this might be it for me

[tuxedo cat]

I can't tell if I'm being overly sensitive but my BF said some things tonight that really turned me off. He revealed some personal struggles he had at this job and said at the end "I feel very vulnerable now." I hugged him and told him I loved him and was supportive no matter what. Then we started discussing this friend I have who I no longer talk to and he asked me the backstory.

 

I decided we've gotten close enough that I could share with him the reason I no longer talk to her - a traumatic bullying experience I had as a kid, where these female "friends" of mine emotionally abused me for 2-3 years when I was 11 to 13, how one teacher even got involved in the bullying and no adults (including my own parents) ever intervened.

 

He didn't say, "that's terrible" or anything sympathetic. His only comment was, "why would you stay friends with them for that long. Even at that age I would have just punched them in the face or told them off." He kept going on about the fact that I let it happen by not stopping them or cutting contact. And he wasn't saying it in a sensitive way...it really felt like he was reprimanding a child. He also added that there's a connection between my passivity to the bullying as a child and the way I stayed with an emotionally abusive ex for a year after the trouble started.

 

He may be right but I still felt his response was oddly callous and uncaring. Throughout this he never kissed me or said he loved me (which he pretty much does constantly at other times). Rather than it being a trust building experience, it made me feel judged by him and uncomfortably vulnerable. I'm kind of glad I brought it up because it showed me a different side of him. What do you think. Am I overreacting? I feel so turned off that I'm considering just ending it on the spot, which I already had reason to do before.

Edited January 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[tuxedo cat]

I think what pissed me off most about it is this was the first time I've really opened myself up to him with anything super vulnerable, while for the last month and a half I've been patiently listening to his rants about work, life and people. I don't mind taking on that role (I've often been told I would have been a good therapist), but I get irate when somebody expects me to take on all the emotional labor of a relationship.

[testmeasure]

This sounds like a classic example of something very specific. I remember the first place I heard this described was in my mid 20s in a workplace training video describing the differences between men and women as co-workers.

 

When a man hears a problem, he tries to solve it.

 

When a woman hears a problem, she tries to provide sympathy.

 

When a man tells a woman about a problem, he is looking for help solving it and instead gets all of this "feeling" stuff.

 

When a woman tells a man about a problem, she wants sympathy and instead he coldly tells her how to fix it. (Which may actually be the last thing she wants to think about.)

 

This is a very well known phenomena. I believe the solution presented was to educate both sides so both sides could be aware of how the other side was thinking and feeling.

 

I'm not saying this guy is right or you have to accept how he treated you.

 

What I'm saying is this is common. You can either work with guys to over come this together, or expect them to figure it all out and do all the work. That's up to you.

 

If you otherwise like the guy, try looking up some you tube videos about this. Watch them and find a good one. Show it to him and see his reaction. It may not be at all what you expect. Your own reaction may change some if you come to see that you are 1/2 of this mismatch in reaction to hearing a problem.

 

There are some pretty funny ones. I know I've seen one where the lady presenting it talks about it as the guy is thinking like a hunter and the problem is his prey and he feels he has to go out and "kill" the problem and hand the hunting trophy (the solution) to the girl. Meanwhile the girl feels she handed over this emotion filled thing and his reaction is to kill it as fast as he can.

 

 

 

Edit: Sorry, re-reading that, I realized that I immediately went to trying to solve the problem. I should have started by saying something sympathetic. I'm sorry. I just fell right into doing the very thing I was describing.

 

 

 

 

.

Edited January 29, 2016 by testmeasure

[Zippy2000]

Your BF reminds me or when I was younger.

 

Over time I learned soft skills and the use of empathy towards other people.

 

It depends how old your BF is and his experience in dealing with emotional support.

 

He`s not a bad man but being a typical "bloke" he probably doesnt know or how to show he cares.

 

I remember I learned how to support others from my manager,. She used to say "We need to develop your soft skills" and trust me. You are right. It works.

[jen1447]

I think you have to allow for ppl to have opinions and personal approaches to things and accept that they're not always gonna fall in w/your sensibilities.

 

It'd be one thing if this guy was abusive or disrespectful but it sounds like he's just voicing an opinion. Everyone's different.

 

If you expect him to tow the line this closely the whole way, this'll be just the beginning in terms of problems going forward.

[Gaeta]

He didn't say, "that's terrible" or anything sympathetic. His only comment was, "why would you stay friends with them for that long. Even at that age I would have just punched them in the face or told them off." He kept going on about the fact that I let it happen by not stopping them or cutting contact. And he wasn't saying it in a sensitive way...it really felt like he was reprimanding a child.

 

I'm sorry you did not find in him the comfort you were looking for but his reaction is not uncommon for men. Men don't comfort each other, if a boy comes to his dad and says his friend hit him, his dad will tell him to go out there and to defend himself! It's a man's role in life to teach his offspring how to defend themselves. It's innate and it's some of that instinct that kicked in when you told your story to him. He reacted that way toward you because he is protective of you and he doesn't want you to let anyone hurt you.

 

It's mostly a woman thing to offer comfort and to say how sorry we feel and to be nurturing. If I tell my female friend of a problem she'll be very supportive, if I tell a male friend my problem he will right away offer me solutions and he'll tell me how to be tougher, wiser and stronger and to not let anyone walk over me.

 

With experience men become more sensitive and later in life they become better at offering comfort. Sometimes we have to teach them. After you've opened up and you feel vulnerable, if you're not getting the comfort you need then just tell your boyfriend 'honey hold me I need your comfort right now'. He'll get it for next time.

[losangelena]

I think what pissed me off most about it is this was the first time I've really opened myself up to him with anything super vulnerable, while for the last month and a half I've been patiently listening to his rants about work, life and people. I don't mind taking on that role (I've often been told I would have been a good therapist), but I get irate when somebody expects me to take on all the emotional labor of a relationship.

 

I agree with the others about your BF's reaction. I have come to not really expect a very sympathetic ear from the men I date. That's what girlfriends are for. That doesn't mean my ex wouldn't give me a reassuring squeeze or kind word, but that's about it.

 

I am more troubled by this follow-up post.

 

If I may—try not to be his therapist, don't take on that "roll." You say you're happy to do it, but by your tone here, it doesn't sound you're all that OK with it.

 

I certainly WOULD NOT patiently listen to all his work rants in the hopes that when you're up to bat, he'll do the same. As you can see, that didn't happen and now you're upset. Setting up an expectation that someone will do for you because you did for them is generally a bad idea that only leads to disappointment and resentment, as it has here.

 

Next time he starts in one of his rants, let him talk for a minute, acknowledge it, then change the subject. You don't want to have to do the heavy emotional lifting in your relationship, so don't. Don't even entertain him when he goes there.

[BlueIris]

A really foul (and unsexy!) dynamic can develop when a man opens up, reveals vulnerabilities, and tells a woman about something emotional and seeks comforting but then is not comforting in return- a mommy/child dynamic. I agree that sometimes men can take a fix-it approach, but this guy didn’t fix it, he dismissed it and reprimanded. It sounds more like he didn’t like having to care in return. I’ve had a few relationships with fix-it guys and while they didn’t comfort me, they did get protective and they definitely took action if possible. In the scenario Tuxedo described, they did get gruff and say, "what as****es!" While not all men who seek comforting are like this, this guy might fall into this category: “Beware of men who cry. It's true that men who cry are sensitive to and in touch with feelings, but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with are their own- Nora Ephron.” That's different from a fix-it guy.

Edited January 29, 2016 by BlueIris

[dobielover]

Did you want him to coddle you?

[tuxedo cat]

I get what everyone is saying but I feel like this situation might be a little different because I was describing a traumatic childhood experience, so there was no utility in his fix it speech. He was also super dismissive, laughing at how these girls were just "fat" (his assumption) and "jealous" so I shouldn't care. I explained to him that the experience traumatized me for years, mostly because the adults around me either enabled the bullying or didn't do anything, but I felt like he didn't get it. It really felt as bad as if I was revealing that I was molested as a child (the experience scarred me that much and I still have nightmares about it to this day) and he gave me a lecture on how I shouldn't have let the adult do that to me. When I tried to explain that I was just a kid and had no cues from adults about how to break free, he said "still, I would have dropped them" and he went on to describe himself as a "smart kid." He then tells me how when he was on the football team in high school his nickname was "Casper" as the only white kid and how that hurt him a little. Wtf? Like that's any comparison to what I went through?

 

I've told this story to a few guys I was serious about, because it was a crucial formative experience for me that has influenced some of the issues I have with trust today, and he was the only one unable to muster even a shred of empathy.

 

And as I wrote above I'm constantly being his listening ear and nurturing him. Ive never put any demands on him. And I was actually ok with that role because I figured he'd be supportive too if I ever needed it.

Edited January 29, 2016 by tuxedo cat

[tuxedo cat]

Did you want him to coddle you?

 

What a weird comment.

[jen1447]

Calling the bully girls fat and jealous sounds like he was trying to soothe you in a way.

 

Not trying to give you the third degree here but I do think you're a bit off w/the expectations. Then again that's for you to decide based on your personal standards, not me.

[tuxedo cat]

Maybe I should try to accept this and it's simply a matter of him being more stereotypically masculine than most of the guys I've dated? I just feel resentful that I've fallen until the role of "giver" and he was so dismissive the one time I came to him for support.

[losangelena]

I've told this story to a few guys I was serious about, because it was a crucial formative experience for me that has influenced some of the issues I have with trust today, and he was the only one unable to muster even a shred of empathy.

 

OK, I know a bit about how you feel. I was teased mercilessly in school, being the fat girl (weighed 180 lb in 3rd grade; more than I weigh now as an adult), and that has directly affected many of my adult relationships, especially with men.

 

I'm sure I would have probably reacted to your BF's reaction the same way you did. It's hurtful when someone you love doesn't seem to understand the importance of what you're saying. To be frank, he doesn't sound a bit a$$y. However, in my own experience, I find that most people, well-intentioned or not, do not understand it when I tell them how grave my childhood situation was; I'm not sure it's a great litmus test of relationship quality.

 

However, it's up to you to decide how safe and understood you need to feel in your relationship, and if this guy isn't doing a good job of that, then yes you have a choice to make. Based on this thread and others you posted about him, having that icky, unsupportive, together-but-alone feeling will be de rigueur for you if you choose to stay with him.

[losangelena]

Maybe I should try to accept this and it's simply a matter of him being more stereotypically masculine than most of the guys I've dated? I just feel resentful that I've fallen until the role of "giver" and he was so dismissive the one time I came to him for support.

 

This resentment will kill your relationship faster than any ham-fisted attempt to sympathize on his part.

 

Stop giving so much! Claw your way out of the giver roll, and only give back what he's able to give to you.

[tuxedo cat]

Calling the bully girls fat and jealous sounds like he was trying to soothe you in a way.

 

Not trying to give you the third degree here but I do think you're a bit off w/the expectations. Then again that's for you to decide based on your personal standards, not me.

 

Trust me, he was reprimanding me the whole time and actually sounded angry at me for what happened. A lot of it had to do with his tone. There was nothing protective in his response either. It was a complete contrast to how other guys have responded when I told them.

[tuxedo cat]

Your BF reminds me or when I was younger.

 

Over time I learned soft skills and the use of empathy towards other people.

 

It depends how old your BF is and his experience in dealing with emotional support.

 

He`s not a bad man but being a typical "bloke" he probably doesnt know or how to show he cares.

 

I remember I learned how to support others from my manager,. She used to say "We need to develop your soft skills" and trust me. You are right. It works.

 

But he's 34 not 24. I even tried to gently point out what I needed from him to feel supported and he totally didn't get it.

[Gaeta]

I'm sorry I went to your last thread and found out you've been dating for 1,5 month !!! I thought it was 1,5 year !!!

 

I understand this + the situation of your last thread has just killed it for you.

 

The beginning of a relationship is very fragile. I don't think you can work through this and ending it is probably the right thing to do.

Edited January 29, 2016 by Gaeta

[katiegrl]

TC, first off I am very sorry you were bullied ...((hugs)).

 

Second, regardless of whether or not his response was a typical male response, obviously you were hurt by it, got a bad vibe ...it set off some alarm bells, your gut is screaming something is OFF, and I for one think you *should* be paying attention to these negative feelings, and respond accordingly.

 

You were there, we weren't. You were the one listening to his, what sounds like, dismissive tone, his harsh words, his laughing ... his *reprimands* ....we weren't.

 

Follow your gut on this TC. If you think he's worth it, talk to him about his reaction and how it made you feel.

 

On the other hand, if you feel his response was so bad, that it's a dealbreaker, then walk away.

 

Again, I am sorry you went through what you did.....bullying sucks, and sadly it happens way more than it should ....even on anonymous message boards.

[Redhead14]

TC, first off I am very sorry you were bullied ...((hugs)).

 

Second, regardless of whether or not his response was a typical male response, obviously you were hurt by it, got a bad vibe ...it set off some alarm bells, your gut is screaming something is OFF, and I for one think you *should* be paying attention to these negative feelings, and respond accordingly.

 

You were there, we weren't. You were the one listening to his, what sounds like, dismissive tone, his harsh words, his laughing ... his *reprimands* ....we weren't.

 

Follow your gut on this TC. If you think he's worth it, talk to him about his reaction and how it made you feel.

 

On the other hand, if you feel his response was so bad, that it's a dealbreaker, then walk away.

 

Again, I am sorry you went through what you did.....bullying sucks, and sadly it happens way more than it should ....even on anonymous message boards.

 

She needs to let him know how his response made her feel. And, that his attitude and demeanor about it came across as a little "bullyish" too. I'd say that's the reason her "alarm bell" went off.

 

If she talks to him and let's him know how it made her feel and he isn't sympathetic to that, then she's done all she can do. She can tell him she's moving on because she shared a deep issue for her and needed him to be supportive, not critical.

[katiegrl]

She need to let him know how his response made her feel. And, that his attitude and demeanor about it came across as a little "bullyish" too. I'd say that's the reason her "alarm bell" went off.

 

If she talks to him and let's him know how it made her feel and he isn't sympathetic to that, then she's done all she can do. She can tell him she's moving on because she shared a deep issue for her and needed him to be supportive, not critical.

 

I believe I did offer that as one of her options RH....third paragraph from the bottom.

[kodakgirl]

I think what it comes down to is what kind of emotional support you need in a relationship. Unlike Gaeta, I do need to be able to confide in my partner and know my emotions are received with compassion and not judgement. That doesn't mean using him as a therapist, nor expecting the kind of sympathy I would from a close female friend; it means he listens, understands when I'm sharing something emotional, and values that I trust him enough to share it with him. I need to know I can trust him emotionally before I can share and develop my emotions for him. In your place, I would not be able to continue things with the bf. Not because he didn't offer a feminine, sympathetic response (I actually hate sympathy), but because he offered judgement. If a man were judgmental about my very personal feelings and actions from long ago, I simply would not be able to trust him with my personal emotional world now. Judgement is a huge deal for me.

 

By referring to what I would do in a similar situation, I by no means want to insinuate it's the right reaction, nor what you should do. I just want to demonstrate how individual views towards emotional support and judgement can make all the difference. How much do these things matter to you? What does emotional support mean to you? How does his reaction here affect your own feelings towards sharing in the future? It doesn't matter what he's thinking, if he does feel care or callousness; what you have to go by are his actions. Are these actions a big deal to you?

[Redhead14]

I believe I did offer that as one of her options RH.

 

 

Mea culpa, perhaps I was still writing when your post came in. I was interrupted while writing.

[losangelena]

I'm sorry I went to your last thread and found out you've been dating for 1,5 month !!! I thought it was 1,5 year !!!

 

I understand this + the situation of your last thread has just killed it for you.

 

The beginning of a relationship is very fragile. I don't think you can work through this and ending it is probably the right thing to do.

 

I honestly think a month-and-a-half in is too soon for anyone to be taking on a counselor/listener roll, or to expect the other person to do the same.

[dobielover]

I honestly think a month-and-a-half in is too soon for anyone to be taking on a counselor/listener roll, or to expect the other person to do the same.

 

Yes.

 

And when you're 20 years post-bullying, you'd hope that you'd be able to have a conversation with your SO about bullying that doesn't require him to even fill that role, not one that requires him to be so empathetic. Sounds like she's still very much wrapped up in it?