mightycpa Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 I think what it all boils down to is this. If you go snooping and you find no evidence, then you become the bad guy. But if your suspicions are correct, and you find evidence, you're more than justified. In your case, that bull**** about how you invaded her privacy was a cover for her doing wrong. The language that you use to describe it Even though there was cheating on her part, she ultimately turned things around, got upset that I invaded her privacy, and used that as the nail in the coffin to leave me. Obviously, her actions were wrong, and that should be enough to put an end to the relationship, but I still feel guilty for invading her online privacy. is shocking to me. Guilt? Really? Because you had the good sense to catch her lying to you? What if you had opened her purse and saw that she was stealing from you? I just don't see it. You were dealing with a bad actor who was hiding things from you. Of course you've got to look in the hiding places. If you hadn't caught her, she'd have never told you. She would have fed you some bull**** about how she needed space, etc., etc. She never would have said "I'm banging some dude on the side, and I've decided I want him, not you." In reality, she got upset that you caught her. In reality, she left you because you forced her hand. She probably would have left you anyway, but on her own timetable. When you made her look bad, she lost control of the situation and she had to go. That she was able to make you feel guilty for exposing her infidelity tells us that you're not thinking straight quite yet. So keep thinking about it. You'll come around. 2
Author DarkHorizon Posted February 9, 2016 Author Posted February 9, 2016 In reality, she got upset that you caught her. In reality, she left you because you forced her hand. She probably would have left you anyway, but on her own timetable. When you made her look bad, she lost control of the situation and she had to go. That she was able to make you feel guilty for exposing her infidelity tells us that you're not thinking straight quite yet. Yup, clearly she was successful at inflicting some guilt on me, even after doing what she did. Probably because that was her final argument the night she left, who knows. It is possible, though, that my guilt actually comes from my previous actions (verbally abusing her while drunk), and not from spying in her computer. If that's the case, it isn't unjustified. See, we both made serious mistakes, and I need to acknowledge, hold myself accountable, AND regret the ones I am responsible for. This is not for her; it is for myself. It is part of learning and growing, and it is a matter of honesty. As far as her mistakes, that's no longer my business. If she wants to become a better person, one day she will have to face them.
Bfef Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 I was seeing someone for 16 months, my mother died and the girlfriend acted like she didn't care. Looked on her phone and found messages between her and her friends massively taking the piss out of me and my family. Glad I did it, instantly split up with her. She came over afterwards and spent three hours telling me why I was in the wrong. 1
SSJROMANCE Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 Let me get this right. She lies to you, gets caught cheating and she is upset at YOU? LOL. Things didn't feel right with you so you confronted her. She could have voluntarily showed you her private chats to ease your mind but she didn't which is a red flag right there (my wife deleted her's so it wouldn't have mattered if she showed them or not). I think if there was nothing there then I can understand her getting upset. Since there WAS something there you did good because you proved she is a liar. And if you two were to work it out then I think at this stage since she has already broken trust her phone and FB should be an open book. So don't feel bad. You trusted your gut and got out of a bad situation. 1
PegNosePete Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 I think what it all boils down to is this. If you go snooping and you find no evidence, then you become the bad guy. But if your suspicions are correct, and you find evidence, you're more than justified. +1 to this. The end justifies the means. If you had found nothing then she would be justified in being angry at you for invading her privacy. But she was cheating, therefore whatever means you used to discover that, are totally justified. 1
mightycpa Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 Yup, clearly she was successful at inflicting some guilt on me, even after doing what she did. Probably because that was her final argument the night she left, who knows. It is possible, though, that my guilt actually comes from my previous actions (verbally abusing her while drunk), and not from spying in her computer. If that's the case, it isn't unjustified. See, we both made serious mistakes, and I need to acknowledge, hold myself accountable, AND regret the ones I am responsible for. This is not for her; it is for myself. It is part of learning and growing, and it is a matter of honesty. As far as her mistakes, that's no longer my business. If she wants to become a better person, one day she will have to face them.As for her mistakes, don't be so sure they were mistakes. They sound pretty intentional to me. I'll return to this idea in a minute. Guilt generally comes in two forms. You feel bad for causing others harm, and you feel bad for causing yourself harm. The first kind lasts for as long as the others seem to be affected. Once the harm goes away, then there is no need for the guilt. The second kind lasts for as long as your own self is affected. The trouble is that your feelings of sadness for the loss of the girlfriend feed the guilt, and the guilt also feeds the sadness. It is an echo loop that leads to chronic unhappiness, and you wonder why you can't seem to move on. What to do? One of two things has to happen. Either you realize that not being in the relationship is actually better than being in it (with cheating involved, that shouldn't be too hard) or you need to forgive yourself. I know what you're thinking.... you think maybe you drove her to cheat on you. No. You may have driven her out of the relationship, but she chose to cheat on you. You call that a mistake. I say it is an exposition of her values. The real question is how long it's going to take for you to accept that it was her too, not just you, and that's where forgiveness can come from. Whatever your difficulties in the relationship, she committed the act of betrayal. You were just an *******. Aren't we all sometimes? I think that's how you turn the corner. 3
Author DarkHorizon Posted February 9, 2016 Author Posted February 9, 2016 (edited) As for her mistakes, don't be so sure they were mistakes. They sound pretty intentional to me. You are right; maybe "mistakes" wasn't the term I should have used. "Actions" should apply better. The reason I mentioned it is simply because actions have consequences, and if she keeps repeating that behavior in future relationships, she won't find happiness. In order to change that outcome, she would have to stop to analyze her actions, and conclude that they were not appropriate. Guilt generally comes in two forms. You feel bad for causing others harm, and you feel bad for causing yourself harm. The first kind lasts for as long as the others seem to be affected. Once the harm goes away, then there is no need for the guilt. The second kind lasts for as long as your own self is affected. The trouble is that your feelings of sadness for the loss of the girlfriend feed the guilt, and the guilt also feeds the sadness. It is an echo loop that leads to chronic unhappiness, and you wonder why you can't seem to move on. My history of verbal abuse goes back way beyond this four year relationship. I did it to my wife for nineteen years before she passed way with cancer. Obviously there is guilt involved, and it isn't easy to forgive myself for that one. It is also hard to forgive myself for allowing it to happen again. I know what you're thinking.... you think maybe you drove her to cheat on you. No. You may have driven her out of the relationship, but she chose to cheat on you. You call that a mistake. I say it is an exposition of her values. The real question is how long it's going to take for you to accept that it was her too, not just you, and that's where forgiveness can come from. Actually, no. I do not think for a second that I drove her to cheat on me. I do believe I drove her out of the relationship - to a point. There were several other factors to account for (age difference, emotional immaturity, growing in different paths, etc.) But absolutely, her true values were really exposed through her actions and the way she decided to deal with the situation. This thread is definitely helping me, mightycpa. I really appreciate. Edited February 9, 2016 by DarkHorizon
Simon Phoenix Posted February 9, 2016 Posted February 9, 2016 Cheating is worse than snooping, but I also think snooping is a pretty crappy thing to do. I guess it saved you time in this situation, but there are certain things that should be yours and yours only. I tend to agree with the notion that if you're in a place where you are tempted or even feel justified to snoop, then your relationship is about done. I personally choose to trust people until they give me reason not to. If I discover wrongdoing randomly, that's fine, but I'd be more willing to just cut bait than to hack cell phones/emails/whatever. Doing that takes me to a place I don't want to go and where I don't want others to go with me. 2
Friskyone4u Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 Read some of this . Don't have to read the rest . It's a personal choice just like cheating is. Never ceases to me how many guys get this guilt complex even after catching them red handed .'if you find it is a better option to get crapped on for months and maybe years than you don't do it. The old saying trust your gut is what you do. If there are enough red flags to post on a forum like this than stay ignorant at your own risk. OP, and her respOnse was predictable . She is pissed at you for catching her . You're a bad boy for spoiling her party . The fact that she was banging other men behind your back was totally ok with her . You dodged a bullet
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 It happened to me. My girlfriend was spending a lot of time talking to a "friend" online. I asked her about it, she said "they were just friends". Something didn't sound quite right. I wanted to accept, but I couldn't. One day, I checked her Facebook account, and read their conversations. Clearly, they weren't just friends. Even though there was cheating on her part, she ultimately turned things around, got upset that I invaded her privacy, and used that as the nail in the coffin to leave me. Obviously, her actions were wrong, and that should be enough to put an end to the relationship, but I still feel guilty for invading her online privacy. Thoughts? Not only about my situation, but in the general idea of checking your partner's private communications in order to find out something they are either not telling you or lying about it. To what point the means justify the end, in these situations? I can't imagine getting truly helpful and sound-minded responses to this sort of a thing. For the entire response (and subsequent judgment) is predicated, only in hindsight, on whether the invaded person was in turn guilty of misdoings. The general idea would be most ideal were it a guide looking only forward from a position of being unsure of what to do. The replies likely to come your way here will largely relate to situations where having and using hindsight was the key to everything.
Blackmoon2k4 Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Here is my story about snooping which lead to a break up. My brother and I are very close and chat online everyday about everything and anything. After a few days of not hearing from my girlfriend of 3 and half years, I get a message from her saying I left my mail logged in at her place and she read through 4 months of my private conversations. She said she needed space and time and that I must not try see her or contact her. I have no idea what she read, I've never cheated on her nor I have I ever gone out of my way to be mean about her. I can only assume she read things out of context or picked up a time I vented to my brother about a fight we may have had (speculating here) would never really know cause she blocked me from everything and refused to even attempted to resolve the issues we had... its rich cause I caught her a few times messaging other guys...
erklat Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 Absolutely no snooping allowed regardless of reason. You either take action right then and there or you don't, it's that simple. You were bothered by texting, so that was the reason that should have provoked your action. Content of their messages is not circumstantial here. It's difficult to find someone who you can easily communicate with and that doesn't necessarily have to be your spouse.
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