Should I end this to protect myself from more damage

[lacrosse11]

Hi all, first time poster here, looking for advice.

 

Situation:

I (male) have been in a relationship with this girl for ~3 years now. Everything was always great, no big issuess, we both knew what we wanted and what to expect from each other. I guess this is how all these stories start, but things were looking great.

 

And then she went abroad for a semester, which changed the situation a lot, unfortunately. We had faced times apart before, but this was different. Yet, I have always supported her in wanting to go abroad, and had full confidence that our relationship would withstand this.

 

Well then, off she went. She had the best time of her life, which is great ofcourse. She met a lot of new people, did great things. Good!

 

But in the meantime, she really lost focus of our relationship. The things we used to do for each other (even when I went abroad several times) were completely gone. Communication was very messy. I tried discussing this, but her 'advice' to me was always to just deal with it, this is about me having fun, and I am not feeling the need to keep contact up that much. I could write a book about it, but this is what it comes down to.

 

This made it very difficult for me. It was hard to keep faith in her & our relationship. I always tried to play the cool and supporting guy, but basically, I felt like **** during the entire period. (but that's another book..) I don't want to go into to much detail here, if not necessary.

 

It was especially difficult when she told me she was doubting our relationship at all. Whether or not it was worth it and if it would not be better to just end it. This was a particulary hard period for me. In the end, she said, okay let's keep going.

 

But basically, the entire period I have felt like ****, because she was not thinking about me. She was partying, hanging out with guys, acting crazy, all while our personal issues were never properly discussed, and I was left feeling just completely frustrated.

 

In the end, I asked her: If I would have acted like you are doing now, would you have waited for me when I was abroad? (I have been abroad as well) And her honest answer was 'probably not'. Which is shocking to me, to be honest.

 

But I still waited. And now she's back. And honestly, it has been dissapointing. And that brings me to today..

 

She has plans to keep travelling. She doesn't want to stay in this country. She says it's not because of me, but she just wants to travel. Which I completely understand. I really understand why you want to see the world. But that is her priority for now.. And we talked about it. Basically, traveling the world is #1 on her list now, and I'm #2. And again, I completely understand this, we are both young, and life is too short anyway.

 

But that makes me wonder. Wouldn't it be for the best (for me) to just end this and be done with it? I have felt like **** for the past period. I have, on some occasions during the last period, already assumed that the relationship would be over, but I never 'pulled the trigger'. I always waited for her to be back. But now she is back, and things are still quite weird, and I am just wondering if it would save me a lot of pain and struggle if I'd just end it now.

 

In the meantime, we talked about things, and how we see our plans, and I have said all the above things to her as well. She says, let's just see what happens, we can't predict the future. But you know... My worst fear is getting re-invested in this relationship, fully commiting again, only to have it crushed again. And I'm therefore wondering it it would not be better if I'd just end it now.

 

If anything is vague or unclear, feel free to ask. My English might be bad, as I'm non native. Thank you..

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, I think she's on her way out of the relationship. You've been together a while and I am guessing she's still quite young.

 

If she's already expressed doubts and has future plans that don't really include you (ie. travelling, etc) then I think it's safe to say it probably won't last a lot longer. You're already seeing that the situation between you two hasn't improved upon her return. That says a lot.

 

Sorry OP, but I do think it's probably better to let her go now.

[DarkHorizon]

I agree with the post above. It all indicates you are the one investing in the relationship, and now you are no longer the priority. Relationships can't work like that, and you already had the taste of it, and didn't like it. I would say set her free and you both will be happier. From my recent breakup experience, it seems like she is just waiting for you to make the move... but if you take too long, she will be the one breaking up anyway.

[testmeasure]

A key thing you need to realize is some women will never pull the trigger.

 

In my case I had a 5 year relationship with a girl who was scared of big decisions.

 

Just deciding to start the relationship took her a year. I was patient because our religious and political views matched and that was important to me at the time.

 

During that first year and at a few other points where she became indecisive about the relationship, it was excruciatingly painful. I believe you are right that the indecisiveness can be damaging to the sincere person.

 

About half way through this relationship, there was a dispute that caused us to realize that we probably wouldn't end up together in the end. We were both busy, and enjoyed the relationship, so we agreed to continue it anyway. Under those lower pressure terms it actually probably worked better.

 

Then, the reverse of your situation, I ended up moving across country for work. It started out not being a permanent relocation, so we decided to continue the relationship long distance.

 

Two things developed. On my side it started to become clear that my thing would be longer than I had first thought, although it was still not clear if it would be permanent. On her side, she started to hatch plans to pool money with a guy friend who was openly interested in her and buy a house together.

 

The thing is, you have to understand this girl. The thought of breaking up with me would be too painful for her to even consider, because it's a "big decision". Also the thought of cheating with this other guy would be too painful to consider because it's a "big decision". Left to her own, this girl would have moved in with the guy, not broken up with me and remained faithful for years possibly.

 

But having lived through this kind of thing at the beginning and various points along the way, I suspected what you are suspecting that, if I was serious and sincere about the relationship, her living with another guy who was openly interested in her would be excruciatingly painful and possibly damaging.

 

Finally one day on the phone, I said: "Gee, you know you're going in on this house together with this other guy out where you live, meanwhile my work situation here is becoming a more established. It just seems like were moving in the opposite direction."

 

I handed her the decision giftwrapped. The next phone call, "she" broke up with "me" in what was probably one of the easiest events of our 5 year relationship.

 

I guess I was training. 19 years later after spending 1 year in an entirely different kind of emotionally damaging environment with my wife, she was talking separation. The day before she met with her lawyer, I handed her the giftwrapped answer as to why it had to be a divorce. That ended up being the day before she filed for divorce.

 

I think the normal advice would probably just be, end it and find someone else who's "all in". But, I think in my case, helping the first girl make the decision she should have been making provided more satisfying closure, probably to both of us. In the divorce, it was tactically critical. If I had made a first move on anything at any point, I'd have been paid back 10 fold. Yet the last thing I wanted in an emotionally hostile and damaging environment was an extended period of trying to work things out while her perception of me and the whole situation deteriorated further.

 

Anyway, arming them with the reasons for doing what they should have been doing all along and then watching how quickly they use them is very telling. It makes it all the more real to you how right you were about the situation.

Edited January 29, 2016 by testmeasure

[Been]

Why are you waiting for her to leave? She already has. Your just holding on hoping things will change.

You tell her I can't do this anymore and then you walk away.

If you continue she is basically going to ignore you until you stop calling or she's just going to flat out tell you your done. Trust me on this.

[lacrosse11]

Thanks for the replies, guys.

 

It just feels messed up, this situation. I am constantly thinking in scenarios now. What if...

 

She tells me that we can really have a shot at it, and that she might change her mind in the meantime. I wish it were easy, you know. To have this decision made for me, in a way. Not that I want her to break up with me. It would just be easy if I were in a situation where there is no chance that I will ever regret a decision. That the facts are right in front of me.

 

I'm really thinking about the scenario that I decide to end it, and what might happen next. How long will it keep following me? Do I end all contact? What about mutual friends? How will it effect me?

 

It's not easy.

[testmeasure]

"I'm just not sure if this is healthy or can work with me as sincere and serious as I am and you where you are with your current needs and preferences in [name of country where she is]. What do you think?"

 

Hand her the reason to fix it the way she should have all along and see just how quick she does it.

 

It'll prove how right you are.

 

(I cooked that giftwrapped answer based on half-baked internet understanding. If you can take it just as an example and hand her the closest to home real reason why she ought to leave you, and then see how fast she runs with it, that's the real test.)

 

If she finally leaves you for the reason she should have left you long ago, you're going to be just fine. You didn't fail this relationship. She did. Hand her the reason for owning her own failure. When she runs with it, just shake your head. Face palm if it helps.

[Methodical]

The markers are there.

 

1. She doesn't know whether or not the relationship is worth hanging onto.

2. In your shoes, she'd have checked out of the relationship.

3. Communication is messy and her response is "deal with it."

4. Exploring the world is her priority.

5. You have expressed your concern and her response is "we can't predict the future, let's just see what happens.

 

She has already checked out of the relationship and is hanging onto a casual friendship. Sorry.

[losangelena]

I'm really thinking about the scenario that I decide to end it, and what might happen next. How long will it keep following me? Do I end all contact? What about mutual friends? How will it effect me?

 

It's not easy.

 

No, it's not easy, but how much longer do you want to wait around for her and feel like a bag of dog crap? She's already pretty much declared that you're not her top priority. When someone tells you that, as easier as it would be if they just pulled the trigger, the thing to do is to gather yourself and gracefully leave the situation. Continuing to stay signals that you're content to be someone's #2.

 

What might happen next? Well, you'll probably be sad for a while, but then I think you'll feel a tremendous weight lifted off your shoulders as you realize you're free to look for a relationship that's mutually satisfying, one that won't make you feel so bad.

 

As far as all the "what ifs," I would try not to worry about them right now. Don't let questions over what you should do about mutual friends keep you in a relationship with someone who's already checked out. Soon you won't care all that much about your mutual friends.

[Been]

When you have to start always thinking about the what ifs in a relationship it really is time to move on.

It's almost if your trying to delay the relationship from ending.