning to me and I'm not sure if it's something I want to take on.

I will talk to him but I might need to end it.

January 30, 2016

Peach...bless your heart for still feeling attracted to him after all this. Ugh!

The man's got issues that you can't fix.

Insecurity, neediness, etc....hell his neediness would be too much for ANYONE.

I wish you the best if you choose to stay.....but this man sounds like a complete emotional drain on your psyche and IMO will eventually suck you dry.

What the hell is happening to men? *Some* men anyway. They're turning into clingy, whiny women! Jeez!

January 30, 2016

this where there is a difference between maturity and immaturity. Maturity is being understanding that you can't always have your way....immaturity is thinking only about your own needs.

January 31, 2016

he was rightly frustrated and what he's frustrated about is 9 months in she's lukewarm. she should drop him for a man she isn't lukewarm towards.

There is nothing "lukewarm" about her. She sees him 3 to 4 times a week, juggles being a single parent, has to accommodate a roommate, and is just asking for a few days out of the month to spend time to do something on her own, like sit in a tube and read a book or go shopping with her mother.....seriously is that too much to ask? hell no. If he can't hack it like a big boy he should breakup with her so she can find a real man.

January 31, 2016

I think this is a common problem that introverts experience with extroverts. Extroverts get their feelings hurt when the introvert needs alone time. They don't understand it. Maybe he's not really an introvert. People often mistake shyness, quietness or passiveness for introversion, when that is not what makes a person introverted. What makes a person introverted is their need for alone time.

January 31, 2016

I think the fault is his, as you had already stated this up-front so he should have known what he was in for. I guess perhaps he had tried to convince himself that he was okay with it when he really wasn't, hence the fallout.

That being said, I'm curious what your plans are for a future with any potential bf. Most couples eventually end up living together and/or marrying. How would that work out for you if you absolutely feel that you cannot see a partner more than 2-4 times/week? Or do you never intend to live together/marry until your child is grown? That is definitely a legitimate decision but one that you probably need to be more clear about.

February 1, 2016

There is nothing "lukewarm" about her. She sees him 3 to 4 times a week, juggles being a single parent, has to accommodate a roommate, and is just asking for a few days out of the month to spend time to do something on her own, like sit in a tube and read a book or go shopping with her mother.....seriously is that too much to ask? hell no. If he can't hack it like a big boy he should breakup with her so she can find a real man.

Exactly my thoughts... Thanks!

I think the fault is his, as you had already stated this up-front so he should have known what he was in for. I guess perhaps he had tried to convince himself that he was okay with it when he really wasn't, hence the fallout.

That being said, I'm curious what your plans are for a future with any potential bf. Most couples eventually end up living together and/or marrying. How would that work out for you if you absolutely feel that you cannot see a partner more than 2-4 times/week? Or do you never intend to live together/marry until your child is grown? That is definitely a legitimate decision but one that you probably need to be more clear about.

The issue is I don't want to drag the kid into the picture too much until about a year. 2-4 times per week is all I can manage between work, my parenting time, etc. He's met my kid. They do something together about once per month now - about the same as my kid sees other friends of mine. I'm about the point I would be OK with increasing it to 2-3 times per month. So right now all my kid knows is he's another friend of mine. I figured at a year I would have the BF talk with the kid. The kid knows I date and do things when they are at dad's house but I don't go into a lot of details.

Both of us are open to marriage. I'm open to living together if we will get married (are engaged). Right now we love and see each other as a potential for that but no intent at this time. I don't feel comfortable discussing marriage until about a year. I'm divorced and don't want more kids so I want to go slow. BF doesn't believe in living together until being married. We can discuss that more if and when the topic comes up. I would assume we things got that close we would see more of each other. I also plan on changing living situation when my lease runs out which will make it easier to see each other. Then I can invite him over more for short bursts which will make it easier and less stressful on me.

February 1, 2016

I talked with the BF in person. I wasn't sure whether he was going to be the emotionally wreck or the normal guy so I prepared a plan just in case I needed to leave. But it wound up a respectful discussion. He seemed remorseful of his behavior on the phone and apologized to me several times.

He apparently invited me to a few things and thought I turned him down. The reality is I didn't hear him and my mind was on something I needed to leave and go do. So he thought I rejected him and that I was pulling away. He said normally women just start putting space in a relationship and en leave. He told me he's in love with me and wants to be with me for a long time and didn't like the idea of me pulling out of his life. He had initially given me the benefit of the doubt that it was a misunderstanding but someone got himself worked up since due to his work he wasn't able to see me for a week.

We laid all out complaints out there and discussed them. He said he has no issues with my getting alone time. It was just the thought I rejected him that concerned him. He wanted me to do a few things more because it made him feel like I wanted him. We discussed a few other things. I also told him if he had been like he was on the phone I would have turned around and gone right back home. He listened to all my points and we said we would try to do better. So we'll see if anything changes.

Jen - When we had our make up sex he told me I can tell him anything I want during sex. He volunteered that info. He told me to call him a big jerk if I wanted after the was he acted. So I think you are definitely onto something about delivering bad news during sex.

February 1, 2016

this where there is a difference between maturity and immaturity. Maturity is being understanding that you can't always have your way....immaturity is thinking only about your own needs.

I agree with this. Normally he's always putting my needs first. If he see my drink is empty he gets me more. If I'm cold he puts the heat or fireplace on and gets me a blanket. Stuff like that. I don't have to ask. Normally he's a very giving guy. That was the first time in 9 months I've seen him like that. Normally he is very rational and calm with me.

This has definitely exposed he's not as secure and he has seemed to be. I hope it doesn't become a deal breaker but it will be if he can't get it under control. The difference is I have some of here feelings from time to time but I don't take them out of him. I am able to look at it rationally and see if there's anything there or if it's just a bad moment. If there is something there I aske him to do that for me rather than freak out.

February 1, 2016

What a relief.

On the security thing I have one suggestion - please tell him of he starts failing or you start getting cold feet on that and at least give him an opportunity to try to fix it. Seems like way too often I hear about women who start feeling some disillusion and they kind of make the outcome inevitable by withdrawing, which of course just makes the guy feel more insecure (and why wouldn't it?) and it just turns into a pool of quicksand.

Gotta at least give 'em a chance.

February 1, 2016

What a relief.

On the security thing I have one suggestion - please tell him of he starts failing or you start getting cold feet on that and at least give him an opportunity to try to fix it. Seems like way too often I hear about women who start feeling some disillusion and they kind of make the outcome inevitable by withdrawing, which of course just makes the guy feel more insecure (and why wouldn't it?) and it just turns into a pool of quicksand.

Gotta at least give 'em a chance.

Agreed. I already told him I would talk to him if something is important to me or bothers me.

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