2 Year Relationship breakup for 3 years, Got Back together (feels on the outs)

[AnotherOnegone]

Hey All,

 

3 year relationship --> Breakup 3 years --> Get back together for another year.

 

I have been here before 3 years ago. My current girlfriend and I split because of multiple issues pertaining to our relationship. The major ones related to some issue regarding marriage, kids and next steps. Others included some communication issues, job taking precedence over the relationship, and a lot of fear.

 

3 years away was good for both of us, we conquered some of our issues above, but unfortunately some remain (specifically communication of issues). We just communicate differently, and it is hard to decipher what is serious issue that needs my attention or what isn't. There is always something wrong (either her job, her parents, her not having friends, and me).

 

So it all started 3 months ago when she got a new job. This job caused a lot of stress that resulted in the majority of the time, her crying and wanting to quit and coping with the issues. Our relationship took a backburner to these needs (this happen in a relationship previously). The energy to talk about issues was not there for her because of the stress and if she did talk about her needs, I either was so bombarded with her other needs, I may of not heard exactly what her needs were. I at the same time, was also going through some job related trauma as well.

 

So fast forward to yesterday, I had been getting the feeling she was unhappy for a month, and she said briefly she was unhappy. She was too tired to go into deep (I have a feeling I know most of them). The problem is these issues are WE issues and not me issues. We need to work together to get through them, but doesn't have the capacity because of the job. She spewed out some major things that is making her unhappy, and I believe she is questioning are next steps that she may not want to take. Anyway, I mention we should talk to someone which she said may be good and she loosely said that this is tough.

 

SO we arent broken up, but my fears are coming full force as much of what happened last time is happening again. **** got tough, she ran away from the problems, and we broke up. We talked about this before we got together again, and I told her that was a major fear of mine.

 

I have a lot of fear, that I can not deal with now, and I do not know what to do. I am scared, and not trying to show it. I am in my own prison that the axe is coming no matter what we/I do.

 

Sidenote engagement/marriage has been talked about frequently before the last couple of weeks. She encouraged the conversations.

 

 

I am not a kid I am 31. shes older.

 

 

This is all over the place I know, It makes me feel good to do this.

[louxor]

Hey All,

 

3 year relationship --> Breakup 3 years --> Get back together for another year.

 

I have been here before 3 years ago. My current girlfriend and I split because of multiple issues pertaining to our relationship. The major ones related to some issue regarding marriage, kids and next steps. Others included some communication issues, job taking precedence over the relationship, and a lot of fear.

 

3 years away was good for both of us, we conquered some of our issues above, but unfortunately some remain (specifically communication of issues). We just communicate differently, and it is hard to decipher what is serious issue that needs my attention or what isn't. There is always something wrong (either her job, her parents, her not having friends, and me).

 

So it all started 3 months ago when she got a new job. This job caused a lot of stress that resulted in the majority of the time, her crying and wanting to quit and coping with the issues. Our relationship took a backburner to these needs (this happen in a relationship previously). The energy to talk about issues was not there for her because of the stress and if she did talk about her needs, I either was so bombarded with her other needs, I may of not heard exactly what her needs were. I at the same time, was also going through some job related trauma as well.

 

So fast forward to yesterday, I had been getting the feeling she was unhappy for a month, and she said briefly she was unhappy. She was too tired to go into deep (I have a feeling I know most of them). The problem is these issues are WE issues and not me issues. We need to work together to get through them, but doesn't have the capacity because of the job. She spewed out some major things that is making her unhappy, and I believe she is questioning are next steps that she may not want to take. Anyway, I mention we should talk to someone which she said may be good and she loosely said that this is tough.

 

SO we arent broken up, but my fears are coming full force as much of what happened last time is happening again. **** got tough, she ran away from the problems, and we broke up. We talked about this before we got together again, and I told her that was a major fear of mine.

 

I have a lot of fear, that I can not deal with now, and I do not know what to do. I am scared, and not trying to show it. I am in my own prison that the axe is coming no matter what we/I do.

 

Sidenote engagement/marriage has been talked about frequently before the last couple of weeks. She encouraged the conversations.

 

 

I am not a kid I am 31. shes older.

 

 

This is all over the place I know, It makes me feel good to do this.

 

To me this seems like a significant amount of the bumpyness is being caused by external factors, rather than problems between you two directly. If she is unhappy within her career, that is her problem to deal with, not yours. Sure you can be there to support her and listen to her, but at the end of the day, if she is lettings these problems with work impact your relationship then that is her problem alone and she needs to sort that sh*t out.

 

Maybe she could use a bit of tough loving. Let her know that as much as you love her and care about her and want to make things work, you cannot do that while work problems are causing her to be unable to address other issues because she's "too tired" to talk about it, or whatever other bs excuse she may come up with. Let her know that if she doesn't make any conscious effort to change this, that you are not willing to hang around.

 

This does two things: It lets her know that you do love and care for her, but it also shows her that you respect yourself enough that you are willing to walk away if she doesn't get herself together and put in her half towards the relationship. It's after a conversation like this that you'll be able to see where she truly stands in the relationship. If she cares, she'll listen and change her ways, if not, she'll do what she did before and she'll run away instead of working to overcome it.

 

Either way, you come out on top. If she listens and stays to push through it, you know she is still properly invested in the relationship and really wants it to work. If she bails like before, then you have just avoided the inevitable anyway.

[mightycpa]

Drama girls never change. They always have some **** going on, whether it is problems with friends, or boyfriends, or family or work, or some other bull****. It's always something, and it never ends.

 

My first five girlfriends all had some kind of problems to cope with, it was not exactly constant, but it wasn't rare either. I finally had enough and started getting choosy. First sign of that kind of ****, and they were immediately disqualified. All I can tell you was life got a lot better with women who had their **** together, and they were in their 20's.

 

If I were a doctor, that's what I'd prescribe for you; some time with women who don't suffer because of life's twists. You're in your thirties and surely you're beginning to clue in that you have to look at your life over the long haul, not just the right now, and that there's no long-term imperative or reward to latch onto problematic people. Do you really want to marry the person you described? Forever is a damn long time, remember that.

 

Does that sound harsh? Wait until your life is a constant barrage of what you're describing. Get out voluntarily before you're forced out. Don't be afraid of it ending. Be afraid it will never end.

[lexylove]

two words: TOUGH LOVE. She doesn't sound like a happy person in general, so any job or relationship is going to suffer the consequences with this girl. Don't be passive or a push-over. Tell her she needs to get her **** together and to call u when she does, but u can't promise you'll be around.

[Been]

I second that-drama girl.

I dated someone like that. HER problems always took center stage in the relationship. I was always having to "run" to fix her problems.

Your girl doesn't have it together and she gets off on it.

Also women like that tend to lean toward other men in her time of "need" because they "understand"-so keep that in mind.

[AnotherOnegone]

Thanks for the advice. It all makes sense. We are suppose to go out on date to the movies tonight, not sure if I should not go and start the conversation. Advice? Would I be prolonging just another night of mental torment.

[Been]

If you go to the movies don't ambush her with all the sudden wanting to talk.

Once the movie is over you can bring up the fact that you need to talk with her about "us". If she wants to have the talk that night that's on her. But give her an option.

[Orion39]

You seem to have a clear idea of where you want to go with this, keep it up. By this point in life you know that life will not always be lollipops and gumdrops and relationships complicate life and adding marriage into that equation will only add to the complexity.

 

If you are both headed in that direction I say continue at it, though it does sound like you both need to sit down and talk about a handful of things. After which as the relationship continues you may want to consider pre-marital counseling when the time comes.

 

Overall it sounds like you know what you want and where you want to end up, keep at it; it won't always be easy, but in the end that is what makes it real.