problemhere Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Hi all. My boyfriend does ji jitsu and there's a few girls in his class which is fine but my boyfriend told me a couple of months ago about a new girl there who acts a bit inappropriate and how he felt uncomfortable training with her, apparantly she doesn't take the class too seriously and just spends the whole session flirting with all the guys there. Anyway she invited my boyfriend out for drinks after practise along with some other guys from the class and i felt uncomfortable with it so i tagged along and after meeting her i'm suspicious of her. She was friendly towards me and seemed nice enough (after she finally stopped bragging about appearing on a trashy reality tv show 5 years ago) but she was heavily flirting with the other guys and i suspect that she would have been the acting the same way towards my boyfriend if i wasn't there. I now feel really uncomfortable with my boyfriend staying in contact with her but he has to see her every week for ji jitsu and i know that sometimes he will have to roll around with her and it makes me feel sick considering how even my boyfriend admitted that she acts inappropriately. Am i supposed to just get over this because obviously i would never try telling my boyfriend to stop taking the class. I don't know what to do.
PegNosePete Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Yes, you are supposed to get over it. I used to do jujitsu and I can say that I never had a single inappropriate thought when I was on the floor having my arm bent out of shape or trying to subdue an "attacker". All my thoughts were either "OW that hurts", or "am I doing that right?". Let me ask you something. Do you trust your boyfriend? If so, then how is her inappropriate flirting going to cause a problem? If you trust him then you know he will say NO to anything she tries, right? If you think she has a chance of "stealing" him or talking him into doing something wrong, then the problem is not her, it's him. Don't think about her. Think about him, and how he reacts to her behaviour. He can't change or control her behaviour, but he is fully in control of his own. 9
RySant Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Well, the only thing you should consider is how trustworthy your Boyfriend is. No matter how this girl acts inappropriately to him, if he don't respond, nothing will happen. Talk to your boyfriend about this. He opened this up to you so it's a good start to trust him on it. Express you discomfort without saying that he stop attending this class but emphasize that you trust him so much.
Author problemhere Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 @Pete - The difference is that you went to class to learn. This girl goes to class to press herself against and tease all the guys, even my boyfriend knows this. I do trust him, i just feel extremely uncomfortable that an attractive girl is basically doing foreplay with my boyfriend during class. I'm not worried about her stealing him.
PegNosePete Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 @Pete - The difference is that you went to class to learn. Yes and so did your BF, right? So there is no difference. You seriously need to stop caring about her, and focus on your BF. I'm not worried about her stealing him. Then what are you worried about exactly? If you trust him then there's nothing to worry about. He will always tell her "no", and he will not do anything inappropriate, including partaking in "foreplay". If she does the techniques wrong (pressing or whatever) then she will no doubt find herself in a painful arm lock, or getting a good telling off from the instructor. I'll say again. This girl's actions are not under your BF's control. The only thing he can control, is his response to her actions. As long as he is responding appropriately, the only problem you have is in your head. 1
Author problemhere Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 I'm just taking my boyfriends word about her pressing against all the guys. If she was put in an arm lock then it hasn't stopped her from going to class. The instructor put a pic on his facebook account doing a handstand thing on a rope dedicating it to her (don't ask lol) so the instructor wouldn't say anything to her. I think most girls would feel uncomfortable in my position.
kendahke Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 (edited) Yes. You need to get over it. Or pay for him to take classes somewhere else. But if she's paid to take the class and he's paid to take class, then yeah, you need to get over it. From what you've said, your boyfriend is turned off by her behavior, so there is nothing to fear from him. However, you seem to be pissed that any of the guys in the class flirt with her and she flirts with them. You can't control any of them--they're going to do what they want to do despite how you feel about it. If it bothers you that much, don't go around her. Your boyfriend seem smart enough to know not to join her for drinks after class. Leave it at that or else you become the problem and not her. Edited January 29, 2016 by kendahke
kendahke Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 I'm just taking my boyfriends word about her pressing against all the guys. If she was put in an arm lock then it hasn't stopped her from going to class. The instructor put a pic on his facebook account doing a handstand thing on a rope dedicating it to her (don't ask lol) so the instructor wouldn't say anything to her. I think most girls would feel uncomfortable in my position. But your concern isn't all the other guys. You are intimidated by her out-going nature. That's all.
PegNosePete Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 If she was put in an arm lock then it hasn't stopped her from going to class. Er, of course. That is the whole point of jujitsu. You will get put in arm locks, leg locks, knee locks, finger locks and all kinds of locks you never even heard of, many times in every class. What I'm saying is that if she's doing the techniques wrong (ie. pressing on guys instead), then she will be put into a painful position because the other person will easily be able to overpower her. It will be totally obvious that she's doing it wrong. The instructor put a pic on his facebook account doing a handstand thing on a rope dedicating it to her (don't ask lol) so the instructor wouldn't say anything to her. The instructor is meant to teach. If she is doing the techniques wrong (ie. pressing on guys instead) then he should be telling/showing her how to do them correctly. If he is letting her get away with doing them wrong then he is a bad teacher.
CTRL C Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 (edited) @Pete - The difference is that you went to class to learn. This girl goes to class to press herself against and tease all the guys, even my boyfriend knows this. I do trust him, i just feel extremely uncomfortable that an attractive girl is basically doing foreplay with my boyfriend during class. I'm not worried about her stealing him. She can't steal someone who has no interest in going anywhere. If she makes him uncomfortable, he probably avoids rolling with her anyways. And if she's actually groping him then that is grounds to stop rolling and say "that's NOT okay"... which I hope he'd have the sense to do. But otherwise, her being distracted will, if anything, come back to bite her with painful submissions and getting labeled the gym "get around girl." Honestly, especially if they're only white or maybe blue belts, she probably won't last long there anyways. Either the instructor gets tired of her sand bagging or she decides the male attention isn't worth getting beat up on. Either way, it's up to your bf, not her. She can try whatever tricks she wants but he'll still shut her down... Be confident in the strength of your relationship. She is no threat to you. (I say this as a fellow female affiliated with a BJJ/MMA gym, so I know where you're coming from.) Edited January 29, 2016 by CTRL C
TheArtist Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 The fact that she's been on a reality tv show tells me there's a good chance she's pretty shallow. Why not talk to your boyfriend and get him to really work her hard in the class? Lifting, running, whatever goes on in training, get him to double it. That should get her to focus a little more on the class and less on the men.
PegNosePete Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Why not talk to your boyfriend and get him to really work her hard in the class? Absolutely. If someone were acting inappropriately in my jujitsu class, I would make sure they never want to partner up with me again. It's very easy in jujitsu. In fact most people are too soft; if you're learning self defense you need to learn to defend yourself against someone who is really attacking you! Not someone pretending! 1
Methodical Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 I'm with the others, your bf told you there is a girl in his class acting inappropriately, which tells me two things. First, he's honest and feels comfortable sharing details with you. That leads to my second thought, that he doesn't have a lot of respect for her. She flirts with a few guys (not just him) so she has not selectively set out to sink her claws in him. She likes attention, otherwise, she wouldn't feel the need to brag about having been on a reality tv show five years ago. Then again, maybe she's a very outgoing, touchy, feely, flirty person and doesn't realize her actions are perceived as inappropriate. I'm sure many guys have eaten up that kind of attention in the past, which in turn fuels her current behavior.
Author problemhere Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 @kendahke - I couldn't care less what she gets up to with the other guys or how outgoing she is, but i have a problem when i know that she is going to class purposely to rub herself against guys that include my boyfriend. @pete - Haha yes i know that's the point but she's been at the class maybe a couple of months and she is still there so nobody seems to be correcting her behaviour. @CTRL C - I'm glad that you understand the situation. My boyfriend told me that he doesn't always get to decide who he does and doesn't roll with. She hasn't gone as far as actually groping him. I was hoping she would leave but she's still there so she may find that the attention is worth it. @theartist- That is very good advice which i will mention to my boyfriend!
Timshel Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 (edited) Has he ever done something to break your trust or is this entirely about your own insecurity? A person can't 'steal' your SO away from you, they just can't. Your bf could at some time become attracted to and even cheat/leave you for someone else. That is a possibility for every person in a relationship. The only thing that anyone can take responsibility for is to remain present and engaged with their partner. There isn't anything beyond that you can do to control or predict someone's actions or behavior. Trusting another person is never about being sure of what they will do. It is about trusting your self....that no matter what, you will do what is best for your self and the relationship. It is knowing you are competent to choose and invest in a person who values and respects you. If it becomes apparent to you through your bf's actions that he is no longer someone you feel safe to invest in, then you walk. That's all you have and it's the best any person can ever have. Worrying over every woman who flirts with your bf will make you miserable and eventually will do exactly what you do not want...drive a wedge between you. Try to learn how to trust your self, it takes effort but it's the only true confidence/peace that you can achieve. Edited January 29, 2016 by Timshel 5
CTRL C Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 @kendahke - I couldn't care less what she gets up to with the other guys or how outgoing she is, but i have a problem when i know that she is going to class purposely to rub herself against guys that include my boyfriend. @pete - Haha yes i know that's the point but she's been at the class maybe a couple of months and she is still there so nobody seems to be correcting her behaviour. @CTRL C - I'm glad that you understand the situation. My boyfriend told me that he doesn't always get to decide who he does and doesn't roll with. She hasn't gone as far as actually groping him. I was hoping she would leave but she's still there so she may find that the attention is worth it. @theartist- That is very good advice which i will mention to my boyfriend! No he doesn't get to choose all the time but we all do our best to avoid situations we don't like, yknow? I like Artist's suggestion - he can go hard with her and teach her to really dislike rolling with him (knee on belly is a particularly disliked position to be under lol). He can also call her out for the obvious stuff, just like guys will call each other out for being stupid and risking injury to each other while rolling. Again, be proud of your bf for feeling secure enough with you to share this. It should make you feel even stronger. This chick isn't worth a bit of your time.
Author problemhere Posted January 29, 2016 Author Posted January 29, 2016 @Timshel - He has never done anything to break my trust and I don't think he ever would because I trust him. This isn't a simple case of a bit of harmless flirting, my boyfriend has to roll around on the floor with this girl.
preraph Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Look, the fact he said she acts inappropriately is like him saying "She scares me and I don't like it." He also knows she does that with other guys, so he's probably only a little flattered. Sometime there will be a flirty person after your bf or gf, but what counts is if they are open about it, and it seems like he was. Don't trust her AT ALL, but trust him. Because he seems to see it for what it is. Keep going around and being present from time to time just to keep sending her the message. Then if it's obvious to everyone there that he's taken and she is shamelessly flirting, maybe they will even let her know she's acting the fool.
Timshel Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 @Timshel - He has never done anything to break my trust and I don't think he ever would because I trust him. This isn't a simple case of a bit of harmless flirting, my boyfriend has to roll around on the floor with this girl. Ok, I get that and I understand why this bothers you. You also had the unfortunate experience of witnessing this chick in action and you can't get it out of your head. This is the relationship stuff that puts fuzz on your chest (so to speak .) Whether you marry this guy or break up in a month....you have to get to a place of comfort in yourself about jealousy. There will always be someone, some flirt, some attractive coworker or neighbor....whatever. What you want is to know, somehow, that your bf won't hurt you. There is no way he can do that and there is no way that you won't ever be hurt. Not necessarily by him, just life. You can always be ok though. Maintain your friendships, hobbies and career. Take time to take care of yourself. Keep communication open with him that you feel weird about this but at the same time do not allow yourself to obsess and therefore destroy your relationship. Girl, if you do that she has already won. Don't you dare let any woman take the joy and fun with your man away. Let it be. 5
kendahke Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 @kendahke - I couldn't care less what she gets up to with the other guys or how outgoing she is, Clearly you do. If it didn't bother you why even mention what the instructor did? He's not your concern. It's your boyfriend's place to put her in her place when she act inappropriately with him. From what you've written, he seems to put distance between himself and her. Problem's been solved. The rest of it is you being intimidated or allowing yourself to be diminished by her because she plays with the other guys. If they want to play with her, that's out of your sphere of control. They can if they want to. 2
Author problemhere Posted January 30, 2016 Author Posted January 30, 2016 Kendahke I honestly couldn't care less. I mentioned what the instructor did because i was responding to post#5 that said she will get a telling off from the instructor if she carries on acting inappropriately, when in fact in seems like the instructor has taken a liking to her so that would never happen. There is no distance between her and my boyfriend when they are rolling around on the mat together so the problem has not been solved. He can be rough towards her on the mat when but sometimes they just practise positions and stuff so he can't always do that.
IronZ Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 I can imagine it right now, this one girl with 5 different guys crowded around her at the bar while she tells trashy stories and they all laugh like hyenas and try to buy her drinks. She's an attentionwhore. Craves the attention of men. If you trust your BF not to be one of these guys that's going to show her attention, then he should be alright. She'll get bored and move on to the next guy validating her sex appeal.
kendahke Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 There is no distance between her and my boyfriend when they are rolling around on the mat together so the problem has not been solved. He can be rough towards her on the mat when but sometimes they just practise positions and stuff so he can't always do that. All martial arts involve close contact. That is the whole point of it. Like I said, why don't you pay for your boyfriend to take jujitsu somewhere else? It can't be the only place in a 30 mile radius. If it is, then ask your boyfriend to give it up for you. Other than those two moves, you can't dictate to his instructor who he practices with.
IronZ Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 All martial arts involve close contact. That is the whole point of it. Like I said, why don't you pay for your boyfriend to take jujitsu somewhere else? It can't be the only place in a 30 mile radius. If it is, then ask your boyfriend to give it up for you. Other than those two moves, you can't dictate to his instructor who he practices with. Sorry but if a girl told me to give up something I do as a hobby for her, I'm gonna show her out the door. That's not a good move to ask him to give it up. There should be trust here. If she trusts him not to do anything sexual with her or even flirt then it should be fine. But so far I haven't seen a single reason given as to why she shouldn't trust him. She seems overly jealous to me for no reason.
MissBee Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Hi all. My boyfriend does ji jitsu and there's a few girls in his class which is fine but my boyfriend told me a couple of months ago about a new girl there who acts a bit inappropriate and how he felt uncomfortable training with her, apparantly she doesn't take the class too seriously and just spends the whole session flirting with all the guys there. Anyway she invited my boyfriend out for drinks after practise along with some other guys from the class and i felt uncomfortable with it so i tagged along and after meeting her i'm suspicious of her. She was friendly towards me and seemed nice enough (after she finally stopped bragging about appearing on a trashy reality tv show 5 years ago) but she was heavily flirting with the other guys and i suspect that she would have been the acting the same way towards my boyfriend if i wasn't there. I now feel really uncomfortable with my boyfriend staying in contact with her but he has to see her every week for ji jitsu and i know that sometimes he will have to roll around with her and it makes me feel sick considering how even my boyfriend admitted that she acts inappropriately. Am i supposed to just get over this because obviously i would never try telling my boyfriend to stop taking the class. I don't know what to do. If your boyfriend doesn't like her, what does it matter? I don't mean to seem flippant, I'm just saying, you cannot control if other people like you or flirt with you, so the most important aspect is how YOU conduct yourself. If he doesn't like this woman, then he can be polite and do his class and move on. No need for drinks, no need to stop taking the class and certainly it's a waste of time for you to tag along to stuff to police this girl. Your bf is a big boy, he can handle himself. It is up to HIM to set the tone of proper interactions with this girl and if he can't, that's a problem. Otherwise, for me, I've had bfs who other girls flirted with, it didn't bother me since they didn't like the girls back and THEY made sure to set the boundary. I didn't need to do anything.
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