JB_Stuart Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 I'm in a relationship with this girl... It's kind of a long distance relationship, but not quite - we live in two different cities in the same country and it takes about two hours to get from one to the other so we can see each other every other weekend or so... plus we skype everyday. I was dumped three times in one month in my previous relationship (yes I was stupid enough to give her three chances) and since that was my first relationship I was meaning to take seriously in about three years I have to admit, it pretty much broke me and even though I'm over that girl, I can't seem to get over this experience. About a month ago I started dating this girl I was in love with for about a year and it turned out she's been feeling the same way for almost the same time so that's great. But I can't get rid of thinking about what went wrong in my previous relationship. Don't get me wrong - I have absolutely no feelings for my ex and I love my girlfriend with all my heart but I am constantly worried that she's gonna dump me too, that I'm not good enough for her, that I'm gonna screw up something, that one day she'll wake up and realize she doesn't love me anymore... I thought this feeling will slowly fade as our relationship will continue but it only got so bad that I'm seeing psychologist every week and I have to go to psychiatrist every month. I love my girlfriend and I'd do anything to make her happy or to help her whenever she need it. I'm trying to be the best boyfriend I can and it's driving me crazy because it almost feels like I'm only making things worse. I overthink every step I take... at first it was just regular things like whether I should buy her flowers or a teddy bear, but now I think about every single detail like which emoticon should I use in which message or how many of them can I use in one message so it's not too much or too little, etc. I suffer from anxiety and depression about this stuff every single day. It makes me worried even when I text her and she reply without using a single emoticon. I know it's nothing to actually worry about but I can't convince my brain about it... Does anyone have the similar problem? What should I do? Every advice is highly appreciated
Renae Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 I do this too. All the time. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage, and it really messed with my head. Now I question everything I do. I found some things that help though. I remind myself that within reason nothing I do can really make him feel or do anything. I mean obviously if I stopped calling him, I can't expect him to be interested in me still. Using one too many emoticons isn't going to make her suddenly not interested in you anymore. I can't make him feel or think anything. I remind my self that Overthinking everything creates problems that aren't even there, and then can cause problems. Sometimes I catch myself focusing on all my negative thoughts that I freak myself out. I start questioning if he is interested in me anymore. I create all these sceneries that are just in my head and that makes me respond differently to him. So I am creating problems in my relationship because I am overthinking trying to avoid problems. I remind myself that I have to just do me. That I am who I am and if that meshes with him than perfect. I can't be someone I am not. I mean you can be but sooner or later you can't keep the facade going. It is silly to debate if I am good enough, or funny enough, or organized enough for him because that isn't being true to me. The right one will like me for my good qualities, and my shortcomings, but either way it will be the real me. And last I remind myself that I have survived alot. That if the relationship doesn't work out I really will be okay. Sure it will suck, and I will be upset but I will really be okay. And no amount of overthinking, quesioning, or small things like a bear or flowers will make or break a relationship.
smudge21 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Yeah, another one here who does this. It's what has stopped me from entertaining any relationships for over 4 years. Even now, when all I have is someone I'm interested in and taking things slow, I over think every single day... If she goes quiet, I just think "yep, this is it, she's going to..." whatever. As much as I know she is nothing like my ex (or that any recent girl is like my ex) I can't stop myself expecting the worse. I wish I knew the cure. I just keep reminding myself that the past is the past and try to stop overthinking, but it's not easy. At least recognizing that I'm doing this is a start as it allows me to think clearly about what I'm actually doing. If you believe it really is controlling your life, then you do need to speak to someone who can help professionally.
iphone_user1 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 I live my relationships thinking that someday I could be dumped... Anytime. It's like a tactic to be ready for the worse, I just live with it, being aware of it. Just try not to look too deep in it. Just live with the idea that sh*t happens, and that it won't always be your fault.
DivorcedDad123 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Try setting aside a portion of your day to do your "thinking". Only allow yourself this set time to think about things that are bothering you or things you need to get done. It can be 15 minutes,an hour,whatever time you think you need. Morning,noon, or evening,whenever you have the most free time available,schedule an every day appointment with yourself. This will help you work out things in your head and give you a chance to relax and recharge. If you don't solve all of the worlds problems in that time, then come back to it the next day, but once your time is up, go on with living life and "doing" and know that it can wait for another day. This way you're not overthinking every step of the way,all day. You have a set time to "think" and the rest is living life. Works wonders on anxiety.
loveflower Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 “If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.” ― Lao Tzu
d0nnivain Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Assuming you are under medical care for your anxiety & depression, talk to your therapist about your worries You can use more positive self talk to help you. Remind yourself that your present GF is not your Ex-GF. Because they are different people they will not do the same things. Also while it's fine to give someone a 2nd chance, more than one chance only hurts you, as you have learned the hard way.
BluEyeL Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 I think most of us are affected by previous negative experiences to some degree. My anxiety is not high but sometimes it's here when it shouldn't be. I read this the other day and I thought it is a good article about this, it may help you: Overcoming Insecurity in Relationships
basil67 Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 All of our relationships can end. I'm not saying that they WILL end, but it can and does happen to even the longest married couples. When it comes to dating, statistically, it will end. This being the way it is, I think that dealing with it is about accepting that it could happen and then working on our resilience. It's about getting to the point of knowing that even if it does happen, we will recover and become whole again. Here's my thought train: I love my partner with all my heart. If we ended, I'd be devastated. I'm a carer, so I would also struggle to find another partner. But after a time, I'd be OK. That's where the peace comes from.
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