losangelena Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Yes. And when you're 20 years post-bullying, you'd hope that you'd be able to have a conversation with your SO about bullying that doesn't require him to even fill that role, not one that requires him to be so empathetic. Sounds like she's still very much wrapped up in it? Ehn, I dunno. I agree that an SO shouldn't have to fill a therapist roll (that's what therapy is for), but I think empathy is always appreciated, even if it's a simple, "sorry that happened to you," or something along those lines. I don't think that judging someone's reaction to that story is a good relationship litmus test, though. 2
DrReplyInRhymes Posted January 29, 2016 Posted January 29, 2016 Men are logical, women are emotional, it's no secret, we all know, This incident relates to this thinking, I feel it's a prime example to show, His response, although crass, was a solution to the problem at hand, And the example of his Casper nickname was to relate and somewhat understand. You're primary focus is how bullying made you feel, and further, you are worried about how you felt in regards to his spiel, If you feel that you should have been comforted more, then tell him that, Then see if he takes it into account next time you share a story with that kind of impact.
dobielover Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Ehn, I dunno. I agree that an SO shouldn't have to fill a therapist roll (that's what therapy is for), but I think empathy is always appreciated, even if it's a simple, "sorry that happened to you," or something along those lines. I don't think that judging someone's reaction to that story is a good relationship litmus test, though. Well what I mean is, she seems to have expected him to almost hug her and be all soothing and caring, as though she was still hurting. I'm wondering why she was even still bringing up the subject and going into such detail about it.
katiegrl Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 I'm wondering why she was even still bringing up the subject and going into such detail about it. I tend to agree with dobielover about that. This early on... I wouldn't be laying all that on a new guy I'm dating. If the conversation warranted it (like if we were watching a documentary on bullying or something) I might casually mention I was bullied when I was younger, but I would not become emotional about it with a new guy, nor would I expect him to comfort me. Too much information and expectation too soon. However, if the experience had a profound impact on me and how I conduct and live my life TODAY....later on, when the RL is more established, we are committed and in love.... and I fully trusted him.... I might share more about the experience and how it affected me. But not this early on. That said, I do think his response was rather insensitive though. Dismissive, reprimanding and laughing? Come on, that's just rude.
xxoo Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 He didn't say, "that's terrible" or anything sympathetic. His only comment was, "why would you stay friends with them for that long. Even at that age I would have just punched them in the face or told them off." . It's never too late to take his advice. Practice on him (don't punch him, but telling him off sounds great!) I don't think you necessarily need to break up over it, but it's healthy to assert boundaries in the moment. It's how we teach people what we'll tolerate. 2
Leigh 87 Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 I was bullied growing up. But who isn't? I would have been happy with a sympathetic "that's awful darling" My friend was a total stunner..... she literally looked like a supermodel and got scouted twice. Yet she was badly bullied for being 6 foot tall. So even beautiful people are bullied growing up and we can't all get coddled and babied. It is concerning that he seemed totally unsympathetic and even angry in his tone. It sounds like he thinks you could be a bit of a pushover. That could make you appear weak or lacking self worth. 1
mightycpa Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 This sounds like a classic example of something very specific. I remember the first place I heard this described was in my mid 20s in a workplace training video describing the differences between men and women as co-workers. When a man hears a problem, he tries to solve it. When a woman hears a problem, she tries to provide sympathy. When a man tells a woman about a problem, he is looking for help solving it and instead gets all of this "feeling" stuff. When a woman tells a man about a problem, she wants sympathy and instead he coldly tells her how to fix it. (Which may actually be the last thing she wants to think about.) This is a very well known phenomena. I believe the solution presented was to educate both sides so both sides could be aware of how the other side was thinking and feeling. I'm not saying this guy is right or you have to accept how he treated you. What I'm saying is this is common. You can either work with guys to over come this together, or expect them to figure it all out and do all the work. That's up to you. If you otherwise like the guy, try looking up some you tube videos about this. Watch them and find a good one. Show it to him and see his reaction. It may not be at all what you expect. Your own reaction may change some if you come to see that you are 1/2 of this mismatch in reaction to hearing a problem. There are some pretty funny ones. I know I've seen one where the lady presenting it talks about it as the guy is thinking like a hunter and the problem is his prey and he feels he has to go out and "kill" the problem and hand the hunting trophy (the solution) to the girl. Meanwhile the girl feels she handed over this emotion filled thing and his reaction is to kill it as fast as he can. Edit: Sorry, re-reading that, I realized that I immediately went to trying to solve the problem. I should have started by saying something sympathetic. I'm sorry. I just fell right into doing the very thing I was describing.That's exactly what I was going to say to solve your problem! I'm going to mention one other thing about this too, which may have frustrated him somewhat, and put him in the frame of mind to show you how it's done. He revealed some personal struggles he had at this job and said at the end "I feel very vulnerable now." I hugged him and told him I loved him and was supportive no matter what.He may have very well been looking for some advice about what to do... in other words, a solution. Instead, you gave him sympathy, which might have felt right to you but was of little practical assistance to him. Think about it. 2
Author tuxedo cat Posted January 30, 2016 Author Posted January 30, 2016 I think I was overreacting. 1
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 I think I was overreacting. I think you were not and we're not done hearing about him.
xxoo Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 I think I was overreacting. Try asserting yourself in the moment. "Hey, I'm talking about my pain and you're being an insensitive buttmunch. I'm not going to want to tell you stuff if you are a buttmunch about it. So what do you choose? Me or buttmunch?" Just call him out. 7
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Try asserting yourself in the moment. "Hey, I'm talking about my pain and you're being an insensitive buttmunch. I'm not going to want to tell you stuff if you are a buttmunch about it. So what do you choose? Me or buttmunch?" Just call him out. I would do that with a relationship past the honeymoon phase like 9 months + in. At 6 weeks he is suppose to be on his best behavior. At 6 weeks we are usually careful because we don't want to hurt someone's feelings when the relationship can abort any moment it's so young. This is him on his best behavior. Imagine what he will allow himself in 6 months. 1
xxoo Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 I would do that with a relationship past the honeymoon phase like 9 months + in. At 6 weeks he is suppose to be on his best behavior. At 6 weeks we are usually careful because we don't want to hurt someone's feelings when the relationship can abort any moment it's so young. This is him on his best behavior. Imagine what he will allow himself in 6 months. Better to find out how he responds at 6 wks than at 9 months. There's nothing wrong with a good disagreement to find out how people handle conflict. Do not avoid conflict for fear of the relationship aborting. That's a backward plan. 5
losangelena Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Better to find out how he responds at 6 wks than at 9 months. There's nothing wrong with a good disagreement to find out how people handle conflict. Do not avoid conflict for fear of the relationship aborting. That's a backward plan. I agree! My ex was perennially late for everything at the beginning, and I could not tolerate it. No way was I gonna wait til 9 months to be like, "honey, can you please be on time?" No, I firmly (but nicely) told him to not do it anymore. He was always on time after that. In OP's case, it just sounds like an unmet expectation. She thought things would go a certain way when she opened up to him (especially after how she has diligently spent the last 6 weeks listening to him), and he didn't react the way she thought he would or wanted him to. In what relationship has this not happened? This is NORMAL. And part of what 2 people have to navigate in order to learn how to communicate with one another and to not let resentment grow. Whether she wants to start doing it now or not, it sounds like OP could stand to be a bit more assertive in this relationship in general. It can't hurt her. Oh, points for the term "buttmunch," lol. 4
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 I don't view this as a disagreement. I see this as a character flaw she has just discovered. It's a big character flaw. It's not only about him not being able to offer comfort but it's also about him 'laughing at her' in a moment of vulnerability. It's also about him not being receptive when she expressed her need for some comfort because SHE DID tell him what she expected and he ignored it.
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 But he's 34 not 24. I even tried to gently point out what I needed from him to feel supported and he totally didn't get it. There you go. She did try to talk it out and tell him what she needs from him and he didn't get it. Why would he get it if she repeats herself 2-3 times.
xxoo Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 I don't view this as a disagreement. I see this as a character flaw she has just discovered. It's a big character flaw. It's not only about him not being able to offer comfort but it's also about him 'laughing at her' in a moment of vulnerability. It's also about him not being receptive when she expressed her need for some comfort because SHE DID tell him what she expected and he ignored it. I understand all of this, but I don't understand why asserting herself would be a bad thing? If nothing else, it's just good practice.
jen1447 Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 She tried to gently get her point across but didn't use the term "buttmunch." That part is crucial. 6
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 I understand all of this, but I don't understand why asserting herself would be a bad thing? If nothing else, it's just good practice. Asserting herself is not a bad thing at all. I just feel she already did and she'll just be repeating herself.
katiegrl Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 I think I was overreacting. TC ...how so? And what changed your mind that you now think you overreacted? Did he apologize? Dump you? What happened?!!
dobielover Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 I was bullied growing up. But who isn't? I would have been happy with a sympathetic "that's awful darling" My friend was a total stunner..... she literally looked like a supermodel and got scouted twice. Yet she was badly bullied for being 6 foot tall. So even beautiful people are bullied growing up and we can't all get coddled and babied. It is concerning that he seemed totally unsympathetic and even angry in his tone. It sounds like he thinks you could be a bit of a pushover. That could make you appear weak or lacking self worth. Not just because of this, but because she's so into him, despite what he's shown her about himself (from other threads), and so quickly... perhaps? It reflects desperation to be in a relationship, any relationship, make a square peg fit in a round hole, force intimacy, instant-depth, instant-relationship. 2
sweet honeydew Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 It's a gender difference and personality difference. You may over react but your feeling is valid. Never let anyone tell you that your feeling is wrong. However, I think you should discuss your feeling with your bf, rather than here. This is an opportunity to learn to communicate your needs to each other. You have to explain to him how you want to be heard, loved, and comforted. Like my mom said, if you want a man to bring you flowers, not only you need to tell him, REPEATEDLY. You also need to tell him what kind of flowers, what colors, how many, where to get it, how much it would be, so he can do it with confidence. And when he brings it, you should be grateful. Ask any married woman about the long journey they walk to train their husband. It is totally normal. Question is, is he worth your efforts. Only you can answer that.
katiegrl Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 (edited) I wouldn't want my boyfriend/husband buying me flowers cause I asked him to.... I wouldn't want my boyfriend/husband calling more/texting more or spending more time with me cause I asked him to. I want him to do those things because HE *wants* to.....all on his own, from his heart, without any pushing or prodding from me. I mean if you have to ask...then what's the point? Going through the motions cause I asked? Ugh, how contrived -- no thank you. He is not a pet I need to *train* ....jeez. You either accept and appreciate those things he IS desirous of giving you, all on his own from his heart, including emotional support, or if you can't, you walk away. Works for me .... Edited January 30, 2016 by katiegrl
Author tuxedo cat Posted January 30, 2016 Author Posted January 30, 2016 Not just because of this, but because she's so into him, despite what he's shown her about himself (from other threads), and so quickly... perhaps? It reflects desperation to be in a relationship, any relationship, make a square peg fit in a round hole, force intimacy, instant-depth, instant-relationship. He's the one who keeps trying to push the relationship forward and making grand declarations. I've been more the voice of reason.
katiegrl Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 He's the one who keeps trying to push the relationship forward and making grand declarations. I've been more the voice of reason. tc can you answer my earlier question? Why do you now think you were overreacting? What happened?
Ruby Slippers Posted January 30, 2016 Posted January 30, 2016 Some men aren't great at delivering messages in a sensitive way. They tend to be problem solvers. I get that it feels critical and uncaring to you, but I get the impression it's his way of trying to help. I relate to your emotional sensitivity. It's hard to be a sensitive soul in what can be a callous world. I've learned not to expect anybody to be able to relate perfectly to the trying and traumatic experiences I've been through in life. I've found that even the most well-intentioned friends and lovers are kind of shooting in the dark to really get it. At the very best, they'll attempt to be a soothing presence, and that's rare and precious. Another thing I've learned is that you have to accept people for the way they are. People can adapt slightly with low to moderate effort, and can even change with a lot of effort and time (years), but generally, we are who we are.
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